It was like a bad scene out a movie… the type of scene that would make you cringe and wish you could fast-forward past it all. Never want to watch it over. Never want to re-live it. Wish it never existed.

“Welcome family, friends and loved ones.” Tyler Shields greeted, “we are gathered here today to bare witness of joining two souls through matrimony to become one.”

There I was, standing up at the altar with my four brothers. Of course AJ standing in the center, with Howie next to him, followed by me and the two Kentucky cousins. The look of excitement and true happiness on my older brother’s face in that moment is one I’ll never forget. I remember looking over at Rochelle and noticed something… different. Behind her iced out veil I didn’t see the smile that rightfully belonged during this moment. Instead, I saw tears.

The spoken words of the ceremony became nothing but a blur to me as I tried to read into AJ and Rochelle in that moment. His hands were entwined with hers, his thumbs drawing soft circles across the back of her hands as he refused to let his smile fade from his lips. Tears continued to stream down from her eyes, painting her pale, flawless face with streaks of muddled black.

“Now, the rings please.”

I watched as Howie and Rochelle’s maid of honor both handed the rings to Tyler. “These rings symbolize their love for each other…” he said as he held the two rings up, “for it is eternal, a true representation of love that has no beginning nor end.” he now handed the rings to AJ and Rochelle. “If any one of you may have objections to binding these two forever in front of God, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

I remember watching Rochelle as more tears fell from her eyes, her hands trembling as she let go of the ring. There was an audible gasp that was released from all, slicing through the deafening silence. The only thing that was heard after that was the soft ping of the wedding band hitting the marbled floor.

I remember looking up at AJ, who didn’t seemed bothered at all with what was happening… I knew he was in denial. Silence clung so heavily to the air, it was enough to make us all stop breathing for those tense seconds, a sickening anticipation of waiting to see what would happen next. Rochelle never bent down to pick up the fallen ring… instead, she reached out her ivory colored gloved hand and caressed AJ’s cheek.

“Alex…” her voice was faint, wracked with emotion. “I… I can’t do this.”

The smile never left AJ’s face, though it seemed to dim considerably. “Wh-what can’t you do baby?” he asked back in a soft voice. “You can’t pick up the ring? I can pick it up for you, it’s no problem.”

My heart ached at his denial that left him blind as Rochelle shook her head, “No Alex… I can’t do… this.” she slightly gestured towards everything that surrounded us. “I can’t go through with this.”

His lips were still tugged in a upward position, signifying that he hadn’t lost hope. “This wedding? I-it’s okay monkee, we can call this all off now and just sign some papers.” he was now rambling. “I’m so stupid for thinking we needed this extravagant wedding, I mean, who are we trying to impress here, right?” he chuckled uneasily, “We’re simple people and all we should’ve done was sign those papers and we could be enjoying our honeymoon right now…” his voice was now trembling, as if he was beginning to let himself realize something that he already knew.

“I can’t marry you Alex!” she finally spat out, choking on her tears.

There it was… the words, the admittance, we were all dreading. I remember the look on our faces; Kevin’s lips were taut, pressed into a firm line, his jaw shifting. Brian’s mouth was slightly agape, a look of confusion and hurt etched clearly across his features. Howie’s brows furrowed as he bit down on his bottom lip, looking like he wanted to take his best friend away from it all.

Tears that had welled up in AJ’s eyes remained unshed, still wanting to refuse the situation at hand. “Rochelle, I know you’re scared… I’m scared too, but we’ll get through this together, I promise you.” he reached out and grabbed her hand, squeezing it in reassurance as he continued, “I can give you whatever you want baby, and I promise I’ll love you, far past forever…” he was now trying to place the ring on her finger.

Rochelle was now sobbing as she tried desperately to pull her hand back away from him, “I… I can’t.”

Tears now cascaded freely down AJ’s face as he shook his head, his trembling hands still trying to place the ring on her finger. “Please don’t do this to me…” he whispered out in a cry, “Please don’t leave me… please don’t leave me…”

“I’m sorry Alex.” was the last thing she said as finally pulled her hand away from him and ran down the aisle, past the gazing looks of shock and hurt.

I watched as she disappeared through the chapel doors, then finally turned to look my older brother over. His arms remained out, as if he was still holding her hand, waiting to give her the ring. His body being wracked with undeniable emotion, he finally let go of what was to symbolize and represent their eternal love to one another.

I watched as the ring fell and clattered on the marbled stoned flooring, ending up right next to the ring Rochelle had abandoned earlier. It was like a bad scene out a movie… the type of scene that would make you cringe and wish you could fast-forward past it all. Never want to watch it over. Never want to re-live it. Wish it never existed.

~*~*~*~

It has been almost a year ago since Rochelle left my brother to be a broken man, desperately trying to pick up the pieces and move on with his life. We tried so hard to keep him heavily busy with music, Kevin even rejoined the group in hopes to help AJ move on and truly live his life once more. But, the fans would never know this to be the real reason why Kevin came back to us. We had wrapped up our European tour with NKOTBSB and were now focusing on releasing a new album, with all five us reunited on an album for the first time in six years… we would reintroduce the Backstreet Boys to the world.

