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CALLING MELLY


I made my way back to my seat on the plane, stunned and weak-kneed. How, I wondered, could sex with my childhood imaginary friend have been that mind-blowingly amazing? I slumped down in my seat and covered my face with my hands, trying to recover. AJ, who had woken up while I was gone, stared at me, a knowing smirk on his face. "So..." he said, leaning closer to me, "Which one of the hot flight attendants did you bang?"

Just trying to get him off my back, I pointed at a male steward who was bending over the drink cart getting a V8 for a woman across the plane. "He was sthooo shexy," I said with a fake lisp.

AJ rolled his eyes, but just said, "It better be the blonde one, she's a fox."

I leaned back, and stared ahead at the back of the seat in front of me, thoroughly distracted from everything going on around me, thinking about Victoria.

Victoria had been my safe-haven, my precious piece of sanity. In a time when my life had been so full of turmoil and craziness, I'd clung to her like she was a life ring in a violent ocean. I'd be drowning in myself and I'd run to escape it and Victoria would be there, ready to listen and to help me through the hard times. She was everything I'd always dreamt and hoped for in a woman; of course she would be, she was invented by my own mind.

But yet, she had a strangely real quality. The proof of her tangibility was in the sex.

I was reminded of a novel Melly had once told me about, where a woman met an imaginary friend who only she could see. She'd done things with the imaginary friend, experienced life with him, and believed he was really there. Melly had been intensely moved by the book, and that's why she'd told me about it so enthusiastically. I'd never read it myself, but the premise of it reminded me of my own dilemma.

Except for one thing.

Victoria had a certain ferocious air about her that made me deeply uncomfortable. It was the strangest feeling because being a figment of my imagination, I would have expected to be able to control her once I figured out that she was all in my head, but she was utterly impossible to control.



By the time we got through customs in Delhi, I was exhausted. I got to the hotel and fell into bed, smooshing my face into the pillow. I’ll call Melly in the morning, I thought, helpless to overpower sleep.

“Why are you still calling her?” It was Victoria.

“Because,” I murmured, “I love her.”

The bed shifted to my side as Victoria climbed onto the mattress beside me. She ran her hand across my back gently, and sat there silently for a few minutes. “Nicky, she isn’t any good for you,” Victoria said at last, “She’s going to make you grow up and be, like, an adult. A father, no less.”

“So?” I asked, “Maybe that’s what I want.”

Victoria laid down beside me and I could see her out of the corner of my eye. I shifted my eyes to look at her. “Nicky, you never wanted that,” she said, “I know.” She tapped the side of my forehead gently, “I know… I’ve been in here.” I rolled over so she got to stare at the back of my head and stared at the wall. I heard her sigh, “You can turn away from me, but that won’t block me out, Nicky.”



When I woke up, rays of sunlight were pouring through the window. I took a deep breath before turning to see if Victoria was still there, and was relieved to see she’d gone. I lay back down under the covers and reached for my cell phone, quickly dialing Melly’s number for the second time in so many days.

“Hello?” It was Melly’s sweet voice.

“Hey… it’s me…” I said slowly, “Nick.”

She was quiet a second. “Nick, oh my God.” She paused. “Where are you?”

“Delhi, India,” I answered.

“Wow,” Melly said, “That’s far.”

“Yeah,” I said.

Melly’s voice was gentle, “Why are you calling?”

“I’ve been thinking about you lately,” I admitted, “A lot.”

“I’ve been thinking about you, too,” Melly said. “I saw on the news you were in the hospital in Japan. What happened?”

I sighed, “I had a really bad fever, basically… There was a fancy word for it, but I dunno it now. Plus I was dehydrated… yanno.” I sat up on the bed and tucked my feet into my lap like I was doing yoga. I started picking at my toes. “Melly, I really miss you.”

“Nick…”

“No, Melly, listen… I’ve been thinking… maybe –“ I bit my lip. “Maybe that stuff we talked about… Yanno, the whole future thing?... Maybe those things wouldn’t be so bad after all.”

Melody’s silence was heavy. “Nick…”

“Melly, I was wrong to break up with you,” I said slowly. I imagined the house and the kids and the smiles in the family photo album. “I know I was wrong, Melly.”

“And?” she breathed the word.

“Melly, I wanna get back together.”

“Ohh Nick,” she whispered.

“I can’t live without you, Melly, I’m going crazy,” I thought of Victoria. “Seriously, I am. I need you in my life… I love you, so much.”

Melly’s voice caught in her throat, “Nick, I’ve met someone.”

My blood ran like ice. I waited too long, I thought, sick to my stomach. “Oh,” I stammered.

Melly sounded apologetic, “If you’d called sooner… I… definitely, I would’ve wanted to try again. But Nick, there’s someone else now. And… honestly, Nick, I don’t believe you’ve changed; not really.”

“I have, though,” I whispered.

“Then you’ll make some woman very, very happy,” she answered. “But that woman isn’t me, Nick… she isn’t me.”

I hung my head and felt tears escaping my eyes. I closed my eyes, listening to Melly on the other end of the line. “Nick, you were a wonderful boyfriend, you love so passionately, but you aren’t a husband or a father yet…”

Suddenly hands were on my face, wiping the tears. I opened my eyes and Victoria was kneeling on the bed in front of me, her eyes were sad, and her thumbs catching the tears from my eyes. “But I could be,” I pleaded. Victoria’s mouth met my face and she started kissing away the tears.

“You will be someday,” Melly answered. “Just not with me.”

When I’d hung up the phone, I felt like a hole had been blasted in my heart. I really did love Melly, and I didn’t want her to give up on me so easily. I wanted her to give me another chance, but she’d met someone and it made me ache, wondering who he was and what he had that I didn’t, what he could offer that I couldn’t…

“There’s nothing you wouldn’t have given her,” whispered Victoria. She wrapped her arms around me softly and breathed deeply, pressing her face into my chest. “I’m still here, Nicky…” she said slowly, “And I’d never leave you like that.” She looked up into my eyes, “I’d take anything you gave me.”

“But you aren’t real,” I whispered sadly.

Victoria nodded, “Yes I am… I’m real to you… Isn’t that enough?”

“My heart hurts,” I said, not answering her question.

Victoria laid a hand over it. “That’s because it’s broken. I’d know the sounds your heart makes anywhere, Nicky…”

“It makes sounds?” I asked.

Victoria nodded, “Different ones – subtly different ones – with your mood and emotions…” She smiled, “My favorite is the way it sounds when you sing. It sounds so happy and free… like it could burst from joy…” Her fingernails traced a music note on my chest. “This one it’s doing now… this is the hardest one. This is the one that is usually what I heard when we were younger…”

“It is?” I asked.

She nodded. “You always came to visit me when you were scared or sad or lonely… I’ve dried so many of your tears…” She kissed my chin. “And every one of them was accompanied by this mournful heartbeat.” Victoria’s eyes met with mine. “I only want you to love me like you loved Melly, Nick,” she whispered.