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Story Notes:
As always, please check back for updates on the warnings as I may change them. I probably will not though.
Thank you, Sakabelle, for help finding the Behind the Music/Story Of video! And thank you, bjnkha9192 (Ringo!), for the help out finding interview videos from 1998. Thanks RokofAges75 for the excellent research sites for accuracy in weather/tv/sunrise... ;)And thank you to Mistral for the files you shared, they'll be a huge help in the process of writing the story!
Any additional help with storyline/timeline/"history" corrections with this story is strongly welcomed!

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Prologue


Leighanne was standing on the end of the dock, looking out at the water. The moon and stars and the string lights from the restaurant all reflected off the rippling surface, and her hair fluttered in the slight breeze thar rolled across the bay. I stayed a few paces back and bit my lower lip, staring at her back, unsure what to say to her.

Her voice broke the night air. "I'm sorry," she said thickly, her slight southern accent making her words almost melodious. She shook her head, "I don't know what else to say, Brian." She sniffled.

A lump rose in my throat, and I stepped closer. "What did I do wrong?" I asked.

Leighanne turned around. "Brian..." she took a deep breath and two steps towards me, closing the gap. She laid a hand on my cheek. "It's not that you did anything wrong," she said.

"Then what?" I asked, "Why are you leaving me? I need you."

"I love you too much for this," she answered.

"You can't love me too much," I said.

Leighanne's eyes were sad. "I can and I do. Don't you understand Brian? It's killing you. It's literally killing you. And instead of being upset that your best friends don't care, you just keep making excuses for them and all the while it just keeps getting worse and worse..."

"They do care, baby, it's just that I gotta do this one tour and then I'll have time off and --"

"Brian, that's what you said in March about this leg of the tour," she interrupted.

"It's just until August or September," I said.

"Brian you don't have until August or September. Don't you understand that?" Leighanne's eyes filled with tears.

"I don't know what you want me to do," I said, flapping my arms, "I don't have a choice, I'm signed into a contract and I can't afford to break it."

Leighanne shook her head, "What is worth more to you, Brian? Money or your life? Being a Backstreet Boy, or being alive?"

"It's not like --"

"Yes, it is like that," she cried. "Don't you understand that every night when you're on stage and I'm standing in the wings and I'm watching you I'm not thinking about what a great show it is or how awesome you sound or how great you did that one move? I'm standing there and all I can think is that at any moment your heart's going to stop. I can't take it anymore."

"Baby..." I stepped toward her, extending my arms, about to wrap them around her.

"No Brian," Leighanne backed away, pushing my arms off of her. "No." She wrapped her arms around herself as a gust of wind came up her back, blowing her hair towards me. She stared at me, her eyes searching my face. She sniffled. "I swore to myself I'd never be this kind of person --" she mumbled.

"What kind of person?"

"The kind that makes ultimatums."

"Baby please..." I stepped towards her again.

Again, she pushed my arms away. "Brian, you need to choose," she said, "You need to choose."

"Choose what? Between you and the Backstreet Boys?" My throat felt on fire.

Leighanne shook her head, "No. No, I'm not asking you to quit the band. But if you don't do the surgery - now, not later - then I need to leave."

"Leighanne, it's really not that much longer 'til August, how big of a difference can it possibly make?" I asked.

She reached for her hand and pulled off the ring I'd given her. She tucked it into my palm. "This big," she whispered. She stepped around me and I stared at the water, numbness crawling through my veins. I listened to her shoes clicking off the wooden dock all the way back to the restaurant's patio, unable to react. I carefully unfolded my hand, and stared down at the canary yellow diamond.

I wandered the streets for a bit, meandering my way back to the hotel. I wondered where she'd gone when she'd left, what she was going to do. I passed so many couples in the streets and all I could do was look away and send nasty thoughts their way. I felt guilty each time I wished illwill, but I couldn't stop. My hand stayed clutched around the ring as I tried to make sense of it being back in my possession. The idea had been when I gave it to her that she would never again take it off.

By the time I got back to the hotel and climbed the stairs to the room I was sharing with Nick, my feet felt like lead and my stomach had tied itself into probably a hundred thousand knots. I pulled my key out of my pocket and unlocked the door. Nick was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the glow of the television, the sounds of Nintendo coming from the speakers. He hardly looked over as I walked in, removed my suit coat and tie, and dropped them onto the floor. I kicked off my shoes.

"Where's Boob-Job Barbie?" Nick asked.

And just like that I was overcome with a rage like I'd never felt before. In my sock feet, I grabbed his NES system and chucked it to the floor, ripping the paddle right out of his hand. The game system hit the carpet with a pathetic crunch and rolled. Nick let out a shriek. "I was on level forty-eight! What the fuck!" I punched the wall squarely, pulled down everything that was hanging in our little closet and swiped the ice bucket, cups, coffee packets and hotel stationary off the dresser. "Whoa, dude, calm down," Nick said, his brows stitching together in concern. But I was on a roll. I felt like the Incredible Hulk, I was angry and I was unstoppable.

Nick crawled onto his bed, stood in the center and stared at me with wide eyes from his elevated standpoint as I chucked the bedside lamp to the far wall and pushed the alarm clock over. I stood there between the two beds, panting. My heart thundered in my ears so much faster than it should've. My hands shook and a chill came over my entire body.

Nick stared at me for a long moment, then slowly lowered himself to his knees. "Are you finished?" he asked. He sounded like my mother, when I was a kid and I'd thrown a fit because I couldn't try out for little league or because she'd said no when I asked for a candy bar in the store.

I considered his question. Was I done? What if Leighanne was right? What if I didn't have until August or September to put off getting my heart fixed? What if I did this tour and it did kill me? Was I really done living?

I looked up at him. "No," I said, answering myself more than his question. "I'm not done yet."

Nick hesitated. Then he rolled backwards, grabbed the lamp off the far bedside table, and handed it to me. "Here."