Brian’s “good-idea-for-Claire’s-tons-of-fun-summer” turned out to be fairly easy to convince all parents involved of. They thought it would be good for Brian and Claire to spend time together now that they knew they were siblings.
And that’s how Claire found herself on a tour bus in the middle of Wisconsin. In June.
Aj, one of Brian’s bandmates, was watching Claire closely again. Or maybe ‘staring at’ was a better phrase to use. Claire had noticed him doing so and had begun teasing him that she was writing juicy stories about him so she could sell them to the highest bidder when their band hit the uber-fame they were hurtling toward.
“You’d better not be Claire,” he whined. At eighteen Aj sometimes whined worse that sixteen year old Nick.
“What’s it to you if I AM Alexander?” Claire goaded. She’d found out soon after the tour began that Aj didn’t like being called by his first name which was Alexander. Claire had called him nothing else since that tidbit of info had landed on her ears.
“I told you to STOP calling me that Clarice.”
Claire hated her first name and Aj knew it. “Shut up Alexander.”
“BRIAN! She’s doing it again!” he shouted.
Brian walked forward, coming from the back of the bus. “Don’t make me separate the two of you,” he warned.
“All I was doing was sitting here writing. Aj asked me what I was doing so I told him. It’s not my fault if he didn’t like my answer,” Claire told her brother.
“She’s driving me insane Rok. Why’d you have to bring her? Why?” Aj fell dramatically into the couch cushions, earning a giggle from Claire.
Aj cracked a smile at the sound of the giggle.
Brian rolled his eyes. “Can you two behave for ten more minutes? I’m trying to write a letter.”
Claire and Aj nodded, both having no intention whatsoever of behaving.
Brian, sensing this, said, “At least be quiet if you kill one another.”
As he retreated to the back of the bus once more, both Claire and Aj called out, “Tell Leighanne HI!!” and broke out into a fit of giggles.
After a few minutes, Claire picked up her pen and put it back to paper.
“What are you really writing?” Aj asked quietly.
“An essay.”
“An essay?” he questioned.
“Yes. An essay. My creative writing teacher for junior year assigned it before the school year we just finished ended,” Claire explained.
“So you’re doing homework?”
“Yes.”
“You’re on summer break, on tour with the Backstreet Boys and you’re doing homework?”
“Yes,” Claire repeated.
“BRIAN!” Aj shouted at full volume. “YOUR SISTER IS BEYOND INSANE!!”
*~*~*~*~*~*
Daytime didn’t much bother Claire.; there was always something to do. Whether it be annoy the hell out of Aj, read, work on the essays or watch the scenery go by, she was always doing something.
Nighttime was when it really go to her. She was still having issues with the bombshell that had been dropped on her and Brian not to long ago. Sure, she put on a happy face and acted like nothing was wrong but deep down, the whole thing had her feeling out of sorts.
Claire didn’t like the feeling; she hated when it felt like everything was beyond her control. There had to be something she could control. She’d been thinking about anorexia. Well, not actually becoming anorexic, but the throwing up part. However, Claire didn’t like the sensations that throwing up caused and knowing that she had willingly made herself do so didn’t seem like much fun. Besides, she loved food. Especially when she was eating it.
The thing she had settled on doing was something Claire had sworn to NEVER do. She had a friend in Lexington who did it. And that friend had confessed that she would never stop, no matter how much Claire begged her to.
She didn’t relish the thought of pain but her friend had assured her that the pain didn’t last long.
Claire climbed down from her bunk (why Brian got the actual bed she’d never understand. Shouldn’t she Claire, as the only girl, get the bed?) and crept silently to the bathroom.
She bent and reached under the sink for the box of tampons she had there. Claire believed this was the prefect hiding spot because the guys wouldn’t touch them.
She pulled out the razor blade she’d hidden a few days previously and set it on the side of the sink. Claire then turned to make sure there was a towel nearby; she didn’t want to get blood everywhere.
Claire braced herself against the sink and took a few deep breaths. Then she picked up the razor blade and rinsed it under the hottest water she could stand.
Claire press the blade to the skin of her left wrist and quickly dragged it across.
She whimpered a bit when she bent her head to inspect the cut. It was kinda deep but not enough to where she would have to confess and go to the hospital for stitches.
Claire rinsed the blade once again and transferred it to her left hand. She placed it against her right wrist.
