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Leave a message after the beep.
Leave a message after the beep.
Leave a message after the beep.


The phone would still ring, the answering machine would take over after the empty ringing and, without fail, Brian would close the calling after some seconds of static silence.
For the first time since everything had happened he didn’t have a clue about what to say to Nick.
For the first time since he had started that routine, Brian realized how much ridiculous that behavior had been, especially ‘cause it had always been tied with the belief that once, an unexpected time, someone would had picked up the phone and answer his calling. The hope, wishing and believe that Nick would answered him and end that nightmare and agony.

With a sigh, Brian closed the phone and put it away in his pocket, hugging the jacket closer to his neck so to bring more shelter from the cold wind that was rustling and whispering silently and undisturbed. He didn’t want to be sick again, he already wasted so much time and Brian wasn’t thinking only about that week spent in bed victim and prisoner of the fever. That had been his last seatback, metaphorically speaking. It had been perhaps the most painful one, maybe because for the first time he came to face Nick’s death as a full blown, without having corners where to hide from.
For the first time, so, Brian felt utterly lost.
Oh, he had already felt that feeling! But never had he felt it this suffocating, The previous months, the previous getting back on his feet after being hit by the wind had always been softened by the hope that it was all fleeting. He just had to wait, he just had to hold on and, maybe, Nick would come back and fixed all the broken pieces left behind his missing. The letters, all the plans Nick made for him, were only little ways for not letting him sway but, in the end, they were palliative treatments: Brian never put them in practice for his sake, even though most of the times he had repeated it like a mantra; no, Brian used them while he kept around himself that illusion that now a fever had been able to break so neatly.
Lost.
Brian was back at square one but it wasn’t like all those months had been erased and brushed over. There wasn’t the desperation and the agony of the first days anymore but, this time, there was only a cold and sad resignation and acceptance. He was alone, he had been left alone and keep crying over it wasn’t going to help him or bring Nick back from the death.
But he didn’t have a direction anymore. He had lost his compass, he had built his entire world around a cornerstone that now was lost and he hadn’t had any real plans for the future. For someone who had faced death, for someone who had always considered the future something like a chimera out of reach, the present had always been what mattered the most. That was the reason why Brian never made many plans, following Nick’s lead. It had always been Nick the one who got so many ideas running through his head, it had always been Nick the one drawing the outlines of how their future should have been and Brian had always letting him doing it because it didn’t matter if they would end up in a forgotten small town or all around the world: all it mattered to him was being together and building, day after day, their life.
Not anymore.
Day bay day. That was how he was going to live his life from now on. His life after Nick. His life where Nick’s absence still weighted and, at the same time, strengthened and pushed him to find a way to be happy again. He owed it to Nick, yes, but most he owed to himself and to all the people affected by that death and that were still cheering for him.
Day by day but, still, with a sense of where he should be going.

“You are always so good at adapting yourself to the situation. – Nick had said once to him. – We took you away from your home, from your quiet normality and threw you in something bigger and different and, yet, you didn’t even blink. You adapted perfectly, like it was all normal.”
“It was.”
“See? That is what I’m saying. You... you take everything as if it’s perfectly normal and that’s why you’ve never had many problems…”
“Nick, you know that it’s a false truth. I had my share of problems with fame. You know how much close I was to quit...”
“But you didn’t. After awhile, you found a way to keep going.”


Get used to. Yes, Nick had been right. He knew how to get used and adapt. And, apparently, it seemed something so natural and simple. But it wasn’t, especially when the world kept turning around, people kept leaving him alone and he found himself to change once again, even though when all he wanted was to stay exactly where he was.

“If we are really doing this, if we are really going to quit the group and leave, what would you love to do?”
Brian snuggled inside Nick’s embrace, tickling the skin of the neck with his nose before answering him. “I don’t know! – He said with a laughter. – And what’s the point talking about it right now? Wait, you already know what are you going to do?”
A kiss was placed on his shoulder. “I’ve always wanted to live by the ocean. Fix boats, selling them. It seems perfect, no?”
“Mh... I can actually picture you all dressed up as a sailor.”
“Don’t make fun of me! I’m being serious!”
“Serious and Nick are two things that never get along well, you know?”
A slap on the shoulder took the place of those lips and kiss. “Idiot! Seriously, what would you love to do?”
“I don’t know, Nick. Maybe I can start right where I left everything when I got called in Orlando.”
“College, you mean?”
“Maybe not as a choir director. Or maybe yes, I don’t know. Nick, I really don’t know. And I don’t see the need to worry about it when we have five minutes before going on stage.”


