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Before: Across the Continent


Ashley

I was woken up during the night by Nick as he climbed onto the bed and pressed his face against my stomach, crying. I don't know when he got up, but the weight of his head against my abdomen, the heat of his tears, these things woke me up. I sat up, and he moved with me, clutching his arms around my waist. I ran my hands through his hair as he laid, head in my lap, choking back a sob. "Nick," I whispered, "What is it? Did one of the guys call?" I felt a rush of fear go through my veins, ice cold.

Nick shook his head, "I just can't believe this is happening," he said thickly.

I stroked his hair, relieved that at least it wasn't the worst, as I'd thought.

"Maybe we should go back to LA," I said.

"We can't go back to LA," Nick replied.

"But you need to be there for him," I said, "If anything happened, you'd never forgive yourself. You'd never forgive me."

"Nothing's going to happen," he said.

"Nick I can't go through that again," I said.

He was quiet. "I know," he said. "Neither can I."

In 1998, when Brian had his heart surgery, Nick wasn't there for him. It was one of the many crucibles that shattered Nick, the straw that broke the camel's back. The Boys had been going through some really turbulant times, struggling with each other, struggling with management, with unbearable schedules. For almost two years if I wanted to see Nick I had to go to his shows and sit backstage while he rehearsed and got ready and everything. It was a crazy time, and during it, Brian had met Leighanne and gotten engaged, and his heart had started acting up and Nick was oblivious to it, mostly because Brian hadn't said anything, but partly because Nick was caught up with his own problems with Lou Pearlman and the tours and family and everything. But he and Brian had been fighting at the time when Brian finally broke out from the band and went to have the operation done. And none of the Boys had gone to be by his bedside.

Now I can't speak for any of the other guys, but I know Nick was sorry. I know this because it was me that he cried to on May 8th, when Kevin got the news that Brian was in the surgery, Nick called me and asked me to meet him, and we went to the old pipe we used to sit in when we were kids and he put his head in my lap, just like this, and he cried.

The weeks and months and years following were the hardest. For both of us, though for different reasons. Nick had fallen apart. He'd started using drugs - hard drugs - and he was lost. I lived at the house he owned in Tampa for a couple years starting in the Summer of 1998, but he was almost never there. It was terrifying, loving him so much and seeing him break apart like that. And I know it wasn't just Brian that had broken him, I know better than that, but the thought of him losing Brian... made me wonder if it wasn't still in him to shatter.

"I really think we should go back to Los Angeles and see him," I said.

Nick struggled to sit up. "I can't bring you and Zoey back to LA right now, not with Chris out there. No." He shook his head, "I just can't do that."

"But Nick, he's your best friend."

"But if something happened to you or Zoey, I would die," he said. He stared me right in the eyes, "I refuse to put you in danger."

"I could stay with Patrick," I said. "Me and Zoey, we could stay here. You could go back and see Brian."

Nick looked uncomfortable.

"Nick you used to travel all over the place without me," I said, "I've held my own a thousand times... I'll be okay for a couple days while you go see your friend." I took his hands, "I'm a big girl."

"I know..." he let out a low sigh, "I just... I dunno."

"Please, Nick," I said, "I just don't want you to regret this moment in the future."

He took a deep breath. And the look in his eyes... I knew he'd go.




Nick

It felt wrong.

The plane landed in Los Angeles less than twenty-four hours later, and I stepped out into the airport with Zoey and Ashley thousands of miles away. I brought only a carry-on bag because I didn't want to commit to staying away from the girls longer than what I could pack for in a duffle. I'd moved all our luggage to Patrick's apartment that afternoon. Ashley said said goodbye and to give Brian a good reprimanding for her when I saw him, and I'd kissed Zoey on the forehead and now here I was. Clear across a continent from them.

I got a taxi cab to the hospital and I found Kevin in the waiting room. He looked exhausted. "Hey," he said, standing up. He'd been expecting me, I'd texted him from the airport. He puleld me into a hug, then backed away, "He just got out of surgery."

"Is he okay?" I asked.

"As okay as can be expected," Kevin replied.

"What was the surgery for?" I asked.

"One of his ribs was broken, it punctured a lung. They did a patch yesterday but it didn't take so they had to go back in today." Kevin sighed. "He was in a lot of pain. He's on morphine." He paused. "Leighanne was here. With Baylee."

I frowned, "How'd that go?"

"The morphine kinda made it awkward," Kevin muttered.

"How's that?"

"Brian didn't exactly hold back anything," Kevin replied, shoving his hands into his pockets, "He, uh, called her a few choice words."

"About fluffin' time somebody did it," I said.

Kevin raised one of his beastly eyebrows.

"I have a kid now, we edit words like that now," I said.

Kevin laughed, but it didn't reach his eyes, where the anxiety about Brian was living. "C'mon, we can probably get back in his room by now," he said, glancing at his watch, "It's been a couple hours. Maybe he'll even be awake." He grabbed a baseball cap he'd left on his seat and a rolled up copy of National Geographic, then led the way up to Brian's room.

Brian was in the hospital bed, his chest was bandaged up, wrapped like a mummy. His chest, exposed above the bandage, was bruised dark purple and yellow, a color that was matched around his jaw line and eyes. I felt sick. Kevin walked around the side of Brian's bed. "Hey cuz," he said, "Guess who's here to see ya? It's Nick."

I heard a slight gurgle of a response and Brian's head turned ever so slowly to look at me. A muscle in his cheek twitched, I think that was as close to a smile as he could get. "'ey Frack," he barely breathed the words.

"Hey," I said, stepping up. I swallowed.

"You were right," he whispered, "More to Chris than I...gave him credit for..."

"I told you," I said thickly. "You dumbass, I told you to hire someone."

"I wanted to do it for you," Brian said.

I looked up at Kevin, "So ya'll called the cops, right? Did they arrest Chris again yet?"

Kevin took a deep breath. "Well... not...exactly."

"Chris didn't do it," croaked Brian.

Kevin thumbed at Brian. "Chris had one of his friends do it. His friend's in jail, but Chris is denying he had anything to do with it."

"That's bull shit..."

"I served him though," Brian said, his cheek twitching. "Ashley can get the ruling for the annullment. Y'all can get married."

Kevin looked at Brian's morphine drip. "How much of that stuff are you on?" he looked at me, "He isn't serious. You aren't... are you?"

"I haven't officially asked yet...but..."

Kevin smiled, and this time it did reach his eyes. "Shit, Nick, you're all growed up."

"Sorta," I answered.

"You know what I told him?" Brian asked.

I looked down. "Told who? Chris?"

"Yeah."

"What'd you tell him?"

"When I served the papers I said you been served bitch!"

"Maybe that's why he beat you up."

"Actually..." Brian's voice was thinning even more as the morphine kicked in, his eyelids getting droopy. "Actually, it was funny, they thought you were there... they saw your car..." He nodded slowly as he spoke, "They broke in...they thought they were gonna find you. I just.. got in... the..... way......" And Brian fell asleep.

I looked up at Kevin.