1.       The Final Verdict

“Why don’t you boys sit down first?” she asked, still feeling trapped while the two men were menacingly hovering above her. She couldn’t believe she was actually going to do this. Deep down, though, she’d always known she’d have to come clean one day, just, not before the Backstreet Boys. And certainly not before AJ McLean and Nick Carter…

She nervously stared out of the window that gave a wide view of the field, and to her relief, Baylee and his friends were still playing with the little dog. Had that been part of Nick’s plan as well? She took her time to look Nick and AJ in the eyes, letting them know she wouldn’t be lying this time, before she started speaking.

December 2014

He’d finally fallen asleep, or had passed out, or both. She gently moved his head from her lap to the pillows and climbed as carefully as possible out of the too large hospital bed. She didn’t expect him to wake up, but when he did, she was there by his side.

“Where you going?” he whispered, still half asleep.

“I’ll be right back, baby. Just taking care of some stuff, kay?” she assured him and smiled encouragingly, watching him smile back slightly before closing his eyes again. She planted a light kiss on her husband’s forehead, squeezed his hand and finally left the room. She couldn’t be in there any longer.

November 2015

“It was the first chemo in five months,” she said sadly, “he actually took it really well, maybe because he was still going strong at that time, maybe because he knew I couldn’t handle it if he didn’t take it well…”

“That was around the time the tumour got back, wasn’t it?” Nick questioned resignedly.

“Oh the tumour had been there all that time,” she told them, “in all those five months we thought we were cancer-free again, it had been hiding, too small to really do much damage. But I know now it was just waiting to strike back, and when it did… God, I was so scared…” she talked about the cancer as if it were a monster, cause that was how she felt about it. It was a monstrous thing, trying to destroy her family, to take away one of the people she’d loved more than anything.

“What happened?” AJ asked. She realized they really didn’t know much about the medical history of their friend. They only knew the basics, which were scary enough. She was sure, if they knew everything she knew, they’d be able to understand why she’d done what she had.

“He didn’t know about the seizure,” she said softly, knowing that they didn’t either. “He still doesn’t, cause I’ve never told him. I couldn’t, he’d only get scared. He just thinks he’d been hallucinating, but it was so much worse. And Baylee was there!” Of course the boy hadn’t really understood what was happening to his father and Leighanne had made it a priority to get their son out of the room as soon as possible, but that didn’t mean Baylee hadn’t started asking questions.

“He didn’t recognize me for three days,” Leighanne admitted and watched the two singers hang their heads. They’d never realized how bad it really was.  She remembered trying to keep him down, screaming for someone, anyone to call an ambulance. Thankfully her parents-in-law had been around to help, cause she knew she wouldn’t have been able to handle it on her own.

“Where does Larry fit in all of this?” Nick questioned impatiently.

“Hold on, Nickolas, we’ll get there, alright?” she promised him sternly.

December 2015

As soon as she had left the room, as soon as she had made sure she was out of Brian’s view, she let herself slide down against the wall of the waiting room and put her hands in front of her face. In all the two weeks since they had known Brian was sick again, she had never realized what they were in for again. Sure, she had already known the verdict ever since the seizure. It had been obvious as daylight. The doctor didn’t even have to tell them the whole story again. Yes, she had known the cancer was back, but now that Brian had to have the first round of medication again, now that the thin blond hairs, that he’d been so proud of, were already starting to fall out again, now the meaning of the situation that was reality dawned upon her, and she couldn’t take it.

It wasn’t unusual for people to cry in a waiting room and people that saw her didn’t question it, knowing everyone had their own reasons to cry in this place. The choking feeling she’d had all they was now suffocating her and she felt so powerless, fighting desperately for control she didn’t have. She didn’t want to do this. She didn’t need to go through this all over again, did she? Had everything they’d so frantically tried, for the past year and a half all been a waste of time? Was she really trapped inside this nightmare again?

It just wasn’t fair! Not to Brian, but neither to her!

She stared at her telephone for a long time, indecisive. If she were to do this, there was no way back. But she needed this, she needed to escape this horrible world of sterility, of IV bags, of sickness, and of death. She needed a better life… she needed another life. Besides, if it was just for one time, what could it hurt?

