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Chapter 14

Nick POV

I had been awake a few minutes when I felt the car roll to a stop. I had slept the majority of the way, but I still could feel the haze in my mind.

I’d had days like this quite regularly since Paige had died. I called them my no go days. The days where I would either lock myself in the studio or disappear down the beach.

I knew I was weirding Lindsay out. Maybe it was different now we were together. Usually I steered well clear and Lindsay seemed to understand that. Only now…things were different, and I was sure she was second guessing every move she made.

I felt her hand on my thigh and I turned to look at her.
“We’re here now. You want me to go in and get them?”
I shook my head. I was dying to see my kids. “We’ll both go in.”

I quickly unstrapped myself and climbed out the car as Dan opened the front door and waved. I put on my show smile and walked over, hugging the guy before walking inside. I couldn’t hear the kids, but I could see Mary sat out back. I’m sure Casey, Summer and Ebony were causing a whole load of trouble.

“They have been as good as gold Nick. It was lovely having them here. If you ever need a break, we’ll always have them.”

I smiled at Dan again and thanked him before walking out the back door.
Mary said hello to me but before I could reply a high pitched “Dadda” Came from across the garden and this time my smile was more than genuine as I saw my baby girl trying her best to run towards me.

“Princess!” I moved closer and scooped her up in my arms and breathed her in. She was clutching my t shirt in her hands and had her face squashed up into my chest. “Oh I’ve missed you baby girl.” I tickled her slightly, getting her insanely cute giggle back in return.

I was still crouched down on the floor and couldn’t help but smile more when Casey ran over and wrapped his arms around my neck from behind. I sat myself down on the ground and pulled him into my lap with Summer and hugged them both.
As much as I had enjoyed the break, I had no plans on leaving them with anyone else for a long time. I’d missed them like I’d miss a limb.

Casey was about to settle on my lap when his eyes locked on Lindsay making him fly off of my lap and run straight over to her. By the time he reached her he was crying and clinging to her as she picked him up and cuddled him close.

I had never seen him react like that before, but then she had never been away from them that long before either.

She whispered something to him before she cuddled him again and glanced over at me, but when she noticed me looking at her she whispered something to Casey again before she put him down and he came walking over to me again.

“I’ll get their things for you and put it all in the car. Take your time.” she smiled slightly at me before she turned and went into the house.

I had definitely hurt her by how I had behaved that day. She looked scared to have Casey chasing right into her arms instead of staying with me, and I didn’t want her to feel that way.

It took us an hour to get both kids in the car and gather both of their things. I had no idea I had packed so much until I got it all back loaded in bags instead of the suitcase I had packed for them mainly because it was all dirty now, and they hadn’t had the chance to wash it.

Lindsay climbed into the passenger seat and excused herself saying she was tired, but I knew it was to avoid an embarrassing silence on the way home.

The thirty minutes it took to get home seemed like two hours with both kids whining in the back seat. I had almost forgotten what it was like to have two tired kids in a car, but as soon as I let them out of the car back home they seemed happy and were running around the front lawn within seconds of being let out.

I grabbed their stuff and threw it into the hall before I turned to Lindsay who was moving her bag into her car which had been parked outside while we were gone.

“Do you need any help tonight? I just need to get some clothes at Andy’s and check into a hotel, but that shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours. I can do the laundry for you when I’m done if you want?” she smiled, but the smile never reached her eyes as she slid her arms around my waist and hesitated before she kissed the side of my face instead of my lips.

“Stay tonight? Casey and Summer missed you and… I owe you. I can sort dinner out whilst you go to Andy’s if you want?” I smiled at her and pulled her closer, hoping she would give in. Seeing the kids had definitely brightened my mood up, even though I did still feel hazy and closed off. I didn’t want to drive Lindsay away.

“Well of course I want too. But do you?” She spoke softly but moved her arms around my waist anyways.
“I do. We can talk once the kids are in bed if you want. I’m sorry if I’ve been quiet though.” I rest my forehead on hers and smiled softly when she gave me a smile back.

“Ok. But don’t cook. Order in, or warm up that lasagne I put in the freezer last week.”
I nodded before leaning down and kissing her softly. “Ok.”

I held her close for a few minutes, both of us more than comfortable holding each other. I was aware of small footsteps running towards us and glanced down when I saw Summer hug around Lindsay’s leg.

“Momma up!”

I felt Lindsay freeze up right away and she tried to pull away but I held her closer. Summer was stomping her little feet as she pulled on Lindsay’s jeans.

