I don't know how the words 'I love to jog' flew out of my mouth, but they did and there was no stopping them. Personally, I blame the little shorts that had become reality the moment Rhoda stepped off the bus. I was screwed. I didn't know how I was going to run with a partial-stiffy.
"If you guys lag behind don't think we're waiting up," Dee said. I could tell that the last thing she wanted was me and the 21st century Marlboro man tagging along.
"Are we going?" Lyndsey asked. Dee gave AJ and me one last hard stare.
"Let's go."
"C'mon!" Rhoda said excitedly. Her slender fingers balled up into fists and she started running in place. My head moved up and down with the movement of her jiggly puffs.
Unfortunately, the puffs started to move. We were off.
I was not dressed for jogging. For one, I didn't have on any underwear. Secondly, I was still wearing my pajama bottoms. And third...
I wasn't in shape.
My only consolation was that AJ wasn't physically any better. Years of smoking had taken his lung capacity down. Between his tarred up organs and the little tire I was carrying around my waist, we were both huffing and puffing after sixty seconds.
"FASTER BOYS!" Dee called out.
My eyes widened. It was hot out. I was already beginning to sweat. And I don't mean sexy stage sweat. I mean the stink-yourself-up-to-holy-hell type of sweat.
Rhoda's tight ass was the only thing keeping me moving forward.
Click. Click. Click.
I shut my eyes. The sweat made them burn. I was seriously astonished. How did she keep up with us so well?
"I didn't think I'd ever see you two jogging," Razzo said. She was easily keeping up with us and taking pictures. Something told me that under those baggy clothes she wore that she was in shape.
Unlike me.
"Go away!" I gasped. My feet burned. I know sneakers are for running, but I always purchase on a 'looks only' basis. There hadn't been a pressing need to break them in.
Until now.
"My fuckin' heart," AJ whimpered. He stopped, pressed his hands to his thighs, and bent over. He took a couple deep breaths. The last breath I heard was accompanied by a huge ripping sound.
AJ had ripped his damn pants.
Click. Click. Click.
"Mother f--" I heard AJ start to say.
Julie had stopped to get AJ's torture on film. Dee hadn't been kidding about leaving us behind. I was trying hard not to laugh my ass off, plus I didn't want to stray from the lucious candy cane keeping rhythm in front of me. I put forth a burst of speed I didn't even know I had. I caught up to Rhoda and smiled. She let out a happy laugh.
"Isn't this fun?"
I had a long list of 'fun' things. This wasn't on it. Drinking? Fun. Cereal? Fun when you didn't choke. Sex? Amazingly long-lastingly fun.
Jogging? So not fun. I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. I needed to deploy a sympathy attack. Stopping and gasping like Joe Cool back there wasn't effective.
What could I do?
I didn't think of anything until I hit the ground. My legs just stopped working. The girls kept jogging. I knew it was sad and pathetic, but it was all I had.
"OW! OW! OW!"
Lyndsey stopped, looked at me, and kept going. Dee didn't even turn her head. But Rhoda...
Rhoda stopped.
"OW!" I bemoaned. She turned, her eyes wide.
"What's wrong?"
"Just leave him!" Dee yelled. "He's faking!"
I cried pathetically. "I'm not faking! I--I---"
Crap. Something had to be wrong for me to ow. Uhhhhhhh....
"CRAMP!" I shrieked. I grabbed my leg for emphasis. "Bad cramp!"
Rhoda let out a squeak. Yeah, a squeak. It was totally erotic. It sounded like Minnie Mouse.
Yeah, I have a thing for Minnie Mouse. So what?
I struggled not to grin as Rhoda knelt down next to me. She leaned over and I had to fight hard to resist the urge to plant my face in her boobs again.
"You poor thing! We should have had you guys stretch first! Where is it?"
Her hands reached out to me. I wanted to point to my crotch, but A.) I didn't want her to think I had erector set disfunction (that's what it's called right?) and B.) I figured she wouldn't buy it. So instead, I pointed to my upper thigh. Licks of delight flowed through my body as her hands started to rub hard into my muscles. My leg jerked spasmodically. If she just kept rubbing a little higher each time...
I closed my eyes and leaned back. I heard slow footsteps and more annoying clicks. I opened my eye just a sliver.
Julie had her camera focused on me; the look on her face was unreadable. AJ was right beside her, hobbling slightly and holding his ass. I didn't have any trouble reading the look on his face.
It screamed murder.
I suddenly felt a little bad. This was the second time AJ had come across Rhoda and me having some body-to-body contact. All I had seen was her putting on his belt. I guess we all knew who the winner was in this war. Poor AJ. He had such big hopes and dreams and yet he was delusional. Maybe, I should...
