I laid back on my huge sofa and soaked in the panoramic view of New York City.  I was completely exhausted and was enjoying the quiet of the evening.  It had been three weeks since we had told Jackson that Nick was his father.  It went far better than I could ever have hoped.  I could only describe the look on Jackson’s face as what you would see on a child’s face on Christmas morning times a thousand.  There was an instant bond, and I felt instantly guilty.  More so than I have ever felt over the years, but I was taking Judge Powell’s words in stride and moving forward and not dwelling on the past.  I would deal with it in my own way.

It tugged at my heart to see Nick and Jack developing a bond.  Nick had flown in several times over the last three weeks and spent several hours per day with Jackson.  For the most part, Meg went with them,  however, she had the night off tonight so Nick had taken Jack by himself down to Times Square to see the Lion King.  I also had heard him mention going to Toys R Us on the way out.  I was sure they’d come back with a lot of packages.  I smiled to myself.  My apartment was big, but not that big.  I hoped Nick would be able to say no.  Jackson could be very convincing when he wanted to be.  Nick and I had not spoken a lot.  There was still some tension in the air.  He hadn’t mentioned Lauren, so I didn’t know what was going on with that.  I was struggling within myself trying to figure out why I even cared.   But I did on some level.  I guess it was only natural to want a family for your children.  But that was a long way off for Nick and I, if it would ever happen.

The buzzing of the doorbell snapped me out of my thoughts.  I got up off the couch and went over to open the door.  It was obviously someone I knew, or the doorman wouldn’t have let them come up without ringing me.

“Hi Mom,” Jackson whizzed past me as I opened the door.  Nick followed behind him.  If I didn’t know any better, he looked a bit exhausted.  He looked at me tentatively and I motioned for him to come in.

“I hope you don’t mind, the doorman let me up because he obviously knows Jackson,” Nick explained.

“Of course, I don’t mind.  Would you like something to drink?” I asked Nick.  I did feel a little awkward.  I didn’t know what to say, and I hadn’t really talked to Melanie about what I should and shouldn’t say to Nick in regards to the case.  I could only hope we were at a point where that wouldn’t matter.  However, you never know.

“Did you guys have fun tonight?” I asked them both. 

“Mom….Mommy, Dad bought me the Lego Death Star!  They’re delivering it tomorrow.” I looked at Nick. 

“Isn’t that thing 3 feet in diameter?” I asked him through clenched teeth.

He smiled apologetically.  “If he can keep it here for awhile until he comes out to Tennessee for a visit, I would appreciate it.  There’s a lot more room out there.”

“That’s not a problem, Nick – but who’s going to help him build it?” I asked with a slight smile on my face.  “I design clothes, I don’t have a contractor’s license.”

He laughed.  “I hadn’t thought about that…” He said.

“Rookie mistake,” I muttered sarcastically.  “We’ll see what we can do.”

“Dad,” Jackson came running in from the hallway and grabbed Nick’s hand.  “Can you put me to bed?” Nick looked at me questioningly.

“That’s up to your mom, little dude” he said as Jackson looked at me with his best puppy dog eyes.

I hoped I didn’t regret this.  “Okay, fine but only one book tonight.”

“THREE!” Jackson countered.  My kid was going to be a lawyer, I laughed to myself.

“Two and that’s the final offer!” I said as Jackson dragged Nick back to his room.  Nick looked at me and silently muttered ‘thank you.’ as Jackson pulled him back to his bedroom. 

I sat back down on the couch and picked up my laptop to answer some work emails.  It was getting harder and harder to stay awake at night because I was getting so exhausted with the pregnancy.  My first pregnancy was so easy, but I guess being 8 years older was taking its toll on me.  I leaned my head back to rest my eyes.

The next thing I knew, I heard Nick whispering and gently shaking my shoulder.

“Whitney….” He said softly.  “You must have fallen asleep.”  I looked at the clock on my laptop.  It was a little after 11:00 o’clock.

“You’ve been here two hours…” I looked at him puzzled.