AJ had gotten good at wearing the false masks of happiness and content, which many of us quickly realized he was yet again exhibiting the same behaviors he had when he was tormented by his dark past of alcohol and drug binges. To our surprise, he never grew agitated or angry with us questioning if he was okay and to reach out to us if he needed to. Kevin, this time around seemed to know better than to pry, Brian was weary but often took his word, Howie was a bit relentless of us all, being that he is his best friend, and I… I just observed.

We were all gathered at the Richardson’s residence for an early Thanksgiving dinner. It was Kevin’s idea to get us all together for this holiday and since we had revived our group, he felt it was fitting to revive a Thanksgiving tradition we often did years ago as a group. As we began to settle around the large table, I couldn’t help than to stare at the lone, empty chair, where AJ was supposed to be seated.

Although all five of us had flown in to Kentucky, Kevin had informed us that AJ decided not to join us and requested to be alone in his hotel room. When I tried to question it, Kevin quickly shot it down with, “We’ll give him his time and space. He’s a grown man… and I… I trust him.” Wow, you sure sound convinced there Kev!

After a powerful prayer was delivered by Brian, we all immediately dug in with the feast that was laid out before us. Well, everyone except for me. Lauren noticed I didn’t move to make my plate, but kept to herself. A few moments later, I finally placed a small amount of shredded turkey and a spoonful of mashed potatoes on my plate, in hopes to eradicate any questions that may arise.

“Alright, who’d like to start us off?” Kevin, being at the head of the table, questioned. “What we are all thankful for this year.”

“I’m thankful for…” Howie wasted no time in being the first to start us off. I really tried to tune in to what he was saying, but I couldn’t help than to think if I was the only one that was genuinely concerned about AJ. “May I be excused?” I suddenly blurted out.

The table remained silent, and I could feel their stares piercing into me. “Are you okay baby?” Lauren whispered to me, to which I simply nodded and asked for my excuse once more.

Once Kevin gave a firm nod, I immediately shot up from where I sat and darted out of the house, before any of them could stop and question me. I jumped into my car and started it up, quickly pulling out of the driveway and making my way to the hotel we were all staying at. I thanked GOD I hadn’t been pulled over for speeding, because I had managed to turn a twenty minute drive into eight, and now I found myself parked in the hotel’s parking structure.

One of the perks of being a celebrity was the ability to coax a the desk clerk to allow you access to your band mate’s hotel room. I thanked the older woman, grabbing the card key from her and hastily made my way to the elevators and rode up to the ninth floor. Once I found myself standing outside of AJ’s closed door, I decided to give a few soft knocks, to see if he would open up for me.

Nothing… not even movement. I knocked once more, a bit louder this time, to which I was greeted with the same result. Taking a deep breath in, I slid the card key through the slot and pushed the door open, being greeted by darkness. The cool, fresh winter air of late November embraced me instead of the billowing frigid air of the AC. The opened sliding door caught my attention, and the dark silhouette that stood ON the balcony railing rendered me completely motionless, overcome with fear.

“Alex?” I called out shakily, hoping I wouldn’t startle him.

Hands braced against the wall, he slowly turned his head to address me. Fuck, how I wish I were Kevin right now… how was this young, stupid ass blonde one supposed to help and save him? “Nick…” he bit out, “Don’t do this to me…” the same words he had once spoken, the same pleading voice he had used to beg Rochelle.

“Don’t YOU dare do this to ME!” I snapped back, not meaning to let my emotion get the best of me. “What the hell are you doing?!”

AJ shook his head as he looked back out, straight ahead, “I… I don’t know anymore Nick. I can’t feel anything anymore.”

“Have you been drinking?” I asked in a softer tone, knowing that my anger could be the driving force to push him right over.

I heard him scoff, “For the first time in my measly life, I didn’t feel the need to run to alcohol or drugs. I can’t feel anything anyway, so I didn’t need it. Now… I need something that’ll help me to feel.” it was in that moment I could see streaks of blood glistening from his inner forearm in the pale moonlight.

“And this is your answer?” I fired back, “You ain’t gonna feel shit by doing this AJ!”

“Please don’t do this to me… don’t make this harder for me.” he cried.

Sighing heavily, I slowly made my way over towards him and flounced down on his bed. I didn’t know what I could say or do to help, but I knew my added anger, frustrating and fighting wouldn’t lure him away from his decision. “What are you thankful for this year?” I suddenly asked.

He shot me an incredulous look, “What?”

I chuckled at the memories of us going around and stating all that we were thankful for so many years ago. “Kevin decided to bring back that tradition and I had walked out right when we started it… to come to you.” I looked up at him, allowing him to see my unshed tears and how vulnerable of a man I was before him. “What are you thankful for?”

