Red hearts, of every dimensions and shape, had climbed on the walls of shops and pubs; some had decided to get away from their brothers and sisters and had decided to wrap themselves around the chandeliers so to have much more chances to be seen. Couples of stuffed animals, from dogs to pigs in the middle of cows and kittens, had their eyes locked together or had signs with red writings and small hearts all around the letters. S. Valentine’s day had full exploded and it had done it even in that small town where the local restaurant had promoted a special dinner for that night only; the florist gave a small rose to every customer and even the baker had baked heart-shaped bread and biscuits.
They had never been lucky with that festivity, him and Nick. Something had always happened, as if every star and constellation agreed to obstacle their night: missed flights; getting lost in the woods to get to a cabin that revealed to be almost bare with only the basic needs fulfilled as in a bed and a bathroom; gifts gotten lost o misplaced by the cashiers. None of those, still, couldn’t win over what had happened the last year, when Nick had decided to cook from scratch, since it had always been Brian the one caring and making the meals for everyday. Oh, Brian had loved that thought, he had treasured that wanting to do something that usually Nick wouldn’t ever done it.
But.
There was a but and that was the reason why he had never let Nick around or near the kitchen, allowing him only to make pancakes and tea, which were the only things that couldn’t risk burning down the house. And the year before it hadn’t been a fire to ruin S. Valentine’s day but the small detail that Nick seemed to have forgotten while he was making the dessert: his allergy to walnut. So they hadn’t spent the day lingering on the balcony, with that pale moonlight to witness their dinner but they had been first in the waiting room for hours and then in a hospital room until the next morning. And between the waiting and the apologies, they had decided that they wouldn’t celebrate S. Valentine’s day the next year. No, definitely not. They would have spent the day doing things normally, ignoring the fact that the whole world had been turned into red hearts from evening to morning. But life had decided for Brian that year. Crudely, it had taken away the chance to forget all about that promise and make another one, silent and invisible until that day, and that was to surprise Nick and prepare a little and romantic dinner.
Brian had never really loved S. Valentine’s day. Or, better saying, he had never loved that commercial factor that every year seemed to increase and get bigger and bigger, diminishing the real and true meaning of that celebration. Because, in the end, that was what Brian really loved about that day: having a day to dedicate completely and totally to the loved one and be able to say once again that there was no need any more to search for their soul mate ‘cause they’ve already found it in each others.
And now Brian didn’t have that chance any more.
But the curse of S. Valentine’s day seemed not to have received that message because, precise and on time like a Swiss watch, it had knocked on the door and had sneaked inside even if it hadn’t been allowed until it had been too late to shut it out. Partially, Brian had waited for that curse: the day before there had been a storm and he had been caught in the middle of it while he was busy fixing and repairing a broken window at Mrs. Hudson’s house, his neighbor. Once he had managed to sneak inside, the damage had been already done since the storm had blown up the electricity for some hours and he had been able to take a hot shower only towards the evening. So it hadn’t been a surprise or a shock waking up that morning with the feeling that someone had taken and put him in the washing machine, a spin cycle included and then throw him in bed like he had been a wrinkled shirt.
There was no one that Brian could call for help, thanks for his decision to be away from everything and everyone. Not that he would have done it anyway. His pride had always had a too bitter and hard taste to swallow and only Nick had managed to soften that angle, sneaking inside in ways that couldn’t be untied even during his absence.
As always, with an instinct that even the fever and the shivers couldn’t defeat, his fingers found the phone and the buttons that made up Nick’s number. Few rings and then that click that, on that day, echoed more painful in his mind; echoes that soon were replaced by the metallic voice and, lastly, by a beep.
"Nick... I don’t even know what to say to you... what more can I say after all of these months? What can I say to you in this very moment? In reality, I don’t want to talk to you because I can barely let air out of my lips without being in pain. Remember? Do you remember how you used to take care of me? You would sigh, you would lie and fake complaining because it would be you the one cleaning but then you would come closer, sit next to me and bringing all my favorite movies. And you would end up watching them even if I would sleep all the time and you were bored. I’ve always worried you. Even the smallest cold was enough to worry. And now you might be up there worried but not able to do nothing. I’m sorry.”
The fingers let the phone fall down and, insulted by the way it was being treated; it decided to roll over the sheets and to fall then on the floor. Blurred images started to dance before Brian’s eyes until the dark decided to take control and wrap its blanket all around his body.
