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It was night but the living room was still illuminated by the blu light coming from the television. The volume has been turned off to the minimum, so that he could at least decipher what the characters were saying, although half of the plot was already been forgotten because not so much interesting.
The couch was comfortable, his legs and body too small to occupy too much space and a cushion and a blanket make the perfect illusion of a bed. That was one of those nights when he couldn't find strength or courage to sleep inside their room, a place so soffucating for all those memories that sip out from their hiding corners and let themselves see bigger and more powerful than before. He wasn't ready yet to fight those nights, his defenses still so weak and frail that it would take nothing to open a door and hit him straight through his heart. Like a leaf lost and prisoner of the wind, he let himself taking away by those images of a life that has been cut so suddenly from his grasp, without even a warning.
«Still awake?»
Jakie came close to the couch, sitting beside her son: in the half light, those dark circles under his eyes told about how much he aged in so little time. Still, at the same time, wrapped inside the blanket and with hair spiking up in every directions, he looked like that child she had to comfort during childish nightmares.
«One day, not so long ago, imnsonia knocked at my door. I let her in and, since then, she decided to stay with me since she liked so much my company. - Brian replied, putting down his feet so to make space for her mom. - And you? Why are you still up? Don't tell me my insomnia has come to you as well!»
«No, no, no. - Jackie said, smiling at the joke. And feeling a pang of relief seeing a little glimpse of the old Brian, where for so many days and weeks there had been nothing able to penetrate the wall of pain. - I was only going to get a glass of water.»
«You never get up to get water since you always place a glass on the table before going to sleep. Are you checking on me?»
«Am I Kevin?»
That was supposed to be a meaningless joke but a shadow obscured Brian's eyes for a second before a smile would reappear.
«That was Nick's usual reply.»
«Oh.»
«Don't worry. It's okay. I'm used to these little details. They make me feel like he's still here with me. Even if only as a memory. - Brian frowned. - It's not crazy, right?»
«No. Of course not. I would think you're crazy if you told me that you still talk to him like he's here with you. Memories aren't negative, it's the only way to keep people alive. And, when first burning will be over, you're gonna find strength in them.»
«Do you really think?»
«Yes. And I believe even Nick thought it like that.»
Brian's expression became a mist of confusion and curiosity.
«What do you mean?»
Jackie placed her hand on the her son's, gripping it as a sign of comfort.
«The last time you both come home, one day Nick took me and told me a strange speech before giving me this. - With her other hand, Jackie took a letter out of her robe. - He only told me to give it to you on the first Christmas after his death.»
For the longest second, Brian couldn't find any single word with a complete meaning while his fingertips caressed the traces left by Nick's ink on his name. A lot of questions started to go round his mind but the only thing sure was those words that he was going to find inside that letter, the last reflections of that complicated puzzle Nick was and only few people were able to decode.
That was his last chance to hear, again, Nick's voice and that particular thought gripping and thightening its hand around his heart, a grip so strong that was able to let escape a solitary tear, leaving it abandoned on his hand, on that finger that still kept drawing circles and lines over Nick's handwriting.
When the letter was opened, the world dissapeared, sucked in that small but powerful white sheet. Brian didn't hear his mother leaving, didn't feel her caress on the shoulder or her reassurance not to stay up too late.
His eyes, his senses, his mind were all focused on the letter, attracted to it, holding on to the last fragments of himself, not only of Nick.

«Merry Christmas, Bri - bear.
I know, I know. You hate that nickname. You always cast me such glares when I say it and yes, I have to admit that I love teasing you. But you do the same with me, asking me about capitals when you know that they would never exist if it was for me!
But you are. My Bri-bear, you've always been something I had to protect because too delicate, too frail underneath that armor of strenght that you always wear around yourself. Though that armor isn't indestructible, Apparentely, to the stranger's eyes, it seems like that nothing can really touch you. Nothing can really hurt you. But strangers don't know you like I do. And when you look me with those eyes, that light that makes me feel like the most loved man in the entire universe, I can't stop myself asking and wondering who would be there to protect you if I can't be there.
Christmas.
Christmas was your holiday. Christmas always brought you back to be a child and it was impossible to be a Grinch with you around. Remember that time you force all of us to do a concert because we were blocked in the airport for the snow? We had so much fun. That is Christmas for you. Be together and bring joy, even the smallest flame, to those who aren't as lucky as us.
And now I'm here, lying on a bed you used to sleep in when we didn't even know each other, and I try to think about you during my absence. It hurts. It hurts so much because your absence always clash with the lack of oxigen for me. And I... to think that I'll have to spend an eternity without you... I can't. I'm not able to. But still, if something should ever happen to me, we'll need to learn to live without each other.
