Prologue
The most embarassing day of my life I was six years old and a girl from the fourth grade decided to pants me on the playground at the elementary school I went to. She was a fat girl with stubby fingers and a loud voice, the kind that commanded attention. Looking back, she was probably a bully to keep from being bullied, but when you're six years old and you're standing in your tightie whities on top of the playland castle with nothing else on but your knee high socks and Keds... well, you're just out for blood then.
"I see London, I see France. I see Nicky's underpants."
The other kids were laughing at my knobbly knees. One kid pointed out that my penis was tiny, even for "a little guy like him". I felt my face flush and in the heat of the moment, I turned to my bully and hollored, "I might be tiny, but I'll grow up and someday be real big and maybe even famous, but you'll always be a girl."
Because being a girl seemed the best insult to throw at this ginormous beast.
She glared at me. "You ain't gonna be famous," she spat.
"And you ain't never gonna be a boy like you wish you was!" I hollored back.
"I don't wish I was a boy!" she yelled. She paused as the retort she was searching for formulated and finally replied, "You probably wish I was so you could marry me!"
"I'd never marry you. You're too stupid!" I shouted.
"Maybe. But I ain't the one that's gonna have a burnt ass." I didn't even have time to register that she'd said 'the a-word' before she kicked me in the stomach, sending me backwards down the red-hot-from-the-sun metal slide in my bare keister to the uproarious delight of the entire school.
I'm guessing if you went back there today, you'd still be able to extract my skin cells from that slide's surface. After all, enough of them melted off on my way down that it made a loud squealching sound and left bright red marks across my backside for quite some time.
That bitch's name was Charlotte Avery and I etched her face out of my yearbook in revenge.
Story Notes:
Keep track of the warnings as they may change. Probably won't though. ;)
