I was drunk. Not just drunk. Da-runk. I don't even know how the flying shit Sam hell I finished the concert. All I know is that I had to piss like a racehorse when it was finally over. I didn't even make it to the bathroom; I dropped trow next to a potted plant and reduced it's life span by a good year.
"I can't believe you," Bri said. "You lose my son and you get s-h-i-t faced all in one day? What's wrong with you?"
"Love," I said. "It's a major pain in the ass."
"Who are you in love with now? The Wendy's restaurant girl?"
"Maybe he'll hump his computer again," AJ said dryly. I think he was aiming to lighten the situation; it wasn't working. I turned on him like a rabid jackrabbit. We were both down on the ground in seconds.
"Shit! Damn! Fuck!" AJ yelped. Howie pulled me off of him.
"Shower. Bus. NOW. Don't talk to each other. Don't look at each other," Howie instructed.
I scrambled to my feet. I marched off only to bump right into a wall.
"Who put the damn wall here?!" I bellowed.
I heard Leighanne bitchin' to Brian again about the amount of language being used. I seriously turned, flipped her the bird, and headed into the showers.
By the time I got on the bus, I was only buzzed. That pissed me off. I tore D's bed apart looking for some more tequila, but there wasn't any. Instead, I stole a cigarette from AJ's pack, sprawled on the couch, and lit up.
"Thank God Leigh's on her way to the airport," Howie barked. He waved his hand in the air. "You know our rule about smoking on the bus."
I glanced at Howie; there seemed to be two of him.
"Y'know what? Fuck off," I scowled. I inhaled the noxious fumes and blew in his direction.
"Who said you could have one of my cigs?" AJ growled.
D looked between the two of us. He threw his hands up in the air.
"Y'know what. I'm done. I'm tired. Tear each other apart. I'm sick of it. Tell me who's left standing. Maybe tomorrow I'll actually give a damn." J and I both looked at D in surprise. I wasn't surprised he was tired; D could fall asleep anywhere. I was just surprised he wasn't pulling rank again. He headed towards the back of the bus.
J shrugged and lit up. We sat in smoky silence. After a half hour, the bus started moving. We were headed to Kentucky. Or New Jersey. I couldn't remember anymore. Different city, same routine.
"Which band is she following?" I finally asked.
"I don't know; she didn't say."
I grunted. I was down to the filter on my cigarette. I leaned over and squished the tip out on the corner of a plate. As I did so, there was a huge 'BOOM!' and the bus seemed to lose control.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed. My body connected with AJ's for a second before I was tossed into oblivion. I hit the wall hard and slid down it. I heard Howie cussing in Spanish.
I was sure we were dead. The bus was going to tip over and we were going to be nothing but pancaked Backstreet Boys. I didn't quit screaming for a long time. When the bus ceased to move I stopped.
We weren't dead. At least I didn't think we were dead. The lights had gone out but it wasn't totally dark outside. I looked around.
Howie had made it into the living area. AJ was clinging to his cigarettes. He yanked out another one and lit up.
I had to pee again.
"You guys okay?" Howie asked. He stood up and looked around. Everything that hadn't been bolted down was all over the floor.
"What the fuck happened?" AJ asked. His hand shook as he inhaled.
"I dunno," D said. He headed to the doors, hit them open and headed down.
I went to the bathroom. If I was alive, I had to take care of business, right?
D was back in the living quarters when I walked back down the hall.
"Flat tire," he announced. "We must have gotten it in Indy but it finally just blew."
"Where are we?" I asked.
D shrugged. "Damn if I know. All I see is corn. How can people eat this much corn?"
"I like corn," I said defensively.
"Corn on the cob gets stuck in my damn teeth," J added.
"I don't want to talk about corn!" Howie yelled.
We got quiet.
"What do you want to talk about?" I asked.
D sat down. I did too. We glanced at the mess but he didn't bring it up and I wasn't about to.
"Let's talk about how you guys have been acting lately," Howie said. I rolled my eyes. He was pulling his Dr. Phil shit again.
"I'm not talking unless there's liquor," I said.
"I won't talk unless you let me keep smoking," J said. He held up his cigarette.
D gave us both a look. He got up and I thought he was giving up on us, but surprisingly he brought another bottle of tequila out. He set it down on the floor and got two cups.
"You want to drink? Fine. I'll join you. You want to smoke? Fine."
I couldn't believe it. D poured me a glass and handed it to me. He took a swig out of the bottle before pouring a glass.
