April 1st. 2012

Hello my Dear Liv,

          Well things really haven't gotten that much better. Its been three months now. I can't believe how fast it's gone. It feels like just yesterday I got the news.

          Thank God we don't have a show tonight; I don't think I could handle it if we did.

          All I've been doing today is thinking about the past. If you were here I know you'd tell me not to dwell on the past, but becuase of what today is I really can't seem to help myself.

          Most of the things I've thought on have been our good times. We've had so many. Like do you remember the time we snuck out of the hotel in Paris and went site seeing without telling anyone? God Kevin freaked out, he about killed me when we finally got back. If it hadn't been for you, I know he would have.

          I have been thinking about the fight we had the last time I saw you. God just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I know now what I never understood back then. Why you did what you did. It wasn't for the glory of being a soldier. You did it beucause it was the right thing for you to do.

          I'm just sorry it's taken me a long time to figure it out.

          I talked to your Mom today. She's putting on a brave front, but I can tell she not doing as well as one would hope. Losing you was one of the hardest things for her to deal with. After her I think, no I know, I took it almost as hard as she did.

          Things are so differnt with you gone. I don't think I could ever look at life the same way again. It's just hard to see the world without your smiling face.

          God there was so much I wanted to say to you, but I never got the chance to. I wish I would have told you everything, but I was to much of a coward to do so. I regret it everyday now.

          Oh, I never told you the last time I was home to see your Mom she asked me to take Maxy with me, so I did. He's doing better then he was, but I know he still misses you like crazy. Somedays all he does is stare at the door waiting for you to come back to us.

          In the back of our minds we both know your not coming back. No matter how much we wish you would.

          God I miss you so much. I have this hole in my chest that nothing will fill, and trust me I've tried. Nothing will ever fill the void you left, don't get me wrong, I don't blame you at all. I know you didn't choose this path for yourself. But still it hurts knowing you'll never smile at me again.

          One of these days I'm going to short out my keyborad with all these damn tears that keep coming. Sometimes I just can't help myself.

          God I have no idea why this is getting harder and harder to do. But then again I've never been on to really face my problems head on like I'm doing by writing this. Its really the only thing that has been keeping me sane these last three months.

          Or at least its helping me mask my pain from the other guys better. I feel bad that they are walking on eggshells around me, afraid to say anything to upset me. But I can't help that small things that people say or do remind me of you.

          Well its time for Maxy's walk. We both love and miss you so much.

With all my heart,

                                                                                                      Nick.