Daddies’ Girls

By Rachel

Copyright 2012

Chapter 25

Aspen

Once everyone leaves, AJ and I just sit in the silence. I’m not sure what to say, yet there’s so much I need to say. We never have a problem talking until recently. My fear is that if we don’t have this conversation things are going to get worse. I do not want that to happen.

“AJ did you mean it when you said I’m everything to you and that your life isn’t anything without me?” I question quietly. For the first time I’m afraid to hear his answer.

“I never say anything I don’t mean.” He says gruffly.

“So all those times you called me a heartless bitch and frigid, you meant it.” I try remaining calm, but it’s not working.

“Stop it Aspen. This isn’t getting us anywhere.” AJ is irritated with me already. Nothing I say it right.

“It hurts when you say those things to me.” I stare at our wedding picture hanging on the wall.

“You know I don’t mean them.” AJ slides over next to me. “I get frustrated and say things I don’t mean. Maybe I shouldn’t do it, but in the heat of the moment I can’t stop myself.”

“Well it makes me feel pretty lousy when you say things about me that aren’t true.” I snap at him. AJ needs to know that my feelings are hurt.

“I’ll try not to do it again. I wish you would talk to me Aspen. You always brush me off. I know you internalize everything, but lately I can’t even talk to you about the weather.”

I look at AJ. He has the same sadness in his eyes that I do. Will we overcome this? Looking back on this past year, all we do is fight. The worse is that our fights have been about nothing. What is wrong with us? We can’t continue to go on like this. It’s going to start affecting the kids. Reese is already aware of it and that kills me. The worst part is she thinks she is the cause.

“Are we just going to sit here all night? We need to get things out in the open.”  He gets up and starts pacing.

“AJ, please sit down. I was just trying to compose my thoughts. This isn’t easy for me. You know I’m not into touchy feely.” I watch as he follows my directions. Once he settles himself on the coffee table in front of me, I begin to speak. “When was the last time we did anything together?”

I give him time to think. I’m curious to hear his answer.

“We went bowling with the kids about a month ago.”  AJ answers.

“No that’s not what I meant!” I raise my voice. “You don’t get it. We haven’t done anything alone in forever.”

“There’s no need to yell.” He remarks rudely. I want to shake him.

“You are so clueless. We never spend time together alone. We are always with the kids or our friends and family. The only time we are alone with each other is in bed asleep.”

“You can’t blame that all on me.” AJ gets defensive.

“I wasn’t blaming you.” I say quietly. I don’t understand why he gets mad at everything I say. I’m being honest and he is pissed about it. I feel like I can’t win with him. “It was just an observation.”

“We’ve been without the kids since the start of summer and things haven’t gotten any better. Are you sure that is the problem?”

“That’s because you are never around. You spend all your time with Nick and Howie writing songs. When they leave, you lock the door.” He looks at me with shock. “Yes, I know you lock it. I tried to come down and talk to you one night, but apparently you don’t want me near you.”

“It’s not that. I’m just tired of arguing whenever we are around each other. I don’t know how much more I can take.”  He sniffles, and I realize he’s crying.

I take his hands into mine. I hate seeing him this upset, but it seems like he’s starting to actually care about our marriage. Maybe we aren’t too far gone in our relationship.

“AJ I don’t want to fight with you. I want to fix things and move on.”

He looks me in the eye. “We have so much to work on. Plus there’s the baby.”

“I know you aren’t thrilled with the pregnancy. Let’s figure things out before we talk about the baby.”  It kills me to knowing AJ doesn’t want our child. Getting pregnant was not something I had planned, but I love my child regardless.

“So, you think this all has to do with us not spending time together.”

“Yes, AJ I do. I love our kids dearly, but it’s become all about them. There is no us. We are so focused on them.” I feel relieved getting things out in the open. “Plus what do I have to offer to you?”

AJ looks at me with confusion. “What do you mean? I’m not following you.”

“You….you… have this exciting life. You travel the world and do cool things. I love being a mom and taking care of the house, but it’s not exciting.” My voice starts to waver. “Everyone is more exciting than me. Jade writes and does tours for her novels. The highlight of my day is doing laundry and cleaning toilets.”

Tears start splattering down my face. I know I’m stupid telling AJ how I feel. He’s going to think I’m crazy. He pulls me onto his lap and holds me until I stop crying.

