“Come on baby, we can go back to my tour bus…” Nick slurred into a girl’s ear as their bodies danced slowly together upon the floor of a random nightclub he didn’t know the name of.
“You are so wasted.”
“No, no no no…” Nick shook his head, almost stumbling. He’d only had a few drinks, but in combination with the Exelon it caused him to feel drunk far sooner than he would normally. “I…am fine. Fiiiiiiiiiiine.”
The young woman laughed. She was his old type. Bottle blonde hair, in her mid twenties, skinny, and legs that could go on forever. Her green eyes met his and he just laughed some more. “You don’t believe me?” His words blurred together, making it hard for her to even decipher what he was saying.
“I wouldn’t have guessed you to be a lightweight.”
“I-I-I ain’t. Well I am liiight. I dunno.”
She watched him with a raised brow. “I think it’s time to get you back to your tour bus buddy.” She sighed. “Call Brian or AJ. Just be happy I’m a fan and not some random groupie who’d use you.”
Nick shook his head, which ended up shaking his whole body with his complete lack of coordination. “Noooooo I’m mad at Brian. I...I ain’t calling him. Noooope.” He laughed and pulled her close once more. He didn’t even know her name, but right then, he didn’t really care.
She pulled away as the neon strobe lights danced around them, showing a mass of bodies moving sensually to the music around them. “Come on, give me your phone. I’ll call AJ then. You need some rest; don’t you have another show to do tomorrow?”
Evidently declaring Nick was no longer in any condition to make the decision himself, she snuck her hands into his pockets in search of his infamous Blackberry. He grinned, pulling her against him as he nuzzled her neck. “No AJ…you and me…”
She pulled away, staring at Nick sadly as the music boomed around them in an upbeat melody. “You know, I used to dream of this when I was a teeny, and now…” The girl shook her head as she flipped the phone open, scanning his phone for AJ’s number. “I can’t even say yes in good conscience.” She called the number, muttering. “Damn my morals…”
The conversation she had went unnoticed to Nick as he once again tried to pull her into his warm embrace. All he wanted was to escape. To feel. He felt so distant anymore, separated from those he cared about. They thought he was back to his old addictions, and he couldn’t even correct them. Instead all he could do was plead for them to trust them. Which, thanks to his own damaged history, they simply couldn’t do. After the first accusation, Jen approached him with the same questions. As did Howie. Only AJ had held back as of yet. All it did was add to his ever-growing frustrations. It led to a night of drinking and clubbing the pain away. He’d known he shouldn’t, and he just didn’t care anymore. One day he’d just forget this anyway. That had been his logic when he caught a cab downtown immediately after the concert that night in Miami.
As always, the way the tour had been set up was a bit random. Tomorrow was another show in Miami, then Orlando, before making their way along the southern states going west. The tour ended in Las Vegas in a month, giving them a break for Christmas and New Years before going overseas. Leighanne and Baylee had joined them on the tour only the night before, causing Brian to finally get his own bus rather than share Nick’s much to his relief.
A hand waved before his eyes, causing him to stagger and come back to reality as best as he could within his drunken stupor. AJ stood in front of him, his lime green polished nails danced before his eyes. He smiled at the girl who handed him Nick’s phone.
“Thanks for calling me down.”
She just nodded. “No problem, I mean he’s my fave…but I couldn’t take advantage of him like this.”
“Good to know there’s still good people in the world.” He hugged her, and before Nick could protest he lead him outside the club where a cab awaited alongside the road.
With the cab however, were a few paparazzi just waiting for the perfect scandal. AJ led Nick into the cab as cameras flashed around them. The two just ignored them, AJ grumbling as he followed Nick inside the car.
As it headed back to where their busses were waiting, AJ stared at Nick in disbelief, anger written clearly within his expression. “Are you kidding me dude?”
“I’m not drunk.” He slurred as he stared out the window. “And I’m noooot on drugs.”
