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Chapter Thirty Seven

Somehow, even though I went to sleep thinking about just how much therapy Brooke was going to need when she grew up, I slept in late. The clock just flipped over to eleven when I opened my eyes.

I took a quick shower and headed downstairs. The whole house was quiet. I peeked outside and smiled.

Liv had spread a blanket on the grass and filled the baby pool with a soapy mixture. Brooke was toddling around trying to catch the bubbles Liv was blowing through different types of wands. Noah sat by Liv, his hands up in the air trying desperately to do the same thing Brooke was attempting to do.

It all looked so...normal. We were normal. Right?

Before I headed outside, I turned on my cellphone. It was almost noon; Brian had to be awake. I was probably the only dad that got to sleep in until eleven. Sure enough, he answered on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"I'm normal, right?" I blurted out. There was a long pause.

"Nick, I don't know how to break this to you...but there's no way in you-know-where that you're normal."

I groaned.

"Why are you asking me this now?"

I hopped up on the kitchen counter and explained what happened the night before. Brian started to laugh.

"It's not funny!" I said. "I screwed up my kid."

"She's only a year and a half. She's not going to remember."

I sighed.

"Dude, if there's just one thing I've got to say, it's that you must have been genetically mutated with a rabbit."

I held the phone away from me and looked at the screen in confusion. I put it back up to my ear.

"What?"

Brian laughed again.

"What's not normal is having that much sex with two babies in the house. As hyper as I know I am out on the road and when we do the TV gigs, at home with Kayleigh and Baylee and the two dogs and the craziness there's some nights I fall asleep at dinner with my head in the mashed potatoes. I don't know how you do it."

"Well--"

"Don't answer that," Bri warned.

This conversation with Brian was supposed to have made me feel better. It was making me feel worse.

"I've got to tell you that if you guys do this on tour Kev's going to get really annoyed. You know he likes to keep things discreet."

"We won't. There's no way we could with two kids in the bus."

"We're talking about you, Nick."

He had a point. I glanced back outside.

"Well, that's all I called about," I said awkwardly.

"I still love you even though you're a freak," Bri said sweetly. I cracked a smile.

"Thanks."

I hung up and headed outside.

I had the fear that Brooke was going to start screaming whenever she saw me, kind of like she did with Noah when we brought him home. Luckily, I was wrong.

"DA-DDY!" she said. I crouched down and she did an unsteady running walk to me, bubbles be damned.

"Whatcha guys doing?" I asked as I scooped her up.

"BOOB!" Brooke said. I looked at Liv with wide eyes. Oh my god, we did screw her up.

"Overreacting," Liv said calmly. She held up a wand. "Bubbles."

"Oh," I said. I tossed Brooke up in the air. She held out her arms wide and burst into giggles. All was good.

After a few minutes I sat down and picked up a wand. Liv and I spent the next half hour sending bubbles up in the air. Noah jabbered happily, big lines of drool slipping down his chin in happiness.

"About last night..." I whispered to Liv. She shook her head.

"Just let it go, Nick," she said.

"No, I called Brian and he said I'm not normal."

Liv laughed. Her eyes followed a heart-shape bubble's path.

"Your point?"

Noah crawled over and plopped himself on my lap. I hugged him tightly; he grabbed one of my fingers and gnawed on it. A sign of another tooth coming in.

"Well, I've decided that maybe I should fast."

Liv's eyes flickered to me. "Why in the world are you going to stop eating?"

"No, not a food fast."

She stared at me; then a look of understanding crossed her face.

"Nick, why would you do that? So we like to have sex. Big whoop. It's not like we do it everyday. I mean, sure, we probably do it more than most people, but c'mon. I'd say if we can still enjoy it even after spending a whole day running after two babies than kudos to us."

I took my hands and covered Noah's ears. He began to whine; I had taken away his chew toy, aka, my finger.

"Shhh."

Liv laughed. "You're being ridiculous. Plus, when have you ever wanted to me like everyone else?"

I glanced over. Brooke was crouched down. She picked a dandelion. Her mouthh opened.

"Brooke, NO!"