§_§_§_§_§_§_§_§_§
It was the scent that woke Brian up. It was a mystery how he had been able to smell it, considering that his nose was all stuffed up but it was an aroma he had always been afraid to forget about it easily. That thought was enough to make him open widely his eyes while a pale ray of light was sufficient to disturb and wake his headache, along with all the other symptoms: shivers, sweat, heat and then cold again. The smell didn’t vanish when Brian woke up, it lingered in the air while he took noticed of small details that, at least when he had fallen asleep, hadn’t been in the room: bottles of water where on the bedside table along with medicine and cough syrup and, when he looked a little bit over the bed, Brian noticed a basin full of water and wet towels on the floor. He couldn’t have been the one taking and bringing them with him because he didn’t even remember doing it, especially because he would never left something wet on the new parquet.
Feeling much weaker than what he thought, Brian tried to sit up or, at least, to lean on his elbows so he stayed like that, in that half position, when he realized what else wasn’t right in the room: the television was turned on, though the audio had been muted. No, it wasn’t only the television. It was also the human figure kneeling in front and working over the dvd reader.
His breath got caught in the throat while the only sound that he was able to hear was his own beating, running wild and angry. No, it couldn’t be. It couldn’t be something that was really happening. Brian blinked more than once, rubbing his eyes but nothing seemed to change: he still could see all blurred but that figure hadn’t vanished as he had hoped if that had been a dream.
But it was impossible.
He tried opening his mouth. He tried to pronounce that name but his voice stayed blocked inside his throat and then, when it finally escaped, it was a rough whisper.
“N... Nick?”
If it had been one of his dream, that shadow would have disappear or vanished into the air as soon as he spoke that name. But, instead, it got up and turned around, making physically impossible to deny that it wasn’t Nick, even though the blonde of the hair had left place to a dark brown. But all the rest, starting from the blue eyes to the features of the face and that first hint of beard, that always had made him look older and that Brian never liked on Nick because the boy always loved to itch against his forehead with the excuse of a caress. That shadow was Nick indeed, without a doubt. But there was no doubt that it couldn’t be Nick.
“You... you can’t be here. You should be dead.”
“You’re right. On both things, actually. I’m dead and I shouldn’t be here.”
The voice hadn’t changed. Brian had been convinced to have forgotten about it, to have lost every little detail that had made Nick’s voice so unique, especially because they were always directed to him and not everyone else. Instead it was exactly how he remembered it and that was enough to make him tear up.
“But you are here. What are you then?”
Nick came close to the bed and sat on the board, keeping himself a little bit distant from Brian.
“I don’t know exactly. Most probably I’m a hallucination, considering how high your fever is.” He reached out with his hand, placing it on Brian’s forehead first and then resting it on the cheek. There Brian placed his fingers upon Nick’s while trying to save in every way possible and imaginable the most of that caress. Oh, how he missed them! How he missed being touched by Nick, even if it had been a brush of fingers or a soft kiss on the skin.
“Why did you go away?”
“I didn’t want to. – Nick murmured, leaning his lips on Brian’s head. – Believe me, leaving you was the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
“I don’t believe it. I can’t believe that you’re dead, not with all those letters...”
“I am, Brian. I am dead. And you’ve to accept it. Do you really believe that I can lie to you? That I can lie to you about something like that?”
“We were so good with keeping things secret.” Brian replied with a smile.
“Yes, we are. But with world. I’ve never been able to lie to you, even when I wanted it so badly.”
“And the letters?”
“I’ve wrote them a long time ago, Brian.”
“Why? If it had been an accident, how can you...” Brian shook his head, finding himself with the world spinning dangerously around him and with black dots that were rapidly taking place over shape and colors. Nick made him lie down again, whispering to close his eyes right when Brian was starting to open them again. So, not being able to count on his sight, Brian kept holding Nick’s hand, just to reassure himself that he was still here with him. Even if he was a ghost or a hallucination. It didn’t matter, it wasn’t important: his biggest wish had been to have Nick back again by his side and that was enough, even if it was only in his imagination. A fresh sensation made its way through those thoughts, bringing a brief relief and a break from the heat that was burning him like a fire.
“Why?”
Nick kept wetting Brian’s head for a few moments, silent, before leaving the towel on the skin and lying down next to him.
“You know that sometimes I have strange thoughts. I can’t remember exactly what brought it up but I knew that I had to reassure that you would be able to move on if I would have died before you. I knew this would shatter you because... Bri, you basically built all your life around mine. But now the right thing to do is to move. It’s okay. You have to live your life.”
A small gesture of denial, fingers that tightened up a little bit more around Nick’s hand.
