Tuesday, December 28th

Dear Journal,

Is that the proper way to start this? Dear Journal? I feel like a 12 yr old girl telling all her secrets to her most precious diary. ‘Today in class, Jimmy Doolan totally made eye contact with me; I hope he asks me to the dance’. Yeah, I wish life was that easy. But I’m not 12, I’m not a girl and this is most certainly not a diary. This is a journal. A notebook of some sorts that I am attempting at jotting my feelings and thoughts down in.

What is the purpose of this thing really? Am I writing to the journal, telling them about all the shit that’s in my head, or am I just writing to be writing as a way to express myself. Or am I supposed to be writing to get it all out so it’ll stop making me want to drown myself in alcohol and forget everything that’s racing through my brain. Brielle told me to write my future. Forget the past and focus on the future. That’s what I should be doing, but my past is haunting me right now and there’s no forgetting that.

I used to be a fuck up. But then, by some miracle, I got myself straightened out. Wasn’t easy by any means. Probably the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with. Until now. I found out three days ago that my ex-fiancée lost our baby. I hadn’t been too excited about the news of her pregnancy to begin with and now I feel worse than ever. Was it my fault? Was this Karma rearing its ugly head and biting me in the ass for all the horrible shit I’ve done? Maybe if I’d been more excited this wouldn’t have happened. My mom says it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel it is. She was depressed and upset and stressed with the end of our relationship, which was my doing. And she lost the baby because of it. How is that not my fault?

To make matters worse, as if they need to be considering, Brielle is not talking to me. I don’t think she’s said ten words since our last discussion on Sunday. I was trying to apologize but I guess she’s tired of hearing ‘I’m sorry’. Well, what the fuck does she want me to say? That’s what people say when they apologize and try to show that they are sorry. Because I am. It wasn’t like I woke up on Nick’s floor with drool on my chin and said to myself ‘hm, today seems like a good day to ditch Brie and pretend like I didn’t know she was here.’ I’m not a dumbfuck and I wouldn’t ever do that to someone I loved.

Oh, did I mention, I also told her to fuck off. Well ‘fuck you’ if you want the exact terminology. And something I don’t remember saying, but she and my mother heard me. Seems my mom had been outside the door during the tirade. How nice of her to be eavesdropping. But I digress. So that on top of forgetting her at Nick’s, oh yeah, and lying about rehab, has seriously pissed her off and she doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me.

I don’t blame her. I don’t know if I’d want anything to do with me either. That’s one of the reasons I drink; so I can avoid myself as much as possible. My mom says I’m an ugly and mean person when I’m drinking. I think Brie agrees with her. After Sunday, I may even agree with her. But I don’t know if I’m able to step away from the Jack quite yet. It’s like a life preserver to me and if I let go, I might sink down into the depths of hell and drown.

But Brielle might be leaving. My mom said she was talking about it, wanting to get some space and find her own place. That scares me. What if she leaves and never comes back? What if she leaves and meets someone who sweeps her off her feet and they live happily ever after? What if she leaves and all the feelings she’d been developing for me fade? I don’t want to lose her, but I know I can’t hold on too tightly. Especially after my behavior. I did this to myself, I brought it on myself. I should have done better. I should have known better. I’m the one that booted her to the door and now all she has to do is take a step out it.

I think it scares me to death to think she might take off. I know that I haven’t known her for long or that I don’t know everything about her, or her about me, but she’s been the one person out of my entire life that has had the kind of effect on me she has. Just the thought of her and her sky blue eyes and that dimple in her cheek when she smiles makes my heart skip a beat and I feel instantly calm. Despite my racing pulse, when she’s near, her presence relaxes me. I don’t have to worry about her judging me or using me. She doesn’t care who I am or what I can do; she just likes me for me. Plain ol’ run of the mill Alex who can’t control his temper, tongue or alcohol.

And to think, I might have fucked that all up. That thought nearly makes me puke. I don’t want us to turn into two people who share a child and hate to see one another. I don’t want to put a child between us. I’ve been there and it’s not pleasant. Besides, they usually grow up resenting one parent over another and that’s not something I want for Brie or myself. I need to make this right. I need to earn her forgiveness and get her trust back.

I should have told her about rehab. I don’t know what I was thinking not thinking she would find out. I guess I was in that stage where I felt invincible and she hadn’t seemed to mind when I would drink in front of her, so I pretended I had no problem and there had been no rehab and things were just fine. Until Nick opened his fat mouth and spilled the beans. I try to be mad at him, but realize I’m not. The only one I can blame is myself.

That’s one step in the right direction I think; accepting full responsibility. It’s a start; we’ll see how I do with the rest. There’s only one way to go from here, right? Up. I’m at rock bottom already. So, it can only get better. Least that’s what I’m going to try telling myself. Along with chanting my mantra, ‘I don’t need to drink’. We’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck; I’m going to need it.

