By seven o'clock the next morning, Nick and Bree were in the car on the freeway in Los Angeles. Nick had dug up the map that he, Brian and Amanda had used the first time they'd done this and re-Google-mapped the roadways.
A lot had changed, the routes were slightly different than they'd been before, but he was pleased to see that a lot of the destinations were still there - including Lost Paddle River Adventures in Colorado, which he'd made an alarm notification on his cell phone reminding him to call them at lunch time to confirm they were still in existence. He'd laughed to himself when he found, folded into the box of random pictures and momentos from the trip, some vouchers that Pat - their over zealous leader - had given them since Brian had fallen into the water. Nick wondered if the vouchers ever expired...
One major change was the fact that they were departing in Nick's car, rather than the tour bus as they'd done last time. The tour bus was long since retired, probably a piece of scrap metal in some bus graveyard by now, and because they were leaving so hastily - and on a Sunday no less - there was no chance of getting an RV to travel in. Thus, they were kicking it old school. Nick's car was obviously more than slightly less comfortable than the bus had been, but the excitement that radiated from Bree alone was going to make the trip completely worth the backaches that Nick's not-so-young-anymore body would have to endure from a couple nights in the driver's seat.
"This is so freaking cool," Bree's voice danced in excitement as Nick clicked on his directional and merged into traffic southbound toward Arizona. "Oh my God," she giggled, obviously the thrill of the moment going straight to her head, "I can't believe this, I can't believe it." She looked at Nick, her eyes wide and wild, "I've always wanted to do this. I can't believe we're doing this."
Nick smiled. Her enthusiasm reminded him of Brian's as they'd pulled out. 'I swear I'm not going to sleep the entire time we're driving! I'm that excited!' Brian had insisted. Nick had laughed when he'd found him sleeping in the back of the bus less than an hour out of Los Angeles, where they'd started off.
Bree tucked her feet into a cross-legged pretzel fold and fidgeted with her seatbelt. She grinned over at Nick, feeling a rush of gratitude well up in her chest. She wanted to lunge across the car and wrap her arms around his neck and kiss his cheeks for rescuing her from the hell she'd been going through. So much had changed in her life in a swift 72-hour period and she could barely keep up with it mentally. She'd pinched her arm like seventeen times before they'd left that morning, just to make sure she wasn't asleep and dreaming all of it. It was far too good to be true, she'd thought to herself.
"I can't believe my mom said this was okay," Bree laughed, "She never lets me do anything. Ever."
Nick nodded, staying silent.
"You sure told her," Bree said admirantly. "It was like giving her the ol' one-two!"
Nick laughed, though he felt a bit uncomfortable. He hadn't told Bree that Leighanne had wanted him to send her home. He wasn't planning to. He'd insisted they take off early that morning - just so that Leighanne wouldn't call and get pissed that he hadn't listened. He held onto the wheel a bit tighter. "It's gonna be worth it," he said outloud.
Bree didn't catch that the words were a bit disjointed of a reply - she didn't notice that Nick was answering the dilemma of Leighanne's anger in his head with his words. She just thought that yeah, it was worth anything - whatever "it" was.
When they crossed the line going into Arizona, Nick turned into a gas station and told Bree he had to use the bathroom. He gave her a couple bucks to buy snacks and drinks in the store, and darted for a bay of porta-potties along the far edge of the parking lot. He pulled his cell out of his pocket and ducked behind the smelly green facilities, and quickly placed a call to his probation officer.
"I'm in Arizona," he said.
"Arizona?" the officer's voice had peaked with confusion and a little bit of nerves. "What in the blazes are ya doing there?"
"I have to drive my --" Nick hesitated ever so slightly, "I have to drive my niece home to Atlanta," he restarted.
"Can't she fly?"
Nick's mind raced. "Erm. No..."
"Why not?" The officer asked.
"She's uh pregnant." Nick kicked a rock. Bree was so far from pregnant it was ridiculous, she was skinny as a rail. He peeked around the porta-potties. He could see her through the window of the store looking at a rack of potato chips. He hoped she picked barbeque ones.
"How long this trip gonna take?" his officer asked, a twang to his voice that appeared when he became irritated.
Nick shrugged, "I dunno. Less than two weeks."
"Less than --" The officer grumbled the rest of the words, clearly not pleased. "You best be calling me every chance you get," he warned. "I want to know where you are every single step of the way. If I don't hear from you within a 24-hour period you will be in violation with your probation."
"Yes sir."
"You'll be facing automatic jail time if you stand in violation, just so you're aware. No court's going to buy into your cell phone reception being out or anything like that for an excuse, neither. So you best make sure I hear from you."
"Yes sir."
He couldn't help but feel a bit like a heel for not telling Bree he'd had to call his probation officer. He imagined that he knew a bit of what Amanda had felt like the first time they'd done all this, when she'd had to sneak around calling up Eric, her father slash editor at Pop Stuff Online, and lie to him about it - before he knew she was a reporter. He didn't like the feeling, not even a bit.
Nor did he like the fact that he was thinking about Amanda so damn much.
Bree ended up with a large bag of tropical Skittles, two bottles of Yoohoo, and salt and vinegar chips. Nick didn't mention that he'd wanted the barbeque ones.
The Arizona sky was brilliant blue, with short shadows cast below the cactus that dotted the landscape. Bree had the window down and was leaning back in her seat, her feet up on the dashboard, the bag of Skittles cradled on her stomach. "Tell me about him," she asked.
Nick crunched on a chip thoughtfully, then he said finally, "Your dad was a funny guy. He loved doing impressions, he told jokes all the time."
Bree laughed, "I saw this video once on the Internet when he was doing an interview and he started talking like Ace Ventura."
