He's really on my nerves right now, like seriously I could choke the kid and feel absolutely no remorse about it. We just crash-landed on a plane in the middle of God knows where, and all he can do is complain, take off his pants and run around with the llamas? I never realized until Kevin left what a full-time job it is being the oldest of the band, trying to keep the other knuckle heads (especially Nick) in line. They can be so incredibly immature, you'd think they were ten instead of over the age of thirty. I mean I can't turn my back for even a damn second or AJ's paying Nick fifty dollars to run stark naked around a field of llamas.
I really hope he falls down and gets llama dung stuck to his penis.
My name is Howie Dorough, and this is my story.
It took a lot of coaxing to get Brian to jump onto the slide and go down into the mud pit AJ and Nick were battling in. When I joined them, AJ had Nick pinned face-down in the mud and there was a lot of flailing of limbs. In retrospect, I should've let him suffocate the kid, it would've made my day a little easier. Instead, I snapped, "ALEX... Let Nick breathe."
AJ reluctantly let Nick up and Nick went into a full blown dramatic interpretation of what it was like to think you were gonna die in a pool of mud.
The field that we'd crash landed in was wide and seemed to go on forever and ever and ever. Away, far in the distance, I could make out the faint shadows of mountains. The other plane passengers were halfway across the field already - little dots ambling along among the sea of llamas that surrounded us.
The one llama that had mouth-raped AJ was standing there, chewing a mouthful of grass, watching us like we were on a boring TV show it was being made to suffer through. AJ and Nick's body prints were smeared throughout the mud all around it's feet. It suddenly pooped and these tiny little pellets fell out it's ass and into the mud... disappearing, not looking at all different than the mud itself. I looked down at the mud smeared all the hell over my shirt, then up at AJ and Nick, who had it in their hair, on their faces, completely coating them so they looked like they'd been tarred. Brian was watching the llama turd with horror too.
"Hey guys?" I said, as Nick lobbed a handful of mud at AJ's face.
"Sup?" AJ asked, ducking Nick's mud rocket.
I pointed at the poo still coming out of the llama.
Nick laughed, "He's takin' a dump, that looks funny." He paused, watching the poop land in the mud. I knew when he made the connection because he flew like a bat out of hell out of the cess pool and onto the grass and threw himself to the ground, rolling in the grass, trying to get the mud off.
AJ quickly joined him.
They were both yelling loudly, freaking out. Nick started scraping his face across the grass. "I have llama shit on me!" bellowed AJ, taking off his shirt and throwing it.
I rolled my eyes.
"GOOD IDEA!" Nick leaped up and started stripping too.
"Uhh Nick," Brian's voice was nervous as Nick's fingers flew to his fly and pulled his pants off. We both shielded our face quickly - Nick usually goes commando - and yelped. We heard the pants hit a rock as Nick threw them.
Nick whined. "AJ you put llama crap down my ass!"
"I didn't know it was llama craa--ah-ahhh-AH..." AJ's words turned into an exclamation of disgust, "What the fuck, Carter? Put your freaking pants on!"
Brian looked at me behind our shielding hands, "I was thinking the same thing."
"No way!" Nick cried out, "I'm not putting llama shit back on!"
"Nick you're fucking nude," AJ bellowed.
"I'm covering it..." Nick whined, "I don't wanna wear llama crap on my ass."
"Didn't you bring any extra clothes?" I asked.
Nick paused. "Oh shit I left my backpack on the plane."
Seeing my opportunity to get away from Nick's sudden exhibitionist tendencies, I quickly snagged it. "I'll go get it." I scrambled back toward the plane.
"Seriously man, be careful," I heard AJ warned as I climbed up the yellow slide thing to the emergency door on the plane's side that was now it's top... "Careful of the llama, that thing is sexually aggressive."
"What the fuck do you think it's gonna do?" Nick demanded, "Sit on me?"
"Really? Do we need a rated X conversation about the llama?" Brian complained.
"I'm just sayin' is all," AJ muttered, "Don't trust the llama any further than you could throw him."
"I wonder how far I could throw him?" Nick wondered. Then, with an air of excitement, "We should have a llama throwing contest!"
"It's not the damn Olympics," AJ snapped.
I lowered myself into the plane, rolling my eyes at my insane friends and made my way back to our seats and knelt down by the compartment our carry on bags were in. It was strange standing on the next compartment over and looking up at the aisle where Brian and Nick had been sitting just an hour or so before.
I struggled with the compartment and finally got it opened and pulled out Nick's dark green L.L. Bean backpack, which had his initials embroidered on it, like he was seven and going into first grade instead of thirty and going on tour.
