Nick
AJ showed up promptly at six with Rochelle by his side, Ava on his hip. Rochelle held up a bag. "I come bearing gifts," she said, grinning. There were hugs all around and Ava hid behind AJ's leg once he'd let her down, peeking around his knee at Ashley and I, clutching a stuffed pig.
"Stop being so shy kid," AJ said, nudging her out from behind himself. She stumbled and stared up at Ashley and I with wide eyes, then ducked quickly behind Rochelle. "She's really shy," AJ said with a shrug, "God only knows where she got that from 'cos Ro and I certainly ain't shy," he laughed.
Rochelle patted Ava's head. "Where's Zoey?" she asked.
Ashley grinned, "Let me go get her!" she hurried off to the nursery, where Zoey had been napping for about an hour by then.
I bent down and looked at Ava peeking from behind Rochelle, "Hey Miss. Ava," I said, "You remember me, right? Your uncle Nick?" Ava nodded, then pressed her face into Rochelle's dress hem. "I like your pig, what's his name?"
"Wiggles," AJ said.
I looked up at AJ.
"I have no fuckin' clue why."
I laughed and stood up as Ashley came back in the room, Zoey tucked gently into her arms. Zoey's face was crumpled with disapproval from being woken up from her nap, but she wasn't crying. She waved her chubby fingers around, trying to grab onto something. AJ quickly leaped forward and scooped her out of Ashley's arms, "Holy bejebus," he said, eyes wide, "Holy bejebus, look at this kid."
Rochelle's eyes were all gooey. "She's beautifulllllll," she wailed.
Ava stretched her head, trying to see. "You wanna see?" I asked her and she nodded. "C'mere." Ava reluctantly weighed her options and decided seeing the baby was worth being brave, so she trotted over and I lifted her up to see Zoey.
"Baby," Ava said, pointing.
Rochelle nodded, "Isn't she pretty, Ava?"
"Pretty."
Ashley was beaming with pride. "You're a sexy one," AJ was cooing down at Zoey, "Yeah you are." He looked up at me and Ashley, "This one's gonna be a heart breaker, I can tell."
I laughed.
AJ and Rochelle took turns passing Zoey back and forth for the next few hours, while we all say in the living room. Rochelle's gifts turned out to be a bunch of baby clothes that Ava had grown out of before using, including several itty bitty pairs of designer shoes. Ava and I sat on the floor and stacked blocks and she laughed when I fake-sneezed and knocked our tower down over and over again.
Around eight, Ashley had to feed Zoey and Rochelle went to the nursery with her to see the room, and AJ and I stayed in the living room with Ava. AJ watched as Ava stacked the blocks, staring warily at me, waiting for my colossal achoooo that would knock the tower down. AJ laughed, watching me. "You ever fuckin' think we'd be sittin here, you and me?" he asked.
"Sitting here, yes," I answered, "Both of us parents playing with each other's kids while we sat here, no."
AJ shook his head, "Damn how shit changes, huh?"
"It's crazy," I replied.
"You hire anyone yet to deliver those annullment papers, so you can get hitched already?" he asked.
I shook my head, "Nawh. Brian's gonna do it."
AJ choked on the sip of Pepsi he'd been taking as he asked. He coughed. Ava looked over with concern. "Brian is gonna do it?" AJ asked.
"Yeah. He's coming by in the morning and we're gonna go serve them up."
"You're going with Brian to the prison to serve Chris annullment papers," AJ said.
I nodded.
"Well.. I'm glad you found someone to go with you to do it," AJ said. I could see on his face he was still wary about whether it was a good idea or not, though.
"I'll be glad when it's over," I said.
"Have you uh you know, proposed yet?" AJ asked. He glanced at the hallway, leaned forward and raised his eyebrows. "You know, so...when it's all said and done you two love birds can hitch it?"
"Well..." I said slowly, also glancing at the hallway, "I was kinda hoping we could talk about that."