At that moment, Rhoda's fingers brushed (accidentally? on purpose? I dunno) against my balls.
I didn't feel bad anymore. AJ had lost. That was it. The end.
Rhoda is a goddess. She is just unfortunately a goddess who runs like the fucking wind. When my lungs collapsed - and then my pants ripped - I fell to the tar like a rock and hit my knee - YES the knee I've busted like twelve times now - and laid on the sidewalk. I was dying. I was convinced of it. "Ohhhh God," I moaned, "Jesus Christ almighty. Oh my God." I writhed.
When I felt a hand touch my chest, I prayed to God it was Rhoda.
"Are you okay?"
It was Julie. Or whatever the fuck her real name was. I peeked up at her. "I'm fucking fine," I snapped, sitting up. I winced as I bent my knee. Fucking perfect.
"You don't look okay," Julie-slash-photo-bitch said, frowning.
"I fucking said I'm fine," I answered. Just to prove her wrong, I attempted to get up. It failed. I dropped to my ass again.
"Do you want help or are you gonna sit there looking stupid for the next decade?" she asked pointedly.
I pouted. I wanted to sit here looking stupid. I couldn't believe my fucking luck. I fall down and Nick runs off - NICK OF ALL PEOPLE, running! - with the girl. I hope he fucking trips and falls down a sewer drain, I thought bitterly. I spit.
Photo Bitch held out a hand to me.
Grudgingly I took it, and with strength that only Amazon Woman could possess, she pulled me to my feet. "Nice boxers," she teased.
"Shut up." I stuck my hand behind me to hold my torn pants closed.
Then I heard it.
It was like the bells of freedom ringing out across the plains of....wherever the fuck we were. (Is it sad I already have no idea where the fuck we are?)
"OW! OW! OW!"
Julie looked concerned. "Isn't that Nick?" she asked, her eyes widening.
"I fucking hope he broke his goddamned nose," I muttered.
"OW!" he cried again.
"Oh shit, he sounds hurt," Julie said, moving in the direction of the cry instinctively. She left her camera on the ground where she'd put it when she knelt down to help me up. I picked it up and hobbled after her.
Why the fuck did all the women flock to Nick? Jesus.
"CRAMP! Bad cramp!!" he was shrieking like a little girl.
We rounded the corner and found Rhoda kneeling beside him rubbing his fucking thigh. He was writhing on the cement, though I doubt it was in pain... Rhoda was dangerously close to his bulging epicenter. I balled my fists.
I was gonna fucking murder him later.
The second no one was watching.
I needed no witnesses.
Amazon Photo Bitch stopped short in her tracks and stared at Nick and Rhoda on the ground. She reached for the camera she normally had hanging on a lanyard around her neck. I handed it to her just before she started to panic.
Click. Click. Click.
Nick looked up. For a split second, he looked almost sheepish. Then...it happened. Rhoda's hand ran up the inside of his thigh and right over the Carter Family Gems. Nick's eyes widened and he literally moaned.
Julie rolled her eyes and turned away.
I imagined the noise he would make if I kicked him in the same place.
"The end," he whispered, closing his eyes.
Rhoda didn't seem to realize what she'd done. Or did she? She looked at me, "Is he okay?"
"I think you killed him," I answered. I wanted to add my turn, kill me next but I refrained.
She looked at how I was standing. "What's the matter? Did you get hurt too?"
Nick's eyes flew open.
That's right Carter. Be afraid.
"Yes. I think I busted my knee cap."
Rhoda's eyes widened, "Oh poor baby!" she whimpered. She got up and moved around Nick and knelt in front of the curb. "C'mere, let me see."
I sat on the curb and quickly rolled up my pant legs. Nick struggled to sit up and stretch his neck to see what she was doing. My knee was already all purple. Rhoda's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh, that looks like it hurts so much," she gasped.
"It does," I whispered, "But I'm man enough to take the pain."
Nick's face burned deep shades of red.
"OHHH you're soooo brave," Rhoda breathed. "Let me help you back to the bus." She stood up and reached down to pull me up. It took more work on my part than it did hers, unlike it had with Amazon Photo Bitch. But that's okay. Rhoda smelled sexier. She pulled my arm around her shoulder, and my hand naturally landed on her side of her breast. I cupped it ever so slightly, so it wasn't obvious what I was doing.
Nick's eyes were wide like melons.
But I had Rhoda's melons all to myself.
That's right, Nick... Real men win every time.
