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Morning came sneaking in between the cracks of the shutters, bringing inside a strong-smelling of sea and that first hint of warmth that Brian still wasn’t accustomed to link with the winter. The first sun rays painted squares of light on the wooden floor, reflecting centimeters of dust, sand and dirt that abandonment had created during the past months. For a long moment he just observed those small circles, wondering if they were that much different from him: the only difference was a beating heart but, just like them and that house, even Brian had been abandoned, left alone for months in a place covered only by darkness before he had been able to see the sun and the light once again. And that was the reason why he had came there; that was the reason why Nick sent him to that place.

To start all over again.

Thus it seemed like cheating. Live again when all he wanted to do was going back under the blankets and let himself be made prisoner of images and memories of a time when he had been happy. Going back to those moments when thinking himself without Nick was only a spasm, a sharp pain that flow away quickly because Nick’s smile, laugh and voice made Brian remember that it was only that, only a cruel and bad thought. Now, instead, pain would arrive when he thought about those fragments of time and did not leave his side. It became less acute, perhaps, but it had became slyer because it didn’t disappear, it just stayed and made himself a companion in all those small gestures that were slowly building a new way of life.

Brian’s hand like always, like used to, reached towards the bedside table, there where he had left his phone the night before. But, for the first time, his fingers returned and lie upon the pillow instead than calling that familiar and yet so painful number. For all those previous weeks calling Nick’s phone had been the veil that hid and protected Brian from that cold world where he had to find a new place for himself; calling Nick’s phone had been his alibi for not facing life and for let it keep going on without having to say or do something to control it.

But not anymore. Brian couldn’t hide anymore.

With still lethargic and sleepy movements Brian got up from the couch, stretching muscles that weren’t used to be confined in such a small space. Back at home, back at the old house, he had been sleeping on a couch, still, but much bigger since it had been impossible using a bed that had never felt so cold and with so much more space than before. Here, instead, there was only an old couch that he and Nick had found in a flea market, on which they never slept because Nick’s legs had been too much long, no matter how romantic it could had been the idea of sleeping all snuggled up together.

Once the windows had been opened, the sun decided to sneak inside while Brian stepped out on the balcony that faced the ocean and the beach. He never thought he could end up loving that scenery so much, for he had seen it only a few times during all of his life. He loved nature, he loved the peace and tranquility brought by a simple walk through the trees or the woods. Maybe he had started to love the sea when he had met Nick, that very first time Nick took him on his boat and Brian had seen him finally free to be himself. And then Brian found himself reaching the beach and walk close to the water without Nick by his side, during all those moments when the desire to him had been too strong to swallow because the boy could be so damn stubborn and impossible to deal with. And yet, impossible was also not loving him despite everything. Then Brian had found himself needing to hear the sounds of the waves crashing on the sand to be able to fall asleep; or needing minutes, stretched to eternity, to just stand there and observe the blue of the ocean mixing and fading into the color of the sky while be painted with red and pink strokes.

He could heal there.

Watching the sun raising up from the water, Brian could admit that to himself for the very first time. He would always going to feel and miss Nick, he would always going to feel like someone had went and crushed a part of his heart, tearing away and making him living without it. But he could learn to live with that scar, he could learn to live without feeling like he was on the verge of not being able to breathe because Nick’s absence was so much suffocating that even his lungs had decided not to work and function.

He could do it.

Although it still seemed like an impossible mission.





****************




Night had already fallen when Brian took the phone into his hands. No one had called, no one had sent a message and Brian didn’t feel disappointed or sad. No, that was an half lie. A part of himself was still waiting for a call that would made him find out that the previous months had been only a nightmare or a bad joke. A part of Brian was still convinced that something in that story didn’t sound right and this idea would grow bigger and stronger every time he’d find a letter or a not from Nick, left around like clues of a plan that still he couldn’t see in its whole.