Nick laughed, too, a wide smile crossing his face. "Yeah, I remember that. God that was like 1996 or something. I was your age."
"That's like a million years ago," Bree teased.
"It's gone fast," Nick said, shaking his head. He glanced at Bree for the splittest of moments before turning back to look out the windshield. "It's weird," he commented, "How you can see him on the net and know about things like that."
"It must be weirder for you," Bree answered, "I mean every memory you've ever had is all over the place for the world to see, isn't it?"
Nick nodded. "Kind of like a photo album or something. But the thing is that stuff can never tell a whole story. There's too much stuff that goes on that doesn't get picked up in interviews and videos, too many nuances and personal issues, you know?" He shrugged.
"Trust me, I know all too well. If it was a replacement for real life, then I wouldn't feel as empty as I do about not having my dad."
"Exactly."
Nick realized how funny it was that he'd never really thought to look Brian up on YouTube to relive the memories with him, to remind him what his friend had looked like. It just never occurred to him because the Brian that he knew and loved had been such a different person than the one that moved so hyperactively about on the screen for the fans. Brian was the true definition of a ham and he'd been so energetic and excited when it came to showing off for the fans, but behind the scenes, in the real world, Brian had been an intelligent, loving person with a careful vocabulary and a huge heart.
"You can't know him through Youtube," Nick commented.
Bree looked hopefully at Nick. "Tell me something I'd never know from the Internet."
"This one time," Nick said, "We were on tour and I don't really remember where we were but we'd been touring the major U.S. cities, you know, and we had a day off so we got this idea to go to this sports museum. So we kinda got the directions and I was the navigator and your dad was driving and we took off and I dunno, I'm a crappy navigator 'cos I barely know how to read a map --"
"That's comforting," Bree teased.
Nick laughed, "I was very careful with this one, I promise."
"Okay good. Continue."
Nick smirked. "Anyways... Your dad and I got lost and we were off in this weird city that was like really ghetto-ish looking and it was just really weird. And your dad was like 'lock the doors!' because he was chicken-shit..." Bree was laughing. Nick continued, "So we're like driving and stuff and then we see this crowd of homeless people kinda all huddled together on these steps - they were like all over the town hall steps or something, all kind of trying to stay warm, you know, with these city-issued blankets and they looked miserable..." Nick shook his head, "Anyways, your dad, he dragged me off to this grocery store and we went in and got like twelve pounds of turkey and ham and cheese and these bags of these hoagie rolls you know and mayo and yeah, the whole works, and we go back and Bri just opens up the back of the trunk and starts making'em all sandwiches and handing out these bottled waters we bought and the whole thing."
"Wow."
Nick laughed, "Yeah. So after they're all fed and stuff, your dad gets in the car and he goes 'Dude, I feel like Jesus.'"
Bree cracked up. "Oh no he didn't!"
"Yeah he did," Nick answered, his laughter culminating in a wheezy sound.
"That is priceless," Bree giggled. "He sounds like he was real religious. I mean I have his Bible and he knew like everything, it looks like."
"He was smart, yeah," Nick nodded, "He really loved the whole Christian thing, you know? But... I dunno." He paused to take a sip of Yoohoo while he thought of how to word what he was trying to say. Finally, he said, "You know how sometimes Christians are kind of douchebags?"
Bree nodded, "My mom's church friends are so annoying."
"Yeah. Well, your dad wasn't like that. He wasn't normal." Nick laughed, "Well I mean, he wasn't a normal Christian."
"By the sounds you were right on both counts," Bree pointed out.
Nick nodded, "Fair point. But I mean like he didn't act like regular Christians do. He wasn't judgemental, he didn't condemn people. He just loved'em. Even if they didn't love him back, even if they treated him like shit."
"Who would treat my dad like that?" Bree asked, "That's just crazy. He sounds so nice."
"Lots of people," Nick shrugged. "The truth is, I did for a long time." It was the first time Nick had really admitted that to anyone before. It was hard, hearing it in his own voice.
"Why?" Bree questioned.
Nick pursed his lips. "I made some bad choices," he answered, chosing his words carefully.
"Like getting arrested?" Bree asked, thinking of the article she'd seen in the paper the week before.
Nick nodded, "Like getting arrested. Twice. I drank a lot, did a lot of drugs..." he sighed, "I dated the wrong kinds of people. Things like that. Made bad career choices. And every step of the way, your dad was there for me, trying to help me fix it before it spun out of control... but I didn't listen to him, I just kept getting mad at him, but he didn't give up on me." Nick shook his head. "Christ, if I'd been him I'd have given up on me so fast. I was such an arrogant prick." He laughed.
Bree studied Nick for a long moment. "So if you're judging yourself now so much for the things you did then... why do you do them again now?"
Nick's eyes scanned the roadway, though he barely saw it through the flood of emotion that followed her question. He took a deep breath. "I don't know," he admitted. "After your dad died, I just... didn't know how to move on, I guess." He swallowed. "Your dad was the only person that I had ever really talked to before. And he'd tried to account for that by including Amanda on the road trip, you know, because he was supposed to be the person that I started confiding in. He wanted me to have what he had with your mom... He knew he was dying and he didn't want to leave me stranded, you know?"
"So what happened?"
Nick felt his eyes misting. "I couldn't open up to her. I shut down so hard when I lost your dad... I just pushed everyone away. I was too scared to lose it again, you know? I was afraid." He'd never admitted this. Not even to himself. He shuffled his hands on the steering wheel.
"So you started drinking again."
Nick nodded, "Yeah," he whispered.
"Is that why Amanda left?"
Nick nodded. "I told her to go. I told her I didn't love her." He forced a sad smile onto his face - more of a wince, a grimmace, a way to keep the tears from falling. "I lied," he said simply.
