Whatever It Takes

By Dottie

Copyright 2012

Chapter 31

            Nick and I spend a little over a week with Brian and Carrie.  David and Jason were in school and Brian kept Nick busy working on music which left Carrie and I with a lot of time to talk.  After what had happened on the ship, I still feel awkward around her, but I try to push aside that feeling and do my best to act normal.

            The day before we planned to go home, Carrie sits me down in the kitchen and says, "Tessa, we need to talk about this before you totally flip out."

            Trying to act dumb, I say, "What do you mean?"

            She says, "Tessa, I'm going to be blunt, because let's face it, you know stuff about Brian and I that no one outside the group knows. We love for people to watch us have sex.  That's all it is.  Considering some of the fetishes we COULD have, that one isn't too bad, right?"

            I kind of shake my head and say, "I guess not..."

            She says, "Tessa, I don't mean to pry, but you haven't been with a lot of men, have you?" I shake my head and she says, "Trust me, what we do is tame. The question is did you enjoy watching?"

            I try to think of a way to answer without hurting her feelings.  Finally, I say, "I don't know.  It wasn't horrific, but at the same time I felt like I shouldn't have been there."

            She takes my hand and says, "Tessa, it's just like watching porn.  It's ok if it excited you.  I won't tell Nick if it did.  Did you and AJ, you know? Afterward?" I lower my eyes and nod. She says, "Did you enjoy it?"

            I say, "No, not really. By then, I knew...well, I couldn't stop thinking about Nick."

            She says, "Girl, listen.  All of the guys and their wives or girlfriends have watched us.  It's not big for us and it's easier than renting porn.  I think part of us getting off is knowing we're turning someone else on." When I don't say anything, she says, "Have you talked to Nick about what happened?"

            I say, "No, not much.  I feel ashamed."

            She says, "Why? We're all adults. We all have our fetishes.  And I have to tell you, when you and AJ were watching us, it was mind blowing.  I've never had Brian take me like that. Yes, I know, in his mind, he was doing you...but I'm not jealous. I was on the receiving end of something incredible.  Don't let it bother you anymore, ok? You don't have to watch if you don't want to. But if you ever DO want to...well, the door is ALWAYS open, ok?"  I just nod and she says, "Tessa, I want us to be friends, ok? But we had to talk about this and get past it.  OK?"

            I nod again and say, "You're right, Carrie. I am going to be around all of you. We have to let the past go."

            She says, "But it's hard. I get it. Listen, if you ever just need girl talk, call me ok? Please?"

            I lean closer to her and surprise us both by hugging her neck. I say, "Thank you Carrie."

            She says, "Anytime. How about a nice, hot cup of hot cocoa?"

            I nod and she turns to take two mugs out of the cupboard.  I feel Arianne start kicking and my hand instinctively covers my stomach.  When I feel the bandage on what's left of the cut, tears flood my eyes and I start bawling.  Carrie drops the mugs onto the counter and comes to me, saying "Shh, Tessa, what is it? What's wrong?"

            Between hiccupping breaths, I manage to say, "I...miss...Gillian! She was...was my...best friend."

            Carrie says, "Tessa, Sweetie, I know it's hard. She's sick and needs help.  When they catch her, you know Nick will make sure she's taken care of and gets the help she needs."

            I say, "I know...I just...miss her so much. She...was...the only...real friend...I had!"

            Carrie wraps her arms around me and says, "You've got me, now Tessa. I'll be your friend. Come on, you gotta stop crying. You're gonna make yourself sick."

            She takes me into mine and Nick's room and grabs a wash cloth, washing my face. Once the tears have stopped, she has me lay down. Then she sits by the bed and we talk. About Gillian. About my friendship with her.  We must have talked for two hours. Until we heard the boys come in. She looks at me and says, "Tessa, once they find her and she gets help, I think you can have your friend back. It's just going to take time."

            I kind of smile and say, "Thanks for letting me talk Carrie."

            She smiles and says, "You needed it. I'm going to fix the boys a snack. The men should be home soon.  You need anything?"

            I say, "No, I'm just gonna rest." As she's opening the door, I say, "Carrie?" When she turns to me, I say, "Thank you."

            She says, "Don't mention it. What are friends for?"

            After she leaves, I lay and think about Gillian.  I hope she was right. I hope Gilly's ok.

            I must have dozed off.  Not surprising, lately I've been exhausted. I wake up when I feel Nick's hand push my hair back from my face. I slowly open my eyes to see Gillian there. The look on her face...it's scary.  I try to sit up and scream.  I hear Nick saying, "Tessa, wake up. Baby, it's just me."

            I open my eyes to see Nick sitting there. A dream. It was only a dream.  I close my eyes and he says, "You ok?"

            I nod and say, "I was dreaming. You startled me."

            He says, "Carrie has dinner almost finished. She said you had a rough afternoon. What's going on, Tessa?"

            I sit up with his help and say, "She and I talked. A lot. It was good to get it all out."

            He says, "What did you talk about?"

            I avert my gaze and say, "What happened on the ship. About Gillian."

            Using one finger, he forces my gaze back to his and says, "Please don't look away from me. I know things happened on that ship that we can't change. It doesn't make me love you any less Tessa. I'm not even jealous because I know why you did it."