She had barely begun to drag the blade across her wrist when the door flung open.
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” Aj half yelled, half whispered.
Claire looked him in the face and then down at her wrists. She flung the blade as far away from herself as she could in the small bathroom and burst into tears.
Aj made her sit down on the closed lid of the toilet and grabbed a towel. He wrapped it around both of her wrists and held it tightly in place.
Claire just cried. After a few minutes, Aj gently unwrapped the towel from her wrists.
“Oh thank goodness,” he breathed, sounding relieved when he saw that the bleeding had stopped.
Claire didn’t stop to think twice about what she did next and threw her arms around Aj’s neck. She buried her face into his shoulder and cried harder.
He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. She liked the feeling his arms around her gave her; it made her feel…safe.
“Honey,” he whispered in her ear. “What happened to you? What made you do this? And why didn’t you talk to someone?”
It was a few minutes before Claire had calmed down enough to answer.
“Please don’t tell my brother,” was the first thing she said. “He’ll make me go home and it’ll be ten times worse there.”
Aj squeezed her tight again and then asked, “Why?”
“Because my parents are there. And they aren’t there. What did Brian and Kevin tell you guys about me anyway?”
Claire sat back, removing her head and arms from Aj. She moved her arms to her waist and squeezed herself tightly, as if she were trying to keep from falling apart.
“Not much,” he replied, sitting against the shower door. “Just that you were Brian’s baby sister and that it was a long story and not to ask you about it.”
“Do you want to hear the story?” Claire asked him.
“If it will help me understand why you just cut, then yes.”
“I was born January 29th, 1980. The day before, Brian had fallen off his bike and hit his head. Our mom was eight and a half months pregnant at the time,” jumping right into the story was a good idea. It would help her get it all out before she had time to stop and think about it. “the night Brian got hurt, the doctors told our parents that they needed to prepare themselves for the worst because they didn’t think he’d make it,” she shuddered. “The stress of possibly having to bury her almost five year old son was a bit too much and mom went into labor. I was a bit early but otherwise I was perfect. They tried to keep me at home. But the stress of taking care of a newborn, Harold and having a son in the hospital was just too much. So my mom asked her sister Lena and her husband to look after me, just until things with Brian settled down. Brian got better and was finally able to go home. I was already five months old. I was well adjusted where I was. For some reason, my being well adjusted translated into my being left at Aunt Lena’s with her as my mother and Uncle Mark as my dad. No one breathed a word about this to anyone, to me or to Brian until the February of this year. And they only told us because Uncle Mark and Aunt Lena were moving to Texas and mom and dad wanted me to stay in Lexington. All of my life I was lied to…” she broke off, unsure of how to continue.
Aj got up and hugged Claire once more. “Sweetheart, I’m sorry,” he paused too. “But still, it doesn’t explain-”
“My cutting?” she finished for him. He nodded. “I k now it doesn’t. I’m still having a hard time understanding why they did that to us. I mean, I love that Brian’s my big brother, but I’m still having a hard time with it. I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately because of it. It just feels like everything’s out of my control and I don’t like that. It’s my life and I should be in control. I NEEDED there to be something that I could take control of, and since I don’t like throwing up, cutting seemed like a good idea.”
“Claire,” Aj said, sounding a bit angry. “Cutting is NEVER a good idea. NEVER.”
“I know,” she said, as tears began falling once again. “It’s not like I actually PLANNED on ever becoming a cutter.”
Quite seriously he took her face in his hands and said, “I’m not going to tell your brother, even though I should, but you have to promise me something.”
Claire nodded in acceptance.
“You have to promise that next time you feel this way, like you’re not in control, you’ll come talk to me. I don’t care if it’s three am and I’m sleeping. WAKE ME UP. Just talk to me. I don’t want you hurting yourself again,” he leaned his forehead against hers. “And to make sure you DON’T cut again, you have to show me your arms before you go to bed every night from now to the end of tour. Because if you don’t or if I see a fresh cut, I WILL tell Brian.”
“I promise. I promise both things.”
Claire was glad Aj had caught her before the cutting had become out of control, the way it was with her friend; she was glad he cared enough.
Chapter End Notes:
I don't pretend to know what cutting is like because I don't. The one time a friend of mine did it, I threatened to hit her if she ever did it again, so far, she hasn't.