"Tell me more."
"I wanna ask her," I said, "Soon. I gotta wait for just the right moment, I promised..."
"What?"
"Long story. But yeah I promised her and I gotta find the ring. That's where you come in. You interested in going ring hunting with me sometime?"
"Absofuckinlutely," AJ said enthusiastically.
I nodded, "Awesome."
He took a deep breath and clasped his hands together the way women do in those old western movies. "My golly," he said, "I ain't never thought I'd be seein' the day when you finally asked Ashley to marry your crazy ass." He sighed, the dorky act melting away and said seriously, "About god damn time, man."
AJ and Rochelle stayed until after 11:30, when Ava had fallen asleep across AJ's lap and Zoey was up sucking on her fingers as she stared around from Ashley's arms. We followed Ro and AJ to the door, AJ carrying Ava, and said good night. Ashley thanked them for the baby hand-me-downs and I told AJ I'd call him to make plans and he gave me the thumbs up, grinning. I knew the moment they were in the car he'd tell Rochelle about the ring shopping.
When they'd backed down the driveway, Ashley and I brought Zoey inside and put her down in her crib before heading to the bedroom. I took off my watch and Ashley crawled into bed. She watched me as I put my watch on the dresser and peeled my shirt off.
"Nick," she said.
I turned around. "Yep?"
"Rochelle offered to baby sit Zoey Friday night," she said.
I tossed my shirt at the laundry hamper, missed, and left it laying on the floor. "Oh?"
Ashley nodded, "Mmhm."
I climbed into bed and settled myself, smooshing my ass around trying to get just the right worn in feeling in the mattress.
"I was thinking we should let them baby sit Zozo... so we can have a date night..." she said slowly.
"A date night? Yeah? What'd you have in mind?"
Ashley leaned over, stopping me from my ass-smooshing and caught my face in her hands. "I was thinking Chinese food," she whispered, "You and me down on the beach in the sand...the water licking our toes..." She stared into my eyes, "And afterwards..." she looked at me suggestively.
It occurred to me suddenly that Friday would be five weeks.
"You're sure? You're ready?" I asked.
Ashley nodded. "I want you, Nick."
I licked my lips, "And why are we waiting for Friday again?" I whispered.
As though on cue, Zoey started crying from the other room.
Ashley laughed, "Because there'll be no interruptions," she replied.
Ashley
It was during the night, way after Nick had fallen fast asleep, that I woke up from a dead sleep, creeped out from a nightmare. It caused a deep, sick feeling in my stomach and I knew I wouldn't sleep until I'd checked on Zoey to make sure she was okay. So, glancing at Nick through the dark, I carefully got up and quietly tiptoed across the hallway to Zoey's room. I peered over the side of the crib. She was fast asleep, her chest rising and falling gently. I dropped into the chair and closed my eyes for a long moment, letting my heart rate catch up to me.
I'd dreamed Chris had been in the nursery, that he'd been looking down at her, apologizing to her for what he had to do to her... and as he'd reached for her, I'd woken up and now here I was. I took deep breaths, trying to settle down. It was just a dream, I told myself, Just a dream.
As I sat there, I looked around the room and my eyes landed on the dresser, on the jewelry box that I'd left on top of it from when this room was my room, Nick's spare bedroom. I took a deep breath and I got up and, with shaking hands, I opened the jewelry box and inside, on top of everything else I'd left in there, was the letter from my father.
Seeing Christopher in my dream had made me think of my father. And I stared down at the envelope, wondering if my mother had stood over my crib the way I stood over Zoey's. I wondered if she'd still be alive had there been someone like Nick in her life to protect us.
I swallowed and picked up the pale envelope, carrying it with me to the chair. I sank back into the cushions and stared at the letters. I wondered if i meant anything that he'd curved the top bracket of my A, what a handwriting analyst would have to say about the jaggedness to the tail of the Y.
