~ 41 (a) ~

Falling into the Blackness

+ Kevin +

It’s almost over.

There’s so much uncertainty going into this, it’s nice to know that’s one thing I can say and actually know it to be true. Normally I would never be a part of something like this, where the outcome wasn’t guaranteed and no one really knew for sure what would happen. I’m not really that much of a risk taker. With all the crap that has happened, all I care about is having this come to an end. Whether that end is a good one or a bad one, I need a finale to this thing.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. I’m actually terrified. I mean planning it out and talking about it is one thing but seeing everyone all together now, en route to the museum, this was something else entirely.

I glanced over at Don and everyone else sitting across from me in the van we were traveling in. Knowing some of them were going to be dead soon made me sad, if I had any room left in my heart for that kind of sadness. My eyes purposely skipped over Nick’s body which was lying in the middle of the van floor between us all as a reminder of what happens when you trust people who are supposed to take care of you.

I will always blame myself for his death, always and forever because it is my fault.

The van we were traveling in was army issued thanks to the Canadian government for entrusting it to Matt who was supposed to be using it to transport the weapons and ammunition he was working on to various points in the city. Little did they know he was also using it to transport the bombs that would blow this city to bits in a few hours from now.

I wish there was a way to know if this plan of his was going to be successful. Once we went through that tear we’d never know how it all played out. If everything managed to go off without a hitch or if it failed would forever be left to our imaginations. 

As if hearing my thoughts, Matt spoke, “We can probably go about another ten miles or so but then we’ll have to move the rest of the way on foot. If someone saw us, even in this van that close to the museum it would definitely draw attention we don’t want.”

I realized that was the first time anyone said a word since we started our macabre ride.

 “About how far away will we be?”

“I don’t know for sure but my guess is it’ll be a good half hour walk.”

After asking the question, Nick just nodded and once again blended in with the quiet. I found myself staring at him. How much he looked like Nick, felt like him. What was going to happen to this kid after we left? He was going to die, idiot, that’s what was going to happen to him. There was no room for him in this plan. Maybe if there were more time. I wonder if he realized that. If it hit him yet that this was also going to be his last night on this earth? Maybe it would be best if he didn’t figure it out and it just happened.

There’s just been too much death.

It was eerily quiet out there on the streets of New York where in our world they would be packed with people going to and from shows and restaurants. It was almost as if we were in rural Kentucky, minus the farms and green.

The weirdest part was the stop lights. They were still working as if those people and cabs were running around the city like crazy. The lights turned red, the do not walk signs turned to green but there was no one anywhere. It felt odd running through those lights, even still.

“How come there aren’t tons of abandoned cars here like there seem to be everywhere else?”

“They cleared them all out of the way when the attacks first happened. There were so many bodies and cars, our own men couldn’t get through to fight.”

Bodies just like the one lying at my feet.

“Where did they put them?”

“Subway, I can’t even begin to think about how many dead bodies there are right under our feet.”

That chilling thought brought the van to another round of quiet until it finally came to a stop. “Time to get out boys,” Larry who was serving as our driver said.

The doors opened as we all began to pour out one by one with Nick being the last one carrying his doppelganger. “This is where we say goodbye gentlemen.” Alan looked at me and smiled. I didn’t realize we all wouldn’t be making the trip together. “We have other places we need to be.” He added as he placed a loving hand on my shoulder.

“Thanks for everything.” What else could I have possibly said? Anything else would have just cheapened the moment.

I watched as the father said goodbye to both of his sons and then Larry did the same. One was heading to the Bronx while the other was going to Brooklyn. Both were never coming back. Their exchange was brief but full of emotion. Hearing the words, “See you soon,” almost made me lose the little bit of food I had in my stomach.

Alan jumped in the passenger side of the van and they took off, leaving us abandoned on the dark street. It was cold out but thankfully, it had stopped snowing. It felt like a colder autumn night as opposed to the dead of winter, even though it was nearly summer.

“We have until midnight.” Don said, brushing past me and taking the lead even though he wasn’t sure where he was going. He probably wanted to get this over with as much as I did.

“Let’s go but quietly. I have no idea if there are people out patrolling or not.” Matt whispered as we continued to walk down the block.

“How are you holding up?”

I turned to Howie and shrugged, “I’ll be okay. What about yourself?”

“I don’t know…I guess I’m okay as long as I don’t think about it.”

We took on the appearance of a class on a field trip. Matt and Charlie the teachers were walking at a fast pace, occasionally looking back and making sure we were all still with them, going over the plans out loud. Don was slightly ahead of them, one of the impatient parent chaperones. Howie and I were next in line with AJ and Brian directly behind us and pulling up the rear was Nick gently carrying his dead body over his shoulder at a very slow pace.

“Don said midnight, how long does that give us exactly?”