“Mommaaaaa!!”

“Nick..” I heard Lindsay’s voice all shaky and it made me kiss her.
“Pick her up baby. It’s ok.” I smiled at her before moving back and bending down, picking Summer up but she just kicked her legs at me as she reached for Lindsay.
“..ant momma!”

Lindsay took her and instantly Summer grinned and clung to her.
Lindsay looked about ready to cry. I knew it was because she felt bad for my kids calling her mommy. Casey had done it a few times but quickly got over it when we started showing him a lot of pictures and videos of Paige, but Summer…well she was still too young and I guess since she had been around Ebony, who was only a month older and obviously had a mom, she had learnt the word and put two and two together when she saw Lindsay.

And even though Lindsay wouldn’t admit it, she had been their mom for the past year or so. There was no denying it.
And I was so grateful that I couldn’t tell Summer otherwise. She would never know what it was like to have Paige as a mom, and even though I wished Paige was here, I wished Lindsay was their mom too.

“I’m gonna throw everything into the laundry room… Casey..come on buddy.” I called out for Casey who was busy looking at a bug on the ground.

Lindsay went to put Summer down but she clung to her and whined the second Lindsay leant forward. It made me smile. It was just the way Casey had been with Paige his first year.

“Aunt Lindsay has to go get some things sweetie. Then I’ll be back. Go help daddy.” Lindsay smiled at her although I could see that it was a strained smile from correcting Summer on what she had just called her. I felt bad knowing Lindsay was second guessing things because of me.

I knew she wanted to be their mom, but our relationship had to be serious first didn’t it? If they started calling her mom and she lived somewhere else then that would be weird and leave them both confused.

“Nooooo Mommy! Ummer tay!” Summer cried out and gripped at Lindsay. I turned around hearing Summer’s protests and smiled.
“Take her with you if you want. She wants to stay with you.” I picked Casey up and threw him over my shoulder, making him laugh.

“She should be with you though. You’ve missed them.” Lindsay walked over to me but I just shook my head.
“Baby, it’s not me she wants. It’s fine. Your only going to Andy’s to get clothes, and in the mean time me and Casey can sort dinner and have man time, right buddy?” I tickled him, receiving laughter in return making me smile. I looked back at Lindsay seeing her look nervous.

“It’s ok Linds, really.” I gave her a somewhat stern look, hoping she knew exactly what I meant by that before smiling. “I love you. Now go, so you can hurry back. Otherwise me and Casey might end up burning the house down.” I stuck my tongue out at her and grinned, hoping to get a positive reaction back.

“Uhm ok, but I’ll hurry. …you want to come with aunt Lindsay?” she asked Summer who gave her a confused look until Lindsay continued telling her where they were going which made her nod and grin up at her.

I definitely had to sort something out tonight. Lindsay was trying so hard to not have the kids call her mommy and I knew that was because of me.

“Could you air out the guest room so I don’t have to sleep in the bad air that’s probably in there?” she smiled at me now as she put Summer in her car strapping her in.

I frowned for a second wondering why she’d be sleeping in the guest room, but then realized I had been the one requesting that.

“Sure…” I mumbled almost hating myself for making Lindsay hurt not even a week after we had gotten back together. She was doing everything right and considering me first like she always did, without as much as thinking about herself, and I was giving her a cold shoulder like some loser.

“Thanks. I changed the bed before I left so no need to worry about that. I’ll be looking for a place tomorrow so hopefully I’ll have something at the end of the week. I’m taking the first thing available.” she laughed nervously and smiled but I was unable to smile back.

As much as I wanted to take things slow, I couldn’t help think we were going about it all the wrong way. She had practically lived here since Paige had died. Always shared my bed with me and there was never any questions about sleeping arrangements or the fact she stayed here. Yet now we were together that’s all there way.

I was going to change that.

Tonight.

***

Once the kids were in bed and settled I shut their doors and made my way back downstairs.

Lindsay had been busy cleaning up after the kids when I took them up, but now all the lights were out apart from the kitchen. I walked in to find her rinsing out Summer’s beaker at the kitchen sink.

“Both are settled. You don’t need to do that.” I reached around her and turned the water off before taking the beaker and putting it in the sink.

“Sorry. Just thought I might as well. I’m feeling a bit tired so I might go up and read or something before sleeping.”
I shook my head but let her dry her hands and walk upstairs.