~*~*~*~*~

“How are you feeling?”

Brielle glanced up from the yogurt she was eating to see Alex in the doorway of the kitchen. She really hadn’t expected him to be up so early on a Tuesday. But he was already showered and dressed and looked like he’d been awake for hours. Maybe he was having trouble sleeping. Good, he deserved that.

“I’m fine,” she finally responded after giving him the once over and sucking the creamy yogurt from the spoon in her hand.

He nodded and sauntered more into the room. “Um, so, I know you start work next week and thought maybe we could go out and get you some work clothes; I know you said you needed some professional things.

“Actually, your mom already took me shopping. I’m all set.”

Ouch. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay, well good.”

“Mmhmm.”

Alex took a breath. “Listen, can we talk?”

Her eyes shifted from her yogurt cup to his face. “I told you already that I don’t have anything to say to you.”

“You won’t even let me explain myself?”

“There’s nothing to explain, Alex. You were drunk, you were wasted, you were trying to forget your problems.” She lowered the cup and her spoon to her side. “You were being a coward is what you were being.”

His eyes narrowed. “I wasn’t being a coward.”

She sighed and looked like this conversation was an annoyance. “Yes, you were. Anyone who tries to forget their life and escape it by drowning in alcohol is a coward.”

“I have a problem. It’s a disease, not cowardice.”

“So now you’re ready to admit you have a problem. Are you also ready to get help?”

He frowned and turned away from her. That had been very sneaky and smart of her.

She pressed her lips together then rose from the counter that was supporting her weight. “Yeah, I thought so. Do me a favor; stop trying to talk me into forgiving you. And stop throwing excuses my way; I may be young, but I’m not naïve and I’m not stupid. You need help.” Then she brushed past him and strode from the room.

He watched her go then turned and smacked his palm onto the countertop. They weren’t excuses; he had been drunk. None of what he did was intentional. How could he make her see that? He had it in his mind to go after her and force her to listen. If he could get it through her thick skull, maybe she might actually come around.

But before he could put his thoughts into action, his phone rang. Extracting it from his back pocket, Alex felt his stomach drop at Renee’s name being on the screen. As if he didn’t already have enough to feel horrible about.

“Hello?” He spoke into the phone after answering the call and lifting it to his ear.

“How come you haven’t called me or come by?” Was her greeting in return.

Alex closed his eyes. He really wasn’t trying to ignore her, but the idea of having to see her made his stomach roll and he couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone. He didn’t want to be reminded over and over about what he’d done to her and the consequences of those actions. “Um, I’ve been busy,” he replied with instead, knowing she’d probably have an aneurysm if he told her the truth.

“So I have to deal with this myself? It’s your fault it happened in the first place.”

“My mom says it’s not.”

“Pfft, what does your mom know? She wasn’t there with me when the doctor told me it was the stress that caused this.”

He wasn’t in the mood for her attitude today. “What do you want, Renee?”

“I want you to come spend some time with me. I’m over here all alone and all I can think about is the baby. I keep having nightmares that it’s happening over and over again,” her voice wavered and he could hear the tears in it.

That’s when the guilt set in. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Have you eaten yet?”

“I’m not hungry.”

His eyes shifted to the phone. “Renee, when was the last time you ate?”

“Sunday, when my mom practically forced it down my throat,” she said in a pout.

“Fine,” he sighed out. “I’ll come over, but I’m bringing breakfast and if you want me to stay, you’ll eat.” Two could play at this game.

“Okay, but no waffles. You know how I hate those.”

“Of course not.” Then he told her he’d see her in a bit and hung up. Good God almighty, today was really trying him already and it wasn’t even nine yet. Just the thought of going to Renee’s was making that familiar feeling set in low in his belly. No, he tried to push it away. He wouldn’t let it control him and he wouldn’t give Brielle the satisfaction of being right. He wasn’t going drink today. He could be strong.

Alex had just gathered his wallet and keys and was tying on his shoes when his cell jingled again. Grabbing it from the coffee table where he’d tossed it down, his brows lifted then he grinned at the name on the screen.

“Hey man, what’s up?” He greeted one of his oldest and dearest friends, Kevin Richardson.

Kevin’s own smile could be heard over the line. “Hey, AJ. Not much, hanging in there, how are you?”

“I’m alright. Can’t complain.” He smoothed his pantlegs over his shoes then rose to his feet. “About to head out. What’re you doing today?”

“Oh, not a whole lot. Kristin’s off on some shoot with a client and I’ve got Mason, so I thought I’d give ya a call. See how you were doing since we last saw you a couple weeks ago.” He had been referring to that crazy night when Renee had tried to pull a quick one over on him, but been very unsuccessful.

“Oh sweet. How are the wife and son doing?”

