~ 9 ~

I wish I could Stop Shaking

Date: May 28th, 1999

Time: 10: 54 P.M.

Place: Nazareth Pennsylvania (8 days after emergency landing)

+ Nick +

I wish I could stop shaking.

I have been trying to will my body to stop for about an hour now. Closing my eyes and telling myself this is all some kind of horrible nightmare. When I was a little kid, I used to have the worst nightmares ever. I mean just gut wrenching dreams where I would be chased by faceless people with huge knives and guns. My mother would yell at my dad and tell him it was his fault for letting me watch so many violent movies. She was probably right. I never thought that stuff would come true though. I was wrong.

I swear I’ve had this dream before, the one with the bombs exploding all around me while I am helpless to do anything about it. Yet, when I close my eyes and open them again, it doesn’t end. It’s really happening and it won’t stop.

I wish I could stop shaking.

I also wish I had the ability to will Howie awake. He’s been sleeping for over an hour already. How anyone could sleep with all the noise outside is beyond me. I thought we were going to die just a few short hours ago. A bomb hit so close to us that the entire shed shook. A little tiny bit of the roof fell not ten yards from me as we all did nothing but look up in horror. No one even screamed.

I am shaking so fiercely that trying to form one single word with my mouth is taking all the energy I can muster. I need to wake him up though. I can’t go through this alone.

“D…dddddd…..ddddd….” is all I can manage to get out. He didn’t even move an inch.

I take my hand that is trembling as bad as someone who has Parkinson’s and pull the one blanket Howie and I are sharing closer to me. I would love to cover my eyes but it doesn’t reach and I’m not lying all the way down on the ground. It’s too cold. Snow is coming in from the small hole in the roof. It doesn’t seem to bother anyone else. The nice old couple is huddled together on their mattress on the floor with one huge quilt between them. I feel sorry for even taking this blanket away. They are being too nice to us and are going to end up paying for it.

Everyone ends up paying in the end. That’s the last thing Laura said to me before she died. I don’t want to think about that though. It’s all I see when I close my eyes and have any time at all to myself. I see her laying there helpless and shaking, just like I am now. I haven’t told anyone about her. When we were separated right after we landed in this terrible place, the guys asked me if I met anyone or if anything bad happened, but I didn’t answer. There were no words for what I saw, so I just stopped talking. Now I wish I had said something.

Brian sat with his arm around me as if we were back in those early days of Backstreet. He could tell there was something I was hiding. I said nothing and he didn’t press. Now I might never see him again. He’s probably dead. I don’t really know what to do with that.

I wish I could stop shaking.

I look over at Howie again who shifted slightly as if he just picked up my negative energy on the back end of the small breeze blowing through the shed. I don’t feel well so I start to take deep breathes, hoping that maybe I’ll be able to calm myself down enough to fall asleep for a little bit.

My thoughts race back to Brian, Kevin and AJ. I’m not sure how we got separated. I wish I was paying more attention when it happened. AJ was calling my name just as the whistling occurred and the next thing I knew I was in the air. I wanted to scream, but I just couldn’t do it so instead I closed my eyes and hoped for the best. How I ended up in this house with these nice people I’m still a little confused about. I vaguely remember Howie pulling me off of the ground and practically carrying me on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I’m not sure how he did that exactly. It couldn’t have been easy since I outweigh him by at least 70 pounds.

“Ddddddd…” I try again, hoping this time I’ll actually get his name out but still no luck. I’m a little worried about how crappy I feel. It started out feeling a bit like a head cold but as the days have gone by, I am just feeling more and more weak. I think I might be running a fever now.

I was just about to give up and try closing my eyes again when Howie’s eyes opened.

“Nicky?” I nod to him and he suddenly sits up, “What’s wrong?”

He sees me shaking violently and instantly removes the blanket off of himself and throws it over my shoulders, trying to bundle me up like a baby. “You’re that cold? Jesus, you’re shivering.”

Uh…yeah.

“Do you feel okay?”

I think about it just a second too long before I nod to him. He knows I’m lying. “What hurts?” He asks as his hand goes to my forehead, “Shit! You’re burning up. I think you might have a fever buddy. This isn’t good. Now is not the time to get sick.”

The feeling of safety is completely replaced by guilt. I now feel bad for feeling bad. He’s making me feel like I’m doing it on purpose or something. Suddenly I wish I had never tried to wake Howie up.

He stands up, “Let me go see if Clara has anything you can take.”

I try to stop him. The last thing I want is to bother these nice people again, but it’s too late. He’s over there whispering in her ear. A minute later she gets up and starts shuffling around; frantically looking for what I imagine is a bottle of aspirin. Howie sees me staring and gives me a very sympathetic smile. One of those, “Everything’s going to be okay,” type of looks.

I hear her pouring some water and I start to feel a little relief. Maybe some aspirin is all I need to help me feel better. They both come over and squat down beside me.

“I’m sorry you don’t feel well sweetheart.” She says in a very motherly way. She reminds me a lot of my grandmother. She even looks like her a little bit.

