1. Fallen Renegade

                ‘’Because you're not done

You're far too young

And the best is yet to come’’

                November 2015

                “No! Daddy no!”

His son’s piercing scream echoed through the house and Brian woke with a start. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he sat up, trying not to disturb the still sleeping form next to him. He shivered slightly as his feet touched the cold floor under the bed. This was the fourth night in a row. Ever since his Dad had gotten home from the hospital, Baylee had woken up screaming and Brian didn’t know what to do about it anymore. Slowly, he stood up and shot a glance at the alarm clock. 4 am. Great.

“Sweetie, you stay here, I’ll go,” he heard his wife suggest suddenly. So much for sneaking out quietly. He was instantly reminded of all those countless times they’d been in a similar situation, when Baylee was younger and life wasn’t as complicated. Brian shook his head and smiled grimly.

“No offense, but I don’t think it will work if you go,” he said softly, “Now, I’m not sure what is going on between the two of you, but you’ll need to work it out, so I can sleep.”

He hated the fights his son and wife seemed to be having all week now. He hated it even more that he had no idea what it was about. Did they think he was an idiot? Did they assume he couldn’t see that they were barely talking to each other? Or the vicious looks Baylee shot his mother whenever he thought Brian wasn’t looking? It was actually pretty obvious that the two hadn’t been able to get along this week, but apparently they were too stubborn to tell the other member of their family what was going on. He hated being excluded like that. The thing that was even worse, was that of all people, Nick did seem to be informed on the matter. It made him suspect that it was about him, and that shouldn’t surprise him. All fights were about him lately.

Tiredly, he made his way across the hall into Baylee’s room. When he took a look at his son, Brian felt his heart aching for the boy. He didn’t really know what the nightmares were about, but he could take a good guess. Baylee refused to tell him about it though, and Brian felt helpless every night he walked into the room to try and console his boy.

Baylee sat upright in his bed, his eyes wild and his breathing quick and shallow. He didn’t seem aware of the fact that his father was in the room and Brian didn’t dare to move.

“Bay?” he spoke quietly, trying to come closer as gently as possible.

Baylee’s head shot up when Brian came to sit next to him on the bed, wrapping his arms around his son. Surprised, he felt Baylee trying to break free, jerking away from his father’s touch.

“Baylee … it’s alright.”

“N-n-n-no, it’s not alright! You died! You were dead, I saw you!” the child screamed hysterically, “Mom was gone and you died and I was all alone!”

A long silence followed and Baylee began to sob. Finally he let his Dad pull him in close and Brian rested his chin on top of his son’s short curls, rocking them both gently.

“I’m not dead, baby boy, I’m right here,” he assured Baylee.

“Please, please don’t go!”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise? Promise you won’t leave? Never?”

“Yeah, promise…”

March 2015

“Brian, we need to talk.”

He looked up, suspicious. The other four were suddenly standing in front of him and he wondered where they’d come from. We need to talk… Somehow, he already knew he wasn’t gonna like whatever they were about to tell him. Slowly, he put the magazine he hadn’t really been reading aside and raised his eyebrows, signalling for them to continue.

“Can you come with us, please?” Kevin urged gently. Brian frowned. Apparently they had organized it. He stared at Howie’s face, but the older man quickly looked away. Hesitantly, he got up from the chair in his dressing room and followed the others into AJ’s. Not saying a word, he studied their faces anxiously, wondering who had died for them to look so serious. AJ was hopping from one foot to the other, looking like he had to pee, but Brian knew he was just nervous. Howie was looking anywhere except Brian’s way. Kevin had a pitiful expression, but that didn’t say so much, cause Kevin had had a pitiful expression ever since Brian had exposed his illness in front of the others. The only one that he couldn’t read was Nick, and that bothered him, cause he’d always been able to read Nick before. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say Nick was looking angry more than anything and Brian wondered what he’d done this time.

“Brian, we umm,” AJ began reluctantly and Brian assumed the younger man had drawn the shortest straw and was therefore elected to speak up. “We were wondering for how much longer you were allowed to, you know, perform with us…” AJ winced, knowing he couldn’t have phrased it any worse.

Brian’s eyes widened and he felt the familiar sinking, nauseating feeling in his stomach, but this time it had nothing to do with chemotherapy. Unsure, he looked from AJ to Kevin to Nick. He avoided Howie, cause obviously, Howie was avoiding him as well.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” he said, but deep down, he knew exactly what they were talking about. He couldn’t really say that it came completely out of the blue. He’d seen them whispering before, countless times when they thought he wasn’t paying attention. Had they thought that he wasn’t able to catch the worried glances they and everyone else shot his way? Even the fans seemed suspicious by his appearance, fearful even. He had always stubbornly claimed that he was fine, even if he wasn’t, and whenever there was a meet and greet, he tried to be as inconspicuous as possible, letting the others do the talking and the goofing off. Of course, by trying to be inconspicuous, he was only becoming more suspicious, for he used to be the one that was loud and funny and by no means quiet and withdrawn.

“It’s just… you know… the thing with As Long As You Love Me the other day… remember?” AJ added uncertainly, cause you could never know for sure with Brian lately. Like he could forget. He remembered the painful moment all too well. He’d completely blanked out, slowly feeling all the eyes in the music hall turn his way. It had certainly not helped in trying to think straight. After a few seconds he’d heard AJ take over his part and Brian had known he was done for.

“Like you’ve never blanked out before!” he defended fiercely.

“Not like that Brian! Not during a concert! Not while singing a song I’ve sung for what seems like a million times! You seemed completely out of this world, dude!” AJ replied heated.

“Alright,” Brian admitted slowly, “I’m sorry, okay? I can assure you it won’t happen again.”

“No, B-Rok, you can’t,” AJ spoke softly.

“Well, what do you want me to do then?” Brian questioned. When the others stayed silent for too long, he backed away, an astonished expression on his face.

“No! You’re not kicking me out, are you?”