Finally making the decision, she dialled a number she’d searched up not such a long time ago, and held the phone to her ear with shaking hands. “Larry?” she sniffled when the phone was picked up, “It’s me, Leighanne.” She was sure he could hear the tears in her voice, “Remember me?”

November 2015

“I was selfish, I was weak,” she choked out, desperately searching the Backstreet Boys’ faces, searching for some kind of understanding in their features. She noticed AJ couldn’t look at her and Nick’s expression seemed to be carved out of stone. She  sighed before she continued.

“I’ve known Larry since high school. He was the type of guy that would hang around the popular girls and hope to even get a little bit of recognition from them. We used to call him and his gang, the Loser Troofers.”

Nick’s face didn’t change, but his eyes got darker, it seemed. “So let me get this straight, you ditched Brian, for a Loser Troofer?” he spoke slowly, incredulous.

“It wasn’t like that. I know I did a terrible thing. On any normal day, he would have been the last person I’d have called, but then… then it just seemed to fit…”

“How?” She could tell Nick didn’t understand a word from what she said, and when she thought about it now, she didn’t either.

“I knew he’d always been in love with me. It was so obvious in High School, he even tried to ask me to prom,” she laughed sadly when she remembered that, “I thought he was kind of cute, we even went out once, but, you know how things work in High School, it just didn’t work out.” She paused for a moment and looked at them, “I called him in particular, because I knew he’d be the only one to hear me out.”

December 2015

Larry frowned in confusion. Was this some stupid joke from one of his friends? Were they teasing him again about his long lost love? Or could this really be her? And if so, what did she want?

He decided to play it cool, well, play it his kind of cool anyway, “Hey Leighanne!” He gushed a little too excited, and quickly reprimanded himself, “dear God, I haven’t heard from you in almost thirty years!” By now he was really hoping that this wasn’t a joke.

“I know,” there was a weird tone in her voice, she sounded sad, crying almost, “God, I don’t even know why I’m calling you…”

“Hey, you’re crying? What’s going on?” he tried to sound sympathetic, but it was hard to do for someone he hadn’t spoken for so long.

                “I just can’t take it anymore, Larry. I need a way out of this mess,” she confessed softly.

“What are you talking about? I bet you have a beautiful life! Didn’t you get married to that Backstreet Guy?” Of course he knew about the Backstreet Guy, of course he knew about the wonderful life she lived, a life without him…

“I can’t… he’s not… we don’t… I need to get out!” she cried into the phone and he winced. Her words didn’t make much sense to him, but the last part sparked up a flame that had been there all along, just waiting to burn again. Could this really be his chance? Finally, after waiting so long?

“Hey, if you want me to come by someday…” he suggested nonchalantly, showing only a little bit of excitement.

“Would you?” she sniffled hopefully. He still wondered why she was crying. Maybe the Backstreet Guy had dumped her for something younger? Maybe Larry could be there to comfort her? Maybe Larry could be there to hear her story and wipe away her tears? Maybe Larry could be a good friend for her? Maybe Larry could be even more? His wild imagination flared and he jumped up from behind his messy desk.

“Of course I would! Just tell me when I can drop by, and I’ll be there,” he assured her vividly.

“Err, how about Monday?” she suggested, a little taken aback.

“Sounds great!” he said, totally forgetting the meeting they had scheduled that day. The company had some huge depts, and attending one more meeting wouldn’t keep it from going bankrupt. He’d already given up hope. “Just one thing though! What about your husband?” He was almost certain the Backstreet Guy was the reason she was crying so hard, but he needed to be sure.

“Oh he won’t mind.”

November 2015

“Why did you do it?” AJ spoke up softly. The anger had vanished from his eyes, there was only cold disappointment now.

“Because I lost hope, and so had Larry,” she looked down, taking a moment to compose herself again, “Do you know what the first thing was Brian did when he learned the tumour was back?” she asked, looking up. The two shook their heads dismissively and she continued, “he promised me he’d fight, that he wouldn’t give up. He still had hope, but the thing was, I didn’t. I didn’t believe in a cure, all I could see was death lurking around every corner, trying to steal my husband away. I couldn’t watch his false hopes get crushed every three weeks. I couldn’t watch him being so sick all over again. So I didn’t watch…” she admitted, avoiding the stares of Nick and AJ.

