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Chapter Seventeen - Things Aren't Always What They Seem

There's a simple fact about taking showers on a boat: there's only so long you can try to drown yourself before the reservoir runs out and the equipment begins to falter under strain. Sailors are supposed to take a quick wash off (if they take a shower at all); for those who want a longer dip, there's the ocean. And, really, can you think of anyone who's ever suffered drowning by low-pressure shower?

Even so, I didn't want to go out and face Rosie; if I was being really truthful wtih myself, it was more like I didn't know how to face her. Part of me wished I didn't have to, but I knew that she couldn't go anywhere. We were in the middle of the ocean.

The captain and the stowaway.

My body was still zinging through a vertible rainbow of emotions as I stood shivering in the bathroom, a towel wrapped around my waist. The muscles in my thighs twitched; I could still feel Rosie's hungry kisses against my jawline. Sexual desire tingled below the surface, practically taunting me. I had kept it buried for so long; now it was raging in the back of my mind, reawakened and hungry.

But, I was going to have to make that desire disappear again. For good. I had only been faithful to one woman in my whole damn life and I wasn't going to stop being faithful to Lauren. Ever. I wrapped my hands around the sink, focusing on my breathing. My chest still ached from my meltdown in the shower.

The breathing helped. I knew what I had to do. I had to talk to Rosie. I had to turn the boat around, drop her off at home, and put as much distance between the two of us that I possibly could.

Then I was going to finally take Brian's advice and see a psychologist. Again. Since obviously the first one hadn't done his damn job. I didn't need to sob over my wedding album; it didn't help the pain. I didn't have to watch the video of the plane crash. Did he seriously think that would help me heal? To know that my wife's child-carrying body was motionless in the rubble?

No, I needed something else. Maybe shock therapy. Or hypnotism.

Or maybe a herd of robot aliens could come down from their home planet and zap my brain.

A little brain zapping never hurt anyone.

I was still thinking about robot aliens as I tugged on a pair of pajama pants and a sweatshirt. I shoved my hands in the front pocket and took a deep breath before heading back up on deck.

The sun had completely set. One small solar light swung from a pole, illuminating just a small patch of the deck. That patch was empty. I found Rosie sitting on the deck. She had changed (I didn't wrap my mind around her undressing out in the open) into an outfit very similar to mine. Her chin rested gently against her knees. Her eyes were closed.

"H-hey," I said. I coughed to clear the sudden rise of phlegm that had taken hold of my vocal chords.

She looked up slowly. "Hey," she repeated.

When she sat back I noticed she had been clutching her newly uncasted arm close to her body. I knelt down beside her, my finger hovering, but not touching her skin.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Are you?"

I wanted to flinch away, but I struggled to maintain my crouching tiger pose. "I'm sorry," I said quietly. "That shouldn't have happened and it was--"

"I wanted it to happen," she said. Her voice had a slight edge to it. She stared up at me and I saw the seriousness etched there.

"I didn't," I said coldly.

"Oh really? Because it looked--"

"Things aren't always what they seem," I shot back.

"Things are exactly what they seem," she said. Her forehead wrinkled in frustration. She scrambled to her feet, wincing slightly and clutching her wrist. "You're just scared to live again. But Nick, your wife's dead and nothing can bring her back." Rosie's eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry about that; I really am. And I know how you feel. I would do anything to see my mom and dad again, but I know they're not in pain."

She stepped close to me; I was still frozen in my crouched position. She bent her body over me, her knees pressing into my back, and wrapped her good arm loosely around her neck.

"They're not in pain anymore," she whispered. I felt a warm drop hit the crown of my head. "I know with all my heart that she wouldn't want you hurting down here. She'll be waiting for you one day when you're old and gray and I bet the last thing she'd want to hear about is a life of sorrow."

I licked my lips. The sea air had already made them bone dry. "Oh? And you think she'd want to hear about my life with another woman?"

More tears hit my head; my eyes flickered down to the deck as my chest rose and fell. Rosie laughed softly.

"I think if you found the right girl, the right girl might be willing to share you up in those clouds. Not before then, mind you, but--"

"And who's the right girl, Rosie?"

She didn't answer. Her arm fell from around my neck. I sat back and watched as she made her way to the railing.

"I don't know," she said evenly. "But neither will you if you don't take a chance."

"I think we can both agree I screwed up my chance," I said sourly. She didn't turn my way, but I saw her lips curve into a smile.

"No, I can guarantee you that you didn't."

I didn't respond. Rosie leaned weakly against the rail. She grabbed for her hand again.

"Your arm?" I guessed. She nodded.

"I think I might have done too much too soon," she admitted.

I stood up and closed the distance between us. She didn't argue when I gingerly took her arm. Her wrist was swollen.

"You need to sleep with some ice on it," I said. "I'll get you some ice and you go down and get in bed."

Her pretty eyes fluttered open at the word 'bed.' I knew I needed to clarify.

"I'm going to sleep out under the stars," I added gently. She nodded.

"Okay," she whispered. She sucked her lower lip into her mouth, nibbling it for just a second. "And tomorrow?"

I thought back to my initial intentions. I had wanted to march out on deck, declare that I was taking her home, and run. But now...

"We'll see," I said.

Her face broke into a brilliant smile. She backed up.

"That's good enough for me." She disappeared below deck and I glanced up at the stars for a minute. My eyes became transfixed on the brightest one, directly overhead.

"I just want to know, Laur," I whispered.

"Really? Is it her?"

I stood there for the longest time waiting for an answer.

Something told me it was an answer I was going to have to figure out for myself.