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Chapter Forty Two

-- Nick --

As I watched Leigh maneuver the bus away from the house, I couldn't help but wonder what the girls were going to do. Knowing them, they'd probably watch a movie and go shopping.

Boring.

"James!"

I watched Howie take off at a run. James was laughing as he ran. He almost sounded like he had a wicked case of the hiccups. I caught Brooke just as she tried to dive under the picnic table.

"Okay, we can so do this," Brian said. It was like he was giving himself a pep talk. Kayleigh was squirming in his arms.

From around the house I heard a whirrling noise. I turned to see Mason driving one of those little PowerWheel Jeep things. Shelby was standing up in the passenger seat, clinging to the bars.

"GO FASTER!" she squealed. Kevin ran over.

"Mason, don't drive that around today. Too any kids," he said. Mason turned the wheel hard and drove around him. Shelby turned around and pointed at Kev.

"DRIVE! DRIVE! It's KING KONG!"

The girls had been gone less than ten minutes and there was already way too much going on.

Howie came back towards us. He was carrying James like a football.

"Maybe we should go in the house," AJ said. Kev shook his head.

"I want my house in one piece."

"Then we need something to distract these guys," I said. Brooke had her finger shoved up her nose. I pulled it out and she screamed.

"I can do my magic show!" Baylee said.

"Did you bring your whole kit?" Brian asked in surprise. Baylee ran over to the picnic table and picked up a huge black box.

We all looked at each other. We didn't have a better idea.

"Let the show begin," I said.

---------------------

The magic show idea worked pretty well for about an hour. Shelby and Mason were eager assistants. While they were distracted, Kevin locked the Big Wheel up in a storage shed. James, Brooke, and Kayleigh all stared wide eyed at the colored scarves that Baylee was pulling out of his sleeve. Noah was curled up in my lap, fast asleep with his bottle hanging out of his mouth. AJ was rocking Ally and Joe's carseats and they kept drifting off to sleep.

"We're awesome," Brian whispered in my ear. I laughed.

"And I think our women doubted us," I whispered back.

"Now for my next trip," Baylee said. "I will now attempt to saw someone in half. Do I have any volunteers?"

Brian's eyes widened. "That's not in the kit."

Baylee had obviously beat Kevin to the storage shed. He held up an old rusty saw that practically screamed 'I need a tetnus shot' all over it.

"SAW ME! SAW ME!" Shelby squealed. AJ looked up.

"I think the magic show's over!" he called out. Baylee lowered the saw in disappointed. Kevin swooped in and started in the direction of the shed with the saw safely pointed down.

"Now what we gonna do?" Shelby asked. She put her hands on her hips and looked around.

"Wait here!" Mason took off towards the house.

I scooped Noah into my arms and stood up.

"I'm going to put him in the house," I suggested.

"I think I'll put Ally and Joe--" AJ started to say. As if on cue, Joe began to cry. He picked up both carseats.

"Bri can you watch Brooke?" I asked. Brian nodded. Kayleigh and Brooke were pulling blades of grass and passing them to each other.

AJ followed me into the house. He sat down on the floor to change Joe while I shook out the collapsible playpen. I put Noah down and plopped a baby monitor down. If he woke up; I'd know.

"You need any help J?" I asked.

"Can you feed Ally?" he asked.

I had just plopped down on the couch with a bottle and a baby when Mason tore down the stairs. He was carrying a pillowcase filled with stuff.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Stuff!" he called out. With a bang of the screen door he was outside.

"I can't believe he's Kevin's," AJ quipped. "He reminds me of you." I laughed.

"I sure as hell didn't sleep with Kristin," I said.

The screen door flew open again. James ran in, saw us, and stopped.

"I GOTTA POO!" he said. Howie was right behind him.

"Don't make an announcement. The potty's upstairs."

James scrambled up the stairs. Howie finally picked him up and ran the rest of the way.

Ally was happily sucking on the bottle. I couldn't help but smile down at her. I didn't say it out loud, but it felt nice to hold a tiny baby. Of course, I'm a sucker for little girls.

"Don't be making googly eyes at my daughter," AJ said. I laughed. He got up and sat next to me, bottle in hand. Joe placed his hands on the sides of the bottle and began to drink.

Just as I was thinking about how relaxing it was sitting in the quiet living room, the door opened and Shelby and Mason ran back in. The pillowcase looked even heavier and dirtier than before. There was also a funny smell...

"Guys, what are you doing?" AJ called.

"NOTHING MR. J!" Shelby said. They bounced up the stairs.

Howie must have passed them going up the stairs. James was clinging to his hand. Howie opened his mouth to say something, but all of a sudden Brian poked his head in.