She looked over at me. Then she looked back at the flower. She stood back up and toddled back over to me. She pushed the flower into Noah's face.

"NoNo! FLOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Noah's face crinkled up and he batted it away. Brooke let out a little gasp as the dandelion crumbled. Her bottom lip quivered. In seconds she was down on the blanket, hands and feet beating the ground.

A temper tantrum over a dandelion. And all Noah did was watch her like she was a freak.

Liv scooped her up, dodging the little flying fists until Brooke finally slumped down, exhausted.

"I think it's time for lunch and then a nap," Liv declared. She stood up. I held Noah tightly and followed her into the kitchen.

As Liv and I went into mommy and daddy routine, working as a team to assemble two little lunches, I had to admit she was probably right. We didn't neglect our job as parents. Actually, we were damn good parents. So, if we rewarded ourselves with monkey, kangaroo, or any other type of sex, well...so be it.

And, as long as we made sure to do it in a room with a door that could be locked, then it was all good.

Definitely good.

-------------------

August 27

"Hey, Nick."

"Hey, J. What's up?"

"I was wondering if you could suggest an attorney."

I set down my fork. AJ sounded weird.

"You weren't arrested, right?"

"No, it's Ro's mom. I just received a summons for a court hearing. She wants legal custody of Alexis and Jonah."

"What? Why?"

"She's claiming I'm an unfit parent."

"That's ridiculous."

"I hope so. I don't want this to drag out. Actually, I'd prefer not to even go to court."

"Well, the lawyer that did Liv's divorce is pretty good. Even if he doesn't have expertise in this area he can probably suggest someone that does."

I got up and rifled through a drawer full of business cards. I found the right one and rattled off the name and number.

"Thanks," AJ said.

"Is there anything else you need? A letter or...anything?"

"I'll let you know once I talk to the lawyer."

He sounded so tired.

"Just let me know, okay?"

"I will. Thanks Nick."

"Okay. Bye J."

I hung up and slowly picked up my fork. Liv looked at me.

"AJ?"

"How'd you guess?"

"It seems like any bad news lately involves AJ," Liv reasoned. She had a point.

"Ro's mom is trying to take custody of the twins," I explained. Liv's eyes widened.

"She doesn't stand a chance! No judge would take them away from AJ."

"I know. I mean there's the whole prostitute thing."

"People have done far worse than that and still keep their kids," Liv said.

"True," I said. I hoped for AJ's sake that Liv was right. If he lost the twins on top of everything else I had a bad, bad feeling that we would be attending another funeral soon.

"EEEETI!"

I glanced over at Brooke. She had been doing really well with the spaghetti, carefully eating a noodle at a time. But something, maybe the frown on my face, had triggered a need for attention. I watched her pick up the bowl.

"Brooke--" I started to say, but it was too late. She dumped the whole bowl upside down on her head. Noah, who was strapped in a his little high chair across from her smiled and banged his tray. Brooke clapped her hands and laughed hysterically. Then she flung a noodle across the table. It landed on Noah's forehead. He picked it up and stuffed it in his mouth. Liv just closed her eyes. I think she was probably silently counting to five in her head.

"Okay," she finally said. "Tub time."

Brooke pulled a noodle out of her hair and ate it. Liv stood up and picked her up. Brooke's eyes widened.

"NO! NO! NO!"

Noah looked up. He clapped his hands.

I heard a constant No! No! No! until the water turned on. Then the little mermaid was happy. I glanced over at Noah.

"Girls are weird," I said. He stuffed a Cheerio in his mouth and I swear he nodded. He held out a Cheerio to me. I took it. Sure, it didn't taste great with spaghetti, but it made him smile. Some whole grains Italian style were worth it for that.

As I put our dishes in the sink and scooped Noah up for a much-needed diaper change, I couldn't help but think how lucky I was that Liv's mom loved me. Sure, my mom was a piece of work, but even she wouldn't think of taking our kids away from us. Not that she would stand a chance. She was more unfit than I could ever be.

Of course, if Liv's mom ever knew that her granddaughter had witnessed me couch humping her daughter, I'm sure I'd probably go down a couple notches in her book.

That's why some things are best kept secret.