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Chapter Thirty Nine


“Brian…we can’t keep him forever.”

Brian walked towards the entryway to the living room. Nick was watching TV, or he hoped so anyway. He seemed more to be staring at it in a bit of a daze. But he wanted to be optimistic about things. He’d meant what he’d told AJ two weeks ago on Thanksgiving; parts of Nick were still alive. As long as that was true, as long as Nick wasn’t an empty, memory-less shell, Brian wasn’t ready, nor willing, to give him up.

He knew what the others were saying. After the last talk they’d had about it, he’d seen the looks they passed to each other when they thought Brian wasn’t paying attention. They thought he was tricking himself into thinking Nick could be healed. Brian knew better, he knew Nick was beyond that. He prayed nightly for his friend, even if it was to no avail. But he was realistic enough to know that only a miracle could bring back the Nick he knew completely. At the same time, he knew that person wasn’t gone yet either.

And until he was, Brian wasn’t going to let him go.

“I know…”

“Maybe Kevin’s right, and it’s time we start looking for a place for him to go.”

“No.”

“Brian…”

“I said no. I know that it’s getting worse.”

“We can’t give him everything he needs.”

No. We can right now. I know it has to happen, but not yet. He’s not ready.”

Leighanne touched his shoulder, turning him back towards her. He looked deeply into the warm blue eyes of the woman he’d loved for so long. That fateful day on the video shoot for As Long As You Love Me. It had changed his life, as did she. She supported him in everything, always there when he needed her to be. She didn’t even question Brian when he had told her they should stay out in Los Angeles to help Nick. Or when he asked if Nick could live with them, unable to live alone, yet not ready for an adult care center. He was deteriorating quicker than anyone expected, even the doctors. Yet, there were so many moments where the real Nick, the kid he’d known for so long, rose to the surface. Nick was still in there, somewhere.

“He’s not…or you’re not?”

Brian pulled away at the question, watching Nick once again. Now his face was lit up as he watched the football game that he’d found while channel surfing. He was cheering along as the runner ran across the field. Just like that, the Nick he knew and loved was there.

“He’s not. I’ll do what I have to…when the time comes.” He swallowed back the lump that rose. “But that’s not now. And I wish everyone would stop pushing me about it. He’s not ready.”

I’m not ready.

His wife simply nodded, leaning forward to kiss him on the cheek before walking off down the hall. He knew she disagreed with him. Brian was thankful she left it at that. He stayed in the doorway, simply watching Nick as the memories hit him. Nick wasn’t the only one reliving the past as time went by. Brian was as well. Who had known that this was where the path of their friendship would lead them?

Baylee walked in the room from the kitchen, as Brian continued to observe. For a moment he was thrown back into time. Back to the days when they shared hotel rooms, back in the early days of their career. How many times had he plopped down next to Nick, parked in front of the TV? The biggest difference was that then, it had been video games that absorbed him, rather than football games.

Baylee plopped down on the couch next to Nick. The action simply added to the déjà-vu. For the first few weeks he’d been staying with them, Baylee avoided the man who’d been like a second father to him. It hurt to see that from his only child, but he understood as well. Nick had too, and had hid the pain that the avoidance caused him.

“Who’s winning?”

“Tampa’s up by three.” Nick replied, grinning widely and Brian knew it had nothing to do with the game now.

“Sweet! You should’ve called me down once the game was on.”

“I forgot that it was, just caught it myself.”

“It’s okay, you forget everything these days.” Baylee teased, reaching up and tousling Nick’s head the way Nick always did to him growing up. “Just call me your personal PDA.”

“My PDA…A…A…” Nick sang, laughing. Of everything, the one thing that hadn’t slipped from his memory was lyrics from their catalog of songs. All those lyrics from previous albums up until the last two, Nick could still recite back with an accuracy that surprised them all.

“Fifty bucks say Tampa ends up choking and the Patriots win.”

“Dude, do you even have fifty bucks?”

“Of course I do!”

“You are so on Brian.”

“Baylee.” His son corrected softly, the smile on his face instantly vanishing.

Nick glanced back, confused for a moment as his brow furrowed in concentration. Then, he smiled shakily, though it was clear to see he was still a bit lost in the mix of past and the present. He sighed, before nodding. “Right, sorry Bay. It’s just, you’re such a Mini-B, that I had a fraud-and slip, I think it’s called.”

Baylee laughed, though Brian could see it was a bit forced. Still, he was proud of his now fourteen year old son, for handling it the way he was. The acceptance was there, Baylee was coping the best way he could. And Brian was proud.

“Freudian slip, Uncle Nick, Freudian. By the way, I googled the odds on the game.” He held up his iPhone 10 that he’d just gotten for his birthday. “You’re so going down.”

“Hey now! I got faith in my Bucs man…”

“Says the man who’s been claiming for the last decade they’ll win a Super Bowl.”

