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Chapter Nineteen

Before every show there's that moment when we break out of the preshow prayer when my heart seems to echo through my whole body. I feel like I can literally hear my heart beat at these times, like when you hold your breath underwater for a long time and you can hear it inside you. As I climbed the steps to the stage, it was like it was on an amplifyer. My feet felt leaden and I gripped the handrail on the little steps so tight my knuckles turned white.

The TV announcers spoke louder than natural to be heard over the screaming fans as they introduced us, and my name seemed to bounce off the walls of the two adjacent buildings. The moment I was up on the stage, my eyes scanned around, searching for Charley, but there was such an intense mix of faces in the early morning sunlight that there was no way in hell I would've been able to pick her out of the crowd if she was down there.

My palms were soaked, but Brian gave me a reassuring smile and played air-drums on my shoulder with a grin on his face, so I forced a smile. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I knew that was 'cos I was terrified, on the verge of shitting myself actually.

We started out with an acapella number, something we'd been working on for some time for the new album but hadn't officially mixed yet. The fans went crazy, of course, but I couldn't fully concentrate on it, so I messed up the lyric a little and Brian made us start that part over again twice before I got it right. At the end, when the fans were cheering, Howie laughed into his microphone, "Of course it'll be really great when we record it, we'll all get the lyrics right. Right, Nick?" he giggled and the fans laughed and screamed for me. I laughed, too, but felt my eyes scanning the building windows.

It didn't matter how much security was there, I realized, I only felt safe with Charley.

And I'd tell her that later, I decided. I'd tell her that because that's how I felt and that's what I wanted. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted us to be an us. I wanted more moments like that silly moment in the stairwell when we'd yelled into the echo. Except next time we yelled into an echo I wanted it to be an I love you, because, I realized, I did.

I did a lot actually.

But she didn't show up. We sang number after number and still there was no signs of Charley. Between two songs, I made my way over to the guard on the stage and I asked if she'd answered her radio yet and he said that she had but that her battery was dying and she hadn't been able to finish her transmission. She was in the hotel at that point, he said.

At least she was okay, I comforted myself with that.

I walked back across the stage to the fellas and put my water bottle on the floor after taking a long swig. Brian laughed and flipped onto his hands, showing off as he teetered that way across the stage. AJ made some weird noise to accompany the stunt and Howie made a joke about Stupid Pet Tricks and wanting to enter Brian into a competition.

Then we started singing the last song of the set, I Want It That Way, which was usually what we ended with.

"You are my fire," Brian's words echoed between the two buildings over the crowd, "The one desire... believe... when I say..."

That's when I spotted Charley. She was about twenty rows away, pushing towards the stage. I instantly felt safer, knowing she was so close and I grinned at her and waved and she struggled to wave back. She shouted something my direction, something that sounded like good luck from the distance she was at.

Good luck, please woman, I've sang this song a billion times, I thought.

"I want it that way..." Brian concluded.

I lifted my microphone to my mouth, "But we are two worlds apart..." I sang. My eyes scanned the fans, and they were all singing along happily. It was my favorite part of the song, the way the fans responded. It was beautiful.

"Can't reach to your heart..."

My arm was suddenly grabbed by the guard that'd been sitting on the stage. He pulled me to the left and threw me to the stage floor. I hit the stage on my side. "Ummph!" My groan echoed through the small side street. A concerned gasp arose from the crowd and I realized I'd heard a gunshot echo, too. Brian, AJ, and Howie had all been tackled by bodyguards, too, and the band had stopped playing. The guard that had thrown me to the floor was at the edge of the stage a few feet away, eyes shielded, looking up, squinting into the light towards the building behind me.

Suddenly Charley was at my side. "C'mon," she implored, "We gotta get you inside - now."

"What's going on?" I gasped as I struggled to my feet with her by my side.

"Why didn't you duck when I told you to?" she demanded.

"Ohhh you said to duck... I thought you said good luck."

"Why the fuck would I say good luck?" she demanded as she shoved me forward. She glanced back over her shoulder and before I could answer, another gunshot had fired and Charley shoved me to the stage once again. "Duck," she yelled into my ear, her voice emphasizing the duhhh part.

She came down with me, spreading across my back as we hit the floor.

If the moment wasn't so serious... I might've been turned on.

"Well this is certainly exciting," I yelled to her. "Huh Charley?"