"So is Ricky excited about the baby?" Becky asked. We were sitting at either end of the couch staring at the TV. It was tuned into the Oprah Network and Kat Cora was cooking a disgusting looking dish. We both had our feet propped up on pillows.
"Who's Ricky?" I asked. Becky turned and looked at me in confusion.
"Didn't Brian say that was the name of the baby's father?"
"Huh? Oh...Oh yeah! Yeah, he's excited. Very excited."
Becky sighed. "You're lucky."
I frowned. "Lucky? What do you mean? Isn't your husband excited?"
"He was at first, but now..."
"He acts like I'm bothering him. I just..." she sniffled. "I need help. I've never done this before. I'm a nurse, but I still had no clue what it was like until it happened to me."
"Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean!"
I've heard of people having epiphany's, but I never really knew what it was until that exact moment. I mean, I needed help and Brian just wasn't doing enough. It was so obvious that I burst into tears and began to nod.
By the time Brian got back, Becky and I were sitting on the couch, hugging each other tightly and crying. We were having a moment. Sure, she didn't know it was me, but it was still nice.
I looked up and sniffled. "You need to take better care of me," I pouted. Becky whirled around.
"Yeah, Bri! I mean her husband was just deployed to Iraq and she needs someone. We all need someone!" Becky burst into sobs.
Bri's mouth fell open. He looked at the two of us, his face coloring.
"Becky, I, er, I mean we," he motioned to me and then to himself. "We need to tell you something. But first I need a moment alone with Tiffany."
"What?" I asked in confusion. Bri took my hand and hoisted me up. I followed him to the guest bedroom.
"What's going on?" I hissed.
"We found you," he said, his face coloring.
"And if we don't tell Becky what's going on, she's going to think you went on a crack binge. We found the chick, er you, standing naked in a fountain wailing for her baby and looking for her..." Bri grabbed his chest. "And let's not even mention all the reporters."
I groaned. I felt a sudden sharp shooting pain snag across my stomach. I winced.
"Becky's never going to believe this," I said. "Where'd you take me? I mean her? I mean the chick?" This was getting even more confusing then it was before.
"AJ's got you. He's taking the girl back to his place until I give him the all clear. I didn't want this to get out of hand."
"What? Are you serious? It's already out of hand! Once Ro knows, she's going to call Becky and--" I paused, not just for effect but because of another pain. Damnit, I was probably giving this girl an ulcer after all this.
"I told him he can't tell Ro," Bri said meekly.
The pain subsided and I snorted. "Yeah, right. Like he's going to listen. He's leashed up just as bad as you."
"Leash--shut up. Will you go out there and help me prove it's you?"
"Do I have a choice?" I asked. Bri shook his head. He turned to go, but I grabbed his arm. He looked at me. I don't know what made me do it, but I smirked. "Once last kiss for the road?" I asked, batting my lashes.
What happened next, I will never forget for the rest of my life. Maybe even longer. I may still be having nightmares of the possibilities well after I've dead and buried. I don't know. If I go to hell - which I won't because I'm very diligent in my prayer life, but I'm just saying if - the following events will be replayed to me day after day for all eternity on a large screen television set, overlaid with the laughter of the devil and a Justin Bieber song on continuous repeat.
I led Nick, who was making kissy-noises, into the hall and back towards the living room. Becky was standing in front of the sofa, staring into the hallway with an expectant look on her face. Her hands were bracing her back, her belly protruding - though nowhere near as far as Nicks. And thank God for that.
I don't think I could've handled a double helping of... Well, you'll see.
"Becky," I announced, as Nick stopped making kissy-noises. He grabbed my elbow, his fingers tight around the joint. "We have to talk -- you, me and Tiffany."
"Br- Brian..." Nick's voice was pinched.
"Nick," I said steadily, "We need to do this."
"Nick?" Becky looked confused.
"Brrrrrrrrr-IAN!!!!!!!!!!!" Nick's voice climbed from a whimper to a shriek. His grip tightened even harder, clamping down like iron. "Oh fucking hell," he cried.
Becky's eyes widened. "Tiffany!"
"N-Tiffany?!" I turned to look at him... just as a splash of hot fluid hit my feet.
"Oh fuck," I wailed, "Oh fuck." I looked at Becky. "FUCK. He's going into labor!"
"DID I JUST PEE MYSELF????" Nick's eyes were wide as he looked up at me, the contraction falling away. "DID I JUST PEE ON YOU?" He grabbed my arm with both his hands.
"Your water broke honey," Becky said, running over. She wrapped her arms around Nick's shoulders. "It's okay. Did you do lamaze?"
"N-no!" Nick's eyes flashed. "I broke? Why am I broke? What broke? Did my bladder explode? Oh my God. What happens now? Is it gonna fall out?" He grabbed Becky's arms. "Please, I'm terrified, please."
"It's gonna be okay, Tiffany," Becky said. She rubbed Nick's arms gently, "It's okay."
"No! No it's not! Oh my God is a baby gonna fall out of my va-jay-jay?!?" He looked at me. "BRIAN! A BRIAN'S COMING OUTTA MY VA-JAY-JAY!"
I felt my jaw flapping like a fish. "I - I - Oh God. I--" I felt like I'd been dunked into cold water. "Oh shit. Oh Lord."
"Brian, where's Tiffany's hospital bag?" Becky asked calmly.
Hospital bag. Oh Lord. "I - We don't - I didn't -- we..." I stammered.
Becky frowned. "Well get your keys," she said, "We gotta get Tiffany to the hospital." She looked at Nick. "You didn't do lamaze?" she asked as I bolted for the table by the door, where my keys were waiting.
"I don't really like llamas," Nick was muttering, "They spit and they smell and I had some bad experiences with them once."
"Not llamas, sweetie," Becky said, "La-MAHHHHZE. Breathing exercises."
"Exercise? Breathing?" Nick asked, confused.
"Tiff," I said, "Ooo-hee-ooo-haa.."
"Why are we singing the Witch Doctor song?" he asked. I looked at Becky and opened the door. She helped NIck down the hall. "I dont feel like singing right now," Nick continued, "It doesn't sound the same when it's not me... Everything's like singing falsetto, it's so weird..."
Luckily, Becky seemed to be not really listening.
We made it down the stairs to the car and Becky and I loaded Nick, who was now screaming in agony from another contraction, into the vehicle. "Kill me!" he was screaming, "Kill me! I want to die! Make it stop!!"
Becky crawled in next to him and I bolted for the driver's seat.
"I want to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!" I could hear Nick's wails from outside the car.
Oh. My. Lord.
I leaped behind the steering wheel. "Brian do you know how to contact Ricky?" Becky asked from the back seat.
"I - I - uh - I..."
Nick's face was pink with tears. "Please Brian," Becky begged.
I pulled out my cell phone and called AJ. "Yo?" AJ asked as he picked up. I could hear Nick's voice in the background. And Rochelle's.
"Tiffany is in labor," I barked.
"Nick's having the baby?!?" AJ's voice was panicked.
"I WANT MY BABY!" I heard Nick's voice -- Nick's actual body's voice -- aka Lainey -- yelling.
AJ groaned. "OH sweet Jesus."
"KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nick bellowed in the backseat.
"Brian!" Becky yelled, "DRIVE! Unless you wanna have a baby delivered in your SUV on the Interstate!"
"I - I -- I GOTTA GO!" I threw the cell phone across the car and threw the vehicle into reverse.
No way in hell was I helping extract a child from Nick's va-jay-jay.