"Nick?" Bri's voice called from the other side of the bathroom door.
"NOT NOW!" I yelled.
I was standing in front of his bathroom mirror, buck-ass naked...
And I was disappointed.
No one had told me, or maybe Becky did and I just wasn't listening, how dark and swollen pregnant boobs get. They weren't the creamy things that I loved to bury my head into and make fish-lips on. I mean they were creamy, but they also looked baby-fied. It wasn't that they weren't nice, because of course all boobs are nice. They just weren't as nice as others I had seen. They weren't made for man. They were made for crying, wiggling little dudes. Or dudettes.
It didn't help matters that the moment I had seen them reflected in the mirror I realized that my Becky's girls were going to start looking the same way.
"Nick?"
Bri's voice was irritating me. I was getting ready to cry. This was stressful. I couldn't handle stress. I knew I shouldn't cry over boobs, but I couldn't help it. I turned to the side and looked at my profile. I grabbed another handful. It wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be. It was less than fun. It was de-fun. I sniffled.
"Go away!"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm ugly!"
There was a long pause. "Well, um..."
"See! You know I'm ugly and you just can't say it!" I wailed. "You...you...pig!"
"Pig? No, wait! I don't think you're ugly! In fact, you're very pretty."
"You're just saying that!"
"No, really. I'm..."
I turned away from the mirror and opened the door just a crack. I pressed an eye to the small space I had created. Bri had his hand on the door, his head lowered. He turned and looked at me.
"Hi," he said stupidly.
"I'm pretty?" I asked in a small voice. Bri's face turned tomato red.
"I so can't have this conversation with you."
I felt a big tear fall from my eye. Bri looked panicked.
"Please," he begged. "I can't stand to see girls cry."
"If this had to happen to me," I whimpered. "I wanted to at least be a hot chick."
And with that I slammed the door again. I sank down on the toilet, my bare ass instantly freezing on the cold seat. I was unrolling some toilet paper to sop up my face, when I heard Bri start to mutter. "This is ridiculous. This can't be happening to me."
I gasped. The next thing I knew I was back on my feet and yanking the door open.
"Excuse me? This can't be happening to you? What exactly is happening to you?"
I blinked.
I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them again.
Yup. Still there.
"Why... why are you.. are you..." I stammered, my shaking finger pointing at- at- I dunno, Nick? But not Nick. Not even close to the nekkid-Nick I'd seen in prior years. Not even remotely close.
Nick looked down. "What? Grossing you out with my disgusting body? Don't look so grossed out, you- you-" he turned and although the gorgeous baby-ready boobs had disappeared from view, the moon that he gave me wasn't a bad sight, either. I gasped. "Stop it! Stop it you're making me feel all.. all.. ugly.. and..." He whimpered.
"You aren't ugly," I stammered, "Stop that."
"Stop thinking I am, then," he cried.
“Nick..." I whispered, “You’re…” I swallowed every ounce of pride I had left. “You’re sexy,” I whispered, “So stop.”
He turned his head to look over his shoulder at me. “Really?” he squeaked.
“Yeah-huh,” I nodded dumbly.
“Really-really, Brian?” he asked, turning a little bit more.
I now had a lovely side view. I swallowed once more. “Uh-huh,” I nodded again, still dumb.
A smile broke across his face and – without any warning – he sprang across the bathroom, arms spread wide, and jumped on me. Those squishy-squashy boobs pressed into my chest and I stumbled backwards from the weight and force of him, slamming into the door. It closed and his arms wrapped around my neck. I closed my eyes.
If Leighanne could see me right about now… I’d be a dead man.
“Oh Brian I’m so glad you don’t think I’m ugly!” he wailed loudly.
“Will you stop it?” I pleaded, “Please? Get offa me…” I started to push him off me but my hands connected with the very last thing I wanted to touch on him (her?). I drew back my hands quickly, sticking them up over my head. “Oh Lordy,” I groaned.
