What the hell are they doing? I said to myself. I pressed my ear against the door, my heart beating loudly. I had to pee again. The suspense was killing me.
"Hey Becky, long time to see!" J said loudly. My hand flew to my mouth and I bit down hard.
They let her IN?!
"I haven't heard from Nick," Bri said loudly. "He's in FLO-RI-DA." He pronounced it like Becky was hard of hearing and slow instead of just pukey and pregnant.
"How could he just leave me?" I heard her wail.
"I agree. Total jerk," J said. My eyes narrowed. I was going to kill him. I was going to grow my girly nails out and claw him.
The need to pee was getting bad. Real bad. I stepped away from the door and shifted from foot to foot. It was like the baby had flipped around and was head-banging on my chick-bladder. I puffed out my cheeks. If I just didn't think about it...
That plan epically failed. Becky must have run to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face. The sound of flowing water came through under the door. I let out a moan of agony just as the water was shut off.
"What was that?" Becky asked.
"What was what?" Brian asked.
"I heard something in your guest room."
"Oh, that? That isn't--"
"Bri, how rude of you! Why don't you introduce Becky to your houseguest?"
I was going to do more than murder AJ by the time this was all over. If I ever got my body back I was going to sit on him and choke him. I'd rough him up. I'd stuff him in my trunk for a few days. I'd--
The door swung open and the buffoon himself pulled a Vanna White, his arms held out towards me.
The first thing I noticed was how tired my Beckers looked. She was wearing a cute little yellow sundress that made her look like a daisy. I teared up at the same time she looked surprised.
"Hello," she said slowly. She glanced at Bri who was flapping fish lips and making no earthly sound.
"I'm Becky," she continued. "Who are you?"
I took her hand and sniffled. "I'm--"
"Tiffany!" Brian blurted. Becky's head swiveled. I stared at him in confusion.
"Yeah! This is...Tiffany! She's Leighanne's second cousin. Just like Kevin's my second cousin. Small world huh?" His head bounced up and down like a dashboard bobblehead.
I gaped at him. Becky turned and looked at me, dropping my hand. "Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you," I mumbled. "Um...excusemegottapee."
I slid awkwardly around her and headed to the bathroom. I could hear the three of them talking in the hall. I pressed my palm to my face. It was on fire.
"Tiffany's from...Humptulips!"
"Humptulips?" I heard J and Becky say at the exact same moment.
"Yeah. It's...it's in Washington. Small town."
"Humptulips," AJ said again. I just knew he was trying not to laugh.
I stalled for as long as possible in the bathroom while Brian rambled on about Humptulips and a made up baby-daddy named Ricky. I washed my hands and slowly opened the door. Becky looked at me.
"Brian was just telling us you're from Washington?" she asked. I nodded.
She motioned towards my stomach. "What are you having?"
"A baby," I said quietly. "I think."
J brought his arm up to his face and snorted. Bri looked like he was going to vomit. Becky laughed.
"You must get along well with Brian. You have his sense of humor."
I smiled weakly. "Yeah."
I thought I was off the hook. I thought I was safe. She was turning back to the living room when she paused again. She gave me a double take.
"You know..."
Bri fell back against the wall. AJ looked like he needed a box of raisinets and a tub of popcorn. I needed a Tums. I suddenly felt a bout of acid reflux. She tilted her head thoughtfully.
"Your eyes...it's so funny. They're the exact same as my husband's."
"R-r-really?" I squeaked.
"Yeah. It's not just the color or the shape. It's something else..."
It was then that I did the one thing that I have never done before.
I fainted.
One second he was standing there being awkwardly confronted by his wife, the next he was flat on his back on the floor. "Oh my God," Becky cried, leaping forward. The smirk on AJ's face wiped off and I rushed forward. Becky's hand flew up to push me away, "She needs some space, watch out," she demanded. Becky's hands moved swiftly over Nick, feeling the pulse in his neck. She bent down and pressed her ear to his chest - her cheek pressing against his breast and her round prego belly rubbing against his round prego belly.
It was like pregnant lesbian porn.
I whipped around and covered my eyes in one sharp motion. "Oh my Lord," I murmured, "I can't look at this." I squeezed my eyes shut. AJ snorted.
"Tiffany?" Becky was calling, "Tiffany? Wake up, honey."
"I love you," came Nick's girly voice in a gurgling mumble.
I turned back around to peek at what was happening.
Becky, still kneeling and leaning over Nick, had managed to wake him up and he'd blinked open his eyes and had murmured his devotion to his wife. Forgetting, evidently, that he, too, was a woman. Becky blinked in surprise, then her eyebrows stitched together, a confused, intrigued expression crawling onto her face. "....Nick?" she whispered.
Nick's eyes opened wide. For a moment, I thought he was gonna tell her everything. I thought for sure he was about to say Yes, Becky, it's me. Look what Nurse McToadyPants did to me and we were all going to laugh and Becky would find a way to contact her old colleague and we'd call it a day. Instead, after a long, quavering silence, in which AJ and I were both frozen stock-still behind Becky, waiting for Nick to utter the words, he finally squeaked, "What?"
Becky, given the moment to realize the absurdity of what she was saying, responded, "Nothing, I'm sorry Tiffany... It's just... your eyes."
Becky stood up and pulled "Tiffany" up with her. AJ rushed forward to brace Nick's back as he struggled around his extremely obtrusive belly. I would've helped, but I was too shocked. I stood frozen to my spot, my mouth still flapping fishy-like. "I gotta pee," Nick stammered, and as soon as Becky had let go of his wrist, he made for the bathroom like there was a jet pack strapped to his buttox.
Once he was gone and the door had closed, Becky turned to me. "Don't you see it? The eyes?"
"N-no," I stammered.
AJ shook his head, "Nick's eyes are way sexier than Tiff's."
Becky and I both looked at AJ. Even for AJ, the statement was a little odd. Particularly considering he was saying Nick's eyes were sexier than a woman's. Wait. No, not a woman. Nick. He was saying Nick's eyes were sexier than Nick's--- wait. Oh what ever. It was a stare-worthy statement at anyrate.
"What?" AJ said, realizing why we were staring at him. He shrugged. "Straight guy can't notice?" he asked.
Becky shook her head, as though to get the thought out of her brain, and turned to me, dismissing AJ and his awkwardly homosexual tendencies. Not that I was one to talk. AJ was just noticing. I was sucking, feeling and trying to sex him up.
It didn't count if he was a woman, though, right?
Oh Lord, I need to pray. A lot.
Becky sighed, "You haven't heard from him... at all?" she teared up.
"N-no," I stammered. She must be starting to think all I could do was stammer no, I thought.
Becky frowned. "Brian... You'd tell me if - if -" she gulped air, "You'd tell me if he was leaving me, right?"
Oh God.
"Of course," I said.
"And if he was cheating...?"
AJ looked at me with a haughty, smirky little look on his face. God damn him, I thought, If he gives this away... If he tells her about me and Nick...
"Of course I would," I choked.
Becky looked unconvinced.
"Really," I added. "I would." This time, my voice was more firm, more level. "Becky, I swear to you if Nick was cheating on you and I knew I would tell you." I stepped forward, unsure where my sudden level headedness was coming from, and grabbed her hand. "I will tell you if anything like that comes up. I promise."
Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm so worried," she whispered.
"I know..."
"He could be dead somewhere, I don't know," she started sobbing.
I hate it when women cry.