I wish I could answer AJ, but I had no idea what time it was. Maybe once we went through the hole, my watch would start working again. Maybe when we went through the hole, Nick would start working again too. We were all thinking it, even though no one said it out loud. I was holding out hope that maybe by going through that rip in the universe we would make everything that was wrong here, right which meant bringing Nick back to life.

We stopped when our other Nick let out a few choice words followed by a thump. I knew what had happened before I even turned around but even still I was angry when I saw the dead body of my little brother on the ground.

“I’m sorry, he’s really heavy. I need to stop for a minute.”

The line stopped, “We don’t have time for this. I knew taking that body was a mistake!” Don huffed and I wanted to jump on him. Nick wasn’t a body, he was a person. How he could just refer to my friend as a ‘body’ gave me pause.

“Let me carry him for a little bit.” I offered as I moved close to the other Nick and helped him pick up my Nick.

“Thanks.” He answered in a whisper.

Nick was very heavy and stiff. It was a lot harder carrying him than I thought it would be. I didn’t want to carry him over my shoulder. I felt like he deserved more respect than that but once I felt the weight, I knew the only way I would be able to handle him was by carrying him like a sack of potatoes. I just had to pretend he was alive and just sleeping. I used to always carry him like this when we’d horse around. Over the shoulder and then toss him into a pool or a pile of leaves. He used to hate it when I picked him up. He always said it made him feel small but he always had the look of ‘do it again’ in his eyes. I found myself missing him even more now and wondering how life will manage to go on without him.

We walked for about another ten long blocks or so before the huge museum came into view. “I can take him back now if you want.”

“No it’s okay. I got him.”

The other Nick nodded and rubbed the back of his neck and then stopped walking. “Maybe this is where I should say goodbye then.”

Once again our line stopped short.

“You should come all the way with us.”

“Why? So, I can watch you jump away to freedom?”

He did realize what was happening, of course he did. The sound of hurt in his voice broke my heart. “I just think you shouldn’t be alone.”

He nodded and started walking towards the museum again which filled me with a temporary sense of relief, it was selfish of me but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Nick again. Not just yet.

“Do you think it’s locked?” Brian asked as we made our way up the many steps to the main entrance.

“I guess we’re about to find out.” Don said as he went for the front door.

It opened up with no problem.

Two things struck me as we entered the museum. One was how incredibly cold it was inside. It was almost colder in there than it was outside. The other was the smell. It was almost as if you walked into a giant closet that hadn’t been opened in years. It was a weird cedar smell kind of mixed with mothballs. You would think in an area as big as the main entrance, it wouldn’t feel so claustrophobic, but the second we walked in I wanted to run out.

Charlie and Matt walked past the check in points and stared at their map and I put Nick gently down on the ground.

“I always wanted to come here as a kid.” AJ confessed looking around and seeming unimpressed.

I glanced at my cousin who had remained very quiet for the entire journey. He was staring at his dead best friend on the floor and then at the living replica of him standing off to the side. Our eyes caught briefly just as Charlie motioned for us to follow him into another room.

I bent down and grabbed for Nick but was stopped. “I can take him from here. Thanks for helping before.” I nodded and let our other Nick take over. I could tell he felt like it was his duty or his penance.

Each footstep we took echoed through the long, tall hallways so intensely it was almost as if we were wearing tap shoes.

“I think it’s up the steps and to the left.” Matt’s voice rang out just as we entered the hall of the dinosaurs. We were instantly greeted by a huge replica of a T-Rex. I sighed thinking how much Nick would have loved to see this.

“Nicky would have loved this.”

“I know.”

I nodded at Howie and smiled. It was nice to know we were both thinking the same thing. Once again I found myself looking over at this other Nick who despite everything that was happening had the faintest trace of a grin on his face. I walked over to him, “It’s pretty spectacular, huh?”

“I wonder if they are alive and well in heaven. You know, if dinosaurs roam around like dogs and people can have them like pets and stuff.”

It was such a Nick thing to say I actually rolled my eyes at him, “I have no idea.”

He laughed and shrugged, “Guess I’ll be finding out soon enough.”

And just like that we were thrown back into the reality of the situation.

As we passed the remaining dinosaurs, we came to a fire door which Don had already opened and was just waiting patiently for us to pass through.

Once up the steps we ended up in a baron hallway with an arrow pointing to a King Tut Exhibit.

“It should be right around this corner.” Charlie whispered with apprehension in his voice. It was the first time he didn’t sound sure or brave. He sounded like someone who knew the end was coming and maybe was starting to realize it.

As we walked down the hall my thoughts started coming at me a mile a minute. My heart was beating rapidly, saliva was gradually making its way into my mouth and I actually started gagging. I was sure I was going to vomit, but it never came. The walk felt like one to a gas chamber or electric chair with each step closer to uncertainty or maybe even death. If this didn’t work, we were going to die. It was as simple as that.  No second chances. Once it hit midnight that was it.