I followed her, already seeing she had locked up and turned the alarm on. She opened the guest room door as I reached the top of the stairs. I opted to wait at the top, knowing she would be out in 5, 4, 3..

“Nick, how come you didn’t air the room out? It’s so warm and icky. Ugh.” She walked out looking irritated and all I could do is smile.

“Because I didn’t want to.” I answered and looked at her. She looked pissed. It was so cute.

“Gee thanks. Now I gotta sleep with the windows wide open and pray I don’t get bitten to death.” She sighed before walking back inside and muttering to herself.

I chuckled and followed her inside, grabbed her hand and pulled her out, turning the light out and pulling her towards my room. She didn’t put up a fight, but did ask me what the fuck I was doing as I did so.

“Sit down on the bed.” I smiled at her before walking her over to the bed and making her sit down.
She looked utterly confused. I quickly joined her on the bed and pulled her closer.

“So I need to apologize for a few things. One, for being so cold and a total bastard earlier. I didn’t mean to. I was feeling rather shitty and usually I’d go to the beach or lock myself in the studio but neither of them were an option. Two, If I’ve made you feel uncomfortable or upset in anyway today, whether it be because I was moody, or because Summer called you Mommy, which, by the way I’m not apologising for. I’ll explain in a bit. I know I’ve upset you, and I hate that I have, so I’m sorry. I hate seeing you all sad. And Three, I’m sorry for coming up with that damn going slow thing. I don’t want you to think that you have to sleep in the shitty guest room just because I want us to go slow. This should be about you too. The past few nights have been so hard, purely because I’m right next to you yet I feel stupid for not touching you or making you mine. I don’t know who I’m trying to fool in this going slow shit. We’ve been together, we’ve had a relationship and this…it isn’t new. It’s us. Me and you. We don’t go slow or date or whatever. We love each other. I love you. I just don’t want to lose you and get hurt all over again. You healed me. If I lose you, who would heal me again?”

Lindsay was looking up at me in complete shock but tried to hold me. I stopped her and smiled.

“Let me finish, then you can jump all over me.” I chuckled as she smiled and blushed softly.
“As for Summer calling you Mommy. I wasn’t mad. I don’t want you to think I would ever be mad about that. I loved it. You may have not given birth to her, but you’re her mom. You raised her. You change her diaper butt, hug her when she’s grumpy, tell her off when she’s naughty, kiss her boo boo better when she’s hurting. You get her up, put her to bed, you dress her, you mother her. She looked up to you. And Casey. God look at how he flew at you earlier. He loves you so much. Only difference between him and Summer is he knows your not mommy, but you mother him too. He loves you so much, they both do. And knowing how much they love you only makes me love you all that much more because you dropped everything for us. You didn’t have to. You could have told me to man up and deal with things but you didn’t. You came here and did exactly what we needed.” I felt myself get emotional and my bottom lip wobbled but I took a deep breath and carried on.

“None of my family bothered apart from Aaron and my dad. But even they couldn’t help me how you have. I went from thinking life would be shit forever to seeing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can talk about Paige without crying and I can share all that with you even now and you don’t get mad because you understand. You never tiptoed around me. People still do and I wish they hadn’t, because I’m fine. And It’s because of you. I don’t want you to feel awkward if Casey and Summer call you mommy. If it does, then I’ll tell them not to, but I know deep down you love it. You already see them like your own. And I think Paige would want it like that too. I know she trusts you with them. She wouldn’t have told us to be together if she didn’t.” I took Lindsay’s hands and squeezed them tightly.

She looked shocked yet confused all at the same time before she looked down and I could see her getting upset.
“I’m not their mom. I never will be. And today…I’ve been so scared. You’ve ignored me all day, and I don’t want that. How do I know you won’t change your mind tomorrow? After last night you completely changed on me. After we..got too close you acted as if you didn’t want me around. What changed since we got home? It’s not like I did anything. I don’t want you to get into a relationship with me unless you know you really want to. I went to my parents to ask for money because I need somewhere to live. You have no idea how hard that was. I’ll only confuse them more when I find my own place and I’m not around much. I need to find a job Nick meaning I’ll be working 8 hours a day or more. I’ll see you guys in the afternoon’s but that’s probably about it. I hope I can get a place close enough so it wont be a long drive, but there’s no guarantee. Having them calling me mom won’t be right when I’ll only be here a few hours a day. I’m scared Nick… because we’ve been around each other all day with both kids, and got close again. Hardly ever seeing each other is gonna be hard. If this is going to work I need to know you want this. Really want this. And I’m not saying this to stay here because I won’t do that. But prepare for the kids to react when I’m hardly ever around. That’s why it’s wrong of them to call me mom. I’m Aunt Lindsay… who hopefully will be dating their father if he is prepared for how hard this will be. A complete change for all of us.. Don’t get me wrong.. I love you so much and I’m so scared you’re gonna leave and not want me after I’ve said this. Are we going to work even though we won’t see each other much?” she looked at me with watery eyes as her hands clutched mine tightly.

