I don't know why I kissed him. Okay, that's a lie. I kind of do. We had been sharing a moment and these girly hormones running through the puny little veins in my va-jay-jay'd body were getting all carried away again just like they had in the shower. Plus, I had picked Sleepless in Seattle for crying out loud. That wasn't what I would have normally picked. Nick would have picked Juggernauts 9 or King Kong vs. Frankenstein..
Nichole's pores were oozing mushiness like no tomorrow. And instead of being baby-making horny I was just prego horny.
The worst part of the whole thing was that Brian didn't immediately scoot back and make the sign of the cross to keep me away. No, he began to kiss me back like I was the big bowl of popcorn and he had suddenly decided he was starving. His hand wrapped around the back of my head and his fingers snaked into my hair.
There was probably a good two or three minutes of pure lack of rationalizatio n. It wasn't like we just had a smack and that was it. No, it was only after his tongue had made one lap around my mouth that I opened my eyes. He opened his a second later. He crab-crawled backwards, his hand flying over his mouth.
"No," he breathed. "No, no, no, no, no!"
My lips were still tingling. I reached into the popcorn bowl for lack of anything else to do.
"Does this mean I'm gay now?" I wondered aloud. "Does this make you gay?"
"For the love of GOD, just shut up for a second!" Bri shrieked. It wasn't until he moved the couch pillow over his lap that I saw, for the second time today, he was sporting a boner.
"Really?" I asked. "Just from one kiss?"
"I don't know what's wrong with me," Bri said. He was staring at the wall several feet above my head. "Sure, I look at boobs, but I never kiss the owner of the boobs. You're messing with my head. I'm going all looney. My thoughts are all scrambled and...and..."
"Your breath was all minty," I mused. "How do you keep it minty when you were nibbling popcorn?"
"I place a high value on dental hygiene," Bri said. He slapped the side of his face. "That's not the point!"
"What did my mouth taste like?" I asked, suddenly curious. Bri clenched the pillow tighter.
"I am not going to answer that."
The movie was still playing, but I didn't care. Old Nick was a 'less talk, more action' type of guy. My girly self was enjoying the banter. I turned towards Bri, folding my legs so I was sitting Indian style.
"I wanna know," I said.
"Please," Bri pleaded. He was actually beginning to sweat. "Don't sit like that."
I looked down. "Why?"
For a second, Bri sounded like a boy in the midst of a voice change. "Because all I see is legs and a hint of pink--"
"Undies?" I said happily. "Yeah they have baby bunny ears on them. Aren't they cute?" I hitched up the nightie. Bri's face slammed into the couch, his teeth biting into the fabric.
"Was it something I said?" I asked. I straightened my legs and then went into a kneeling position. I crawled closer to him. I didn't realize that I was straddling the pillow and thus was straddling his lap.
"Talk to meeee!" I whined.
Every fiber in my body was tense as Nick rocked, whining, "Talk to meeeeee!" The pillow moved, rubbing against me, and my breath caught somewhere south of my throat and my heart was nearly at a stand still.
It kind of felt like a moment of truth had been reached... a crucible. One of two things had to happen right now. One, I lose all control and pin this goddess to the sofa and make wild love all night, or two, I needed to get distracted. And fast. I needed to pray. Recite Bible verses. Something, anything.
"Talk to meeeee!"
Nick bounced up and down. Boobs bounced. So-called va-jay-jays rubbed and all Biblical thoughts wooshed out my ear canal. I leapt forward, knocking Nick back onto the couch and sprang like a puma. My hands found Nick's hands and pinned them to the couch, fingers twining together, and my mouth started on Nick's neck, my body curled around the orb of baby-belly beneath me.
"Craaaaaap," Nick moaned, "This isn't talking..."
My mind wasn't working. It was the weirdest feeling because my mind was screaming that this was Nick and that I was cheating on Leighanne with a man and various other thoughts that should've stopped me. But my hands had wound themselves around Nick's back and were slowly working on the clasps of the bra - an art that I've never perfected - and my mindless sex spree wold've been carried a lot further if at that very moment my cell phone hadn't started ringing.
Baylee's sweet litte voice shouted out from my phone's ringtone. "Daddy! Mommy's calling you!! Daddy! Mommy's calling you!!"
"Bri--" Nick gasped, "Brian -- Leighanne is calling." Nick pushed me up. I rocked like a weeble on the sofa cushion in front of him, face soaked from my own saliva on Nick's neck. I stared at him. His hair was all bed-crazy and the bra was hanging half off him.... and my mind spiraled back into my head and I gasped.
"Shit." I stood up and grabbed my phone, as Baylee's voice continued to inform me it was my wife calling. I stared at Nick. "Shit!" I backed out of the room, "Shit. Shit. Shit."
I sprinted down the hall and answered the phone as I got to my bedroom. "Hello?" I gasped.
"Who the fuck is she?"
Leighanne's voice was artic. I swallowed. "Leighanne, I can explain--" I started, but she interrupted me.
"Explain?" she snapped, "Explain why you were in a Victoria Secret with another woman? A younger, pregnant woman?"
"Is that why you had to go to LA so badly?" she demanded, "Wrap up the album - bullshit..." her voice was ultrasonic. "Was it really because you knocked up some girl?"
I couldn't even breathe. "Leighanne the baby isn't mine," I stammered, "I- I-"
"You what Brian?" she snapped.
My mind whizzed. My mouth opened and closed, gaping like a fish, and breath escaped me. Words escaped me. Everything escaped me. How the hell could I explain this without sounding insane? I felt insane, I couldn't even imagine what it would sound like to Leighanne if I tried saying it outloud. "I - I -"
Suddenly, the phone was lifted out of my hand, away from my ear, from behind. I turned and Nick was standing there. "No-no-no-no," I grasped for the phone, but he jumped back and I missed, as he put it to his ear.
Now it was official. I was gonna be killed. Skinned and sold on eBay. I hoped a nice person bought me. Maybe put me in her BSB memorbilia room in front of a nice cozy fire. Maybe she wouldn't do anything too dirty to my skins...
"This is Nichole," Nick said. "I'm so sorry about what happened today... with Brian... after he's been so - so - so nice to me, too..." Nick's voice had become thick and watery. He looked at me and listened as Leighanne spoke. Then he said, "I met Brian at the hospital this morning... and I was tired and sick feeling and - and I didn't wanna go home, I was scared that my family would be mad at me... and..." Nick's eyes met mine, "And Brian has such a huge heart, he... he gave me a place to stay... and... and he's been helping me."
I stared, dumbfounded at Nick.
Only Nick could fabricate such a bullshit story in under a minute.
Then again, it wasn't really a fabrication, was it?
"I'm so sorry that he didn't get a chance to tell you. He's just been so kind and generous towards me..." Nick sighed, "He loves you so much..."
I lowered myself, shaking, onto the bed and ducked my head to my knees.
"Please don't be mad at him," Nick was concluding, "He's been nothing but a perfect gentleman."
I closed my eyes. That part was a lie.
But I hadn't told it.
Hopefully, Leighanne wouldn't ask me to verify the story Nick had just told her.
After a short conversation, during which Nick actually laughed a couple times, he handed me the phone. "Leighanne wants to talk to you," he said.
I stared up at him. 'Thank you', I mouthed.
"Don't mention it," he replied, and dropped my cell into my palm before turning and disappearing out the door.
"Hello?" I said again into the phone.
Leighanne's voice was honey-coated. "You are so sweet helping that poor girl out, Bri-bear," she said, all gooey like.
Nick's magic, apparently, had not disappeared with his penis.