A smile curved Brian’s lips as that memory slipped away from his mind. There wasn’t bitterness anymore in recalling the past, there wasn’t anymore that tip of pain to shadow all those moments lived together, good and bad indiscriminately. Brian couldn’t say when that change had started but those images, those memories, weren’t something to be afraid of and hate; on the contrary, they were small caresses and cuddles that left him with a little bit of warmth and reminded him that Nick would never be out or erased from his life.
There was still so much he could do. There was still so much he could give and, maybe, one day he would might find someone to fill that emptiness inside his heart and life. For the first time that thought didn’t came as a sharp knife right through his heart, poisoned with betrayal: for the first time it seemed more like a something to achieve, perhaps because Brian knew that it was something that Nick wanted for him.
Be happy.
Day by day, that was Brian repeated to himself. Step by step, without feeling the rush to accelerate or trying to get faster to the destination. He owed to himself, he owed to that part that he had hidden when he met Nick. It was time to discover it once again, it was time to dust old habits and interests off and tie them with the man he had become thanks to Nick and find, then, a new identity. And there wasn’t another place to start that journey than there, where everything had been born and where he had closed a door behind himself not only two months ago.
Their old house.
Most of all, maybe, that building was the symbol of everything because it represented Brian, the ghost of Nick and their story: dark, abandoned and lifeless, waiting for someone to tell it what would have been of its destiny. Boxes chipped along the hall, white sheets covered the furniture and the curtains had been closed so tight not to let any light inside. And to forbid that anyone, jackals and fans, would try to look inside and find something interesting or shocking about Nick. Even if they would find a way to get into, they would end up disappointed because they wouldn’t be able to find nothing worth: the most precious things were safe with him, in a closet back at his new home; other stuff had been given to the others and something had been sent to Nick’s family, although Brian already knew that that stuff met an unfortunate destiny.
Careful not to trip and fall over, Brian went upstairs and into their bedroom. How long had it been since he last stepped inside? Since Nick had been gone, he really went into a few times and only the time necessary to take or close a box. Leaning against the doorframe, Brian observed that room with sadness and nostalgia: before his eyes, black and white images went through all the happiest moments lived inside that room: that morning when Nick didn’t want to wake up and he tried everything to get him out of the bed; all those nights spent reading while Nick was watching one of his shows about aliens, only to welcome him inside his arms when he would start with one of his horror movies. He didn’t have any more anger or hate inside. He couldn’t be mad any more at what he had lost because now every fiber of his being vibrated knowing how much lucky he had been to have all of that. With eyes wet from a tear of nostalgia, Brian picked up the last two boxes he had left inside the wardrobe because too painful at that time.
He turned on the light but, of course, there was no electricity. He stayed like that for a few seconds, wondering what he could do, when he remembered about the flashlight he had hidden inside the closet.

“Why are you putting a flashlight inside the wardrobe? Are we going to Narnia?”
“No but it’s your entire fault!”
“Mine? What the hell did I do now? Why must it always be me the one to blame?”
“Who is the one who always force me to watch those horror movies even if I’m afraid?”
“Okay. It’s my fault. But why?”
“Why are you making me watching them? I don’t know, I ask myself the same thing every time.”
“No, why are you putting a flashlight inside the closet?”
“Because if I hear a weird sound, I can hide here and close myself inside. I just have to put a mini fridge somewhere and some food and then I can probably hide here for a long time.”
Instead of replying or laughing, Nick just lowering himself and placed a kiss on the top of Brian’s head. “I just love you, you know?”


There it was, among old clothes that should have been given to charity. It still worked, and that was literally a miracle itself. So Brian made himself comfortable, using some of those clothes as cushions, and with the flashlight in one hand he opened the first box. Nick had called it the “black box”, like the one that could be find on boats or planes: in the same exact way, that container of cardboard guarded all the signs of what had been the darkest phase of not only Nick’s life but even of their love story. Brochures of rehab centers, business cards of therapist and psychologist, medical charts, notes with resolutions erased by tears. And, at the end of the box, a bottle of vodka still full. Brian still remembered what it represented and why Nick had placed in the bottom, as if he wanted to remember himself how that had been his lowest moment, where he had been to get up on his feet and start all over again. He had been strong, Nick. He had been stronger than what he had always believed, stronger than what he had been always imagined.
If Nick had been able to do that, why couldn’t Brian do the same thing?
He placed the bottle back again and then closed the box, passing on the second one. There were had been held lighter memories, old pictures from childhood and all the music sheets that Nick had used when he was doing all those music competition.

“I know it hadn’t been a normal childhood. I know that a lot of my problems had been born in that period but... I thank everyday for having those teachers who made me fall in love with music. If I didn’t have it, Bri, I don’t where I would be now. Maybe I would have never met you.”

