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Chapter 12 – Moving On

Kevin tried to talk Nick into staying with him until he sorted himself out with somewhere else to live, and although it was a tempting idea, Nick declined. He didn’t want to be a burden on his friend and felt that Kevin had already done more than enough for him.

“If it’s because you think Jen will mind, you’re wrong” he shook his head “we’d both be happy to have you with us for as long as you want”

“Thank Kev, but I don’t think it’s such a good idea. I was thinking of staying in a hotel until I can sort myself out with a new place” Nick replied.

“You don’t have to do that you know, we have more than enough room for you” Kevin expressed.

“I know, and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I have to get stand on my own two feet. You’ve already done so much for me and no doubt, I’ll turn to you if I find myself struggling. But I’m a grown man now and I can’t rely on everyone else all the time” Nick explained, hoping Kevin understood what he meant.

“Have you any idea where you’re likely to move to?” the older man asked, fixing his attention on Nick.

Nick really had no idea, but he knew it would have to be away from his party loving acquaintances and away from Los Angeles. He wasn’t strong enough to deal with the temptations the city had to offer.

“I don’t know Kev, maybe down south” Nick shrugged, not really having given it much thought.

“The south sounds good” Kevin said in an exaggerated southern drawl.

And so, after leaving the rehab centre, Nick decided to stay in a hotel. They found one which was out of town but close enough that if he needed Kevin or his therapist, it wasn’t too much of a trek.

“Are you sure?” Kevin asked once they’d come to a stop outside a well kept out of town hotel.

“Positive” Nick replied and held up his phone “I’m only a phone call away”

“Well, don’t forget to pick it up anytime you want to talk” he advised.

“Sure thing Dad” Nick grinned

“I’ll give you a call tomorrow OK” Kevin said as Nick began to open the car door.

“OK” Nick replied and got his bags out of the boot of the car “thanks again Kev and I’ll see you soon”

“See ya” Kevin replied and waited until Nick had walked into the building before driving off.

The hotel wasn’t quite in the middle of nowhere, but it was far enough away from temptation that he couldn’t access his weaknesses that easily. He called everyone to let them know where he was and that he was OK. His Mom had mentioned going to stay with her, but that would be no good, the whole reason he’d ended up in this fucked up state was down to what he believed were family troubles. No way was he going back to that, his brother and sisters were almost as fucked up as him, how was him going anywhere near them going to make things any better? It wasn’t.

As Nick sat alone in his suite, he began to wonder how he was going to live the rest of his life. The more he thought, the more anxious he got. The more anxious he got, the more he wanted a drink. He fought his overwhelming desire to go to the liquor store, or the nearest bar. Every time the urge took him, he had to try to take his mind off it; he had to physically force himself to stop walking through the door. He lost count of the number of times he banged his head against a wall in frustration with himself, frustrated at his weak state of mind.

He didn’t give in though, tempting as it was.

“Why don’t you just come and stay with us for a while Nick” Kevin asked over the phone the next morning.

“Are you sure I wouldn’t be in the way?” Nick asked, sounding like a lost child.

“No, in fact, I insist” Kev told him. Kevin really did mean it too, anything he could do for Nick and he would do it. He was proud of him for even having the courage to fight his addictions. He knew he wasn’t out of the woods yet, but was well on the way to recovery; he’d completed his time in rehab and was positive about his future.

“If you don’t mind, I’ll take you up on that offer then bro” Nick said, relieved actually that Kevin still cared, still wanted him around.

Nothing had leaked out to the press about Nick’s time in rehab and he was grateful for that, it meant that he didn’t have that to deal with on top of everything else. As far as the fans were aware, the group were just taking a well earned rest after the tour, same as always.

“Come on, let’s get your stuff inside and you can tell me all about it” Kev said, picking up one of Nick’s bags.

Being there with Kevin was just what Nick needed. His calming, big brother, sensible influence helped Nick out a lot. They talked for hours and put a lot of stuff behind them. Nick felt comfortable being there, he felt safe.

“So, Kev, there is something else that’s been kinda on my mind these last few months” Nick tried to sound casual about it, but inside his heart was beating fast, he had to know. He had to hear it from the man himself. Was Kev still going to be a Backstreet Boy? Or was he really going to go his own way?

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” Kevin asked, wondering what else could possibly be on Nick’s mind after what he’d been through.

“It’s about the band Kev. Where do we go from here? Are you still leaving?” Nick asked, not sure whether he wanted to hear the answer.

“Ah” Kevin sighed “now this is something we’re all going to have to sit down and talk about. I really don’t know what’s going to happen. And this isn’t just about you Nick, but recently I’ve been thinking. Is this really what I want anymore? I just don’t know. I’m thirty four years old Nick, how much longer can we carry on with this?”

“Kev, we can carry on as long as we want to and as long as the fans want us. We’ve always said that. What happened to Backstreet Boys forever?” Nick said, fighting back the lump which was beginning to build in his throat.

“I know...I know” Kevin said with a sigh

“Don’t even go there” Nick said, alarmed by his band mate’s negativity.

“Let’s change the subject eh?” Kevin said “how about we go watch the game on TV”

“Sure, but this is not the end of the matter Kevin” Nick said

“I know” Kevin replied.