The wind tousled his hair gently, crisp and cool unseasonably for California August weather. Nick was standing outside in AJ’s backyard, the day only half gone as the sun shone high in the sky above. He watched the branches of the nearby trees sway almost rhythmically with the swing set. They were using AJ’s studio down in the basement for recording that day. Nick loved every moment, loved the fact that all five of them were making a record again together for the first time in over ten years.
Still, sometimes he would catch the way they looked at him. They would stare when they thought he didn’t see. The expressions caught within their wistful eyes was always a mix of pity and melancholy that made Nick feel as if he were already dead and gone. No matter how upbeat any of them acted. All he wanted, all he needed was to be treated normally – or as normally as possible given the circumstances.
Singing while they stared at him as a dead man walking (no matter how true he knew it to be) wasn’t it.
So when he’d had enough, he announced he needed a break and practically ran for it.
“Uncle Nick...”
It was the voice of Baylee that caused him to turn. It surprised him, as Baylee had been acting distant. Nick had sat him and Mason down a week before, when he and Brian got back from New York. He had known he couldn’t avoid it much longer. He explained to him how he was sick, and that soon he’d be acting strange. They took it well, given the circumstances. Mason, he suspected didn’t really know how serious it was. Baylee, on the other hand, did, and overall avoided Nick. It hurt, but at the same time, he understood. So when he was around, he worked as hard as he could to pretend nothing was wrong.
Today, the wives had gone out for “girl bonding”, so Baylee was supposed to be watching the younger kids with the help of ten year old Mason while they were working on the record. The moment he takes the sight of his surrogate nephews in, he immediately has to swallow back the laughter that begs to surface. Every inch of the thirteen-year-old’s skin visible was covered with various colored paints. Mason was beside him, looking scared but just as brightly decorated. His shaggy blonde hair was now almost entirely a bright, happy, neon blue.
A brow quirked. “Did a double rainbow throw up on you guys?”
Mason shook his head with a glance at his older cousin. “No…they’re CRAZY!”
“Who!”
Two identical giggles could be heard coming from just inside the house. Nick groaned. At their best, Lily and Lenni were as sweet as could be. But, when they really got going, Nick was reminded again how two adorable little girls could be AJ’s daughters. When they stepped outside, Nick could see many little containers of finger paints held within their own colorful arms. Their skin was just as brightly decorated as their youthful babysitters’.
Nick walked over, picking the two up, and ignoring the fact he just got paint all over himself as well. He grinned at them as Mason and Baylee helped to get the paints away from them for now. Each rested on an arm, and once again Nick was reminded that he would never be able to do this with kids of his own. The pain of it was almost breathtaking, but was shoved aside almost immediately. He planted soft kisses on top of their heads, their hair done in many little braids. A sign Rochelle had been by before they arrived.
“What were you two doing?”
Lily beamed. “Making petty body pichures wike daddy’s!”
Nick laughed. Considering their parents, it was a wonder the two hadn’t tried this sooner. If nothing else, AJ would know without a doubt they were his kids. “Your daddy had to wait till he was all grown up before he could have people draw on him. Did you decide Bay and Mace needed them too?”
Lenni smiled softly. “We love them. They got pichures.”
Baylee shook his head as they all walked back into the house. He glanced up at Nick. “I tried to stop them, they’re crazy. And then James found all this funny as shit and…”
“Watch your mouth or Leighanne will kill me." Nick blinked, and looked around. “Wait where is James?”
The curly haired teen with spots of red marring the golden locks looked around, and suddenly panicked that the seven-year-old was no longer just behind him. He spun around, looking like a dog deciding to chase its own tail, and Nick was reminded of the days he’d lose Angel or Aaron, with that same expression of horror on his face. He smirked a bit as he shifted Lily and Lenni within his arms. Mason looked around, calm as can be now, likely because he knew he wouldn’t have to take the fall for any of it. Nick watched him run a hand through his hair, leaving a new violet streak lying along the blue as if he were a radioactive skunk.
“He was…”
“I’ve got him.” Howie said, with James trailing happily behind him. No paint could be seen as he gave a toothy grin identical to his father’s.
“Hey!”
“Jamie! My man!” This earned the evil eyes from Howie, who wasn’t a fan of the nickname. “How come you’re not all painted up too?”
“It was my turn next!”
Nick grinned at Howie. “When he turns eighteen I’ll take him to a tattoo parlor.” He joked, immediately regretting it. No, you won’t. You won’t even know who he is then. The awkward silence that followed confirmed his own thoughts.
“You okay Uncle Nick?” Baylee asked after a moment, looking eerily like Brian with concern in his eyes.
“I’m aight Br…” Shit! “B-Bay.” He replied, catching his slip before anyone else noticed. He set the twins down, beaming at them. The two four-year-old girls had a way of capturing anyone’s heart without even trying.
Lily grinned. “Tan we give you pichures Uncle Nick?”
He shook his head, showing her the tattoo that still resided on his wrist, covering one of the biggest mistakes he’d ever made, twelve years before. “Nah, I got my own, see? Just not as many as your daddy. But I need you two to go get cleaned up with Mace and Bay, okay?”