Brian was proud of himself. He was proud of being able to survive a whole day without reaching for the phone and call Nick every time something, even the smallest and most useless, would happen like having decided the bathroom’s furniture or to take down that wall between the kitchen and the living room so that it could be as brighter as possible. Brian was proud of only had slipped once, frozen by a memory that had came suddenly and had held him prisoner until he had been able to find the courage and strength necessary to take away that image and keep moving on. He was proud because the only time he left himself few of crying had been when he had found those projects that he had drawn himself and on which Nick had left a note. In that very moment Brian hadn’t been able to stop the tears from streaming down while his fingertips followed and traced the sings left by the pen Nick had held inside his hand, as if he could create some kind of invisible link with Nick. And that had been the moment when Brian had taken the phone and dialed the number. Every time Brian was still surprised and shocked that the number was still available. And every time Brian thought that it was maybe the time for disconnecting it but not now, not when he wasn’t still ready to accept Nick’s death and the fact that he would never come back to him.

“Remember when I made those drawings? You were sleeping, sound asleep like always while I couldn’t sleep. I was so damn excited about the fact that we had found our home, our refuge from the world and everything. So I went on the balcony and I started to draw how all of these rooms would had to be. And then, so suddenly, I felt your arms wrapped around my shoulders, a silent hug while you observed how those pencil’s lines came together and created our future home.
I can... you know that I can stay here and tell you about all the things that I’ve done today but you probably already saw them from your cloud. But I can tell you that I went down and met some of the people who live here. And I’ve met our... my neighbor. An old lady, I believe she has already taken me under her wing because she told me that I have to eat her apple pie. Am I that much skinny? Do I really look I haven’t been eaten for months? You know that I’ve always been like this, there are moments when I simply forget how to take care of myself if it means to forget and run away from everything that is raging inside my mind. And then... back then there was you. I’ve never told you but I loved being taken care of by you. And you always did it so silently that maybe you have simply not noticed that I knew what you were doing and how much I was grateful of. Or maybe you knew. Or maybe you know just now.”


Silence became a companion together with the ocean’s waves and the quiet jabber of some animals hidden inside the grass. The beach was empty, the white sand reflected a particular bright moon’s silhouette.

“It’s going to be beautiful. The house, I mean. And I’m already starting to think what to do once this project would be over. Am I going too fast? I don’t know, Kevin and my parents want me to speak with someone but... I’ve never been good and great with talking about my feelings or problems with strangers. With you... it was easy with you. It’s still easy with you. You understood me like no one else and I knew that you would never make fun of me or downplay any of my troubles. That’s why I still keep calling you.”

Brian sat on one of the rock, an arm circled around his knees and the other that still held tight the phone. Without making themselves heard, few tears started to stream down without being stopped because Brian felt strong only when the sun kept him busy. But in those dark moments loneliness became as if it was a physical pain, it hurt to reach out his hand and find that no one was there with him. How did he manage before Nick had been in his life? Brian couldn’t remember that phase of his life, he only saw it as a circle of blurred images, all of them grey and black because color had entered into his world only when he had met Nick. Because Nick had been his best friend even before they fell in love. Nick had been his companion in every adventure, he had been the one person he could spend a whole day just playing basketball without having the need or feeling forced to say something.

And Brian had never felt so utterly alone just like he felt in that moment.

“I miss you. - Brian murmured raising his eyes up to the moon, as if it could be a messanger between him and Nick. Wherever Nick was. – I miss your hugs. I miss walking and knowing that I can reach and I’ll find your hand and fingers to hold. I miss babbling about everything and know that you are there listening to all of my words, even so that you can make fun of me later. I miss having you here and telling me that it isn’t stupid crying over a stupid movie or for a romantic gesture. I miss not having you anymore by my side. I miss you.”
Chapter End Notes:
I apologize for the delay.
I've been very busy and I'm still sick most of the time so I didn't have that much time to sit down and translate. I'll try my best to do better but it seems that I will try to at least update once a week. =)
Thanks for reading and for the patience.