“What do you mean?” Nick spoke slowly, not really wanting the answer, but needing to ask.

“Larry’s company had almost gone bankrupt. It felt like he was in the same kind of hopeless situation as I was. Of course I know that cancer and bankruptcy are two total different things, but that didn’t matter. Fact was, that Larry was feeling miserable, and so was I.”

“And so was Brian,” AJ growled and she looked up, smiling apologetically.

“I knew that, and I felt so guilty whenever I was with Larry. But I couldn’t help myself. It was like an addiction. When I felt like I couldn’t breathe when I was at home, whenever Brian got too sick that it wouldn’t matter if I were there or someone else, cause he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, that’s when I called Larry.”

“You just needed someone to help you escape, to help you release the tension. And you did it with sex?” Nick questioned.

“Partly. When I was with Larry, I felt like I could talk. I told him everything I couldn’t tell Brian. It was the difference between the two of them. Brian needed me to be strong, I couldn’t break down in front of him. The worst thing was though, that he thought he needed to be strong for me too. We didn’t talk anymore, not like we used to. Our feelings were kept inside. I pretended to share the same hopes he had, and he pretended he was fine when he really wasn’t, just to make true to those hopes. It’s really hope that destroys everything…,’’ she whispered, wiping her eyes, ‘’I didn’t have to be strong in front of Larry. He was my getaway. I think he knew that too. I think he knew that I was only with him, because I couldn’t handle being with my husband. Because I couldn’t handle supporting him,” she was crying now, thick tears of shame, “It wasn’t fair what I did. Not to Brian, but neither to Larry.’’

October 2015

Giggling, she pushed him over to his part of the bed, still panting in exertion. Larry wasn’t the best bed partner one could wish for, but it was better than nothing. She could hear her phone ringing again, like it had a few minutes earlier, but they’d been busy then.

“Hold on,” she told Larry, who was already hovering over her again, before picking up her phone.

“Hello?” she frowned at the high speed of words flowing out of her son’s mouth, “Baylee, what did I tell you about speaking slowly?”

Baylee started his story again and this time Leighanne could make out the words he was saying, “Wait, what? Nick called?... Why?... Yeah, logically… Did you get him back inside? Good… Okay, I’ll be home as soon as I can…” she looked apologetically at Larry, who’d sunk back against the pillows, a disappointed look on his face.

“Sorry, hun… I’ll call you when I get there, okay?”

“Okay,” he replied before giving her one last kiss.

November 2015

“I totally forgot about him when I got here,” Leighanne admitted shamefully, “He must have gotten impatient, that’s why he called me one day, and you picked up.” She stared at Nick, trying to make something of the look in his eyes.

“In sickness and in health, Leighanne, does that still mean anything to you?’’ AJ said softly. When Leighanne didn’t answer and just looked back at the ground, Nick spoke up.

“I just have one question,” he said sternly, forcing Leighanne to look up again with his voice, “Were you in love with him?”

She thought a long time before she answered, “No, and that’s the truth. I was in love with the careless, free time I had with him, that’s why I kept coming back, but Larry could have been anybody. He’s not Brian, and I’d choose my husband over anyone in a heartbeat.”

 “Just tell me this, has it stopped?” AJ asked and looked her menacingly in her eyes, “was that the last time you saw Larry?”

“Yes,” she replied honestly.

AJ nodded slightly, “Okay. Look, I think I can understand why you did it, but that doesn’t make it right. You know that Brian would have never done the same thing if roles were reversed.”

“I know. He’s just trying to be strong, but he doesn’t know why.”

“I know why,” Nick spoke.

“Oh yeah?”

“For his son, for his wife, for you!” he spewed, “Baylee needs his parents, and if you are not there to do the job, Brian has to!”

She nodded, “You’re right, I’ve abandoned both of them. I understand why Baylee’s mad at me now. He’s got every right to be. ” It all made sense now, all those times Baylee accused her of not caring enough, or why he preferred being with his sick father, rather than going with his mom. And it was all her fault.

“Right, well, I’ve heard enough,” Nick stood up, preparing to leave.

“Wait! You’re not gonna tell Brian, right?” she begged when she saw him leave.

Nick turned around and stared at her hatefully, “No. I’m not,” he growled. “But you are.”