You, especially.
I know you wouldn't celebrate Christmas, not maybe this first one. And it's okay, Brian. You don't have to feel guilty and I think that everyone will understand if you won't smile. Don't hide away. And, if should ever feel happy even for just one second, don't feel bad about it.
And even if I won't be there, even if I won't get to see your reaction, I wanna give you my last gift.
I know you won't understand this letter. Sincerely, I don't even understand myself what's the locigal thread that link all these words so I'm just scribbling down my thoughts and then, as always, you will be able to put them together as an important life lesson that only you would be able to find.
There are so many things that I want to say to you, some are so clichè that I feel stupid to even think of writing them down. Some hurt because asking you to move on with your life, asking you to leave me in the past instead than bringing me with you in the new year, seems like the worst sentence. In a way, I'm the one who will force you to do this, to make this decision, so I want you to move on. You have so much life inside of you, so much will to live that I can't, and I don't want, to imagine you still and forever trapped inside the pain and heartache.
You have to go on and you have to do it for all that we had and all that we would have. Tell about us, tell about me and how much I was so boring and annoying.
That's my gift. Or, better, a request.
Wear my ring.
It's inside this letter, that's the reason why you couldn't find it. I told you that I had put it somewhere safe and I didn't lie to you. Because I will give this letter to the person that I trust the most, aside you of course. Anyway, I want you to wear that ring. I know we aren't legally wed and who knows when we will be. Maybe, when or if something will happen to me, we would already be married and I won't ever let you read this letter. But if I should die before that day, then I want you to know for me it was like we were already married. We lived together, you took care of me and our life together while I was slowly learning how to take care of you. That's the true meaning of a wedding, right? It's not a piece of paper. It's not a signature or a celebrating party. A wedding is the union of two lives, it's trying to find a balance between who we were and who we were going to be together. Slowly, we were reaching that point. Slowly, we were already there.
I didn't need a piece of paper to know that you were the other half of my soul. But I knew how much marriage was important to you, I knew that getting married and have a family were your dreams and I had promised myself that I would had always tried to make your dreams come true. That's why I proposed to you. And that... that day has been the happiest in my entire life. I will always bring with me the look on your face even before you said «yes». In that moment I knew, I understood, that I would have loved you until forever and that your side was where I was supposed to be.
That's why I want you to have my ring. In a way, it would be like I'm still with you, trying to take care of you even though I won't be able to caress you, cuddle or, simpler, make sure that you won't forget to eat. I'll be there when you will cry, I'll be there when you will finally be back smiling and living again.
Because one day you're gonna do it and, as always, it will be the most wonderful sound in the world.
And, from up above, I wanna try to help you moving on.
There are people, like me, that when they're shattered and on their knees, they hide in their personal world when they can scream, throw tantrum and let others to clean and put the pieces back together. You aren't like this. Even in your worst moments, you keep going on: all you need is a goal and you still can fight your dragons. You end up wounded, you ennd up with bruises and scratches and, sometimes, you can varely stand still. But you survive, without ever lowering your eyes. I've always admired you for that. I've always loved you for that because you pushed me, without knowing, not to ever give up.
My gift for Christmas, my gift for this Christmas, is to give you a goal.
Inside this envelope, along with the ring, there is a key. I know that you know which key I'm talking about so I won't waste ink and time to say it. It was ur project, it was the place we had chose for what was supposed to become our home.
Do it, Brian.
Bring that old house to life and, at the same time, bring yourself to life.
I know you can do it. I have no doubt about it. And when you will have one, or only a little bit of fear, just look at your ring and the up above. I'll be there with you.
Merry Christmas, my love.»


Everything was a blur. Letters, words, dots and lines were all black points as tears streamed down without meeting any obstacle. Trembling fingers, still holding those pages, went to search those two objects. They found the ring, a simple white gold ring.
«You know why the rings have this form? Because a circle is the perfect metaphor for love because it has no beginning and no end. It goes on forever and forever, just like our love.»
His own words, spoken while him and Nick were trying to find the perfect ring, came back to his mind like a hard punch.
«Forever. - He whispered, his voice broken by the tears while he put the ring on his finger. - Forever.» He said once again, leaving a kiss on the cold metal and imaging, for one second, that he was kissing Nick's lips.
Chapter End Notes:
Long chapter! Sorry if there are some mistakes. I'm so tired that some might have slipped away while checking.