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Thank You for Loving Me!

 Hey,

 

It’s really late on a Friday night. I am stuck on my bus with a head cold instead of out being my wild, crazy self, even though that person is pretty much gone, but still… I’m in a reflective mood so I thought I’d put my thoughts down to paper and get this bitch written.

It’s really times like these that I think about you the most. The stillness and quiet of a night with no TV, video games or books to occupy my time leaves me with the longing to tell you just how much you have meant to me all of these years.

How do I start without sounding gay? That’s the real question. Maybe that’s why I have never actually told you this before. Maybe that’s why after the last ‘t’ is crossed and the last ‘I’ is dotted, this will end up in the trash like so many others before this one.

I used to write these when I was feeling so low that I knew I would die before any of you. I wanted this to be my last words, to let you all know how deeply you have touched my life.

Sometimes it was written as a suicide note. Especially when I was a teenaged hot mess, I’d be sitting on my bunk in the bus, eyes full of tears, pity party going at full force telling you how I couldn’t take it anymore. Life wasn’t worth living, blah blah blah…

A few minutes in, my curtain would open and there you’d be.

Sometimes Brian with a brand new video game for us to play…

Sometimes AJ with one of his old Playboys telling me I’ll feel better after I jerk off for a bit…

Sometimes Howie with a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream making me promise not to tell Kevin…

Sometimes Kevin with a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream telling me if I let anyone know he’d kill me…

Eventually I would get over whatever it was that was bothering me and move on and the letter I had been writing would be crumpled up and thrown away.

After I was diagnosed with my heart thing, I decided to try it again. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to. I was drinking too much, doing too many drugs and not caring one way or the other. You all were so fed up with me that you couldn’t even look me in the eyes. At the time I took it as hate and disgust, now I realize it was love.

I was angry as I sat in my hotel room writing my last words. I wanted you to feel guilty when you read it. I wanted you to know that despite all the hateful words you sometimes said to me, I never took them to heart. No matter how shunned and isolated you sometimes made me feel; in the end I loved you all.

A few minutes in, there would be a knock on my door and there you’d be.

Sometimes Brian with a deep sigh, biting on his bottom lip and apologizing for being so harsh…

Sometimes AJ with a pack of smokes and a porno telling me that he didn’t want me to be like him and that after he left I should watch the porn and jerk off. It would make me feel better…

Sometimes Howie with some fries from MacDonald’s telling me he’s there if I need him. He’s always willing to help…

Sometimes Kevin on the phone letting me know that no matter what, he will never ever give up on me and to throw away the fries he KNOWS Howie just brought me…

Eventually I would shake off those feelings, take a nice long shower and decide to change my life. The letter I was writing ended up being slowly burned by lighter as I smoked my very last cigarette.

This brings me to now. Nothing earth shattering has happened this time. I’m just a little under the weather while on my solo tour in Canada. It’s always nice to do my own thing but that’s when I find I miss you all the most. Part of me worries what will happen when we finally do decide to go our own ways. Will we still be as close?

Then out of the blue, there you are.

Brian with a call, just checking to see how things are going…

AJ with a call, asking me if I’d been to the strip club we love to go to…

Howie with a call, congratulating me on the tour so far…

Kevin with a call, telling me how proud he is of me…

I am no longer writing this because I want to die. I know I’m going to live a nice long life and will probably out live all four of you old men.

I guess I just wanted to say, thank you for loving me through it all.

 

~ Nick 

 

Then I crumple the paper up and throw it in the trash.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

Short and sweet lol I hope you enjoyed! :O)