“Yeah, what a question to ask me right now Nick!” he scorned. “You really are a fucking dumbass, you know that?” I bit my tongue, knowing he was just saying that to try to get me angry and storm out of the room, leaving him to complete what he set out to do.

“I’ll tell you what I’m thankful for…” I spoke out in a soft voice. “I’m thankful that we’re all finally back together… doing what we love.” his actions froze upon hearing my words. “I’m thankful for all that we have been blessed with for the past twenty years… shit, I’m thankful we even still have this career after twenty years. I’m thankful for all that I was able to see and do because of it… I’m thankful that all of our lifelong dreams came true and we’re still living and fulfilling it, even to this day. I’m thankful for my eldest brother, who always kept us in line and has inspired me to want to become the man he is. I’m thankful for my second eldest brother, who always looked out for my best interests and who’s compassion and love has never failed me. I’m thankful for my third eldest brother, who has been my best friend through all these years and has never left my side.”

Tears now streaming down my face, I looked up at him, “I’m thankful for my brother who’s just two years older than me… for being the strong man I never could be, that his strength is what helped to save me. For being the one that always believed in me… he never gave up on me. He was the only one that truly understood me, being that we were only two years apart, and now I stand before that same man to let him know that he’s not alone. He saved me, and now I want him to let me do the same.” at this point, I was a grown-ass man crying, but I honestly didn’t give a fuck. “I’m thankful for you being IN my life Alex. God has blessed you and I with so much, but one of the greatest gifts He has blessed me with… is you four.”

He was now sobbing with me, and after a long moment of silence, I finally cried out, “Please don’t do this to me Alex… please don’t leave me… please don’t leave me.”

Tense moments passed between us, until AJ finally tried to maneuver himself as he stood on the balcony to face me. That action alone cause me to spring up from the bed, my hands jutting out in caution. “I fucking hate you Nick.” he laughed through his tears. “I was expecting you to be Kevin… not once in my life did I think the youngest of us would come to my rescue.”

I tried to give a small smile, “Guess I’m not that much of a dumbass.”

“You never were.” he muttered out as he tried to step down on the chair from the railing. “I’m sorr-” his words were cut short as I heard his foot slip off from the railing.

The last thing I remembered was seeing him fall from the balcony… and my heart literally coming to a stop.

~*~*~*~

The gathering this time was much more different, one that was requested upon. We gathered not only to celebrate life, but also what we have all been blessed with and most often take advantage of. After tears had been shed, nothing but true happiness could come from it all.

There was a faint knock on the closed bathroom door, “Uncle Nick, the food’s ready!” I heard Baylee’s voice on the other side.

Giving myself one more good look over in the mirror, I nodded as I opened the door to be greeted by my best friend’s mini-me. “You ready?” he asked me.

I simply ruffled his dirty blond hair as we made our way over towards the dining room. “Of course I am!”

We all found ourselves gathered at Kevin’s dining table once more, and the experience this time around was truly different. Once again, Brian led us in a powerful prayer and like déjà vu, we were all fixing our plates with the Thanksgiving feast fixings. This time around, with the help of Lauren, I helped myself to larger servings.

“Alright, who’d like to start us off this time?” Kevin asked once again, in his true patriarch fashion. “What we’re all thankful for this year.”

“I’d like to start… if I may.” a hand rose with the statement.

Kevin simply smiled and gave a small nod. “Go ahead.”

“I’m thankful for uh… you all deciding to have this gathering again per my request, under quite different circumstances.” I listened intently to the person as they rattled off all that they were thankful for; and it was extremely personal, meaningful and evocative, especially during this time.

“Finally… I’m truly thankful for my youngest brother here… for saving my life.” AJ finished with a genuine smile in my direction.

I simply smiled back as I idly adjusted the sling my right arm was in. Here we all were, gathered all again on Thanksgiving Day, with AJ joining us this time around. It had been three days ago when I had literally saved his life. He had slipped and fell off the railing, but by God’s miraculous blessing, I was able to reach out and grab his arm just in time. The action had dislocated my right arm from catching his arm and holding his weight over the railing, but I had managed to push through the excruciating, agonizing pain to haul my brother up over to safety. I hope he would never come to forget how much he is indeed loved and appreciated.

My eyes glazed down at his arms, which were covered with his long sleeves, hiding his mistake from the rest of the world. Only he and I knew what happened that night, and it would stay that way; my anger had gotten the best of me that night and resulted in me punching a wall, which dislocated my shoulder. I promised to never tell a soul of what he was about to do under one condition… that he would never pull that stunt again, and that he would never forget how much he is loved and needed. He agreed.

How was this young, stupid ass blonde one supposed to help and save him? By the simple gesture of saying what he was truly thankful for. It was like a bad scene out a movie… the type of scene that would make you cringe and wish you could fast-forward past it all. Never want to watch it over. Never want to re-live it. Wish it never existed. The only difference was… this scene had a happy ending. And I’m thankful for that.