AJ’s face softened, realizing what spurred this outing. It was typical of Nick, and one they all should’ve seen coming. Kevin would have, had he been there. When Nick was hurt, or angry, he would always do exactly what they accused him of doing. And while Nick hadn’t done any drugs, he had decided to go back to bad habits full force just to show them something. He’d been acting oddly, leaving all of them confused and angry. Anger never worked well with Nick, it only made him pull away even more than he already had. Nick kept his eyes out the window, even in his drunken stupor; he ignored the ache in his heart that yearned to tell AJ, or anyone what was really going on.
“I’m not. I miss Kevin.”
“I know buddy, I know. We’re just worried about you okay?”
“You should be.”
And while Nick passed out beside him, AJ was left to try and figure out what exactly Nick meant by that last and painfully honest drunken statement.
***
“Uncle Niiiiiiiick….”
A shaking motion caused him to stir, and shake him from the bliss dreams could give him. In them, he’d been okay. He didn’t have Alzheimer’s, and the people he cared about weren’t mad at him. It wasn’t a dream too strange or out there. It was simply a dream of the normality he craved. It was a dream of younger days, back when he felt more innocent and naïve in the ways of the world and its cruelties. The smile upon his face was gentle, sweet, and almost angelic.
“Niiiiiick…”
“Go away Kevin…” He mumbled. “I don’t care about school or the tutor…”
“NIIIIICK!”
His eyes blinked open. A curly, blond haired, twelve year old version of his best friend came into his vision. Baylee grinned as Nick rolled and turned to face him in his bunk. “Hey Bay.” He croaked, his head throbbing as a reminder of the previous night’s events.
Baylee peered his head further into the bunk, grinning. Nick grinned back, despite how bad he felt due to the hangover. I didn’t even have that many drinks…oh damn I’m a moron. He realized when he remembered the medication. Still, now wasn’t the time to dwell on it. “Happy to be back on tour with us squirt?” He asked as he climbed out of the small bed, stretching and wearing only a pair of worn Celtics sweatpants. His hair was all over the place, and his eyes were somewhat bloodshot as he rubbed them tiredly.
“Yeah! Though the fans asking for my autograph still weirds me out, cause I’m not even the famous one.” He made a face. “And I’m gonna get taller than you one day.” Baylee replied, smirking.
“I still don’t get the autograph thing and I am the famous one. And you ain’t growing if you’re anything like your dad. And squirt, you’re like his mini me.” Nick made his way further down the bus where the small kitchenette awaited.
“How’d the whole autograph thing start?”
“Hell if I know.”
“I’ll Google it.” That was always Baylee’s answer if someone didn’t have one, to Google it on his phone. Nick sometimes swore the kid helped keep the company in business.
“Google addict.”
“YouTube whore.”
Nick almost choked from laughing so hard. “Okay who told you I’m a YouTube whore?” In essence it was true. Ever since YouTube had first been created, it’d become Nick’s favorite pastime when he was bored. Especially during tours. He would watch anything and everything on the page even though he did have the money for Netflix and downloads or movie and every other normal way of entertainment. So it wasn’t something he let people know. Mostly because a lot of the videos he’d searched for were a bit strange, admittedly. It led to interesting “recommended” videos though when he would visit the page.
“AJ.”
“I’ma kill him…you ought to see what he does when he’s bored.”
Baylee raised a brow. “Dad always says AJ’s better staying in the dark about.”
“True story.” Nick yawned a bit. “So what’s up?”
“I’m bored…”
“And of course I’m the best cure for boredom…”
“Exactly!”
Nick sat at the table as he opened a package of poptarts to munch on. His eyes traveled over to a clock. 11:05 am, so it wasn’t too late in the day just yet. Baylee flopped in a chair, pulling out his phone and texting someone while Nick let himself wake up a bit more. As he went to ponder what to do, a knocking came from the door at the front of the bus. Baylee ran over to the door to answer, hyper as always, his father’s son in almost every way. Almost. His knack for sarcasm came from Nick, which he supposed made sense since he always called Baylee his adopted son anyway.
