AJ had me by the back of the shirt and even though he was smaller than me, he was doing a pretty good job of dragging me out of the bus. My feet flopped around like fish on land; I think AJ purposely caused my shin to ram into the bus steps. He dropped me once we were on the hard blacktop of the parking lot.
And he kicked me. Holding my side, I scrambled up to my feet.
"What the hell?" I protested.
"You fuckin' licked my girlfriend's tits!" AJ hissed.
My eyes widened. "'Scuse me? Since when did she become your girlfriend? Was it before or after you were watching Dee get all soapy in the shower?"
I had caught him off guard. AJ's eyes widened. I was pretty sure the huge vein in his forehead was going to snap.
"I...thought it was Rhoda," he admitted.
I laughed. "Are you shitting me? You're shitting me right? Dee might have a nice pair of legs, but she's got the Sahara Desert on her chest compared to..." I sighed. "The Swiss Alps. Plus, wasn't the dark hair a dead giveaway? Rhoda's carpet has to match the drapes. That's a natural blonde right there."
AJ's hands balled into fists. I got into my best karate position.
"What up?" I taunted. "You wanna fight me? I'm not the scrawny kid you guys locked out of hotel rooms anymore. Bring it!"
Before AJ could say anything, I heard a cough and several clicks. I turned my head towards the sound of the noise. That was a HUGE mistake. AJ clocked me on the side of the head, spat on the ground just centimeters from my nose and marched off.
The pavement was hot underneath my cheek. I was pretty sure I had landed in chewed gum. I groaned and sat up.
"Are you okay?"
I closed my eyes again. I knew that voice. It figured she'd catch up with us once we came back to North America. I had been safe overseas.
"That's going to leave a bruise. Got any ice?"
I opened my eyes. The girl from The Ring was staring back. No, not really, but that's who she reminded me of with her long dark hair.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
She smiled brightly and held up her camera. She had upgraded. Of course, she probably had to upgrade. I think I threw her camera in a golf pond the last time we met.
"Working."
"Don't you have another band to annoy?" I asked. She shook her head.
"They don't give me any good bands 'til I prove myself," she said.
I frowned. I didn't know the girl's name. I had asked before, but I guess part of being a paparazzo-in-training included being anonymous. That hadn't stopped me from making up names for her - The Ring girl was only one. In the past year, I'd called her Bambi, Razzo, Zo, and Julie. Don't ask me why; she just looked like a Julie. She was like the anti-Rhoda. She didn't have boobs, she wore her hair in a ponytail, her uniform consisted of Nike shirts and sweatpants, and she didn't seem to know where the make-up aisle was in any store.
It was weird, but she kinda reminded me of a dark-haired, female version of myself.
"Dude, what happened to you?"
On cue, Bambi/Zo/Julie scampered off. Brian walked up, shielding his eyes.
"Who was that?"
"She's baaaa-accck," I sang. Bri grinned.
"Oh Ms. Snappy McSnapperpants?"
Damn, why hadn't I thought of that one?
"Yep. We're back on home turf. Obviously she doesn't have enough money to annoy us worldwide."
Bri laughed, but stopped when he took a closer look at my face.
"What happened?"
I scowled and scrambled to my feet. My temple hurt. I could feel a bruise.
"You're going to need more makeup," Bri said with a grin. I let out a growl.
"We have a hotel for tonight right?" I asked. I had to focus. The teddy bear I had left Rhoda had fallen in the shower mayhem. If she was going to land in my bed...
Well, I'd have to move fast.
"Yeah, Justin's working on it. He said we'll have actual showers and beds tonight to rest up before our repeat performance tomorrow."
I smiled. "Excellent."
Bri frowned. "Should I be worried?"
I laughed and threw my arm around his shoulder. "Worried? Never!"
"Is it about the new wardrobe girl?" he asked. "Because Howie mentioned that he was going to call a meeting if you and AJ get any more distracted."
I made a face. I hated Howie meetings. They started off okay but then Howie always got riled up and half the speech was in Spanish and the whole point was lost on me.
"Don't worry," I said. "She's not a distract--"
As if on cue, the bus door opened and the definition of gorgeous stepped out of the bus. I pulled my arm away from Bri's shoulder. He grabbed onto the back of my shirt, but I was to much for him. He didn't dare go any closer to Rhoda. I think it was part of his married man code.
"RHODA!" I called. She stopped and turned. I jogged up to her feeling like David Hasselhoff in slow-mo.