"Nick?"

I looked over; he looked panicked.

"What's going on?"

"Where's your diaper bag?"

I looked at him. "Isn't it out there?"

"No, and I think I forgot to take Kayleigh's off the bus."

"I'll take Ally," Howie offered. I handed her over and jumped up.

"We couldn't have both forgotten to get the bags," I said. We jogged down the porch steps. Baylee was standing guard; he had his shirt over his nose.

I looked around the yard. I knew the bag wasn't in the house.

"Crap, this means we don't have diapers, right?"

"Right."

I looked over at Kev. He was walking towards the house.

"Hey Kev?"

He turned around. "Yeah?"

"Can you run to the store? Bri and I forgot our diaper bags."

Kevin opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, I saw something bright pink flying through the sky. Kevin looked up.

That was the worst thing he could have done. The balloon exploded right in his face. Kevin screamed.

Dark brown liquid was sloshing all down his face. I think he swallowed some too. I looked up. Mason and Shelby were hanging out the window.

"MASON!!!" Kevin screamed. He wiped his eyes and went around the building. I strained my ears. I swore he was throwing up.

"I TOLD YOU HORSE POOP WAS A BAD IDEA!" Mason yelled. Shelby held up her hands and shrugged.

I felt a line of sweat breaking out along my forehead. At the same time my monitor went off. Noah was awake.

"Dad, can I call mom?" Baylee asked. Brian turned.

"No! We have this under control."

Baylee just pointed down at the girls. Brooke had managed to get out of her diaper and had taken off at a run. Her little dress flew up and all I saw was white Carter baby butt in desperate need of a cleaning. I ran after her and scooped her up.

"DAD-DY, NO!!!"

Kevin walked back around the house. He was holding what looked like a barn towel. He headed towards the house.

At that moment another balloon sailed out the window. Shelby looked down.

"UH-OH!"

At least when this one exploded all over Kev, it was filled with water. AJ appeared behind Shelby at the window.

"Shelby, TIME OUT," he said.

"What? NO! NO! Mr. J!" She disappeared out of the window. Mason's head poked out. Kevin looked up.

"Mason. Get down here. NOW," Kevin said.

"Do you think this is a good time to ask Kev for his keys?" Brian asked.

"I don't care. We need diapers," I said. I headed towards the house. Brian scooped up Kayleigh and walked with me. Bri stopped to talk to Kevin; I walked into the house.

Howie was just putting Ally back in her carseat.

"Can you go to the store for diapers?" I asked him. "I can watch James."

"Sure. What's with all the screaming?"

I shook my head. "Don't ask."

-----------------------------

It took two hours before things completely settled down. Shelby and Mason were seperated in two corners of the room for the sake of everyone and for punishment for the balloons. Kevin still smelled faintly of manure. Howie left and came back with diapers. Everyone was happy and clean.

And the five of us were practically comotose.

"We have to do something for dinner," Kev said.

"Don't you have any more hotdogs?" I asked.

"I don't LIKE hot dogs," Mason said from the corner. Kevin caught his eye and he turned back around. I heard a loud snot-filled sniffle.

"We need something that isn't messy," Howie said.

"I can go make some peanut butter sandwiches," Kevin said. Brian pointed at Baylee and then at the kitchen.

"Can you go help Uncle Kevin?"

Baylee gave him a look. I felt sorry for the guy. Almost ten and stuck with five clueless dads and seven little kids.

Brian seemed to realize the same thing. He got out his wallet and handed over a twenty dollar bill. Baylee grinned.

"Sure!"

Fifteen minutes later Kevin and Baylee brought out trays of PB&J. I was too tired to eat. I think the other guys felt the same.

"I'm going to remember this day for the rest of my life," Howie said. "I'm thinking James would make a good only child."

Brooklyn tore of a bite of her sandwich and held it up to me. I couldn't help it; I smiled and took the little bite. Somehow it made the whole day better.

"We had some problems, but it wasn't that bad," I said.

"Listen to Mary Sunshine," AJ said.

Before I could respond, I heard a knock at the door. Kevin stood up and opened the door. After a quiet exchange, Addy's dad walked in along with two older ladies.

We had all met Addy's dad the night before at the cookout. Kevin had told us for the longest time Mason had called him Santa. I saw the resemblance. He looked around at us with a jolly expression.

"The ladies and I are here to offer you guys a reprieve," he said. Kevin was frowning. I smelled something fishy.

"No offense," I said. "But this is more than a three person job."

One of the ladies laughed. "No offense, but we're professionals. I raised six kids."

"I raised four," the other lady said.

"And I'm a doctor," Addy's dad finished. He glanced at Kev.