“Babe, did you not hear anything that I just said?” I looked at her, feeling frustration run through my veins. It’s like she didn’t hear a single thing I had said to her. It was like a kick in the teeth. I’d poured out everything I had wanted to say and she… she hadn’t heard. She hadn’t listened.

“I did Nick.”

I shook my head. “No you didn’t. Because everything you just said… it’s like you just ignored me when I spoke.”
I let go of her hands and moved mine through my hair. My heart was pounding. I wanted to scream.

“Unless you heard and want to go slow. But I know you don’t, so why are you planning things around going slow when I just told you I want to forget about that? I so agree we shouldn’t live together just yet. And as for the mommy thing, did you not see how confused Summer looked when you referred to yourself as Auntie Lindsay? But fine. I’ll sit down and talk to her and hope she understands. I know I was moody today. And I apologised for that but I had my reasons.” I stood up. The more I spoke the more I felt myself feel sick with hurt. I walked over to the window and pushed it open before breathing in the fresh air, desperate for it to push the hurt away.

“No I heard what you said but I’m scared. You’ve been so sure on wanting to take things slow, and that’s not only about sex. You have to hear me out as well. I love those kids more than anything, but I guess what I’m trying to say is.. We will only confuse them by me moving out, and hardly being here. They won’t understand that you know. Summer see’s me as her mom, and she’s used to having me around and lets face it. We shared a bed almost every night the past year. She’s used to getting up in the morning and seeing us together. She might not have seen us be intimate, but little kids don’t understand that. It’s not that I don’t want either of them to see me as their mother, but I’m scared their gonna be confused when I move out and stay somewhere else. But I have to, and I don’t know how we’re gonna explain that to them.” She had moved up behind me and slid her arms around my waist hugging herself against my back.

“I love you… so much. I’m just nervous and scared. Scared I’ll do something wrong, and scared I won’t be what you want. And…I’m scared if we move past being friends and making out that things will change in a bad way. That you won’t want me anymore. I know you’ve said sorry, and I forgive you just today with how you were.. It really scared me. I honestly thought you regretted it all and I keep thinking what if you do? Leaving you the last time was so hard. I can’t do that again. I never got over you…” she sighed as she moved her hands along my stomach after having moved them under my shirt.

“Buying a house means months of just getting sorted out…Probably a year to feel at home… and proper settled. That scares me.” she sighed and I felt horrible. Again I had let my selfish immature self get the better of me without hearing what she wanted to say first.

“So what do we do then? I mean we have to work this out some how otherwise this will never work at all. Your scared and I’m scared. We’re pretty much scared over the same stuff. Are you wishing we’d never gone past what we had before?” I turned to look at her as she shook her head.

“No, not at all. We just need to sort some things out.”
I sighed. “How? I can’t help but feel like this is all going bad. Last night was perfect. Sure we didn’t go all the way but just laying there, enjoying each other and talking. That wasn’t so hard. It was perfect in every way. I know I fucked things up today. It’s more than likely my down mood that got us like this. Maybe you should sleep in the guest room if I make things like this. I can’t help it though. Ever since Paige…. Well I have these days. I’m sorry. Sorry I’m such a fuck up for you. You probably should have stayed with Andy. I just ask too much from you and you don’t deserve that.” I looked down and sighed, feeling horrible about everything. Crawling into bed and going to sleep was so inviting at that moment. I knew I’d messed everything up for me and Lindsay today.

I moved over to the bed and laid on it, rolling onto my side and sighed softly. “I’m sorry.” I whispered before biting my lip. I could hear her moving round the room and knew she was going to leave. I’d ruined it all.

“Don’t talk about yourself like that. I was only ever with Andy to try and forget about you, but it never worked did it? You don’t even know how many times Paige asked me if I was ok because I used to sit and stare at you wishing I was with you. Just she was ok with that. She knew how I felt. She even said I could stay here with you for a night if I wanted but I was too scared to ask you for that and too worried I’d hurt Andy. We have to be able to talk this through without feeling sorry for ourselves or getting stroppy. Yeah you did hurt me today, but if you had explained why you were like that when I asked it would have been easier. I probably should have put two and two together, but I honestly didn’t think about it. I’ve been too happy about being with you to think about the bad things.” I felt the bed move next to me and looked up seeing her moving close to me before she snuggled against me.

