Bri was hovering next to me throwing his minty breath in my face. I glared over at J, the one who had begun to laugh the sinister laugh.
"Shut. UP," I growled.
"You need to focus on a happy place," Brian said.
"It's right there!" AJ said, pointing at what used to be my crotch.
"GET OUT!" Becky and Bri yelled at the same time.
"I'm just being helpful!" he complained.
"Helpful? Helpful?" my real voice burst out. I watched Lainie use my old, amazing, large hands lift AJ right out of the wheelchair. His eyes widened to the size of saucers.
"I--I'm sorry, ma'am. Er, sir. Er..."
Before AJ got pummeled, the door opened and a doctor walked in. He was grinning ear to ear. "This must be where the party's at!" he said happily.
I instantly hated him.
"Let's see..." he mused, opening his chart. "We have Tiffany?"
"Lainie," my Nick-voice corrected. "I must have the wrong room..." the doctor said in confusion. I watched the 'Nick-she' grab the chart from his hands.
"Let me fix that," she snapped.
"Are you the father?" the doctor said, that stupid grin reappearing. Lainie lowered the chart. "I'm the mother!" she wailed.
"This whole thing's a little unorthodox," Bri said quickly. AJ hid another round of 'evil-Disney-character' laughter behind his palm.
"WOULD SOMEONE HELP ME?!" I yelled. My fingers clawed into the sheets and the next wave of whatever the hell medieval torture this was slammed through me like an unrelenting wave.
"Let's see how far along you are," the doctor said quickly. "Then we can see about getting you some pain relief."
Becky pressed her palm to my head, which calmed me for a second. Literally, a second. I became irate again as the doctor tried to move my sheet.
"Don't do that! Don't touch me!" I stared up at Becky. The doctor seemed dumbfounded.
"Honey," she said quietly. "He has to...check."
She bit her lip. AJ leaned over me. "He has to check your va-jay--"
"NO!" I burst out. I scrambled backwards, screaming. I was being ripped in half. "NO HE ISN'T!"
"Nick..." Becky said.
"Nick?" the doctor asked.
I started to cry. "What did you girls ever do to deserve this?" I bemoaned. Becky kept petting me like a kitten until I settled back down. She turned to the doctor. "Go ahead."
As I was subjected to the most humiliating exam of my life, out of the corner of my eye I saw AJ raise his phone. She-Nick grabbed it, threw it on the floor, and stomped. AJ gasped.
"You're almost nine," the doctor announced, his head popping back out. I squeezed my legs together for dear life.
"What does that mean?!"
Becky let out a little sigh. She squeezed my hand.
"It means you'll be too late for an epidural by the time the guy gets here to give you one," she said. My eyes widen.
"You mean I have to do this--"
"Drug free," she finished. From behind me, Lainie erupted in a string of curses. Bri rolled his eyes up to the ceiling.
"You better be praying for me," I hissed.
The doctor was peeling off his rubber gloves after examining Nick, who was clutching me and Becky both so hard I was pretty sure he was going to break one of our arms. He smiled, too cheerful - clearly, he was freaked out by all the crazy that was packed into one delivery room. AJ was lounging in his wheelc chair, eyeing Lainey with distrrust, who was leaning against the wall with a sullen look on her face because she wasn't delivering her baby. Becky, who was pasty white as she absently rubbed her own protruding belly, stared down at Nick's petite legs that were buckled up in the stirrups.
"If any of you have any questions..." the doctor was mumbling as he headed for the door.
"...So, Doc... How exactly do you become a- you know... professional woman inspector?"
I smacked AJ up the back of the head.
"What?" AJ demanded.
"Do you seriously have to be that pathetic?"
"He said any questions," AJ snapped.
The doctor stared at us, perplexed.
"That wasn't a real question," I snapped back.
"Sure it was," AJ responded, "Who wouldn't want that job? You get to see all the pu--"
"ALEX!" Becky's voice was so sharp and commanding that AJ clamped his mouth shut without finishing the word.
"I'll be... uh... back when... when... Ti-- La-- Ti-- she is ready to deliver," the doctor scrambled out the door so fast it was as though he were escaping from a floor made of quicksand.
I whirled about to look at AJ. "NOW do you see what you've done?" I demanded, my face flushing, "Do you see what you've done?"
"I just wanted to know how he got into the field of feeling up women for a living!" AJ squeaked.
"Who the hell in their right mind asks that?" I demanded.
"Nick did," Becky replied with a sigh.
I turned and looked at Nick, who's face was scrunched in pain. "What?" I asked.
Becky rolled her eyes, "The first appointment I had with the OB when they were telling me I was pregnant, Nick came along and asked how to become a va-jay-jay inspector."
Becky sighed. "It was accompanied by the theme song to Inspector Gadget, too."
"SEE?" AJ crowed, "I'm normal."
Lainey growled from the corner, "NONE of this is normal!" she bellowed, "I WANT TO BE THE ONE DELIVERING MY BABY!!!" she wailed.
"You doooooooooooon't!" wailed Nick, "It huuuuuuuuurts!!!!"
He squeezed my arm even harder. If that was possible. I felt my knees buckle.
"Inspector va-jay-jay," AJ sang quietly.
Becky, Nick, Lainey and I all glared at him.
"What?" AJ asked, "It's catchy."