"Our services are needed somewhere else," Kev said. We need to take a trip

It was a very superhero thing to say. He had peeked my curiosity.

Howie groaned. "I don't think I can walk."

AJ stood and yanked Howie to his feet. Brian helped me up. We walked outside and Kevin shut the door. Kevin turned to us.

"Addy's dad just got a call from the police chief about five women," he said.

My heart began to pound. All I could think of was the bus had overturned. We were all widowers. With kids. LOTS of kids.

Oh shit.

"Where are they?" Bri asked. Obviously his mind hadn't gone where mine had.

Kevin unlocked his SUV and we walked to the car. He yanked opened the driver's side door. After yelling and grumbling for the better part of the day he actually smiled.

"Five drunk and disorderly women were spotted on top of the water tower."

We looked at each other. Each and every one of us grinned.

Oh shit.

---------------------------------------

Kevin pulled up to the Sadieville water tower. It was dark but I could make out five shadows against the light blue tower with huge black letters. We all got out of the car and looked up.

Kevin didn't waste any time; he started to climb. AJ was right behind him.

"Guys, maybe we should just tell them to come down," Brian said quietly.

I was standing by Brian. Looking up at the tower from directly below it, the thing seemed a lot higher than I would have ever imagined.

"If they're drunk, they'll fall of the tower if we don't go up and help," AJ whispered back. Brian stuck his hands in his pockets. Kevin didn't even stop to listen to the conversation; he just kept climbing.

"Yeah but there shouldn't be ten of us on that walk," Brian said. He was sounding squeaky.

"Then you two stay down here," Howie said. AJ started to follow Kev and Howie climbed on.

About halfway up there was a loud creak.

"Kev!" Brian screamed like a girl.

If we had been trying to surprise the girls, that idea was completely ruined. We heard loud giggles.

"It's OUR boys!"

I squinted up into the darkness.

"Hi boys!"

I had no idea who was saying what.

"Watch out!"

Something pink came floating down. For one second I thought that they were pulling a Shelby and dropping water balloons. I stepped out of the way. Brian wasn't fast enough. The thing landed on his arm. He picked it up. Panties. He grinned.

"These are Leigh's," he said.

"Well if she's ever kidnapped, it's good to know you can identify your wife by her panties," I said. I looked up hopefully. I wouldn't run away from Liv's panties now that I knew I wasn't going to get hit with horse dung.

I think Kev reached the top before any other panties could come off. I heard loud boo's and Kevin talking. Soon there were eight shadowy figures on the walk above.

It took about five minutes before the first two people descending. It was Kevin leading Leighanne down. He reached the ground first. She practically toppled backwards. He staggered and then rolled her over to Brian.

"That's yours," he said. He climbed back up. AJ brought the next shadowy figure down.

Leighanne wrapped her arms around Brian's neck. I can honestly say I've never seen her that drunk before. She smelled like martinis and heavy scotch and something else...maybe Jack Daniels.

"Did you...did you get my gift?" she asked. Brian leaned his head back, probably so he wouldn't get knocked over from the smell.

"I did. Very nice."

She burst into giggles. My attention was diverted back to the ladder. The second girl was coming down and I knew the form well.

"And here's yours," AJ said.

Liv's dress was hiked up and she was barefoot. Before I could reach out for her she fell right onto the ground. She snorted and began to laugh hysterically.

"I didn't think you liked heights," I said. She looked at me and grinned. Her boobs were practically spilling out of the dress. She shook her head and got on all fours.

"It's notso bad when you're...when you're..."

"Drunk?" I guessed. She laughed and held a finger to her lips.

"Shhh...don't tell Nick."

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. "I won't."

Howie came down the ladder next. Leigh was clinging to his neck.

"I can't...I can't drive the bus," she said. "I...I had a drink or forty drinks or...you want a drink?"

Her legs looked like they were made of rubber. Howie finally just picked her up.

Kevin came down the ladder next. Addy was slowly inching down with him. He was talking gently to her.

"It's okay. Really. I'm glad you had fun."

Obviously Addy was a weepy drunk. Or at least a weepy drunk when she was completely blasted. Which as each girl finally made it onto solid ground, the extent of their drinking was completely apparent. I knelt down next to Liv. She pressed her face up next to mine.

"I...I like Kentucky," she said. I cupped her face in my hands. Her head had been swaying and I was almost afraid she was going to snap her own neck.

"That's good to hear," I said.

The last person down off the ladder was AJ. Molly gave a little jump and landed on her feet. Of all the girl's she seemed to be the steadiest. She was also the one holding the remenants of the liquor bottle.