“How? All I’m doing is turning around and around only to find out that nothing is working.”
“You’ll find a way, Brian. You have always done it and that is one of the thing that I love about you. Don’t let this thing bring you down, okay? You’ll keep on living, you will find new ways and, one day, you’ll be happy again. And I’ll be happy for you.”
“But I want to be happy with you. – The last syllable was blocked in a tear, the first free that led the others out from the reins. Brian found himself surrounded by a Nick that couldn’t bring anything back but, at least, could offer the last hug of comfort. – Why? Why can’t I be happy with you? What the hell did I do wrong to lose you like that?”
“It’s not your fault. It will never be your fault, Bri... – Even Nick’s voice broke, though tears and followers weren’t able to escape from the control Nick was holding onto. – There are things that happen in life without a meaning...”
“Please, save it! – Brian interrupted Nick immediately. – Did they give you some kind of pamphlet in heaven?”
“Am I really a bad actor?”
“Something like that.”
“One day, Brian, I promise that one day we will be together again. And we will be the happiest couple of angels. But now you have to think about yourself. That’s the meaning of all these letters, that’s what I’m trying to make you understand. And I’ll be happier up there if I know that you’re not shattered because of him, that you still brighten up the world with your smile. You can do million things, Brian. You can still love so much, don’t close off because of the pain.”
Brian chose not to reply at that last request of love. How could Nick have the nerve to ask him something like that? How could he dare do ask him to love someone else when all his love had already been poured on the best man he would ever be able to meet? But anger couldn’t escape anymore, every energy had been used for staying awake, even if he knew that sleep was the best medicine for his body. But he couldn’t sleep. Not when that was the only and the last chance he would ever had to speak with Nick. To be just with him.
“There are going to be others? I mean, other letters?”
The index took a few curls away from the wet forehead. “If you want, yes.”
“What do you mean? It’s not like you can make them magically disappear.”
“Don’t underestimate my power of angel.”
The laughter flew away just for a few second but it was the first time it felt real. Alive. It was surreal that situation, it was the most unreal thing that ever happened to him, not including Nick’s death. It was surreal because, for the first time, Brian felt like he had finally come out from those months of hell, finally alive and aware of his emotions and feelings.
“Sleep Brian.”
No, no, no. It couldn’t end so soon. A faint and weak complaint but every muscle and bone had already been defeat in that battle.
“No. – Brian still kept on resisting. – If I fell asleep, you won’t be there when I wake up.”
“I’ll always be here, Brian.”
The last memory, before leaving his body to the dreams, was the feeling of lips upon his, locked in a kiss with a bitter taste. The last word, though, was his whisper.
“I love you, Nick.”
§_§_§_§_§_§_§_§_§
It was already late morning when Brian woke up again. Suddenly, with his heart beating like crazy because it couldn’t have been only a dream. Definitely no. But the room was empty, the television was off and there weren’t around the dvds that Nick, the ghost slash spirit of Nick, had been trying to make them work only the previous day; gone were also all the medicines, syrup and wet towels on the bedside table.
Still, the scent of Nick lingered in the air.
He couldn’t have gone completely crazy, he couldn’t have been so weak and feverish to have imagined Nick by his side.
“I’m dead, Brian. And you have to accept it.”
It seemed like that it had been his conscience to speak, as if it had to take shape and substance to be finally heard and understood. But still Brian couldn’t, or wouldn’t, accept those words, not when there was still that perfume flying in the air as a proof that it couldn’t have been a dream, though so vivid and real.
No, he hadn’t gone crazy.
With energies he didn’t even know he had, Brian got up and started to put on his clothes. From the closet he took the sweater that Nick had left him and, without caring about being light-headed or about the shivers till running through his body, Brian flew out from the house. Closed the door behind his back, he went to his neighbor’s house: surely she had seen something if someone had been there.
“Mrs. Hudson! Mrs. Hudson!” The sound of his fists hitting the door was much louder than his voice but Brian knew that the old lady would be able to hear him still. And after a few minutes the door was opened, letting the woman appear on the doorstep, a tiny lady almost sixty-years old with a smile and warmth that didn’t differ from someone she had always knew and someone, like Brian, she had just met a few weeks before.
“Brian, what’s wrong? – The woman asked, observing carefully the man. – Are you feeling okay? You look a little bit too pale but it isn’t something that one of my herbal teas can’t cure. Come in.”
“No, no, I’m okay. I mean, I have a cold but...”