"Oh," she said. I guess she hadn't forgiven me for licking her two scoops.
I put on my best innocent smile. "I just wanted to apologize for..." I made a motion towards her boobs. I blushed for emphasis. "You're just so beautiful and I haven't stopped thinking about you since I saw you in wardrobe this morning."
Her beautiful, full lips opened. "Oh, that's so sweet!"
I turned my head and scuffed the ground. I had almost forgotten about where AJ had hit me, but it really must have looked bad. Her soft fingers cupped my fuzzy chin and she leaned closer.
"What happened?"
Here was my chance. I put on my best 'tough guy' stance. "I overheard someone talking about you and defended your honor," I said.
Okay, that might have been lame. I hadn't exactly been defending her honor when I was sucking at her tender flesh.
But she bought it.
"You did? Oh, you're such a gentlemen!" she exclaimed. Before I knew what hit me, she threw her arms around my neck and I got her whole squeezable body wigging against mine. I wrapped my arms around her waist.
Just then, AJ rounded the corner. I don't think I could have smiled any wider if I had been the Cheshire cat.
I leave for five minutes - long enough to go snatch another one of the roses - and I come back and Nick's crawling all over my woman like white on rice. That is NOT OKAY. I could feel myself seething, oozing anger from every pore. Nick was grinning like he was the fucking Cheshire Cat and his eyes danced with delight, only lighting up further when he saw me.
I chucked the rose on the ground and stormed away around the buses.
I was so fucking pissed. I beat the crap out of the little shit and he gets squeezed by that delicious bod? Well I hope he didn't think that by winning tonight that I'd back down. Hell fucking no. We had the whole goddam tour. Let her have the boy for now... eventually she'd figure out that she was way, way too much woman for him. Then she'd want the man.
And I am the man.
I sat down sourly beyond the buses, on the curb just outside of the fenced in parking lot behind the venue and reached into my pocket for my smokes. The vein in my forehead had taken on its own identity and was throbbing against my skin harshly. I reached a hand up to cover it and sucked sweet nicotine from the cigarette I held loosely in between my fingers.
Click. Click. Click. Click.
"Nobody wants pictures of me," I muttered, "You're hunting the wrong Backstreet Boy."
Nick's nemesis - I think he said her name was Julie? - came around the corner of one of the tour buses, her camera held a loft. She sat down beside me with a sigh. "Those things give you cancer," she snapped. She reached over and ripped the cigarette out of my hand, threw it on the ground and stomped the shit out of it.
I stared at the sad remains of what was my cigarette. "Son of a bitch," I muttered. I shifted my weight so I was essentially back-to her.
"You'll thank me later when you don't die of lung disease," she said, "And when you can actually sing on that fifty-year reunion tour you people are always going on and on about in interviews."
"What the fuck ever," I muttered.
Julie laughed. "What's up your ass?" she asked. Click.
I turned around. "Do you seriously have to fucking take a picture right now?"
Click. "That's my job, so yes," she answered, smiling. I glowered. Her smile faded. "Sorry," she said. She lowered the camera to her lap. She looked me over, "Nick seemed awful comfy with that chick out by the buses there. Is that his girlfriend?"
I seethed further. "No," I hissed.
"Oh whoa, wow," Julie laughed, "Christ. Sorry. Sore spot? Is that why you beat the shit out of him just now?"
I stared at her. God dammit. Now all the fans are gonna know I beat Nick up. Hate mail, come my way... I was pretty certain my email account was gonna get spammed to fucking death with messages from fans defending the little craphead's honor.
Maybe I'd post on the fan club about him licking Rhoda's boobs.
Julie smirked, "Off the record?" she suggested.
"Just for the record," I said, emphasizing the phrase. "You're a bad reporter. Every time you ask about real stuff you take it off the record." I snorted.
Julie shrugged and stood up. Nick should call her Neanderthal, I thought as her shadow cast a length of darkness over me just as wide and long as Nick's. She's the friggin' Amazon woman...
"I just know what it's like for you guys," she said, "It must be hard not having any private life."
"Well we would if it wasn't for you," I snapped.
I reached in my pocket and pulled out my pack of smokes, planning to light another one, but - faster than fast - Julie swooped down, snagged the entire pack out of my clutches, and chucked it down the sewer. I felt my blood pressure rise. Click. Click. Click. She smirked. "You'll thank me one day, McLean."