"We're not gonna litter," she explained to AJ. She took another step forward and stumbled.

So much for my theory about being the steadiest.

"What are we going to do with you?" I heard Howie ask Leigh. She was patting down his shirt as if she was playing a game of Whack-a-Mole.

"I bought leather handcuffs," she blurted out. "Red. And a whip."

I glanced back at Liv. She had rolled over onto her back. Modesty had flown out the window. She looked up at me and just started to giggle.

"What did you guys do today?" I asked. I was mesmorized by her eyes. They weren't really focused, but boy they were sparkling.

"Molly Molls got a lap dance," Liv said.

AJ was holding onto Molly's waist. She was practically falling onto the ground. Molly put a finger to her lips. "Shhhhhhh..."

"We went to a porn store," Leighanne said. She looked at Bri. "I've got to...I've got to go to confession."

Brian looked at her. Leigh's knees gave away and she fell to the ground. She wrapped her arms around his legs. All I could think about was blow jobs.

"Did you buy anything?" Brian finally asked.

I felt Liv tug on my shirt. I looked back at her. "We all bought toys," she whispered. "They're in the bus."

I think all five of us guys looked at the bus. I can't vouch for the others, but I suddenly had a newfound respect for the bus.

"I bought a vibrator and I don't even know how it works!" Addy wailed. "And did you know they have crotchless panties?"

Kev's face turned bright red. I don't know whether he was embarassed or turned on. I was going to go with embarassed 'cause I don't want to think about Kev turned on.

"What are we going to do?" Howie asked. Leigh's face was buried in his neck. He seemed to be struggling to keep his hold on her.

"I know what we can do," she blurted. Then she said something dirty in Spanish. At least I think it was dirty. And I think it was Spanish. It might have been Italian.

Liv's hand was sliding up my leg. I knew what I wanted to do. But I also knew that I wasn't going to torture Addy's dad and those two old ladies for an entire night while all of us had a Backstreet bang fest.

"I'll take Liv back to Kev's and watch the kids tonight," I offered. "If that's alright with you, Kev."

Kev was still holding Addy, brushing away her tears. He looked at me and nodded.

"That's fine. I think Addy's ready for bed. Right, sweetheart?"

Her arms went around his neck and she nodded. I had a feeling Kevin was looking forward to a lot of sober honeymoon sex. Him and I were going to take one for the team.

AJ was still holding onto Molly.

"Ally and Joe..."

"We can handle it," I assured AJ.

"Shelby..." he added. Molly lifted her head. She turned in AJ's arms. For a minute I thought they were going to kiss. I almost wanted popcorn. Instead she started shaking her head.

"Shelby's never seen me...me..me drunk," she said in a loud whisper. AJ just nodded.

"Okay, okay." He glanced back over at me.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," I said. "I have a little experience dealing with a preemie."

In the end, we loaded all the girls into the bus except for Addy who rode with Kevin in the SUV. Brian took control of the bus again. There was a lot of giggling going on between Liv and Leigh and a lot of racket as if they were rifling through bags. I had a feeling they were comparing porn shop trinkets.

Once at the hotel, AJ, Brian, and Howie got their girls to the rooms. Each one of the girls had a big Adult Emporium bag. I was secretly dying to see what was in Liv's but I was going to be mature for a change. I just dropped it off in our room.

A little suspense never hurt anyone, right?

Before we left, Kev and I walked into the hotel and got the port-a-crib from AJ's room. After clearing the use of it with the hotel staff, I got behind the wheel of the bus and Kevin returned to the SUV. We drove back to his place. Even before we pulled into the drive, Liv was passed out. I had made the right choice. Having sex with a passed out drunk girl was nowhere near as fun as having sex with a tipsy, fully-conscious girl.

Addy's dad and the two old ladies had everything under control. They had constructed a tent city out of chairs and sheets and every single one of the kids was fast asleep with a smile on their face.

I tucked Liv into bed in the guestroom. I met Kev in the hallway. We headed downstairs together.

"I'll take the first shift," he offered.

"Naw, I'll take the whole thing. You're getting married tomorrow."

Kev smiled. "That's why I'm taking the first shift. I'm sure everyone won't wake up until your shift."

As I sprawled out on the couch, I had to give it to Kev.

His brain worked a whole hell of a lot faster than mine.

I fell asleep thinking about Liv's mysterious porn store bag even as Kev rifled through Addy's.

Obviously, Kevin didn't appreciate a good surprise as much as I did.

Either that or he was getting ideas for the honeymoon.

I just hoped the poor old guy didn't have a heart attack or break a hip while he was going at it.

We needed him on tour in one piece.

And all his equipment needed to be in working order.