Chapter 10

            Chelsea quickly wiped the tears away from her face as her and Kevin stopped at a large wooden door.  She took a deep breath as the words Kevin had said to her seconds ago played over in her head.

“He’s on a ventilator; you know what that is right?” He asked her as they stood by the nurse’s station.  She closed her eyes and nodded.  “His eyes are bruised from the broken nose and his head is wrapped in a bandage because of the surgery to release the pressure on his brain.” Chelsea closed her eyes tighter as she remembered Kevin telling her he was in surgery before they left for the airport.  “I want you to be prepared to see him.” It was the last thing Kevin said to her before they walked down the hall and arrived at this point, outside of AJ’s hospital door.

“Ready?” Kevin asked her as his arm wrapped over her shoulder gently.  All she could do was nod, she wasn’t even sure if she was breathing.  Kevin opened the door and the sounds of the room jolted into her ears. 

The beeping of the heart monitor, the whooshing of the ventilator as it pushed air into AJ’s lungs, and hundreds of other sounds from all the monitors in his room.  Staring at Kevin’s back her vision was tunneled and then he stepped to his left.

Her stomach twisted as she saw him lying there.  His arms lying at his side, a plastic shell over his finger on his left hand, small plastic tubes draped down from their bags into the back of his right and left hands.  His chest went up as the black plastic accordion pushed down, she watched as his chest went back down as the accordion tube pulled up sealing it to the top.

“Kevin” Chelsea whispered as she swallowed quickly fighting to keep her stomach down.  He wrapped his arm around her, giving her something to lean on.

“The doctor said that he probably can hear people around him, why don’t you go over and talk to him.” He said as she looked up at him.

“He’s in a coma.” She said as the last word didn’t help her stomach.

“It’s medical induced to make sure the swelling goes down.” Kevin said comforting her.  “His doctor said they’ll probably wake him tomorrow.”

“Where’s his Mom?” She asked as she wiped her eyes.

“She went to get something to eat.” He told her.  “Go sit by him, I’ll be outside.”

Chelsea lightly nodded as Kevin gave her a hug and then left the room.  Taking a deep breath her eyes locked on him.  She fought back the tears as she stared at him, waiting for his eyes to open.

“Come here darlin’” She heard his voice in her mind.  She pictured herself walking over to him as he lifted his arms and she leaned slowly into them.  The sound of people running past his door broke her from the little day dream and reality came crashing back to her.

At first her body wouldn’t move, wouldn’t let her take a step towards his bed.  With a soft moan she pushed her body to obey and slowly she walked up to the end of his bed.  The blanket came up to his waist, a hospital gown covering his chest, and by the looks of all the wires going into the neck of his gown; it hid all of the monitor pads. 

She started walking again along the side of his bed.  Her hand wanted to touch him but her brain told her no, she might pull out a tube, or make him sick.  A whimper broke from her lips as her eyes looked at his face.  His eyes blackened from his broken nose, which was swollen.  Chelsea tried to pull her eyes away from the tube coming from his mouth but she couldn’t.  She wanted to kiss his lips and tell him it would be ok, but she couldn’t. 

Covering her mouth almost like she didn’t want him to hear her cry, she let her pain and anger out.  Her mind raced with her thoughts of what he was going through, did he feel anything, can he really hear her, does he know she’s there.  Her hand reached out and touched his arm, her fingers gently brushed along his mask tattoo.  Slowly she sat down in the old seventy style orange chair.

“I’m here.” She whispered and she waited for him to say something but he didn’t.  “I..I..” She stuttered.  “I…I’m ok, I..I just need you to be ok.”  Chelsea sniffed and wiped her eyes. Looking at the ceiling she lightly laughed.  “Kevin’s already driving me nuts asking if I’m ok every two minutes. So I need you to wake up soon and tell him to back off.”  She looked in his eyes, well if they were open.  “Please be ok Alex, I can’t do this without you, I can’t look forward to anything if you’re not there, I don’t want to if you’re not there, I need you, I need to you keep me safe, I need you to remind me what love is, show me what love is, show me I can be loved again.”

“You are loved sweetheart.” A voice said from beside her and she jumped.  Chelsea looked up and saw Denise standing at the door; she hadn’t even heard his Mom walk into the room.  “The Richardson’s love you very much and I know Kevin’s brothers are acting like jerks somewhat but they love you, they worry about you and they only want what is best for you.”

“What they think is best for me, not what I think.” Chelsea said correcting her.

“That’s the thing about family; if they care too much they become blinded and only see one way to go.” Denise said as she looked at AJ.  “When someone you love is in pain you want to make them better, and because you think they are in pain, you think they can’t help themselves.  But they can and if you give them time they will.  The boys just need to see that, and you know what?” Denise said as Chelsea looked up at her.  “If they give you a hard time right now, you send them to me, and I’ll set them straight.”  Chelsea was a little shocked Denise was usually very defensive of her, especially when she was on tour with them. 

