Shane was bouncing around the living room as Brian walked in. He smiled at his son, knowing that tomorrow Shane would be calling him daddy. He was excited at the thought of everything being out in the open.

“It’s my birfthday, Bwi Bwi!!” Shane screamed with laughter.

“Really?” Brian asked. “How old are you buddy?”

“I is thwee.” He held up three fingers to show his age.

“Wow! I thought you were ninety-seven.” Brian sat on the floor.

“You silly Bwi.” Shane jumped in Brian’s lap. He wiggled his bum until he got comfortable. Then he looked up at Brian. “I havin’ a party. You comin’?”

“Birthday parties are my favorite. I wouldn’t miss yours for the world.”

“We havin’ pizza and cake and icey cweam and pwesents for me.” He rattled on.

“You mean I don’t get any presents.”

“No, just me. It my birfthday. You get pwesents on your birfthday.”

Brian ruffled his hair and pulled him into a hug. He loved spending time with Shane. He hoped that things would be better once Shane knew he was his daddy.

“What do you want for your birthday, kiddo?”

“I wantsa pony, toys, ballwoons, and a pup.” Shane looked at Brian. Then he moved towards Brian’s ear. In a whisper he said. “I love mommy a lot, but I wantsa daddy.”

Brian was at a loss for words and tears threatened to spill from his eyes. He knew that tomorrow Shane’s wish would be coming true. He prayed that the easy going boy would take it well.

------------------

The party was in full swing. I quickly started cleaning up the plates and cups.

“Josie, relax. You can clean up later. Go enjoy yourself.” Jackie admonished.

“I have to keep busy.” I quickly placed everything in the garbage bag.

“Is this about telling Shane the truth?”

“Jackie, I’m so nervous about the whole thing.” I leaned against the counter.

“Why are you nervous? This is a good thing for Shane Thomas. He needs a mom and dad.”

“I know. It’s just I don’t want him to forget me.” I whispered. I know my fear was irrational, but I couldn’t help how I was feeling. Shane already thought Brian hung the moon and stars. What if he didn’t need me anymore?

“That’s nonsense, Josie. Shane loves you with all his heart. He deserves to know his daddy. He’s not going to forget you just because he has a dad. I think your being a little selfish.”

“Why do you say that?” I questioned.

“You’ve had Shane to yourself for almost three years. Brian missed out on the beginning of his life. He can’t get that time back. Shane may want to spend more time with Brian and that’s understandable.” Jackie said pointedly. “He won’t forget you, you’re his mom. Just don’t take that time away from Brian.”

“Do you honestly think I’m not going to let Brian have time with his son? I’m sorry that I didn’t tell him in the first place. I’ve lived with the guilt before I even knew I was pregnant. It wasn’t easy for me. I’m sorry I screwed up.” I started to leave the kitchen.

“Josie, don’t leave. I’m not done talking to you.” Jackie commented as she stood up.

“I think we are done talking for now. You’ve told me in more than one way that I’m the bad guy in this situation. I already know that. I’m tired of you throwing it in my face. I need to be with my son. He only turns three once.” I stepped outside onto the porch.

“What wrong Jo-Jo?” Nick asked in concern.

I sat down next to him and watched as Brian was blowing bubbles with Shane. They were so cute together. It made me realized what a loser I truly was. Maybe Shane was better off without me.

“Jackie hates me.”

“Nobody could hate you. She’s just being a bitch.”

“Nick don’t say that. She’s just being honest. I can’t help it that the truth hurts.” I sighed. I knew Jackie wasn’t trying to be mean. She was disappointed that I had lied to her son, and she missed out on those years with her grandson. If I was in her position I’d feel the same way. It sucked to know I caused this entire situation.

“She needs to get over it. Sure you screwed up, but you’ve admitted to your mistakes. Jackie doesn’t think Brian can do anything wrong. In her eyes he’s perfect. It’s easier for her to have you take all the blame.” Nick reached over and pulled me into a hug.

“Nick, I was only trying to do the right thing. It’s hard because she doesn’t know how callous Brian was to me. I’m tired of being a screw up.”

“I know how you feel Jo-Jo. I’ve screwed up so many times and apparently I haven’t learned yet.” Nick played with my hair. “We can be screw ups together.”

I looked up at Nick. He always had a way of making me feel better. I inched my way closer to him. I just wanted to snuggle against him. Without a moment of hesitation, our lips met. I could feel the pressure of his lips on mine as he deepened the kiss. Then he broke away.

“Nick thank you for caring about me.” I said softly as I looked out at the yard.

I could tell by the look on Brian’s face that he saw the kiss. He quickly picked up Shane and made his way to the porch.

“Mommy, we want cake.” Shane giggled as Brian put him on my lap.

“You do, do ya?” I tickled his sides. “I guess I can go in and get the cake.”

“I’ll get it.” Brian said tersely. He slammed the door as he went inside.

“Shane go help Brian.” Nick urged the little boy on my lap.

“Okay Nicksy.” I put Shane down and he ran inside.

“When am I going to stop screwing everything up?”

“Josie, you didn’t screw up. I was the one who kissed you.”

“No, I wanted it just as much as you. Nick, you make me feel safe. You make me feel loved when I’m unlovable.”

“You don’t regret the kiss?” Nick inquired unsurely.

“Nick, I’ve never regretted anything with you.” I looked him in the eye. “I’ve always cared for you. Right now, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about anything.”

“Josie, I’m here for you no matter what, no strings attached. I love you and care about you. Whatever you want from me, I’ll be.”

“Thanks.” I loved that Nick and I had such an open relationship. He just let me be me.

Brian and Shane came out with the cake. Jackie followed giving me a disapproving look. I put on my happy face for my son. Life wasn’t going to get any easier.