The two pouted, their brown eyes big and heartbreakingly sad. He shook his head. “For me, okay?”
“O…tay…” When he kneeled down, they both ran to him, each kissing a cheek. He wrapped his arms around them and smiled. Nick glanced over at the two fair-haired cousins as he stood.
“Hey, squirts, get them cleaned up. It’s your job since you were supposed to be watching ‘em.”
“But…they’re crazy!” Mason said once more, shaking his head.
“You two can handle it. Use AJ’s bathroom, it’s like a fricken swimming pool up there.” The two nodded, and Baylee and Mason each took a twin by the hand. The four kids headed upstairs. Nick’s eyes followed them, forgetting Howie and James just beside him. He loved them so much; he loved all the kids his best friends had. They always managed to compensate for the family who failed him every time. The incident with Aaron still weighed heavily on his mind. He shook the thought away.
“You left the studio in a hurry.” Howie started, breaking his reverie.
A shrug. “Wanted some air.”
Howie glanced over at his son, an immediate signal to Nick that he wasn’t going to like where the conversation was about to go. He scratched the back of his neck as he forced his own gaze away from his friend. James peered up at Nick, a grin set firmly on his face.
“You’ll come to my next game right?”
Nick kneeled down so that he was eyelevel with him. “Of course! Man I’ll even bring the biggest foam finger I can find. Cause I’m your biggest fan. Can I paint my face your team colors?”
“That would be AWESOME!”
“Good. I’ll be there then.”
“Hey, go downstairs and tell your uncles we’re up here taking a break with Uncle Nick.”
“Okay!”
As James ran down to do so, Nick turned and immediately made his way back outside. He didn’t glance back as he did so. A butterfly fluttered past him, and he kept his focus on the simple beauty of it in an attempt to ignore the footsteps of his band mate. Everything was just so hard these days. He wondered if he’d even be able to handle the VMAs next week, something he was constantly worrying about amidst all the extra rehearsals he scheduled for it. He had another appointment at the doctor’s tomorrow; to possibly increase the medication he felt was no longer working. He hadn’t heard from Aaron since the incident in New York, and with all this, he felt he didn’t need the fellas unknowingly adding to it.
A hand rested upon his shoulder.
Nick sighed, but made no other motion to even acknowledge Howie’s presence.
“Don’t shut me out.”
He whirled towards him. “Why not? I’m already dead right? I mean I got the will worked out, you guys are already looking at me like I’m a fucking walking corpse… so for all intents and purposes…”
“Nick, this is just as hard for us as it is for you.”
Nick shook his head, turning away. “No, it’s harder. I at least will forget all this soon enough. You guys are left with all this bullshit. Left with me.” A pause. “Thanks, for ya know, helping me work out that living will by the way. I can’t remember if I thanked you.”
“You did, and it was nothing.”
“I’ll probably forget again soon. Remembering anything new these days is a bitch. So, why bother?”
Howie nodded, at a loss for words himself. “So how are you?”
Another shrug. “As good as I can be. I just…I don’t know. I feel like I’m nothing but a pain in the ass for everyone now.”
Howie laughed. “Nick, that just means nothing’s changed. You’ve always been a pain in the ass. It’s just now you know you are.”
“You suck!”
His friend stepped up, putting his arm around him, and now, Nick welcomed his presence. The two chuckled. As the laughter faded, Nick smiled, glancing back over at him. There was an odd look within his normally impish eyes and Howie looked away. Nick said nothing. His arm went around Howie’s shoulders as well. The breeze simply blew around them, as they stood together in silence. These days, there was nothing either of them could say.
At least I’m not alone. He reminded himself. Nick watched Howie out of the corner of his eye. He could see Howie eyeing him as well but trying not to let Nick catch him at it. It was just the brotherly concern Nick had long ago become accustomed to.
Footsteps could be heard once again, and the two looked back. Kevin was standing there waiting for them, a soft smile on his own face. He looked tired, aged, unlike a year ago on that day Nick had told him everything. Nick knew it was his own fault, and the guilt swelled up from within. He loved them so much, owed them so much, and felt horrible that he was putting them through all this.
“Are y’all coming? You know, before I quit the group, a break was ten minutes, not twenty.”
Nick smirked. “Yeah yeah old man, we’re coming.”
“Who are you calling old little man?”
Howie laughed. “I believe that would be you.”
“You know I can still kick your ass.”
“Careful, you might break something.”
As the three headed back inside, Nick swallowed back his emotions. This would be what they remembered. He knew he had to give them as many good memories as possible. He was the one leaving them. The three continued to laugh and joke. None of them wanted to really say what they were thinking. All of them were just trying to put on a show, all of them trying so desperately to be as carefree as they appeared.
Nick knew this, and loved them even more for it. It was because of them, he knew he would never commit suicide. It was because of them he had decided to fight this so hard. It was like he told Howie, this was so hard for him, but for them, it would be worse. One day he was going to be oblivious and he knew it. He wanted to give them now, give them everything he could so they could hold onto it when he was lost.
I owe them that much.
