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Chapter Sixteen - February 29

I was fast asleep in bed lying on my stomach and clutching my pillow when the sound of a loud piercing baby's wail interrupted my dreams. I had never heard Noah's cries sound so panicked. Still feeling half-asleep and completely naked, I headed to the bassinet and picked up the bundle.

I stumbled under the weight of the bundle of blankets. I blinked in confusion. Then I realized I was at Brian's and there was no way Noah could be crying; plus the bassinet was pink. I pushed back the blankets to see that I was holding a gigantic rump of ham. A sound recorder was tucked into the corner of the bassinet, no doubt on a timer.

I set the ham back in the bassinet and headed towards the door. I was half-amused and half-angry. I was having a damn good dream and I was woken up for nothing but a ham. I reached for the doorjab and was ready to swing the door open when my hand just slid right off. The whole knob was covered with petroleum jelly.

Cussing loudly and hoping that Brian would hear, I headed to the adjoining guest bathroom for some toilet paper for my hand and the knob. As I unwound the roll and began to wrestle with the paper now sticking to my hand, I looked up at the mirror. Spelled out in shaving cream were the words 'You're the Butt of the Joke!'

I had a sinking feeling about those words. After rinsing off the jelly on my hand and wiping the shaving cream off the mirror I stood up on the tub ledge and turned around. I groaned.

Brian had played charades on my ass with what looked like permanent marker. My butt looked like a sideways version of Cartman's hand in that South Park episode with J-Lo. Bri had drawn eyes with large girly eyelashes and a little triangle nose. I assumed my ass was the smile. On my other cheek I had what looked like boobs.

I grabbed more toilet paper and a full can of shaving cream from my suitcase. After wiping off the petroleum jelly from the doorknob, I swung the door open. I marched naked down the hall.

It was like a scene out of Home Alone. The bottoms of my feet contacted with a bunch of hot wheel cars strategically placed on the floor. I wavered back and forth for just a second before crashing to the ground. The can of shaving cream rolled out of my hand. I watched it's path, only to have it stopped by a bunny-slippered foot.

The bunny-slippers were blue and pretty gay-looking, so I knew they belonged to Brian. He picked up the can and grinned.

"Retaliation, Nick? That ain't cool. I would have thought you would have at least put some clothes on. I don't need to see that flapping around."

I scrambled up to my feet. Brian held the can at the ready.

"Don't take another step closer."

"You're an asshole," I said with a half-smile.

"But mine's not quite as decorated as yours," Bri replied with a laugh. I brushed past him back into my bedroom.

"This better not be permanent marker!" I called out.

"You should know better than sleep naked when I'm around!" Brian replied.

"You're not allowed to touch my ass!"

I didn't wait for his response. I turned on the shower jets and dove under. I had a feeling I was either going to be stuck with Nick-olette until she faded from my cheeks or I was going to have to scrub them raw. I knew which option I was going to choose.

I just knew I was going to have a lot of explaining to do when I got home.

-------------------------------------------------

Even with all of the pranks Brian pulled, we still managed to get to the studio early. Bri began to do freakin' Swan Lake jumps across the stage as I bent down to tie my tennis shoe.

"What are you doing?" Howie asked. He was holding a cup of Starbucks and sipping it like it was gold.

"It's Leap Day. So I'm leaping. Get it?"

Howie laughed. "Yeah I get it. You're a seven year old stuck in a thirty-seven year old man's body."

"Like Tom Hanks in Big," I said. Brian's eyes lit up.

"We so need one of those big keyboards to dance on. Howie..."

"I think that's a little out of budget."

As Brian and Howie got into a discussion on the logistics of us having a floor keyboard, I went backstage to refill my water bottle. Andrea was at the drinking fountain when I walked up. She turned and tried to walk around me, but I grabbed her arm gently.

"Hey, we need to talk," I said.

"I just want to get to work today," she said. I dropped my hold on her arms and she crossed them in front of her.

"That's what I want to talk to you about. I don't think it would be in the best interest of the group if you continue with us."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "What? Why?"

I lowered my voice. "I think you know why."

