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Message #12



There was no light in the room. Darkness swallowed every single piece of furniture, drank the colors and ate whatever little hint of life that still had lingered bravely. Once there had been no curtains in that room: big and wide windows had always let the rays of the sun inside, let them mirrored themselves upon the white tilted floor; now those thick barriers had been drawn closed, shutting out the bright and warm sun.
There seemed to be no one inside that bedroom. Empty, that was the first thought coming up to every one’s mind as they first step inside it. And they would just closed the door and went to look in another room, sure that the one they were looking for wasn’t there.
They would had been wrong.
They had only to look a little bit closer, inspected a little deeper, and they would noticed a small lump on the bed, hidden under the fabric of blankets and duvet. And if they listened carefully, they would caught glimpses of soft murmuring and whispering coming from that hiding place.

But they didn’t and so Brian could go on with his conversation, keeping the phone closed to his ear as little drops of tear were falling down his eyes, collecting themselves in a small invisible lake on the mattress.

“All of them are worried about me. They don’t express their concern and, even if they do, I guess I don’t listen to them. But I can see it in their eyes, in the way they look at me like I’m a fragile vase ready to shatter if only they raise a little bit their voice or if they tried to force me to do things I don’t want to do. Like eat. Or go out. Or breathe. But they keep coming, stranger faces mixed with the ones I know so well. “How are you”, they keep asking me. Really? Can’t they come up with an original question? It’s funny. It should be funny but it isn’t. Because they pretend to know how I’m feeling, they pretend to know that it is easy to just get up on my feet and start again walking my path.

I don’t. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I don’t know if I still know what is the road we were walking. Together. And now I’m supposed to do it all alone?
I guess... I guess they just expect me to wake up one day and be all smiles once again. Or wake up and suddenly be hit by the realization of what I’m supposed to do when the most important person in your life just vanish in the air.
You were my life, Nick.

Remember? Do you remember what you used to say? You said that you loved sunflowers because you were like them, turning in circle around me, your sun. It... it wasn’t the truth. Truth is that you were the sun and I was just a little flower running around you, making sure that you would always shine. On you depended my life. If you were sad, I was too and I would had done everything just to see you smile. And when you were happy, I was the happiest person alive. I was worried for small things, I had always made sure that you were taking of so that clouds couldn’t be near you.

Now?

Now, what I’m supposed to do? Would it be strange if I would ask you for a sign? Yeah, maybe it would be.”


A shadow of a laughter filled the silence. Still curled up under the blanket, Brian reached over on his side with his hand, fingers that were trying to find someone. Something. But they only met the sheets.

“Last night I dreamed about you. Or it was the other night. I don’t remember. Time seems to be a blurred vision, I don’t even know which day is today. I’m scared and afraid to know how much time had passed since your last day alive.
I dreamed about you. About us, together. As always, as it has always been.
We were out, I don’t know where we were going. Sometimes, we did. We would just take the car and go around to find new places, new sights to see or just a new town to adventure. We always took your car, that car that you loved so much. You know what’s funny? You had never let me drive it. Now... I’ll never have the chance.
You were driving and singing. I don’t remember which song, maybe a Journey’s song since you loved them. I was silent, content to just watch you. Your eyes were bright, shining with that light that always made the blue seem like it was taken directly from the sea. Watching you was one of my favorite thing, you know? Because I realized how such a lucky I was.
My best friend and my partner.
My true love.
Anyway, back to my dream. It was night and it was raining hard. I wanted to warn you, to be prudent and to drive carefully and to not let music distract you. But I couldn’t find the voice. I couldn’t say nothing, just stare at you as a lighting bolted in the distance. And when we were back in the darkness, I wasn’t with you anymore. I wasn’t in the car but outside, in the pouring rain as I watched the other car came crashing into yours.
You... you have to believe me, Nick! You just have to! I’ve tried, I’ve tried to save you but I was paralyzed. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do nothing more than just watch as flames surrounded your car and took you away from me.
I could just pray. Pray that it was just a nightmare, a bad dream. Pray that someone would let me help you. Or let me die with you.
No one listened me. No one woke me up. I was trapped, forced to listen to your screams full of pain until silence reigned. You know that I still can hear them? Even when I’m awake. It’s a never ending nightmare.
Nick... can you forgive me?”