Message #11
His fingers were shaking as he dialed the number. His resolution had lasted barely a day, well, a day and a half. And yet there he was, trying to reach someone who wasn’t there anymore and just talking about what was ranging inside him.
But that was all that he had left with. And he couldn’t even justify himself saying that he didn’t want to forget Nick’s voice. Nick was so forgetful that he hadn’t changed the standard voicemail so a metallic voice met him every time he reached that number.
“You should change it, you know? It’s terrible. It’s annoying dialing your number and be welcomed by someone who doesn’t even exist. And its voice is boring. Here I am still talking to you like you are still here, just maybe too busy somewhere to pick up your phone. Some habits are hard to die and you know it pretty well. Like your habit to chew a gum even during the interviews. Kevin always scolded you but you would just fake to listen to him and then you would chew another one when he wasn’t looking at you anymore. You know, I bet that even he would gladly scold you again for such a silly thing because it would mean that you’re still here. Everyone would do just anything to have you back, not only me.”
Resting his forehead against the window, Brian didn’t even acknowledge that it was cold. Lately, he didn’t feel anything, nor warm nor cold. Just an emptiness that was slowly conquering every inch of him and his soul.
“I know I should stop this madness. Calling the phone of someone dead and talk to him like he was away on holiday. You know what is strange? The only moments when I’m talking to someone are those. Those conversations are the only words I barely speak anymore. Kevin, Aj, Howie... they all want me to talk. They ask me if I’m okay and keep saying that soon things will get better. They keep saying that one day I will wake up and feel normal again. Be normal again. How can they say that? How can they know? It won’t ever be normal again because my normality was you. If you’re not here, how can my life be normal again?
I’m still locked up inside Kevin’s house, like a modern Rapunzel! It doesn’t matter, it’s not like I want to go out or go somewhere. I stay here and hope that I will dream of you when I fall asleep. This is what I do every day. This is all I that can do. I’m tired. I’m tired of crying, I don’t have any energy left to shed more tears.
Even music doesn’t offer comfort anymore. Because music means your voice, means hearing you singing in the shower or while you were trying to clean the house.
Music means standing in a corner and watching you strumming the chords of your guitar while writing lines and notes closed in your head.
Nothing make sense anymore.
I don’t make sense anymore.
So I just sleep. Sleep and hope to meet you somewhere in my dreams. Sleep is where I can be in a word where pain can’t reach me. And you know why it can’t? Because that is the world where me and you can be together once again. Though I’m not that lucky. It only last a few moments and then I’m thrown back into reality, a reality made of broken brakes and flames.
I always wake up screaming. Screaming and crying, turning around to reach for you but... I’m all alone. No one is there to reassure him, no one can tell me that it’s only a dream.
Well, I’m not alone. There is someone beside me but... it’s not you. It isn’t your voice whispering, it isn’t your hand holding mine.
There’s no escape from this hell, you know?
No, of course you don’t know. How can you possible know this? How can you know how much it hurts to just open my eyes and made myself remember that I’m all alone? How can you possible know how much it hurts to know that all that is left are images of what we were and would never be?
I’ve... I’ve always thought that I would spend my whole life with you.
Guess I was wrong.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for everyone who reads this!