"Is this your opinion, or everyone's opinion?"

"Listen, we will pay you for your time plus a bonus but I think it's better if you're not around to tempt AJ."

She smiled. I didn't like the smile. "Liv wouldn't like to know that you fired her friend."

"I don't think Liv would be happy if she knew that you were fooling around with a man who happens to be married to one of her other good friends."

Andrea laughed. "She's not one to talk, is she?"

"You're talking apples and oranges. There's two little unborn children involved here."

"She's damaged goods; those kids aren't going to make it. If I have it my way, J will get a nice, healthy baby soon. Unlike the ice queen, he can touch me all he wants. I'm already working on it."

For one split second I was reminded of Kevin and Howie telling me to keep today all business. That was kind of hard to do when I wanted to rip Andrea's twisted, ugly smile off her face and then go tear AJ's gonads off.

"Andrea, you're fired," I said coldly. "Pack up your stuff and get out."

"I think I need to talk to Kevin or Howie first."

"Fine, go ahead." I said. I was past the point of caring who knew about AJ's fucking stupidity. Obviously he didn't.

"Howie's out on stage. Follow the scent of Starbucks."

She turned and headed out on the stage. I sank down by the dripping water fountain and yanked out my phone. The picture I had managed to take before falling flat on my face yesterday was a little blurry but there was no doubt that it was AJ and a girl in a liplock.

I didn't want to be the bad guy, but damnit, I was done with this. I almost wished AJ had quit yesterday. I rolled through my directory looking for Ro's cell phone number.

"What are you doing?"

I looked up to see AJ hovering above me.

"I'm sending your wife a little message," I said coldly.

"Don't do that. I was out there with Howie and I told Andrea that she should leave," AJ said. "The problem's solved."

"Hardly," I said. I found Ro's number. Before I could press anything, I felt AJ's hands wrap around my wrist. I tugged him off, but he was hovering over me like a grizzly bear. My fingers clamped around my phone like metal vices. He began to kick me in the side, but I wasn't giving up without a fight. I tried scooting along the floor but he followed. In any other circumstance, the whole scene would have looked hilarious, but, trust me, I wasn't laughing.

"What the hell are you two doing?" Kevin bellowed. AJ was momentarily distracted. I took the opportunity to lean back hard into his shins, flipping him over me. Even still, his hands didn't let go. He scrambled like a tarantula and before I knew it he had me pinned to the ground.

"Give me that damn phone," he said.

"Should I get the taser again?" I heard Addy say from above us.

"Give me a minute," Kevin said. He yanked the phone from my hand. AJ was on his feet in a second. I sat up and looked up at Kev's face. He was looking at the screen; surprise written across his face.

AJ reached up for the phone. Kevin yanked it back.

"What the hell are you thinking?" Kevin said, his voice incredibly calm. Even so, I was waiting for him to turn green and his shirt to rip as he grew to three times his size.

Like I said before, you wouldn't like Kev when he's angry.

"It was a mistake," AJ said. His foot kept pawing the ground like a bull ready to strike; his eyes never strayed from the phone.

"This is more than a mistake," Kevin said. "Ro's never going to forgive you for this."

AJ didn't answer. His face was contorted in a way I had never seen before. With an anguished yell he rammed his head right into Kev's stomach. They both went down to the ground.

The yell brought Brian and Howie backstage.

"Here we go again," Howie said.

"No, that's not Nick," Brian pointed out.

They both looked over at me. I got to my feet. All three of us tried to get the two guys seperated. I kept my eye on my phone at all times.

The whole thing went down in seconds. Bri finally got Kevin seperated from AJ. Howie had AJ, but AJ lunged forward one more time. I saw the screen on my phone come to life. AJ had tapped the screen. I saw the blue bar slide across the screen and the message that the photo had been sent. He froze in horror.

It seemed like bittersweet irony that it had been by AJ's own hand that the proof of his infidility to his own wife had been sent.

Of course Ro wouldn't know that. She would see it was from my phone.

I just hoped she'd forgive me.

I had a feeling AJ never would.