I sat at the table eating breakfast with Shane. Today was my day off. I planned to spend the day at the park with Shane. The sun was shining and the weather was getting warmer. It was the perfect day to spend outside.

“Ma…ma…I…wuv…yoo.” Shane blew me kisses and smiled.

“And your mommy loves you.” I put a few slices of banana on his plate. He started to eat them.

As I was putting milk on my cereal, Brian walked into the dining room.

“Good morning Josie.” He said unemotionally.

“Morning.” I was going to be civil towards Brian in front of my child. Shane didn’t need to see me at my worse.

“Who’s this little fellow?” Brian took the chair right next to Shane.

“This is Shane. Say good morning Shane.” I prodded him.

He looked at Brian curiously. Then he smiled and waved.

“He’s a cutie. Where’s his father?” Brian looked at me. His eyes were burning a hole through me.

“Not in the picture.” I said quietly. I gave Shane a few more slices of bananas and a handful of Cheerios.

“Tank you.” He blew me another kiss. I gave him one back.

“Does he know about Shane?”

I glared at Brian. Why did he care so much about Shane? He had just met my son. My personal life was none of his business. Shane was none of his business. I wish he would just leave me alone. I wanted nothing to do with him. Didn’t he get that?

“Brian, stay out of my life. Shane is my son to worry about. I don’t need you butting in and causing more trouble in my life.” I used all my strength to answer that question.

“Is he mine?” Brian asked frankly.

“Brian what would give you that idea?” I asked incredulously. I did not want to have this conversation right now.

“The numbers just kind of add up to that night.”

“Don’t act like you’re that special. Maybe I’m as bad as you and sleep with multiple people within days. Then I would truly be the nasty person you think I am.  Shane is not your child. You don’t have to worry about using your money to support him.” I quickly wiped Shane’s hands with a rag and scooped him up.

Brian sat there pissed off. He knew something was off with Josie’s answer. Josie was too pissed to be telling the truth. He was going to find out who Shane’s dad was.

------------------------

I sat next to the sandbox as Shane played with inside. He was enjoying himself and didn’t have a care in the world. His mother on the other hand, I had too many cares to worry about. My mind was on the past, where it usually was. I know I should have moved on, but somehow I couldn’t. I still didn’t have the closure I needed with Brian. Being the coward I was, I would probably never get that closure. I would rather live with my demons than face them. As long as I had my son, I didn’t need anything else in life.

(FLASHBACK)

“Nick, where’s Brian?” I asked shakily. Tears threatened to fall down my face. I really needed to talk to Brian.

“He should be in his room. Let me take you there. Is everything okay?” Nick took my hand in his and escorted me down the hall.

“Not really. I just need Brian.”

We stopped at room 1412. Nick continued walking down the hall. I quickly rapped on the door.

“Just a minute.” Brian called out.

When he opened the door, he pulled me in quickly. “What is it Josie?”

“Brian, everything is wrong.” The tears came gushing out of my eyes.

We walked over to the couch and sat down. Brian held me in his arms and let me cry into his shirt. I couldm't stop. I had so many tears to cry. My life was shattered.

“Aww baby. What’s the matter? I’m here to help you.” Brian rubbed my back.

“My mom passed away today.” I finally said the words.

“Josie, I’m so sorry. I know how close you were.”

“Brian, I can’t deal with it. I…didn’t…get…get…to…say…goodbye.” I sobbed. My mom had been sick with cancer off and on for the past six years. I had dropped out of college to take care of her. My mom was slowly starting getting better and sent me to see Brian. She wanted me to start living my life. “My brother called me just as I was getting my luggage. I feel so guilty.”

“Don’t. It’s not your fault. You told me your mom was getting better. She sent you out to visit me. Josie, your mom wanted you to be happy. Your mom knows you love her. You took care of her all these years. She realizes you sacrificed your goals and ambition to help her. The rest of your family didn’t do that. She knows you loved her.”

“Brian, thank you.” I sniffled. I wiped my nose on his shirt.

“Anything for you. When’s the funeral?”

“My brother said it will be on Thursday. Can you make it?” I looked up at him.

“Yes. I would miss a show if I had to.”

“Good. I don’t think I could make it through the funeral without you. I’m not that strong.” I said pitifully.

“You’re stronger than you think.”

We both sat together on the couch. Brian was holding me in his arms. I had never felt safer in my life.

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“Hi…Bwi..an.” Shane’s comment pulled me back into reality.

I saw Brian sit down next to me. “What do you want?”

“Nothing. I was taking a walk and you the two of you sitting here.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say to him.

“Josie.”

“What?”

Brian sat beside me. I was waiting for him to say something. He started playing with the sand. Shane decided to pour sand over Brian’s hands. He thought it was funny and started to giggle. Brian joined in. It melted my heart.

“Brian, what did you want to say?”

“Umm…why did we have to grow up?”

“It’s life Brian. It’s what people do.”

“I know, but things changed between us as we got older.”

“Brian, you were my world. I thought the sun shined because of you. As we got older I cared about you in ways a best friend shouldn’t” I admitted. Those were feelings I never shared with him.

“Really? I was just some dorky guy.” He smiled at me. His blue eyes were twinkling in the sunshine. Brian didn’t realize the effect he had on me then and today.  Some things never changed.

“You were more than that.”

“I will love you more than that.”

“Don’t start singing your lyrics to me.” I teased.

“You hurt me Josie Posy.” He joked

“Yeah well the feelings mutual.” I said seriously. I couldn’t take anymore of his friendly banter. It was easier to stay mad at him than risk feeling rejected in the future.

“Come on. I’m trying to be nice here.”

“I don’t want you to be nice to me. Just leave me alone. It’s easier to not talk to you. Please respect my wishes.”  I said impolitely. I had to much contact with him today.

I started to place Shane’s toys in a bag.

“Don’t leave. Shane’s having too much fun. I’ll go.” He got up and walked away.

When would I get over loving him?