The idea popped up suddenly but it was the very first wave of energy that Brian felt running inside his veins. Finally there weren’t only clouds in front of him: there were images, plans that were starting to grow and almost pushed each others to become even bigger. A spark was all that it needed, a first flame to finally burn a light in the midst of all that darkness. Brian didn’t know if it could work, he didn’t even know if he could do it but, at least, it was a beginning.
Closed the second box too, Brian got up and took it along with him, closing the closet behind his back. A last glance. A last breath of that air that already smelled as old.
“Thank you, Nick. For everything.” He just whispered, closing the door behind himself and going downstairs and out of the house.




*******



Kevin had always seemed to find things difficult when it came to Brian because, if something were to lack in the cousin, it wasn’t certainly being unpredictable: you were waiting for a reaction and he would surprise you with the total opposite.
Like in those days.
Like that morning.
For all week Brian had barely spoke, partially because of the fever but, for the rest, it was mostly because that was how he was and Kevin learned time ago to leave the guy alone with his thoughts until he felt ready to share them with someone else. He had got used to see a shadow walking inside that boy, a pale ghost of the man who smiled and laughed at every joke and everyone, himself included, had resigned themselves to live with that Brian.
Not that morning.
That morning, entering in the kitchen had been like stepping inside another dimensions, one where music was coming from the laptop left turned on and Brian’s voice sang along while he was busy preparing the coffee. Something that Brian seemed to have drunk for long hours, judging by the fact that the whole table was covered with pages.

“Good morning.”

“Oh, morning. – Brian replied, turning towards Kevin and smiling, before going back to the coffee. – Did I wake you up?”

“Well, I still think I’m sleeping.” It was Kevin’s joke, wrapped around a genuine irony.

“I know. You were still expecting the ghost, right?”

“In a sense…”

Brian turned off the music and stood in silence until the whistle of the coffee maker announced that the transformation from water to coffee had been a success. Still in silence, he poured some into two cups and took one to Kevin, sitting then down on the chair near the window and the laptop.

“I can’t say that I’m a total different person now, Kevin. And I can’t even tell you that I’ll always be like this but, for the first time, I know how to move on. And I’m not afraid.”

“So that was what blocked you? You were afraid of forgetting Nick?”

“Yes. Foolishly I thought that he would come back so there was no reason to start all over again. I just had to wait and survive somehow. I... I felt like I was betraying him if I started to move on.”

“No one is forcing you to...”

“I know. But you know that I’m not the type of guy who just sits in a corner and cries over his problems. And I’m not the only one who has lost Nick.”

It was true, Kevin said to himself. It hadn’t been only Brian the one losing a friend or a brother and everyone, himself included, still found hard to comprehend that they couldn’t just pick up the phone and ask Nick to just come back anymore. But it was different. They had their own family, they had their own life that was still going on even without Nick’s presence and, especially, they all had someone by their side that could take care of them when things got tougher, when it took only a simple object to being back bittersweet memories from the past.

“What are all those pages?” Kevin decided to ask instead.

“I hope my future,”

“It seems interesting. – Kevin commented, reading here and there on the pages. – Are you sure about this?”

“I don’t think I can go back on a stage anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love music and I love to sing but being famous has never been my dream. And it will be strange and weird being up there without him. At least for now. It’s an adventure.”

“Oh, that’s for sure!”

A mild and soft laughter flown away before being silenced by a sip of coffee. “Yep. I’m starting in September and then... who knows. I’ve decided to live day by day but, at least, I know how to get back to living. And I know that, somehow, I have Nick’s approval.”

A smile appeared on Kevin’s face. “Nick had always said that, among all of us, you were the one who would never have a problem going back and live a normal life. And is there something more normal than this?” Kevin ended his question holding the last page that still needed Brian’s signature.

“Well, it’s what I was supposed to do if you hadn’t called me. And I know I can make a difference.”

“And what are you going to do until September?”

“Finish the house. I’ll help Mrs. Hudson with her thousand and endless duties. And I was thinking about bringing back my charity. I know I’ve abandoned it but it’s something that I still care for so… I was thinking about visiting some hospitals, creating new programs. I don’t know but I’ll keep myself busy.”

“Don’t make the same mistake. Don’t burn yourself only not to think too much.”

“Easier said than done. But I promise I’ll try my best.”

“I’m okay with your word. You’ve never broken one.”

“There’s something else.”

Kevin raised his eyebrows worried. “How much sleep did you get?”

“I slept all week. Though it feels like I’ve been sleeping for months... . Words left hanging there; still it was painful to admit it out loud. – Anyway, Nick wanted to make a difference too. He was always saying that, when we would finally have a break from the group, he would have loved to create a charity too. He knew he was luck and blessed, no matter what. And he knew that there were so many people less lucky than him in the world, people who would never have a second family that would always been there for them. So he wanted to create this sort of charity, a group that could offer help and support for whoever needed it.”

“Let me guess. You want to do it using his name?”