“The same as always. Though Mason wants to know when you’re going to come visit. He says he hasn’t seen you in for-ev-er.”

The way Kevin pronounced that made him chuckle. “Well, you tell him that his Uncle Alex will try to be over to see him real soon.”

“You better mean that.”

“Hey, I’m a man of my word. I’ll be over there sometime soon to visit. And I’ll bring him a little something.”

“We’re not letting him wear anymore of those temporary tattoos, so you can forget that.”

Alex laughed. Last time he’d visited the Richardson’s he’d given Mason a whole pack of temporary tattoos and the boy had gotten them all over, from his forehead to his neck to his cheek to his stomach all the way to his feet. It hadn’t been too harmless, except he’d pitched a fit when they’d finally started to wear off. Then he kept insisting he wanted ones that would last for-ev-er.

“Okay, no tattoos.”

“And no chocolate. I don’t want him climbing the walls.”

Alex chuckled. “Alright, no tats and no chocolate. I’ll bring him a squirt gun and he can run around shooting his dad in the ass.”

“Hardy har.” Kevin laughed low at that. “I have an idea though. How ‘bout you and Brielle come over for dinner next weekend.”

The younger man paused. “Um, well I’d love to, but Brielle and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms at the moment and I don’t know if she’d go for that.”

“Uh oh, what happened?”

Alex sighed. “It’s a long and complicated story.”

“What’d you do now?”

“Hey, why do you assume that I did something?”

Kevin chuckled. “Who am I talking to again?”

He frowned. “It’s not always my fault, you know.”

“Yeah yeah, so whose was it?”

Alex paused then ran a hand through his hair, giving a low chuckle. “Um, mine.”

“So, I wasn’t far off.”

“Do you want to know what happened or not?”

Kevin chuckled. “Right, sorry. Are you actually gonna tell me?”

“No,” he shook his head, “I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”

“I see.” He paused a moment. “Are you doing something you shouldn’t be doing?”

Alex eyes shifted to the phone. “What makes you ask that?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Aje; Brielle’s mad at you and you won’t tell me what happened. Where do you think my mind’s going?”

He frowned. “We just had a spat, I’m sure we’ll smooth things over. I’ll call and letcha know about next weekend, but I gotta run before Renee has my head.”

“Alright, man, you just take care of yourself.”

“I will, you too, bro.” Then he lowered the phone and severed the call. Well that had been interesting. He half wondered if Kevin had been calling to fish around for information. Maybe he’d heard something or maybe he’d talked to Nick, which Alex really hoped hadn’t happened. But he didn’t have time to mull over Kevin’s real reasons for calling; he had breakfast to pick up and an ex fiancée to attend to. It was enough to make his head hurt and his mouth thirst for a drink. But he could be strong; he had to be if he wanted Brielle to stick around.

~*~*~*~*~

“How are you feeling, honey?”

Brielle glanced over from the peanut butter and jelly sandwich she was making to see Denise entering the kitchen. It was a couple hours after her small discussion with Alex and she had the strangest craving for PB&J. Normally, she wouldn’t touch the stuff with a ten foot pole, but this baby was making her eat things she hated. It figures her child would be the one to like peanut butter and jelly and scrambled eggs with extra pepper on them. Yuck.

“Craving some of the grossest food,” she responded with, making a face as she spread the jelly over the face of the bread.

Denise chuckled. “You don’t like PB&J? I think you’re the first person I’ve met that doesn’t like that. It’s a kid classic.”

“I’d never let my mom make it. But I just have this craving. My baby is going to love this stuff and I’m going to have to make it for them.” She shuddered then set the knife aside and grabbed the bag or regular Lay’s chips.

“And what a wonderful mom you will be.” The older woman smiled then seated herself on a barstool across from the blonde.

Brielle smiled at her. “I hope so.”

“Well, you’ve done a good job with trying to take care of my son.”

“Heh, I don’t know about that. I think I was tricked, because I wasn’t taking care of him. Your son is self destructing.”

“I know, and I want to help him so badly, but he has to be the one to take the first step.”

Brielle began placing the plain potato chips on top of the peanut butter on the bread. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to stay here much longer.”

Denise pressed her lips together, forming a thin line. “I understand that,” she finally spoke; her voice low and filled with sympathy. “I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I know that if you leave him, he’s only going to get worse.”

“So I’m supposed to hang around because if I leave, he’s going to drink himself to death? That’s not fair. Guilt tripping me isn’t going to help either of us.” She rolled the chip bag up and set them aside then put the two halves of her sandwich together.

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m not trying to guilt trip you. I just want you to be aware of what your actions will do.”

“Well, he should have thought about that before he started drinking again.” She grabbed a napkin then slid the plate containing her sandwich across the counter to an empty stool. “I just don’t think being here right now is a good idea. I think it’s only hampering things and I think we both need some space. Alex has serious issues he needs to work through and I need to step back from the situation,” she explained. “I feel like the wool was pulled over my eyes and now it’s gone and I need some time to think everything over and he needs some time to get over what happened with Renee and the whole alcohol thing.”