“Ohhh wow,” he moaned, jumping back. His eyes were wide. “Holy cow, no wonder girls like that.” He looked like a chihuahua dog, the way his eyes were bugging. “That was incredible.”He looked down at his chest. I covered my eyes. “Do it again?” he begged.
“NO!” I yelled, “Go away!” I blindly turned around and felt the door for the knob, “You’re sick. You know that? You know how twisted and sick and –“ I couldn’t find the knob. I started to panic. “Where the HELL is the door knob?” I snapped, getting frustrated enough to actually say hell instead of spell it like I usually did.
I felt Nick lean around me and grab the knob. The door opened and I fled into the hallway. But I wasn’t alone. He followed after me. “Brian wait,” he begged. “Please, this isn’t all that weird, is it really?”
“Stop it!” I yelled, “Go away!” I squinted enough to make it to my bedroom and pushed the door opened and slammed it shut before he could follow me in, twisting the lock Leighanne and I employed when we wanted some private mommy and daddy time, so Baylee wouldn’t see more than he needed to. I stood in the center of my bedroom, my hands shaking. “Shit,” I muttered. I turned to my nightstand and started fishing for the pills the nurse had given me that morning until my prescription could be fulfilled.
Stress was gonna kill me, I swear to God…
“Briiii-iiiaan,” Nick called through the door, “C’mon, can’t we talk about this?”
“Put clothing on, you freaking exhibitionist,” I retorted. I found the bottle of anti-anxiety meds and twisted the cap open. In my haste, I dropped the bottle and the pills spilled every which way. “Shit,” I groaned again, dropping to my hands and knees to collect the medication from the floor.
“Brian, please,” Nick’s voice was watery and tearful again. “This isn’t fun for me, either you know.”
“You wouldn’t know it the way you’re acting,” I responded, “Asking me to rub you… Good Lord, Nick, what the hell are you thinking? I mean –“ I stopped mid-sentence, though because I’d just cut my hand. I’d reached under the bed and caught it on a nail that stuck up kind of awkwardly from the hardwood flooring. That was why we’d put the bed in that corner of the room to begin with. Blood was traveling down my palm to my wrist.
Like I needed something more to go wrong.
I struggled to my feet and opened the door. Nick was standing in the hall, clutching a towel to his feminine chest. “’scuse me,” I muttered, pushing by him, holding my palm aloft.
He glanced at my palm. “Oh my God,” he muttered in a tone so like Leighanne talking to Balyee, “Is that blood?”
“Yeah.” I made my way back towards the bathroom. The bathroom, the site of the weirdest happenings in my entire life, was quickly becoming my least favorite room in the apartment. Nick pranced along behind me.
“Brian you’re bleeding everywhere,” Nick said. He grabbed my hand and disengaged the towel from his chest, wrapping it gently around my palm. “C’mon.” He led me into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, dropping my palm into the water. I winced. “Don’t,” he said, pulilng my palm back into the stream, “Let the blood wash way.” He turned away and started tugging on the sweats and t-shirt I’d given him to wear to the hospital earlier. “Sorry about being all.. .you know… naked and horny and stuff,” he muttered.
“It’s okay,” I muttered back.
Nick came back and pulled my palm out from the stream of water and stared at my hand. “It’s not bad enough to get stitches,” he said quietly. “Do you got a first aid kit?”
“With you around? Of course.” I kicked the under-the-sink cabinet. “In there.”
Nick knelt down and opened the cabinet door and fished around inside. When he turned to stand up, he was face-to-crotch with me and he snorted. “Brian,” he giggled, “Did I cause that?”
I looked down.
“Shut up.”
Nick grinned. “I really am sexy, huh?” he stood up, eyes glittering.
“I said shut up,” I said.
Nick’s face glowed proudly as he opened the first aid kit and started administering the bandages and Neosporin to my hand. “I can’t believe I gave you a boner,” he hissed.
“Dude, I said shut up,” I repeated for the third time.
Nick grinned. “It’s okay, Brok,” he said, “I still love ya.”
He was really lucky he was a girl or else I’d have to hit him.