“Most of the girls, not all I will admit, but most of the girls my son dated, even the ones he almost married, never understood our relationship.  It’s been him and I for so long it was hard to adjust to sharing him, and I just don’t mean with his girlfriends, I have to share him with millions of girls around the world.” She explained.  “I had to fight for my time with him and he made it harder because he wanted to be loved by someone else so bad.  I’m still learning to trust that he won’t shut me out again, I guess whenever he meets another girl I fall into old habits.”

Denise took a deep breath.  “I know you would never take him away from me because you know what it is like to lose a parent, you love him and you would never want him to know that pain.” She said a tear dripped down her cheek.  “So, I hope you give me a chance, a chance to get over the old habits.”  Chelsea lightly smiled and nodded, she really didn’t know what to say.

“When did you get in?” Denise asked after a moment.

“About an hour ago, we came right here.” Chelsea said as she wiped her eyes again.

“Why don’t you go and get something to eat and shower, they’re going to do a cat scan in a couple of hours, if all signs are good they’re going to wake him up, you can come back and be a little more relaxed.”

“No, no I don’t wanna leave him.” Chelsea said as he eyes went to the tube in his mouth again.

            “Chelsea, if he was awake he’d tell you the same thing, you have to take care of yourself, he wouldn’t want you having an episode from this.” Denise told her.  Chelsea took a deep breath, she knew Denise was right, but she still didn’t want to leave.

“Alright.” She said with a light nod.

“I’ll call if there’s any update.” Denise said as Chelsea stood up.  For the first time the two ladies hugged and then Chelsea left to get Kevin.  He was standing outside of the waiting room talking to Kristin and his Mom when she walked up to them.

“Everything ok?” Kevin asked as he looked down towards AJ’s room.

“Yeah, Denise wants me to get something to eat, change into some fresh clothes.” Chelsea said quietly.

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want too.” Kevin said and she heard the defensiveness in his tone.

“its fine Kevin, she’s right, I need to eat, I haven’t slept at all and I don’t plan to until I know he’s awake.  So I need to eat.” She lightly sighed.

“Alright then let’s go so we can get back.” Kevin said to everyone with a nod.

The image of AJ lying on the bed, his swollen and bruised face, how robotic his breathing was, even the sound of the ventilator ringed in her ears as she stared out the window.  When she came here she didn’t know what she was going to do, how she was going to act, and she tried her hardest to keep from freaking out.  She knew like Denise said, he wouldn’t want her having an episode because of this but she wondered how she would get through this without him.

Chelsea rolled her eyes as she broke her stare from the car window. She had to do this without him, she had to show everyone that she was strong enough to take care of herself, keep herself relaxed so she could handle the stress that was being thrown at her alone.  Her eyes drifted to Kevin’s image in the rearview mirror, she thought about his brothers. 

Her Alex was lying in a coma; she almost lost him, never mind him losing her.  For the first time she got a small glimpse of what he must have felt when he heard she was dead.  The pain of your heart breaking, a hole replacing the love that was once there, wondering, wanting to feel that way one more time but knowing it would never be with him, in his case with her. 

“Chels?” Kevin said and it broke her from her thoughts and she realized she was still staring at him.  His eyes darted to the front window then back on her.   “You ok?”

“Yeah, fine, sorry was just thinking.” She said looking back out the window.

When they arrived at Kevin’s house, she helped Kevin bring all the travel bags inside the house and then she took her bag and headed upstairs.  Pulling her bag behind her she entered the room she had stayed in the last time she was here, for AJ’s solo show.  She put her bag on the bed and slowly opened it.  She shifted through the clothes looking for something new to wear, something comfortable because she was going to be sitting in his room for a while. When she had decided on the right outfit she gathered everything in her arms and headed into the bathroom.  Grabbing a towel she hung it by the shower doors and turned on the water.

Chelsea let the water fall down her as she tried to relax from the events that had happened in the past 24 hours but it was no use because every time she closed her eyes she saw him, lying there, his chest going up and down, up and down.  If it wasn’t for the fact she had to cover her mouth so the worry ears outside wouldn’t hear her crying, she wouldn’t even know she was.  That was the thing about showers it washed the tears away. 

“You are weak and pathetic, no one wanted you, she didn’t love you she felt sorry for you.” Chelsea gasped a little as her fathers voiced echoed into her mind. She shook the words she had heard so many times out of her head, she took a deep breath and composed herself.

She let the shower run longer than she normally would, it was the only alone time she knew she would get.  No one asking her if she was ok, no beeps, no whooshing, just the water and her.  When she wiped the fog off the mirror she frowned, her eyes were red and a little puffy. 

Drying herself off she got dressed and left the bathroom, walking her way to her bedroom.  She dropped her towel on the floor and slowly slid across the bed stretching out.  Closing her eyes she thought about resting for a moment.  She had a little bit before she needed to be back, maybe a little nap wouldn’t be so bad.