When Baylee came back into view again, he wasn’t alone. Now, the original version followed him. Nick stared him down. Part of him was still so angry at Brian for starting off the trend of drug accusations he’d been getting. Part of him wanted to yell and scream at him till he had no voice left to show the pain of betrayal he felt from his closest friend. And then there was the other half. The half that knew it was his fault they were having problems in the first place. The half that had caused him to go out last night. Because that half needed Brian so much, and had ever since that day he first went to the doctor’s office because he’d known something was wrong. That same half simply felt vulnerable, guilty, and scared, plain and simple.
Brian looked back at his son, who watched the awkward silence between the two curiously. “Bay, why don’t you help your mom set up for her Wylee Party.”
The preteen looked completely off put by such a suggestion when Nick knew he’d been ready from some Bay and Nick bonding time. “But Daaaaad I hate going to those things. All those old ladies…” Old of course, in Baylee’s book, meant around Nick’s age or a few years younger. “…they end up fawning and cooing and it’s weiiiiiird!”
Brian gave him a firm look. “Baylee, go help your mother.”
“But!”
“Not another word.”
“UGH! You never wanna let me have any fun!” He stormed out, shutting the bus door loudly behind him.
Brian sighed. “There, now you have someone else who can be mad at me with you.”
Nick gestured to the chair Baylee had been occupying. “You may as well sit as you interrogate my ass.”
Brian’s mouth twitched at the word choice, but instead of cracking a joke and laughing the way he normally would, he simply sat down as Nick requested. Nick broke off part of his poptart, chewing slowly, and waiting for whatever shoe Brian had to drop. “Look, Nick…”
Nick bit his lip. This was just as much his fault as it was everyone else’s. Time he acted like it. “…Brian…I…”
But could he say it?
Could he really tell Brian what was going on? How he lost things constantly on his bus? That part of the reason he’d become so flaky and late all the time was that it took him forever to recover necessary items? Or that he’d accidentally get lost if he was driving a car that didn’t have GPS? Or that his new trend of creating joke lyrics the way Brian did was to cover up his slip ups so no one realized he almost screwed up?
He stared at Brian, who waited expectantly. Into the kind, gentle face of a man who always accepted him no matter what. A man who on their first day meeting each other, had spotted Nick looking a bit lost amongst the others when they were at Lou’s mansion and hugged him tightly before he even knew Nick’s name? Someone, who, despite everything fought to be there no matter how much he screwed up?
He’d be there for him now, Nick knew that. And he knew he needed that.
But he’d be treated differently, so differently.
“…I’m sorry for the way I’ve been freaking you out.”
“You’re scaring all of us. Something’s going on…”
Nick nodded. “You’re right. And before you ask, yes Kevin knows what it is.”
Brian opened his mouth to reply but he interrupted him before he could. “And he’s not telling. Look…”He licked his lips. “It’s not drugs. It’s nothing bad.” Guilt rose at the lie, but he shoved it back down yet again. It was becoming a common feeling. “You just gotta trust me when I say that. I’ll tell you, but not now. Now ain’t the time. I just…I need time.” His voice was almost pleading now.
I need so much time. How am I gonna be able to tell them? Telling Kevin had just happened, a burst of emotion he hadn’t been able to control. Telling everyone else would be far more controlled, and far more painful.
Brian nodded slowly. “Kevin knows.”
“Yes. And you know if it were drugs his ass would be here right now dragging me to rehab the way he did AJ.”
Brian laughed, nodding. “He would too, and you’d kick and scream…”
“And whine a whole lot…” Nick joked, before pausing again to regain his train of thought while the laughter settled between them. “So can you trust me on this? Till I’m ready to tell you?”
“You know you can tell me anything…”
Nick leaned forward, his poptart lay on the small table, now forgotten. He rubbed his arms a bit. From an outside perspective, it looked like he was a bit chilly from sitting shirtless under the air vent. In truth, it was simply the idea of telling the fellas that chilled him. “I know man, and I will. I just need time.”
“Okay, I trust you.”
