- Leave The Light On
They were going easy on him this time, had probably learned from what happened last time. He was glad for that. Glad that he could at least think straight for the time being. Because most of the times when they got the results of the tests, he was too far gone to understand and Leighanne had to tell him afterwards that the chemo hadn’t worked. Now he was there to hear it himself. For a moment, he wondered where his wife was, frustrated that he couldn’t remember that, she’d gone with him, hadn’t she? But if she had, then who was watching Baylee?
Nicky!
It was kind of weird, he’d thought Nick had wanted to leave, but surely he was still there. Brian didn’t ask him about it, cause he didn’t want his friend to leave. He didn’t know exactly why, but Leighanne seemed to be rather distant lately, often watching him anxiously, as if there was something she needed to tell him, something important. She was probably just worried that he wouldn’t remember it. He couldn’t blame her, there was a shitload of things he didn’t remember.
Staring accusingly at the poisonous needle in his hand, he almost didn’t notice the door opening. Almost. Startled, he shot upright in the bed and watched Nick tiptoe into the room.
“Oh, I thought you’d be asleep,” the Backstreet Boy said with a dumbfound expression.
“Nah, wouldn’t wanna miss the party,” Brian suggested, trying his best at a smile. He hadn’t expected Nick to be there and couldn’t wait to ask what he was doing here and where the hell Baylee was then, but he felt that he didn’t know so many words for that. Thinking furiously, he felt Nick coming to sit on the edge of the bed next to him. Where the hell had his vocabulary flown to?
“How you doing, man?” Nick asked softly and Brian looked up.
“Umm, kay,” was all he could think of at that moment, “Where’s L…”
“Leighanne?” Nick asked and Brian nodded, exasperated.
“She’s home, with Baylee, remember?” Nick stared at him, “You’ll have to do with me today.” Brian nodded as he recalled somewhat of the strange discussion that had developed earlier that morning. For some reason he didn’t understand, Nick had been awfully persistent in accompanying him to the hospital instead of Leighanne. They thought he didn’t notice the subtle changes in their behaviour, that he was too ignorant to see the tension between the two, but that wasn’t true. Maybe he couldn’t remember what he’d had for breakfast that morning, or where he’d left the keys for the garden shed, his guitar case, or the jewellery drawer (basically everyone nowadays made sure not to hand him the keys to anything), but he could still understand stuff. He wasn’t a three year old toddler in who’s company you could just hang around and discuss you deepest secrets without having to worry if he’d understand. He knew there was something going on between Leighanne and Nick and he didn’t like it in the least. He made a mental note to ask Nick about it later. Not now, now he was too tired.
Startled out of his daze, he watched surprised as Nick threw the magazine he’d been reading onto the bed and stood up. Brian raised his eyebrows at the sudden action and looked questioningly at his friend.
“Oh, I almost forgot!” Nick exclaimed and Brian winced at his volume, “You never guess who interviewed me when I went out for coffee!”
Brian watched him suspiciously before answering, “TMZ.”
He grinned when he saw Nick’s astonished expression. The Backstreet Boy opened his mouth, closed it and thought for a moment. “This is scary. Did that tumour give you psychic abilities all of a sudden?”
“Unfortunately no,” Brian smiled, “It’s just that they always show up when you don’t need them to.”
Nick paused a second, considering that kind of logic, “Yeah… anyway, they asked me what I was doing here at the hospital. You know what I said?” he asked, excited.
“I bet it was something gross,” he suggested, not really wanting the answer.
“I told them I was here to take care of a grown-in toenail,” Nick declared proudly, laughing madly.
“Charming,” Brian rolled his eyes, “Do you want me to puke my brains out?”
Nick’s eyes narrowed, “Would that make you feel better?”
“Not particularly, but I’ll make sure to throw up all over you!” They laughed and Brian relaxed, realizing he’d never had such an easy treatment. Sure, he was tired, sure, he felt like throwing up, but Nick did his best to make him forget about that stuff.
September 2009
“Please, stop whining.”
“Fuck you, it hurts all over,” Brian complained as they walked through customs at Tokyo airport, well walking, it was more like limping now. His knees were killing him, but he didn’t remember bumping into something. It didn’t help that the others seemed in a hurry and were already walking far ahead of him. The only reason Nick was there was that Brian had his bag slung over his shoulder.
“Come on, it’s our turn. And you don’t want to look…” Nick stared at him for a moment, “suspicious…”
Brian checked himself just to be sure, “What?”
“Never mind, dude. You look like shit! I mean, more than usual,” Nick grinned stupidly.
“Thanks Nickolas, how considerate,” Brian’s beaten voice got muffled as he made his way through detection. “You know, I feel like shit too.”
“Great. You know we’ve got promotion for the next four days, right?”
Yes, he knew that. That didn’t make him feel better, nor did the prospection of being on a plane for the next 17 hours. It’s gonna be a long flight.
“Yes, Nick. I know! I’m sorry I can’t force nature to not make me sick, alright?”
“I’ll just stay the hell away from you then, I don’t want to get sick as well,” Nick suggested.
“Sounds like a great idea,” Brian replied tiredly.
“Hey, tell you what, if you gotta puke right before we’re leaving, I’ll come look for you,” Nick offered with a witful smile.
“That’s great.”
November 2015
He squeezed his eyes shut, finally feeling the fog closing in on him. Keeping his eyes closed, he started to hum softly to calm his mind and the raging nausea in his stomach. He had no idea why, but recently he’d discovered that humming forgotten tunes helped him relax and he did it quite often now. The songs were familiar, even though he didn’t remember the lyrics, and they made him think of a time that was careless and hopeful and happy.
After a while he opened his eyes and saw Nick smiling at him, humming along with him to tunes he knew as well. Brian supposed they’d been in a band together once, cause often, when he closed his eyes, he could see them. Thousands of screaming girls, going crazy just for them. That feeling of ecstasy, of power was overwhelming, and he often found himself not wanting to open his eyes ever again. He wanted to stay in a dream, wanted to believe it could be real. Pretending like the last two years hadn’t happened, that he was okay, healthy, and that reality wasn’t real. In fact, he wanted to believe in that so much, that, sometimes, he did.
“Nicky?” he slurred and Nick looked up, surprised, “what time does the show start t’night?”
He couldn’t be sure, but he thought he saw Nick smiling sadly, “It’s at eight thirty, Bri,” he answered dutifully.
Brian nodded and winced at the hot spikes of pain that accompanied the movement, “Good,” he concluded, then frowned, “Wa’s the first song?”
Nick thought about that for a minute, then answered, “Long As You Love Me.”
Brian smiled contently and closed his eyes again, seeing the girls line up for the concert that night, “I like that song.’
“I know…” Nick choked, his voice thick.
“Don’t cry, it’s not a sad song,” Brian assured him and Nick gave a short laugh, though it sounded more like a sob. The girls were getting impatient as time went on and Brian figured they were waiting for them to do something.
“Are we doing sound check t’day?” he questioned, staring hesitantly at the crowd. The girls were all frowning now, and he frowned back.
“Sure, if you want to,” Nick offered helplessly, feeling like it was the strangest conversation he’d ever had. