AJ’s Point of View

I heard the slamming of a door. I knew which way I was going. Leah was hiding in her bedroom. I knocked on the door.

“Go away!”

“Leah let me in. I want to talk to you.” I told her through the door.

“I don’t want to listen to anything you got to say.” She yelled. Leah was upset and her temper was coming out.

“I’m going to talk anyways. I want you to listen to everything I have to say.” I hesitated and sat on the floor. “Leah from the beginning loving you has never been easy. We started off a relationship with you being pregnant. That was a lot to take in and all we did was fight.  It took time for us to love one another, but I know I loved you that first day in elevator. Something about you just captured my heart.”

“J, were not having this conversation. I don’t want to take a walk down memory lane. I’m living in the present and so should you.”

“Leah, I’m trying to explain something to you, so shut up.” I was getting angry. “Finally things started working between us. We were getting along and almost a family. I was happy. Leah, I had a ring and was ready to propose to you. I wanted you as my wife.”

“What?” She opened the door and I fell backward into the room. “When the hell was this?”

“It was around the time you decide to fuck Nick?”  She stared at me with her brown eyes. “Yes, I knew all along what was going on.”

Leah looked unsure about the whole situation. Years ago, hell a month ago I was pissed about it. Now, I was ready to move on. What was done was done. I couldn’t change the past, I could only move on to the future.

“AJ, I’m so sorry.” Guilt was layered all over her face. “I never meant for it to happen. It was the one of the biggest mistakes in my life I was so screwed up back then.”

“It’s all in the past. I’m over it.” I walked over to her.

“No, do you know how much therapy I went through to get my shit together Age? “ I shook my head. “Everything was going good for us. I was scared because it was to perfect. Nothing in my life was ever perfect. That frightened me. My own parents thought I was a screw up, so why change. So, when the opportunity arose I took it.”

“Why didn’t you just talk to me about it?”

“AJ, from the beginning our relationship was based on sex.  I didn’t know any better than to let sex define who I was. The only time I had a feeling of worth was when I was fucking someone. How horrible was that?” Tears were falling down Leah’s face.

“Aww, Leah. I loved you for more than that. We always had so much fun together. I didn’t love you just because we had sex. It was so much more.  I loved when we would just sit on the porch and talk about whatever we were thinking about.” It saddened me to think that she saw herself as an object of lust instead of the beautiful person she was.

“I got scared realizing that you actually loved me. I’m not saying that I was justified in sleeping with Nick, but at the time that’s what was going on in my head.” She walked over to the window. It was dark outside. “Then we started fighting and it was easier to just fight instead of work things out.”

“I was so pissed, but I was just as bad because I wouldn’t confront you about it. I pretended like it never happened because I didn’t want to lose you. I started drinking to forget all the pain I was feeling.” I explained to her. We both needed to know the truth. I stepped behind her and placed my arms around her.

“What a bunch of fuckups we were. When I left you I end up going to counseling for sex addiction. It helped me realize that sex wasn’t the answer to my problems. Hell, I’m still seeing my therapist twice a week.” She turned around and searched my eyes.

“I feel better getting all of this off my chest. I’m sure you do, too.”

“It makes me understand our relationship better.”

“Do you think things would have been different if we were honest with each other back then?” I needed to know. Telling each other the truth only made me love her more. It helped me understand some of what happened in the past.

“Maybe. I can’t play the what if game. Things happen in our life for a reason. Maybe we aren’t supposed to be together. Maybe our goal was to have Eden so she can make a difference in the world.” She moved away from me and sat on the bed.

“How can you love me and Brian?” I needed to know. It was eating me up inside.

“Age, I never feel out of love with you. That’s why I stayed away from you all these years. One look from you and I knew I would be back under your spell. This summer has proven that I’m hooked on you. AJ, you just do something to me.”

“What about Brian?” I needed to know what to do to breakthrough past Brian. I didn’t get what she saw in him. They were so different from each other.

“Brian is sweet, caring and kind despite the shit Leighanne put him through. None of you know the full truth, but she was an evil manipulative bitch. What I did to you was nothing compare to what she did to Brian.”

“Why wouldn’t he tell us?”

“He was ashamed. She raked him through the coals. When Brian and I started dating it was different from what I had with you. You were wild, spontaneous, and free spirited. Brian was safe, comfortable and consistent. At that time it my life that was what I was craving. I wanted to predictable life. It was good for Eden to have things be stable.”

I didn’t like the fact that she wanted the very opposite of myself.  I had matured since then. Sure I was all those things she said, but I was also sensitive, romantic, dependable, and so much more. I had settled down a lot from my partying days. I had to show her I was the kind of man she wanted.    

“What do you want now?” I kneeled down in front of her, taking her hands in mine.

“I want the best of both worlds.” She was shaking. “I know that’s impossible. I can’t have you both. No matter what I’m going to hurt one of the men I love.”

“Leah, you have to think about whom you see yourself with for the rest of your life. I know it’s not easy. Give me this week to show you how much I love you. I’ve changed for the better and I want you to see that. If you don’t like what you see, then you can pick Brian. Just give me a chance.” I kissed her hand.

“I’ll give you a chance.” She smiled at me.