Then there was Nick. Not our dead one, but the living breathing one. Could we really just leave him behind knowing we were condemning him to death? It was bad enough we were doing that to our new friends, but this felt more like murder other than the sacrifice they were willing to pay. Was it really his fault he ended up the way he did and in this circumstance? The poor kid has already lost so much, why were we going to let him just die.

We stopped in front of a random purple colored wall. “This is the place.” Matt said with certainty. “Right here.” He pointed to a part of the wall that looked no different than any other part.

“It’s a wall.”

“Yes, it’s definitely one of those.” Howie agreed in a very comical way.

“Do we go through it or something?” I didn’t mean to sound dumb but I wasn’t exactly sure how it was we were supposed to end up going through some portal in time if all it was, was a wall.

Charlie put his hand on the wall and I have to admit I was expecting it to go right through, but of course it didn’t work that way. His palm settled on the wall and he started moving it up and down.

“I don’t get how this is going to work.”

AJ sounded frustrated. I was too.

Don walked over and opened the small black bag he was carrying. Inside there was a hammer and a crowbar. “We do this!” He took the hammer and plunged it into the wall. The sound it made echoed through the entire building. If anything was lying dormant in there, it would be awake now. That of course included anyone we might not want to run into.

After making a small hole in the wall, he used the crowbar to pull at the plaster. I should have offered to lend a hand but I was just kind of in a frozen trance, watching and waiting for something magical to happen. Waiting to see a glowing orb or rainbow or hear angels singing, something.

When it was all said and done, it was just a big gaping hole in the wall that seemed to lead to nowhere which was kind of anticlimactic.

We were going to die.

“Now what?” I asked as both Charlie and Matt bent down to examine the hole his brother had created.

“Now you go through.”

“Just like that? We just crawl through the hole and supposedly we’ll end up home?”

He shrugged, “I know it seems almost too simple but yes, that’s the plan.”

Matt had some kind of weird instrument in his hands which he placed in the hole. “I’ll be damned; I really think this is going to work!” His smile was so wide it almost made me cry. How could someone so close to death be so happy about anything?

He stood up and nodded, “You have to go now, the readings seem right but I don’t know how long that will last.”

“Were you able to see what’s on the other side?” Brian asked, his voice cracking as if he was going through puberty.

“No, it was too dark, but it definitely leads somewhere.”

“I guess it’s time for goodbye then.” I took a deep breath knowing that if anyone was going to go first it was me. Let me fall apart or get swallowed up by the earth before they have a chance to. Of course would that be better than knowing you were going to blow up?  Who knew or cared anymore. I just wanted this to be over.

Charlie smiled at me and I grabbed his hand, “I don’t know how to thank you.”

“Just don’t let history repeat itself. Do whatever you need to do to stop something like this from happening in your world.”

“Whatever it takes!” Don added letting me know he meant it.

I looked over at Matt and nodded. He did the same. I then turned to my brothers, my best friends. After this experience we were going to be inseparable. No one else would ever understand this. We’d have to be each other’s support systems for the rest of our lives.

“Are you ready for this?” I asked, making sure to look each one of them in the eyes, just in case.

“This needs to be over.” AJ finally answered on everyone’s behalf.

I found myself looking back at Nick who was now just kind of staring at the wall as tears freely flowed down his face. He had placed Nick on the ground and put his jacket on top of him.

I walked over, not exactly sure what I wanted to say, hoping that the words would come when I needed them to. I placed my arm on his shoulder and he tried to move away. “In another time and place…”

“I know.” He squeaked out, “It’s okay…”

He smiled at me through his tears and in that instance I realized what I needed to do. I bent down next to Nick’s body and removed the jacket. He looked like he was sleeping except for the gradual graying under his eyes. “Nick, you know we love you, but we have the chance to save someone here. We will never forget you. You will always be with us, always!”

I then turned to the boys who were watching and starting to understand what was happening.

“No!” Brian pleaded.

“Brian, we have to.”

“But he killed Nick!”

“I know that AJ, but…”

“We can’t just leave him here!”

They were going back and forth crying and I totally understood. But leaving Nick behind didn’t make sense. Maybe with us he would have a second chance. He would be able to live a semi normal life. We could see to that! I would see to that!

“It’s the right thing to do.” I finally said after a few more minutes of silence.

“Kevin is right guys; Nicky would want us to do this.”

They all walked over to him and one by one they said their farewells to our dead friend. It took the living Nick awhile to get what was actually happening. It wasn’t until I grabbed his arm and led him to the hole that he got it.

“I don’t get it. Why aren’t you taking him? Why are you choosing me?”

“Because you’re alive and I truly believe you deserve a second chance. We all do!”

I got down into a crouch, ready to go through the hole and into the unknown, but before I did, I took one last look at my dead little brother and all of my best friends and mouthed the words, “I’m sorry.” I then grabbed Nick and together we fell into the blackness.