“It hasn’t been the last decade…and besides, ten years ago…you were only…” A pause. “Four. So how would you know?”

“Cause when dad first got me into football, the first thing he taught me was that you had bad taste in teams.” He snickered.

“Just watch, they’ll do it this season, you just wait.”

He watched the pair, laughing and bonding. For a moment it seemed once again like there were no problems. That Nick wasn’t sick, that his mind wasn’t failing him in the prime of his life. From an outsider’s perspective, this would look like a happy family scene. A typical day.

Brian simply wished he could believe the illusion himself.

The phone rang, distracting Brian from his thoughts of then and now, bringing him back from his musings. He walked back down the hall, giving a glance up to the record plaques that adorned the walls. He’d been so blessed during his life, as Nick had been. He was determined to be sure Nick realized that every single day. Despite everything, he kept his faith that God wouldn’t give them anything they couldn’t handle.

I only wish He didn’t trust us so much.

Finally, he answered the phone to hear Jenn Sousa voice on the other end. His brows raised a bit, he hadn’t talked to her since the release of End Of The Road almost a month before. With the decision to have no more interviews or promotion after the release, there hadn’t been a need to contact her. He considered her a friend, but with everything going on, it had been easy to lose touch for a bit.

Her last call had been to break the news that the album had broken the first week’s sales record last set by NSYNC, by selling 2.5 million records in the first week of release, counting both digital and physical copies. Call it petty, but Brian had had a moment a satisfaction by having their final “new” album as a group beat NSYNC one last time. Part of him knew that the reason it was selling so high, was because of the group officially disbanding, because of hype surrounding Nick and his condition. But he refused to think about that. It only got to be depressing. He had enough things to cause that as it was.

“Brian?”

“Sorry, I spaced out for a second. Everything’s been…” he glanced around, and when he saw no one, released a sigh. “…hard.”

“No, I understand. How’ve you been?”

“As good as I can be.”

“I actually have good news.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah…Grammy nominations are out. Nick’s been nominated…“

Brian’s heart soared with joy as Jenn listed off what categories I Did It For You was listed under. This was exactly what Nick needed. Something to show him that he would be remembered for what he did, what he created, and not for what he would become. He’d sworn to Nick just before thanksgiving to do something to ensure that. This could only help ease Nick’s fears.

“Hold on, okay!”

He ran out into the living room, thrusting the phone at Nick, who was too into the game for a moment to notice. His hand batted the phone aside. He shot an annoyed look up at him, without words, clearly expressing that Brian should know better than to interrupt now. He held out the phone towards him again.

“Nick, you want to talk to Jenn right now.”

Rolling his eyes, Nick took the phone. “Jenn, you’re interrupting the game right now…”

His eyes lit up as he was told the news. He started talking excitedly, the game now forgotten as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lost as Baylee had predicted. Nick hung up, and stood excitedly. He hugged Brian tightly. Brian couldn’t stop smiling.

“Brian…my solo work got nominated…I can’t believe this. Best Pop Performance, Best Pop Album…” He pulled away, looking at Brian directly, his eyes shining. “Dude…I can’t believe this.”

“You deserve it, you did some amazing work on that album, you put your soul into it and it showed.”

“I gotta call Kevin!” He paused. “Wait, do you think I got like…a pity nomination…because of, you know…”

“No! Nick, you deserve this. You got nominated because they thought your songs were worthy.”

Nick nodded, and immediately walked off to go call Kevin, dialing as he did. He watched him go contently, so happy Nick was going to get his moment before it all ended. Brian sat next to Baylee, who took Nick’s place in channel surfing. He wrapped his arm around him, and he immediately shrugged it off in typical teenaged fashion. He nudged him a bit playfully. Baylee glanced over at him, his face so like his own. If there was such a thing as time travel, Brian would wager this would be it. It was like looking into a youthful mirror sometimes.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure? You can talk about it you know.”

“I’m fine.”

Brian resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the simplistic noncommittal responses. It came with the age he was at; he remembered when he got to be like that for a little bit with his own parents. He tried again, straightening up the pillows cast aside along the couch.

“You can talk to me you know.”

Silence.

He waited, just watching Baylee watch TV. He knew what was coming before it did.

“It’s….just so hard you know? I mean…sometimes, he’s totally bad ass, Uncle Nick, ya know? And then he gets this way, and it’s like I don’t even know him. Like, he doesn’t even know me. Dad, you always say God has a reason for everything. Why? Why would he do this? Nick never did anything to deserve this…”

As he hugged his son close, his hands caught in his mop of golden curls, Brian wondered the same thing. His head rested upon Baylee’s, neither saying anything for awhile. They stayed like that, each lost within their thoughts.

“I wish I knew Bay…I wish I knew.”