“Yes. Though I was thinking that it could be something that we can do as a group. Actually, I wanted to ask if you are willing to take it up. I know you’ve already done for all those charity Nick was part of. Even if he remembered half of them.”

“Yep, his memory wasn’t the best. But he had and wanted to give back much so I didn’t mind. And I don’t even now, Brian. It’s an honor for me.”

From the chair next to him, Brian took and handled to Kevin other pages. “These are the last music Nick was working on. There are only ten songs already finished; others just need or the melody or the lyrics.”

“You want to make an album?”

“The fans deserve a goodbye. And what a best way to say goodbye using Nick’s voice?”

“Do you feel up to?”

“Not really but it will a sort of goodbye for me too. I prefer letting the world know how much talent Nick had inside him than never have the courage to hear his voice again because it hurts too much.”

“Okay. Well... we can use the money of the album for the charity.”

“That is what I was thinking too.”

“Let me call Aj and Howie…”

“No. – Brian objected. – I want to call them if you don’t mind. I’ve been too locked up in those months.”
For the first time Kevin wasn’t worried about Brian’s future. The change within him wasn’t only for the excitement and the thrill for that new adventure but, finally, it seemed like there was a fire burning again inside Brian’s eyes. Seeing that blue finally shining, and not only being victim and prisoner of the darkness that Nick’s death brought along, was already the biggest relief of that week.

There wasn’t any doubt that Brian was going to make it. Whatever had happened the day before seemed like the last bouquet of flowers laid upon the grave of that life Brian had lived while Nick was still alive.
Yes, Brian was going to make it. And he was going to do it for Nick.


*******


The ocean breeze started to welcome him back as soon as Brian put a foot on the golden sand. It had been Nick’s plan at first but there wasn’t a doubt that now he was totally in love with that place and how it took only a few minutes to feel like he was back home.
The phone was waiting to be used in his hands. He had waited that moment for making the call and, yet, there was a pang of guilty that still surprised him every time he didn’t call. He was ready to start this new life, with that mist of enthusiasm and fear that always walked along important decision like the one he made; at the same time, he didn’t want to end so abruptly that last tie with Nick. Now it was different, now he didn’t call him because he was afraid to forget him or because he didn’t want to let Nick think that he had changed page so quick and easy. Now calling him was like calling an old friend and telling him what was happening in his life. Nick was still his best friend, no matter what; Nick was the person that listened all his thoughts and never missed anything, sometimes just because he loved just to hear his voice.
And a lot of thing had happened during that week that Brian didn’t want not to tell him about.

“So much has happened Nick. And I know that you’re proud of me, wherever you are.
Maybe this time is the good one. Finally I’m realizing that there won’t be a happy ending but neither one of those ending that leave the viewer bitter and the desire to have his money back. There will be an ending, the most normal ever, but maybe this is what I ever needed.
There is so much that still needs to be done. I want to finish the house but without that void that I’ve always thought in case you were about to come back. It’s not our home, it was only one of those plans we made and now it’s mine. And this means that I have to do something all over again but... you know? It doesn’t matter. There’s no rush and I’m so sure that Mrs Hudson will be thrilled to let me sleep and live in her house for a couple of weeks. Then I’m going back to my parent, I haven’t seen them since Christmas and I know that they’re still worried about me. I’ll work again for my charity, I’ve already contacted some people and I’m waiting to be called back with some interesting plans.
And then there is your charity. I know how much it meant to you and everyone is so helpful and willing. Still, it’ll be a way to keep your memory alive: what you have been through, all your problem, had shaped you in that amazing person you were and that is how I want the world to remember you. And you already know how some people are gonna end if they make me angry because there is one thing able to transform me in a Hulk and that’s if they only touch my family.
But I think that the most important news is that... you’re actually talking with a future college student. Oh God, what I was thinking? But I thought about all our conversations, I thought about the boy I was before meeting you and what was supposed be my future: music has always been there, it would had been there even if I hadn’t meet you. And... who knows how many children and boys are in need of someone who just believe in them and let them understand that music isn’t only notes and words. Music is something more, it’s a way for letting out everything that you are bottling inside.
You already understand this, no?
I’ve always wanted to be a teacher, I’ve always loved to be in a group of children and see and make them smile. And being in college, I’m going to be a normal guy like everyone else. Okay, maybe a little bit older but there isn’t going to be an arrow upon my head saying that I’m the poor singer who lost his lover so tragically.
I will never forget you Nick, if it’s this what you are afraid of. I will never forget you and our love. But I can’t live in the past. It’s not fair. And you were right. Or, your hallucination was right: I need to be happy. Even if it’s without you.”



Chapter End Notes:
Yep. I'm back!
I apologize for the time I made you all wait but things got a little busy here and I'm still not feeling good. But, good news, only a few chapters left!
Thanks for everyone who is reading this! =)