Part 5

~Howie~

All I wanted was a drink alone at a bar.  I wanted time to myself.  Awa y from my life. 

Instead I got myself arrested and the night turned into one big mess that I wanted to forget.

I didn’t even get a drink.

I barely stepped foot in the bar.

The cops were already at the bar breaking up a fight.  I probably should have left, but since the fight didn’t involve me, I stayed.  That was the first mistake.

Someone in the bar recognized me and yelled out my name.  I groaned inwardly while I smiled towards whoever had called my name.  I should have left after I was recognized.  Things would have been much easier.  That was my second mistake.

Then one of the cops turned towards me and obviously recognized me as well.  “You’re one of those Backstreet Boys that my wife is always talking about.”

“I’m a Backstreet Boy,” I confirmed as I tried to walk by him and the guy he had handcuffed.  He blocked my way.

“You think you’re hot stuff don’t you?”

“Not really,”  I shook my head, “Just a guy wanting a drink.”

“You’re not much of a guy,”

That I could ignore.  It’s what he said next that made me angry.

“What does your wife think about being with a guy so small?”  He sneered at me.  “She probably spends your money and then spreads her legs for any guy when you’re not around.”

My fist made contact with his face before I had time to think.  I was winding up for another punch when one of the other cops stopped me and arrested me.

I glared at the cop who I had hit the whole time as the handcuffs were being put on me.  I wanted to resist, but the faces of Leigh and James flashed through my mind and I knew I was already in enough trouble.

At the station I was so embarrassed when they booked me – taking my fingerprints and mug shot.  I knew my mug shot would be all over the place by morning.  I could only imagine what the headlines might be.  “Grieving Backstreet Boy Loses It” or “Sweet D Not so Sweet” or something else stupid.

I had one phone call.  They wouldn’t let me have my cell phone, but it didn’t matter.  I knew who I was going to call.  I should have called my manager, or one of the guys, or even Jon.  But I called that architect who’d I seen a few places around town.  After our talk at her office, I’d memorized her number, thankful that I had someone to talk to if I needed to.  I had almost dialed her a few times before, but didn’t go through with it.  This time I did.  I knew she knew how to contact Jon and I knew she would understand once I told her what the cop said about Leigh.  She’d been there too.  Not the being arrested part…at least I hoped not, but she’d understand.

And she did.  As soon as she showed up at the station with her friend in tow, I knew she understood.  She didn’t even try to talk about it, she just asked me what I needed.  What I needed emotionally and what I needed realistically were two different things.  I needed a lawyer, but before I could her that she said Jon had taken care of it.  Then, I just needed to get out the station and see James.

I was supposed to be back before he woke up in the morning.  I had put him to bed at Kevin’s house before I went and I had promised I would be there in the morning.  It was now 2:00 in the morning.  He normally woke up at 3:00 to make sure I was there and went back to sleep.  I needed to get to him before he woke up.  He’d been through so much already, I didn’t want him to worry about where Dada was.

Her friend was quiet in the car, but Macy took charge, driving exactly where I needed to go.  As we pulled up to Kevin’s I was dreading seeing him.  I’d never actually been on the receiving end of one of his lectures, but I was pretty sure I was going to be tonight.  The news had to have hit the internet or television by now.  I hadn’t checked my phone once I got it back.  I did so now.  Every single one of the guys had called and texted me.  So had my sisters.  I had it on silent so I didn’t know that they had contacted me, but it didn’t really surprise me.

“Do you moral support?”  Macy turned around to face me in the car. 

“If I said yes, would you come?”  I asked.

“Of course.  I know all about stupid choices.  Your friend will probably be concerned, but he won’t understand.”

“I probably shouldn’t subject you to him right now.  I don’t know if he’s going to be concerned, angry, or both.”

“Come on,” she said, getting out of the car.  “Let’s go.  You obviously are avoiding this, but you need to go in to get James.  I can run interference while you get him and I’ll take you to your home.”

She didn’t take no for an answer.  She opened my door up and waited for me to get out.  “Are you always this bossy?”  I asked.

“She is,” her friend said.  That was probably the first words the friend had said.

She followed me as I walked to the front door.  I didn’t bother knocking, I knew Kevin was probably sitting near the front door waiting for me.  He was too much like our father sometimes.

When I opened the door, it wasn’t just Kevin I saw, but all the guys. 

“Howie, thank god you’re okay,”  Nick said.

“Why didn’t you call us?”  Brian asked.  I ignored his question, not wanting to think about why I didn’t call them.

“We’re here to talk if you want,”  A.J. said.

I shook my head.  “Not ready to talk.  I hit the cop.  I don’t know what they’re reporting, but I hit him.”

Kevin, who’d been quiet said, “You were at a bar.  Were you…”

“He’s not drunk,” Macy said.  “He’s just here to get James.”  I looked at her and she nodded at me.  I went upstairs to get James.  I heard the guys asking her questions downstairs.  Nick recognized her, but none of the others knew who she was.  She just told them she was working on a project with Jon and I.  She didn’t tell them what had happened, but she did say that Jon was taking care of everything and I would talk to them when I was ready. 

James was still asleep when I got to Mason’s room.  He was cuddled up on the floor next to Mason.  Both of them were in sleeping bags.  James in a Cars one and Mason in a Transformers one.  I picked him up, gave him a kiss on his forehead and held him close to me as I made my way downstairs with him.

Kevin wasn’t in the room when I got downstairs. 

“Howie, if you need anything at all, please let us know,” Brian said.

I nodded my head.  I knew they would be there for me.  They already had the past few months, but right now I just wanted to be alone with my son.

“Kevin’s putting your extra car seat in my car for James,”  Macy said.

“Okay,” I said and started to walk outside.  I felt the guys watching me, wanting to know what else they could do or even what happened.  I couldn’t talk to them right now.  I just couldn’t.  That probably hurt me just as much as it hurt them.  They followed me out to Macy’s car.

Outside, Kevin had put the car seat in the car already.  I settled James into the seat.  He woke up momentarily so I snuggled him, told him I loved him, and buckled him in.  He went back to sleep like he did every night.

“Howie…”  Kevin started.

“Kev, I’ll talk when I’m ready.  I just…tonight I lost my temper.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I’ve lost my wife.  My kid doesn’t speak anymore.  He’s not potty trained anymore.  I’m hitting random cops who call my dead wife a slut.  I’m calling random work acquaintances to pick me up from jail instead of you guys. I don’t know if I’m going to be okay.  I don’t know if I’m ever going to be okay!”  I screamed. 

And then I started to cry. 

Kevin wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.  The rest of the guys also wrapped their arms around me.   All of them cried with me.

“If that cop come near me, I’ll hit him too.”  AJ said.  “You’re going to be okay, D.”

I laughed and cried.  Maybe I was.