“Aspen, I’m sorry you feel that way. You are a wonderful mother and wife. Without you, none of us would get out of the house on time. We wouldn’t survive without you.” He places a kiss on my forehead. I don’t feel any better.

“You make me sound like a maid. AJ, I’m in a personal rut. I can’t stand myself. I feel like the house is caving in on me. Then I get irritated and take it out on you.”

Realization hits me. All of this is my fault. I’m causing all the problems in our marriage. None of this has anything to do with AJ. I’m lashing out at him when he has done nothing wrong. I feel terrible.

AJ rubs my backing, attempting to comfort me. It makes me start to cry even more. I am filled with guilt. I should be thankful for my family. I love them, I do but I don’t think I love myself at the moment.

“Baby, I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t think we realize how much you do for us. You make our lives so much easier.” AJ removes his arms from my body. Then he takes my chin and lifts it up so I’m looking at him.  “I’m sorry that we’ve been taking advantage of you. I love you so much Aspen my heart aches to see you hurting.”

Our mouths crash into each other. The kiss is nothing I expect. Our mouths are on fire as I feel AJ’s lips like it’s the first time all over again. He places his tongue in my mouth as I straddle his legs. Desire courses through my body. Something I have not wanted in a long time….sex. My goal is to devour my husband, but I stop knowing we need to finish talking.

“AJ, I want you so much.” I am breathing hard. “But we need to finish talking.”

“I agree. Why didn’t you tell me how you were feeling? If I had known, things would be different.” He nuzzles my neck.

“Honestly, I didn’t realize it until after all the kids were gone. I didn’t know what to do with myself with all this free time. I just sat on the couch frozen. Then I would get angry.” I lay my head on his shoulder. “I feel worthless, like I have nothing to offer. All I’m good for is cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the house. I want more.”

“Aspen, it’s not your job to be the maid anymore. The kids are older. It’s time they start doing more around the house. Start doing things you want to do. Get a job. Find a hobby.”

We sit in silence for a while. I try to take it all in. I am tired and it’s not from the pregnancy. I am tired of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. They are everything to me. It’s just I’ve lost myself over the years. I don’t have an identity. I’m jealous of everyone who does have a life, which is almost everyone I know. I want to be wild and free. I want to be more like Jade and Lilly. They both have exciting lives.

“AJ with the baby coming; I can’t do those things. No one will hire me, plus I don’t have the skills to get a job. I’m at a loss with life.”

“Baby, you can do anything. You are so talented. What is your heart telling you?” AJ asks quietly. I appreciate that he is being so helpful.

“I don’t know. That is part of the problem. I want to do something but I’m clueless as to what I should do.”

“Well you have the rest of the summer to explore your options. Go back to school. Take some art classes. Volunteer at the library. Just get out there.”

I lift my head and smile at my husband. He is right. I can do anything I want. There’s nothing to stop me, well the children, but I know what AJ’s getting at. I’m starting to feel better. I’m glad that I can talk honestly, instead of holding it in. My problem was starting to eat at me.

“What about us?” I stare at him. It’s still a concern for me.

“We are going to spend more time alone, away from the kids. I’m going to start by taking you on a date. We are going to act like a horny, young couple. You know making out at the movies and drinking a milkshake with two straws.” AJ gives me a huge smile and kisses my nose. His touch makes me shiver.

“What is it the fifties? I’ve never shared a milkshake with two straws.” I giggle.

“Well that’s what we are going to do.” AJ slowly places his mouth on mine. It’s a slow, sensual kiss. He takes his time sucking on my bottom lip. I wrap my hands around his neck, pulling him closer to me.

He slowly pushes his tongue into my mouth. His tongue teases mine and I’m going to explode. I start grinding against him. AJ’s hands move to my breasts. He caresses and fondles them. I am enjoying this moment with my husband. I pull back. I want to go farther, but emotionally I’m not ready to make love.

“Damn, AJ. You got me so riled up. I want to make love to you, but I’m not ready.” He blinks, but doesn’t say anything. “We will get back to that point, but I need some time. I love you with all my heart. Nothing is going to change that.”

“I know, and I love you, too. It’s okay. When you’re ready, you let me know. Why don’t we spend the night cuddling on the couch?” AJ rubs my cheek. It’s a small touch, but it tells me everything is going to be okay.

“Sounds like a great idea.”