“I only want you Nick. The last few days have been so perfect that I hadn’t been thinking about the bad things. That’s why I didn’t think when you were off today. I only thought that you were mad at me or second guessing us. I was so scared I would end up loosing my baby again. How are we going to do this baby? I’m dreading sleeping away from you every day of the week, and never seeing you or the kids. It’s gonna be so hard. I miss them and their only in bed..” she blushed before moving herself completely against my body like she always did.

“You didn’t want to get closer. I said we could but you just brushed it off. And who says you never have to see us. Sleepovers are allowed, at both places. There are ways of going round this you know. And you don’t have to work every hour of the day. I’m not letting you work all the time only to be paid next to nothing. Why don’t you do something you want to do for a change, instead of doing it just because you think you have to.” I looked at her, dead serious.
There were so many options. Yes she definitely had to get her own place, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t see each other. I’d thought of it all, but clearly Lindsay had only thought of the bad things. Probably my fault as well.
I held her close and sighed.

“Of course I want to get closer, and I know we can stay over at each others places but the nights we don’t I’m gonna miss you so much. I’m so used to being able to wake up before you and watch you because it’s the only time I could proper look at you without blushing. And first of all I’ll just need to find something that pays before I can look into what I want. Not everyone’s dreams are easy to chase you know and I’ll need to pay my bills when they arrive. I don’t want to dip into all of my savings. I’ll need something in the future too.” she smiled at me, and I knew I was too used to having no financial issues what so ever yet she knew what broke was like. I had been too young when my parents were struggling to even remember much.

“But you don’t have to work your ass off, and never see us..” I trailed off which made her smile.
“That came from the right person baby. You should know that to make it in this country and manage bills you have to work full time and more if you’re single. I might not be single…” she blushed slightly and smiled. “…But I’ll be living on a single income, and that’s not much in this area. I just wanted to know how we’re gonna do it because I’m scared I’ll lose you again. I’ve wanted this.. Us .. For so long.” she sighed and clutched my t shirt only to pull me closer.

“Not everyone can go out and get their dreams fulfilled. Some of us is too scared to do it and need to settle for other somewhat ok dreams instead. Like keeping the man I love and his gorgeous little kids.”

“So get a part time job, I’ll help with some expenses and we can spend more time together. What do you want in life besides me, the kids and a family? What kind of career? Because I know you ditched being a doctor cos of Paige and everything. I don’t want you working in some dead beat job trying to make ends meet. I know what your like. Your not made for anything like that.” I gasped as I realised something and couldn’t help but grin.

Lindsay looked up at me with a frown. I knew the answer.

“Unless…. You release our song with me. The royalties for that will definitely help you, and then you wont have to work all hours of the day and we can be together.” I was still grinning even though I had a feeling Lindsay would not agree.

“That would mean more time with you…” she trailed off. I chuckled knowing she was just teasing me, but I found it cute either way.
“And hopefully it could mean I wouldn’t have to work, and you’d see that living separately is only a waste of travel time when I could be sleeping in this bed with you every night instead. Because you know… living apart will mean I’ll go to bed wishing I had you close to me when you’re not there… What do I get out of it if I do it?” she smirked at me and I couldn’t help but smirk back.

“Well, your work space would be this house. You’d get all the time in the world with me, and I’d get my way….but stop teasing…” I smiled feeling her hands moving under my shirt.

“I’ll do it. But then we’re taking things as it goes and not planning anything.. Deal?” she looked at me in a serious way that she had never done before making me gasp.

“Are you yanking my chain or being serious? Because I’m deadly serious. I’ve only been begging you to release that song for nearly two years, and if your serious we have to call Brian straight away!” I felt myself get excited and willed myself to calm down in case she was just joking.

“I’m serious. Yea the whole thought scares the shit out of me, but I’ll do it because it means spending more time with you, and…well I’ll be doing it for Paige too.” She moved her hand under my t shirt more as I rolled on top of her and kissed her.

I didn’t care if we had just been in the middle of a serious discussion, or that only moments before I had been sulking. She had just made me one of the happiest guys alive.

And we were both doing it for Paige as well as ourselves.