I slid my nail behind the envelope flap, closed my eyes, flipped it over, and took a deep breath.
Dear Ashley,
By the time you get this, I will be long dead. And about time, too, if you want to know. I never deserved to see you when you came to see me. I never deserved to know how much like her you turned out, or to learn you were happy, or to believe for even the briefest of moments that saying I'm sorry to you could change the past... It cannot change any of the wrong I've done. Most especially to your mother. Most especially to you.
I robbed you of a father. But not as you may expect.
Your mother and I had a turbulent relationship. We always fought, always broke up, and always made up the next day. It was just a cycle. Your mother had a volatile personality, always on the verge of passionate love or passionate hatred, depending upon my own mood and the way she perceived the words I spoke to her. She was a wild horse, and I was a man who believed I could tame her. I was a foolish man, but I wanted her so badly that I refused to let her go, even after she reared and bucked and I knew I would never tame her.
So instead, I tried to break her spirit.
When I beat her the first time, she ran. I didn't hear from her for three months. She ran and when I found her, she was living in Boston with a man she'd dated in high school, Patrick. I found her and begged her to come back to me, making promises that I knew in my heart I'd never keep. Promises like I'll never hurt you again, and I've changed, I swear. Your mother left a note for her boyfriend, and she came home with me that night, and decided to give us another try.
Your mother became pregnant that night. With you. You, our precious one, the one thing that I believed would keep her with me, unwaveringly.
But I could tell she never stopped loving Patrick. He would try to call our home and I would answer and tell him she didn't want to talk to him anymore and he'd argue that he wanted to know that she was alive and to put her on because he didn't trust me, and I'd refuse and threaten to report him if he called our home again. Monica never knew that Patrick was calling, and I never told her.
Patrick arrived on our door step when you were just a month old. He wanted your mother to chose him over me, wanted her to run away with him, to escape me. Monica said no, because of you, and he said that he would do anything - he would adopt you as his own, if she wanted - but your mother said no.
I found out about the moment later that night, when your mother and I were fighting. She'd screamed that she should've gone with him, that she should've chosen Patrick. And she went to get you and her things because he hadn't yet left town, because he had told her where to meet him if she changed her mind. And an uncontrollable rage took over me. I couldn't lose you, I couldn't lose her. The two of you - you were everything that I had in the world, everything I'd ever wanted, you were my hearts, my loves - and I refused to lose either of you to him.
So I got my gun. My intention, when I got the weapon, was to go and to kill Patrick, to get him out of our lives so that she would not have a second choice, so that it would be just me and Monica and you and we would live happily together without interruption. But your mother saw the gun and she became terrified and we fought and she grabbed hold of the barrel of the gun, trying to take it away from me, and my finger slipped and the trigger pulled and the bullet killed her instantly.
I was a wretched man, but I felt the pain of loss and anguish of guilt. I laid on the living room floor with your mother, crying and holding her hands as the blood burst from her chest like roses through asphalt. I cried until the police arrived, too late to stop the crime, and the EMTs at their heels, too late to save the life.
I did not fight the cuffs the police strapped to my wrists because even moments after I'd done it, I knew that I deserved far worse.
Patrick came to the prison a year later to see me. He told me that he tried to adopt you but that the court system had denied his requests. He came again once every year on the day that your mother died. He was the only person who visited me the entire time I was in jail, until you came. Patrick asked about you every year.
Enclosed is a letter that I wrote, that I intended to send to him after you'd visited. If I was a less selfish man, it would have made it to the post. Instead, I couldn't bear to give away what little bit I had of you and I shoved this under my mattress. But I hope that you will send it, and that maybe I'll have finally done right and given you a father.
Words cannot express how truly sorry I am for everything I did in my life, for all the ways that I hurt you. Be comforted in the knowledge that now, I cannot ever hurt you again. You've heard the last of me.
Goodbye, Ashley, and I love you dearly.