“Ah! I’ve told you to wear something a little bit warmer!”
“Yes, Mrs. Hudson. – Brian answered with a sigh. – You’ve said it. But I need to ask you something.”
“Why don’t you come inside? Young man, you don’t look good.”
Brian ignored the advice, cause that was he had always done when someone would point out how he wasn’t doing okay: close his eyes, smile and a joke ready to hide the truth. Only Nick never believed me, only Nick took time to discover and untie his mask.
“Have you seen someone getting inside my house yesterday? Tall, blonde, not much thin. – Brian tried to remember what Nick was wearing but everything was a blur because of the high fever. – Jeans. He wore a pair of jean.”
“You mean if I saw your Nick?” Mrs. Hudson asked, a compliant note inside her tone. She knew who Nick was, they had talked about it one of the first times that Brian had been there to fix something for her.
“Yes.”
“Brian...”
“I’m not crazy, Mrs. Hudson.”
“I wasn’t saying that. Do you know how many times I’ve seen my poor Tom? But it wasn’t real and you know that.”
“So you haven’t seen any one?”
“No, no one. You know how much time I spend in front of the window since I’m all alone.”
Tears returned to sting but Brian didn’t let them appeared, biting down his lip until a sharp pain started to take attention. The small hope had vanished, it didn’t have any reason to exist if the only person that could confirm it hadn’t seen anything strange. Or no one. So there was only one conclusion but it was the hardest to admit. Even to himself.
“It’s okay. – Brian murmured with a faint smile. – Must have been the fever. I’m sorry for the disturb.” He then started to turn around, read to hide away once again and use that second plan, that plan he never wanted to use because he thought that he could count on his own energy. But it seemed that he had been wrong.
“Brian, wait! Just come inside...”
“It’s okay Mrs. Hudson. I won’t be here for a couple of days but you can call me in case you need something, okay?” He didn’t give her the time for replying; in a breath of wind he had already crossed that small patch of beach that separated the two houses. He needed only a few things, just the necessary to go inside a duffel bag and then he was out from the house once again and inside his car.
Brian didn’t think about anything during the car driving but focused all of his energies to try to avoid any car accident. How he managed Brian didn’t know, no matter how many miles or how many hours he spent driving. It was night, the sky had already turned owner of the dark while the stars were just starting to light on and shine.
For a few moments, Brian stayed inside his car. He had promised himself to reach that place only if he really needed it; he had promised himself to ask for help only when he would realize that he couldn’t do on his own. He had promised it and, unlike someone else, he didn’t break his words.
“Just promise it, Brian. Promise me that if you ever feel like that you will come to me instead that even thinking about doing something that extreme.”
“Okay.”
It wasn’t really like that, he wasn’t in the state where taking his like seemed to be the perfect solution. But he wasn’t okay, and not only because he had just driven with a fever. One thing was to still call a number and leave a message because he wasn’t ready to cut all the ropes with his past; another thing was to imagine his dead boyfriend and have a normal conversation with him. So that was the reason why he was there, that was the reason why he needed to be around people, real and living people. He couldn’t go on like that, although he still hadn’t a clue about how to find his new direction. For now, that had to be Kevin’s house.
The door was opened almost immediately, as if Kevin had seen him from the window and he had waited for him to go out and knock instead than walking outside like a hero.
“Sorry for coming like this. But... but you have said that I could come if...” Brian couldn’t finish the sentence, his pride too strong to let him pronounce those words in the same way it forced him to lower his gaze for the shame and the embarrassment.
Two arms wrapped him inside a hug and, for a moment, Brian felt himself brought back to the other night when another one had hugged him.
“I’m going crazy, Kevin. – He whispered, hiding his face in Kevin’s shoulder. – I thought I was doing better but... I’m going crazy. And Nick is dead. For real. There are no more doubts, there is no more hope. I don’t know what to do.”
“You have a fever.” Kevin just stated, knowing that Brian didn’t need words full of comfort or confirmation.
“Yes. And I’ve imagined that Nick was taking care of me. The worst is that it felt so real.”
“Okay. You know that you can stay here as long as you like, right? And you aren’t crazy.”
Brian just nodded, letting Kevin walking him towards the room that had always been his when he had been visiting or those rare times when he had a bad fight with Nick.
Kevin stayed some minutes just observing the cousin, wondering when that nightmare would be finally over. And the last gesture, before closing the door and letting Brian sleeping, was to raise his eyes up and curse Nick: it was irrational, or maybe it wasn’t, but he had never been mad like he was now with Nick.