“I kind of fell asleep too,” Nick confessed.  “I was reading a story to Jackson and the next thing I knew, I looked over and the clock said eleven o’clock.  I’ll admit, he kind of tired me out…”

I laughed softly.  “He can do that.” I agreed.  I started to stand up.  “I’ll walk you out.”   Nick instinctively offered me his hand.  I looked up to him and took it.

I opened my mouth to say something and Nick began speaking at the same time.   He motioned to me to talk first.

“Nick, I just want you to know, I’m so sorry about everything.  I really am. If Melanie knew I was saying all this to you right now, she’d probably kill me, but I need to say it.  I feel horrible that I kept Jackson from you.  There was so many times I wanted to call you, but I talked myself out of it everytime, for different reasons.  There were the obvious reasons in the beginning, but now I should admit that some of it came from the fact that I wanted to punish you so bad for what you did to me with Pa…with her.  Then it just reached a point that I felt too much time had gone by.  I didn’t know how you would react, and I…I just didn’t know.  Then he got sick and the whole thing changed…” I trailed off.

Nick sat there silent for a few minutes.  Neither one of us speaking.  I didn’t know what he was thinking and his face was unreadable.  “It would be really easy to blame you too, Whitney, but a lot of this is my fault too.  I was out of control back then.  That summer I met you, I felt like you saved me.  I tried to say no, to Paris…I did, but I was so weak – I’ve wondered so many times over the years where I would be, if I hadn’t of done what I did…”

“There’s no way to know, Nick.  Like the Judge said, we just need to move forward.  We can’t think about the past.  I was so young…” I said.

“I was so stupid,” Nick countered.

The conversation was starting to get a little heavy for my tastes.  I shifted gears.  “How long are you in town for this time?” I asked him.

“Until Sunday, I’d like to have Jackson on Saturday if that’s alright.” He started towards the door.

“Of course,” I nodded.  “Meg is off Saturday’s and Sunday’s of course.  So it will be just you two again, if you can handle it.” I winked at him.

“I think I’m game…” he smiled.  “By the way, how’s the other little one….” He said nodding at my stomach. 

I reached up and placed my hand on my stomach.  “We’re right at sixteen weeks,” I answered him.  “ A couple more weeks and I can find out what we’re…I’m…having” I stammered awkwardly.

Nick looked at me seriously.  “Whatever the lawyers want to say, we both know that’s my baby.” I nodded silently.  He reached over very softly and touched my stomach.  “I’ll be there for this one.” He said looking me in my eyes.

“It’s getting late, Nick…” I said as he reached for the door.   I stood there silently not knowing what to do.  He didn’t seem to want to leave.  Finally he reached for me and pulled me into an awkward hug.  Awkward at first, because as soon as he enveloped me in his arms, I allowed myself to relax for the first time in weeks.  I let out a deep breath.

“This feels right,” Nick whispered softly in my ear.  I allowed my arms to wrap around his waist and melted into him as I closed my eyes.  I escaped from life for a few moments.  Pulling  back, Nick looked down at me as he reached up to stroke my cheek.

“We’ll figure this out, Whitney,” he whispered as I lowered my forehead to rest on his chest.  He kissed the top of my head.  I looked up into his eyes as his lips began to descend on mine.  As my heart leapt into my throat, we were interrupted by the vibrating iphone in Nick’s pocket.  As he pulled it out, I saw the name clearly on the caller ID.  LAUREN. 

I pulled back from Nick’s arms as he hit decline on the phone, sending it to voice mail.  “We’ll see you Saturday,” I said to him as I reached for the doorknob, opening it for him.

“Yeah,” he said running his hand over his face, clearly frustrated.  At what, I didn’t know.  “I’ll call you to give you a better idea of the time.”

“Good night,” I said as I shut the door.  I made my way into my bedroom and crawled into my the massive, lonely king size bed.  Pulling the covers up around me, I drifted off into a fitful sleep, completely confused, utterly exhausted and surprisingly hopeful.