Denise watched as Brielle moved around the counter and joined her on the other side. “I can understand that.”

“I think, if we want to be able to come together and raise this child together then this is something that needs to be done.” Not to mention, she really needed some time away from him so she could decipher her own feelings. She was getting too close to Alex too quickly and it really scared her. The time apart would do them both some good.

“Where are you going to go?” Denise interrupted her thoughts.

“I don’t know.” She mulled it over then took a big bite of her sandwich.

Denise studied her a moment. “Well, Tony and I are leaving on Thursday. You’re more than welcome to come back with us and stay awhile.”

Brielle chewed her bite then wiped her mouth with a napkin. “Oh gosh, I really appreciate that, but you guys live in Florida and that’s so far away. I know I want space, but I don’t know if I want to be across the country. Besides, I start my new job on Monday, so I have to be somewhere close.”

“With all that money your grandfather left you, you still want to work?”

“Of course. I don’t know when I’ll get the money and I don’t want to spend it unwisely or blow through it too fast. Besides, working gives me something to do and I want to meet more people and feel like I’m earning something myself.”

The older woman smiled. “That makes a lot of sense.”

“I thought so too.” She took another bite of her sandwich and waited until her mouth was empty before continuing, “Though I think for the weekend, I might go back and visit Lily. I really miss her.”

“This weekend?”

“Yeah, I could leave Wednesday or Thursday and be back Sunday. Once I start working again, I don’t know when I’ll get to see her. Besides, I’d be spending New Year’s Eve in New York City. It’s amazing to be there for that holiday; nothing you can even begin to describe until you experience it.”

“Well,” Denise sighed some, “if you really feel you need to go, then I’ll buy your ticket.”

Brielle blinked. “Oh gosh, you don’t have to do that. I couldn’t accept it.”

“You can and you will.” She touched the younger woman’s shoulder. “I want to do it for you.”

“Alex isn’t going to be mad that you helped me?”

She frowned some. “What I do with my money is not my son’s business and he has no room to be angry. You’re only doing what you feel is right for you. Besides, it’s just a weekend visit. It’s not like you’re moving back there.” A beat. “Which you better not be doing.”

She chuckled low and shook her head. “No, I’ll stay here. It’s just a visit.”

“I think I can deal with that.”

Brielle smiled some. “I’ll come visit you sometime.”

“I hope you do. Maybe you and Alex could come together.”

The younger female tilted her head, picking at the crust of her sandwich. “I don’t know. We’ll have to see how things go. If he doesn’t get himself help then I’m not sure what kind of a relationship we’ll have with each other.”

“You’re not going to make amends unless he gets help?”

“I can’t let him think that I condone his behavior. Since I’ve gotten here, I’ve helped him hide his drinking from you and covered for him and I can’t do that anymore.” She pushed the remainder of her sandwich away, the craving for it gone completely. “He needs to fix himself and if I continue to make it seem like I’m okay with it, then he won’t.”

“Honey, you can stay here and not be okay with his behavior.” She reached and touched the blonde’s shoulder.

“No,” she shook her head, “staying would be telling him it’s all okay. And it’s not, Denise. It’s not okay for the way he treated me and how he lied to you and how he’s trying to drink away his problems. It’s not okay that I feel these things for him. And in turn he acts this way.” Tears threatened her eyes and she turned away from the other woman.

Denise frowned some at the anguish in her voice. Oh, she so badly wanted to tell Brielle that Alex felt the same way and it was right there, right on the tip of her tongue, but she knew it wasn’t her place. Alex wouldn’t appreciate it and who knows the kind of drama it’d add to the mess. Hopefully the two would be able to come together because they really were good for each other.

“So, you’re going to stay away until he stops drinking?” She studied the other girl. “You think that kind of an ultimatum is a good idea?”

Brielle sighed and took a long moment to gather her thoughts. She felt like she was all over the place and wasn’t portraying how she felt clear enough for anyone to understand. “I’m not going to give him any ultimatums,” she finally spoke, turning to look at Denise. “But I think some time apart will be good for us. It will let Alex figure out how he feels and deal with what he’s going through with Renee without any added pressure. I think that taking myself out of the equation will help ease his stress and he won’t have as big a craving to drink himself to death.”

“I think I understand.” She sighed some. “Just don’t cut him out of your life during that time entirely. He really needs you, Brielle. And I don’t say that to guilt you or try to talk you out of doing it. I say it because it’s the truth. He does so much better when you’re around.”

She couldn’t help but smile at that; she seemed to feel better when he was around too. And if they both wanted things to stay that way, then this was something that needed to be done. She just hoped she wasn’t making a mistake.