            I squeeze his arm and say, "You never ask about it. Carrie asked if we had talked about it. She thinks that we should, but I'm so ashamed Nick."

            He leans forward and kisses me, saying, "Don't be. We're all adults and what happened was because we all thought you were something you're not.  It's over and done with. You and I don't need to rehash it because it hurts you too much." I nod and look away again. When I look back, he says, "I didn't think you'd want to talk about it."

            I shake my head and say, "The biggest part of me doesn't. But I feel like I'm suffocating on the inside holding it all in. Talking to Carrie helped. I just don't know if I can...talk to you about it. I'm afraid."

            He cups my face and says, "Baby, why in the world are you afraid? I'd never hurt you."

            Covering his hands, I say, "I know that Nick. I'm not afraid of you hurting me. I'm afraid you'll leave me."

            He leans forward and kisses me gently before whispering, "I could never leave you, Tessa. You're my world. You and Arianne are everything to me. Don't you see?  I don't want anyone else. I want you. I want our baby."  I lay my head on his shoulder. He rubs my back and says, "We're going to have to talk about it. I see that now. I promise, Tessa, I'm not going anywhere.  OK?  I promise!"

            I nod against his shirt and whisper, "I love you Nick."

            Holding me close, he says, "I love you too." 

            Once we're back at home, I feel a lot better.  Nick had the place cleaned while we were gone. I thought walking back in would be the worst thing ever, but this is home now. I do feel safe here, with Nick. His security team is still around, in addition to Nick having an alarm installed.  It still breaks my heart knowing all of this is because of Gilly. I just hope she's ok.

            I stare out the window at the back yard. Christmas will be here soon. I rub my stomach and think about how different things will be next year with Arianne here.  I close my eyes, struggling to find some hint of the happiness I felt just a few weeks earlier. Now I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow. 

            When Nick comes up behind me, he says, "How do you feel about putting up a Christmas tree?"

            I nod and say, "That would be nice."

            He kisses the side of my neck and says, "Let's go shopping. We need a tree and decorations."

            I turn and say, "You don't have Christmas decorations?"

            He smiles and says, "Hey, until recently, I was a confirmed bachelor.  No need to decorate." Rubbing my stomach, he says, "Now I have the two best reasons in the world to do it. Come on, let's go."

            First we pick out a tree and take it back to the house. Luckily, the tree lot sold tree stands, so once it's in place by the bay window, we head back out to shop for decorations.  You think women are bad, try shopping with Nick Carter.  I rub my stomach, excited that Arianne's going to have a daddy so eager to have fun.

            By the time we get home, I'm convinced we have enough decorations to decorate ten trees.  Imagine my surprise when Nick starts decorating the rest of the house after the tree is done.  By the time he hangs the last garland rope, I'm thoroughly exhausted. He flops down beside me on the couch and says, "What do you think?"

            I scratch the stubble on his chin and say, "I think this is growing in white, Santa."

            He laughs and says, "Blonde is close to white."

            I giggle and say, "Nick, you're a dark blonde. Not even close."

            He swoops in and starts nibbling on my neck, causing my giggles to expand into full blown laughter. He sits back and rolls his lower lip out, saying, "Here I am trying to seduce you and you're laughing?"

            I rub my nose against his and kiss his protruding lower lip before saying, "Your scruff tickles, Mr. Carter."

            He says, "I thought you liked me scruffy."

            I smirk and say, "I do...but it tickles."

            He says, "Be honest, do you like the longer hair and beard or not?"

            I look him over and say, "I like it...but I think you look better with your hair short."

            He says, "And the beard?"

            I giggle and say, "It tickles...but that's not why I don't like it."

            He says, "Why don't you like it?"

            I say, "It hides your face from me. I like looking at your face."

            He leans closer to me and nibbles on my chin, eliciting another round of giggles from me.  He sits back and throws his arms up in the air.  "I surrender!" 

I watch as he runs up the stairs, taking them two at a time. I yell, "What are you doing?"

He yells back, "Give me a minute!"

            I lean back and close my eyes, feeling at peace.  Yes, I'm still worried about Gillian, but Nick has done everything he possibly could to make me feel safe, loved and happy.  And I do feel all those things and more when I'm with him.

            I feel the couch dip beside me some time later and Nick pushes my hair back from my neck.  I feel his lips on the skin below my ear and I have to smile. He shaved. I open my eyes as I thread my fingers through his hair. He pulls back and meets my gaze, saying, "Better?"

            I nod and say, "Much. You really don't realize what a handsome devil you are, do you?"

            He smirks and says, "Sure I do. I just thought women loved me no matter how I look."

            I roll my eyes and say, "Your ego astounds me."  He laughs and I say, "But you know, I do love you no matter how you look. If you want a beard, grow it. If you want your hair down to your ass, do it. I may not prefer it that way, but it's your hair. I love every part of you, Nick."

            He strokes my face and says, "I know you do. And I love every part of you. But if you really like it better short, that's what I'm going to do."

            I grab his face in my hands and say, "Don't. Don't do it for me Nick. Do what makes you happy, ok? Please?"

            He turns his face to nuzzle my palm with his nose and whispers, "YOU make me happy. Can I do you, Tessa?"

            I shiver at his words. His smoldering gaze meets mine and in that single moment, I know I'm where I belong. I lean closer to him and say, "Please, Nick, let me make you happy."