Just like Howie did, she also puts her hand on my forehead and gives D a concerning glance. He returns her gaze with an ‘I told you so,’ look. Smiling, she hands me two pills and a very small glass of water. “Take these and I’m going to get you another blanket and a nice wet rag to put on your head.”

I nod and smile as she hands me the drugs. I am shaking so violently that I almost drop the water. Luckily Howie sees this and grabs it from me. I choke down the pills and then he holds the water as I take a sip. I can tell he’s worried and once again I feel bad. I am the last thing anyone should have to worry about.

He holds out the glass to me, “Do you want more?”

I shake my head so he places the water on the ground beside me. “Hopefully that’ll help get your fever down.”

I want to say what would really help is to be staying somewhere that doesn’t have a gaping hole in the roof while it’s snowing outside, but that would be childish, immature and selfish. The old me from just a few short weeks ago wouldn’t have thought that way but things have changed. I have grown up about ten years in ten days.

Clara came back holding a small, damp towel and promptly placed it on my head. It was cold and I recoiled at the touch of it. “I know it’s not the most comfortable thing, but it’ll help bring that fever down sweetie.”

I manage to say the first word without stuttering in well over an hour, “Thanks.”

She nods but there is a look in her eyes that wasn’t there before. I would like to say it was concern or care but it was a deeper, darker look. One that said she was hiding something. I have quickly learned not to trust people here, even if they are super nice. It seems like everyone in this place is harboring a secret.

Once she moves away and back to her spot on the mattress I sit myself all the way up, feeling the smallest of aches in my back as I do.

“Feeling any better?” Howie asks as if aspirin should work instantaneously. It never does for me but I still feel obliged to answer him with a nod and a smile. He deserves some good news, even if it’s of the fake variety.

He smiled optimistically even though I know he knows I’m not being honest with him. “It’s probably just a little cold or something, you’ll feel loads better in the morning and then we can go out and find the guys and get ourselves out of here. How does that sound Nicky?”

It sounds like an impossible task, but yet I manage a, “Good to me.”

He lovingly places his arm around my shoulder, a gesture he would never dare to do in public for fear of being called gay. Howie has a thing about that. For some reason he always thinks any sign of affection is grounds for the press to call us gay. Since there are no cameras or press here he has no problem with it. I place my head on that same shoulder as I hear mutters coming from Clara and Randy’s bed. She’s probably filling him in on what happened.

I am still shaking like crazy but just the body heat from D and the blankets to myself is helping a little bit. I am even finding myself getting sleepy. I’m afraid to close my eyes though especially when I hear the conversation taking an unpleasant turn.

We can’t really make out what is being said but it’s clear that Randy isn’t happy. He’s quietly scolding Clara. I feel Howie’s body tense up and that is what makes me move my head off of him and sit up straight.

“Do you think everything’s all right?”

“Yeah, he’s probably annoyed at being woken up.” I can tell he doesn’t believe what he’s saying. I can also tell he’s trying his best to eavesdrop without getting up from his spot. The shed is small enough that we can really hear what’s being said. The fact that they’re whispering isn’t a good sign.

“Think they’ll want us to leave?”

“No.”

I wish I had that much faith, but I don’t. On the plus side, I am finally able to speak again without shivering. Howie seems happy that I’m even saying anything at all. Funny how much that has changed from a few weeks ago when he would have literally paid me to keep my mouth shut.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Try to get some sleep, Nicky. I’ll keep watch.”

“You need your sleep too.” I want to finish by saying, “Because most likely we’re getting kicked out of here come morning.” But I decide to leave that as a nasty thought in my head.

“I’ll sleep later. You first, you can lean on me if you want.”

I place my head back on his shoulder, “Thanks.” I manage before closing my eyes.

I’m no sure whether or not I actually fell asleep but I keep my eyes closed when I hear Clara softly whispering to Howie.

“I am so sorry about this. We’ll make sure you have plenty of food and you can take that blanket and any medicine I can find.”

I knew we were getting kicked out. I’m really mad but Howie doesn’t seem upset at all. In fact, he sounds downright apologetic. “We’ll take whatever you can give us. Thanks so much Clara.”

“I’m going to try to get him to change his mind but he’s just too afraid we’ll get sick. The risk of infection at our age…”

“I know. You don’t have to explain. It was nice of you to even do this much for us.”

“Don’t fret sweetheart, I’m going to try to talk my man out of it.”

“Thanks.”

I heard her walk away and then I felt Howie’s eyes on me. He was staring. I’m hoping it was concern and not contempt because if I wasn’t with him, he’d still have a place to stay. Maybe I should just offer to leave, make the ultimate grown up decision and sacrifice myself for the good of my friend. I wish I was brave enough to do that, but I’m not and honestly at this point I’m too afraid that maybe he’d take me up on that offer. So instead I just pretend I’m still sleeping. The longer I fake sleep the more time it buys us here. I know we’d have until the morning. They’d never kick us out at night.

I feel my shaking start up again, and instantly feel Howie’s arm on my back, rubbing in concentric circles. “Everything will work out Nicky, I promise. I’m going to get us home safe and sound. We’ll find the rest of the guys and this will all be over soon.”

The way he says it sounds like he’s reciting an “Our Father.”

I want to believe him, I really do.

I also wish I could stop shaking….