"So you're telling me that you two dillweeds decided to go jogging this morning on a whim?"
I looked at AJ. His leg was in a huge bucket of ice, his teeth were clenched, and his nostrils were flaring.
The nostril thing wasn't as impressive as when Brian did it, but it was still pretty cool. I glanced back up at Howie and nodded.
"Yup. You keep telling us we're out of shape."
D leaned down right into my face. "I call bullshit on the both of you."
I scoffed.
"This has gone past ridiculous. We've been on tour for just a week. One week! Now your damn knee's busted and for no good reason!"
AJ muttered something; the only word I deciphered was 'boobs.' I clenched my hand into a fist.
"I'm going to have to let her go. I warned the two of you to knock it off, but you just didn't listen. You know she could turn around and sue us for sexual harassment?"
"I didn't do nothing to her-ass!" I said. "Her boobs, sure...but..."
"Harass, slickdick," AJ scowled. "As in unwanted sexual advances. Which is what you're known for."
My mouth formed an 'o' as I realized my mistake. Then I grinned. "I'm pretty sure my sexual advances are always wanted."
"¿Por qué?" Howie cried. His face was getting really red.
"Pork?" I asked. "I didn't pork her yet!"
"Listen, you can't fire her," AJ said. I guess it was 'ignore Nick' time. I hated when they did that. "I'm hurt. There's no way I'm going to keep doing this dumb shit. This isn't Rhoda's fault; there's no need to fire her D. C'mon where's your big warm fuzzy heart?"
D sighed. He looked at me. I smiled sweetly. He closed his eyes.
"Fine," he said. "But you better not make me regret this."
"Never," I said.
"Absolutely not."
Howie gave us both 'the eye.'
"Okay. J, you going to be okay for tonight?"
AJ looked down. "I've been more fucked up then this on stage. Let's roll."
I had to give it to him; J was pretty tough. He was a formidable opponent. Howie gave us both one last doubtful look and walked back out into the hall.
"Are you really giving up?" I asked when the door closed. J snickered.
"That will be a cold day in hell."
I leaned back and sighed. It was time for a scare tactic. "I really didn't want to have it come down to this."
"And what are you going to do?" he shot back.
Crap. I hadn't expected to have to give details. I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling.
Shit.
J snorted. "You're all talk and no action. Rhoda wants--"
"What do I want?"
We both turned. Rhoda was standing in the doorway holding our boxing robes. Her big brown eyes were wide and innocent.
I wanted to turn them naughty. AJ started to get up, but I pushed Limp Bizkit down.
"Do you need help with those?" I asked.
Rhoda let out a soft giggle.
"Naw, I'm good."
I zeroed in on her ass she she hung the robes up. She seemed to linger over mine. A smile played at my lips. She reached into the robe pocket.
"Oh! Brian told me to give this to you," she said.
My mind totally went south. Had Bri put in a good word for me? Was I going to get a kiss? I puckered and waited...
A can was pressed into my hands. My pucker disappeared and I looked down.
It was a can. A can of Cheese Whiz.
Nick was up to something. I could tell. I didn't know what yet, but I had a feeling I would know soon enough.
As the time for the show neared and my knee continued to ache, Nick sat smirking to himself in the corner of the room, staring off into space. Brian kept glancing his way, his cheeks reddening, then turning away. They're in on it together, I thought bitterly, watching Brian's body language. Whatever it is, Brian knows about it.
I was getting very suspicious.
I even glanced at Howie a couple times to try to catch Howie winking at them, but Howie winks so fucking much it's impossible to tell if he was winking at them or if he was just being Howie. Finally I decided Howie's ass had been too uptight lately to be in on whatever Frick and Frack were plotting.
I was pretty certain I could beat the tar out of both of them. And I would, too, if I had to; though I would've rathered not to have to kill Brian. I like Brian for the most part.
By the time we were on stage and the show was going smoothly, I'd forgotten all about Brian and Nick and even partially about Rhoda. The girls of Halifax were being generous with the bras and panties and I was enjoying the lingerie showers. Nick seemed to be, too. He was packing a pretty large bulge in his pants that I was certain foretold the fact that the bathroom would be occupied for a few after we got off stage as he -er- entertained himself. He was friendly on stage. He even took the time to tie a bra around my face and laugh and tease the audience saying I'd seen the inside of far too many bra cups.
It wasn't until my solo that I remembered why I'd been leary of him in the first place. And by the time I figured out what he'd done, it was too late.
See, the bulge in Nick's pants was not, in fact, his jimmy-dean.
Drive by love... I sang, running about the stage in my Run DMC t-shirt. The girls were goin' wild. They were bouncing - there were breasts flopping about everywhere. But none of them looked as inviting as Rhoda's. Which is how I so easily spotted her flopping breasts in the corner of the room.
I skid to her side of the stage and started grinding. She was grinning up at me. I could feel the breathing room in my jeans evaporating as I moved - dancing, it seemed, just for Rhoda. The fans in that corner drank it up, they didn't realize I wasn't looking at them. I had eyes for exactly one woman in that corner.
Suddenly, a shriek rang out from the opposite side of the stage.
I turned.
Nick was galloping towards me, a can of Cheez Whiz aimed level with my face. "CHEEZ JIZZ!" he hollered, and he pressed the squirter thing down. Orange processed cheese-flavored product flew through the air like an ejaculation. It sprayed over my face and Nick let out a bellow like he was friggin Tarzan or something before bulleting across the stage.
Yeah thats right you better run, and you better run faster than that, I thought, and, forgetting Rhoda and the fans and the song and the show altogether, I went after him, ready to strangle his fat neck.
"GET BACK HERE YOU DICK!" I shouted.
Nick looked over his shoulder as he jumped over a small amp. This was his fatal error.
In his turn to look back, his body miscalculated the distance over the amp and his legs dropped too soon, his big huge feet catching on the edge of the amplifyer and he went down, face-first, and ate stage for dinner. He scrambled onto his back and lobster crawled away from me, his eyes wide. I leaped at him, and we rolled in a ball off the stage - the fans screaming and clapping naively a few feet away. We landed about four feet off the stage.
"You fucking prick," I shouted.
"YOU GOT CHEEZ JIZZED!" Nick shouted, laughing.
"I'm gonna fucking kill you," I growled.
Nick stared up at me. "Please, please!" he laughed mockingly, "Oh God AJ, spare my life... I'm sooo scared."
I started to swing when I felt Howie's hand wrap around my wrist.
Nick's laughter died immediately. "Uhoh," he muttered.
I looked up at Howie. "Yo D," I said sheepishly.
Howie glowered down at us. "I. Am going. To fucking. KEEL you," he hissed.
Nick's eyes widened. "PLEASE HOWIE SPARE MY LIFE!"
This time, he was serious.