"Now start talking," he said.
I glanced at J. He leaned forward.
"I've got the hots for Dee," he blurted.
"I'm in love with Ju--Lauren," I said.
"Wait. Isn't this about Rhoda?" Howie asked in confusion.
"No," J and I said in unison.
Howie took another swig right from the bottle.
"I can't help it she's hot... I reallyreallyre allyreally really like her," Nick's voice was slurring, the words running together like blurry images.
"I like her too," Howie grinned.
"Yeah. She's sexy, huh?"
"Mmm..." D mused.
"That wavy hair... and sexy lil button nose..." Nick hummed dreamily.
Howie nodded. "I'd do her."
Nick's eyes were half closed. "I bet she smells like coffee and... and... what's that spicy shit they put on eggnog?" he looked at me.
"Uh... nutmeg?" The nubbins of my cigs lay in the plate Nick had contaminated. Shit lay all over the floor in a pool around us. The bus looked like hell had broken loose. Nick and Howie, however, were more messed up than the bus. They were about one shot each from cleaning the tequila bottle dry and Nick was getting dizzy and couldn't seem to keep his torso upright without tipping to one side. Howie, who handled alcohol much better than Nick or I combined, was even starting to look a little furry around the edges. He was leaned back, holding his little shot glass in his palm, studying it. He'd been upholding half a conversation about the hotness of various fast food chain logos with Nick for the last twenty minutes while I chain smoked. They'd arrived at the Starbucks logo after covering Wendy, the Raisin girl, the Banana girl, Ronald McDonald, the BK King and even Geoffery the Giraffe.
"I fucking love that mermaid goddess," Nick whispered sleepily.
I looked from one to the other. "You guys are fucked," I said, laughing. Was I seriously this pathetic once? I wondered.
Nick grinned cheesy. "I jacked off at Starbucks once in the bathroom," he offered.
Even Howie looked disturbed by this.
"Okay, I think that's enough sharing," I said, stabbing out my last cigarette as it reached the filter. I stood up. "I think it's bed time for Nick."
Howie nodded, "And Howie."
"And Howie."
"I don't wanna go to bed," Nick muttered, leaning back onto the couch.
"Sorry, bro," I said.
"I don't wanna go to bed unless it's with Ju-Lauren," he corrected himself. He stared up at me with sad eyes. "J... will you call her?" he begged.
I sighed. "C'mon." I grabbed Nick's hand and pulled, but I couldn't budge him. He got up himself. I directed him to his bunk. He crawled in and laid his head on the pillow. "Get some sleep, dude, I'll leave the Advil in the bathroom." I started to pull his curtain shut, but he grabbed my hand, stopping me.
Nick's eyes were pleading. "Why doesn't she love me?"
"Because you didn't know her name."
Nick stared at me. "Oh what's in a name..." he muttered.
"Go to sleep."
He sighed. "I'm such a fuck up, J."
"I know you are," I answered. I tried to pull the curtain shut again.
"Hey AJ?" Nick asked.
"What?"
He studied me. "You should pork Dee."
"You're so poetic," I said.
Nick shrugged. "You should."
"I don't wanna pork Dee," I said, "I... I dunno. It's not about sex for once."
Nick stared at me. His eyes were blurry. "Do you think she'll come back?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Maybe she's not worth it if she doesn't."
Nick nodded. "Maybe."
I paused. "Or maybe you should go after her."
Nick's eyes opened a lil bit, then closed. "Mmm.. go after her..." he murmured, "Lauren's sexy..." he was falling asleep. I started pulling the curtain shut. "Lauren's sexier then the mermaid goddess..." he whispered groggily as the curtain closed.
When I got back to the living area, Howie was asleep, his mouth wide open. I took the shot glass out of his hand and the tipped over tequila bottle, which had leaked what little bit was left onto the carpet. I tossed a couple napkins over the puddle it had created and up-righted a small goldfish bowl Nick had sitting on a shelf. Luckily, it had a closed lid and the fish hadn't escaped, nor had its water spilled - much, anyway.
I was halfway through picking up our shit that had flown all over the place when Bill, our driver, came up behind me, "Just lettin' you know we fixed the tire and should be on our way in a couple minutes. Everything going okay back here?" he looked at Howie's sleeping form.
"Yeah we're good," I answered.
Within fifteen minutes, the bus was moving again, and I found myself laying in my bunk, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about Dee. So much had changed in so little time, it was incredible.