After loading up with a bunch of our carry on bags, I meandered my way slowly across the seats and climbed back up to the emergency door and onto the wingless exterior of the plane.
When I did, I wished I hadn't.
Brian's laughter was the dangerous kind - the kind that Momma D always yelled at us kids to "calm down before someone gets hurt" over.
"What the hell is going on down there?" I called, tossing the luggage onto the slide.
"Nick's running around the llamas," AJ snorted as I jumped and landed onto the slide.
At the bottom, I hesitated. "He's what?" I asked, scared to have what I thought AJ just said confirmed. I mean, I probably was just hearing things - I was in the motion of getting down the slide when AJ had made the statement initially.
"He's running around - stark fucking naked - in a field full of llamas," AJ said slower as I came to a stop at the end of the slide, braking from going flying off the end like the first time by lodging my feet out into the sides of the slide.
I stood up and looked out into the field where AJ and Brian were looking.
Sure enough, Nick's head flew behind a well-placed llama, keeping his goods out of sight.
"Oh. My. God."
"Right?" AJ was almost purple from laughing, the veins in his forehead larger than life. "I wish I fucking had a video camera. Now here is a Nick's Corner the fans would pay for."
"Nude llama running?" I asked.
Brian choked on -- air? spit? -- and grabbed his knees.
"Hell yeah!" AJ said enthusiastically.
"And why - dare I ask - is Nick running naked among llamas?"
Nick's head was bobbling along as he ran, his junk flying everywhere, his hands above his head as he yelled, loudly, "I'M THE KING OF THE WOOOOORRRLDDD!!!!"
AJ held up a crisp fifty dollar bill.
"Are you kidding me?" I demanded, feeling my eyes widen, "He's running naked in a field of llamas in Peru for fifty dollars?!?" Brian literally dropped to the grass at this exclamation.
AJ smirked, "He's bought cheap."
I closed my eyes, counting down from ten.
"I'M THE LLAMA KING!!!!!" Nick was shouting.
I opened my eyes. Counting down had not made it stop.
"Nick," I called, tossing his green backpack onto the grass like a peace offering, "I got your bag, come put some clothes on before someone takes your picture like that."
"Don't tell him I had that plan," AJ bitched.
"Do not take a picture of Nick naked, AJ," I growled.
AJ laughed and dropped his camera into his bag. "Fuckin' kill joy..."
"NICK," I yelled, "CLOTHES, COME GET SOME."
"I feel so freee!" he called in response. "This is great, ya'll should try this too!!!!" I'd shielded my eyes as he'd started to come closer, when there was a sudden ka-thunk, an oooof!!! and a funny whinny-laughing sound from a llama.
"NICK," Brian, AJ and I all yelled at once, looking, despite his close proximity and therefore the detail we could see. Nick was seated on the ground, having run into the side of an obese llama. He'd landed on his ass in the grass beside the llama.
Nick sat quietly for a second. It was like that hush that falls over a room when a baby first falls down, and you're waiting with baited breath for the wail. Nick sat there a long, drawn out moment, and then - as though realizing what he was doing - yelled, "HOLY SHIT I'M NAKED IN A LLAMA FIELD!"
"....really? you just noticed?" Brian called.
Nick looked back at us. "I've gone insane."
"And here we thought I was the one that hit my head on the plane," AJ muttered.
Nick got up and dusted dirt off his butt cheeks, and grabbed his junk, cupping his hands across his front to conceal what he could, and walked sheepishly back towards us. He grabbed his backpack and quickly rummaged through it, seeking the change of clothes he'd packed.
The llama standing by the pool turned and looked at Nick. He chewed his cud.
"Where the hell--" Nick was mumbling.
"Uhhh.." Brian pointed at the llama, who was sneaking up behind Nick.
"Nick?" I called, just as the llama stuck its big wet nose on Nick's ass, goosing him.
"AHHHHHH!" Nick leaped, and fell to the ground, "WHAT THE HELL!?" he shrieked. He rolled and pulled the backpack close to him, his face alight with panic as the llama stood there looking at him with an expression that clearly said, what the hell is your problem?.
Brian, AJ, and I were on the verge of passing out from laughing.
Nick quickly pulled out his clothes and started to shimmy them onto his body. He glared at us, then turned his hate-stare onto the llama. "I fucking hate llamas," Nick complained. "They smell and they're rapists."
As Nick tugged on his t-shirt, AJ gasped out, "Nick.. Nick.. I didn't know llamas snorted crack did you??"
"Shut the fuck up," he pouted.
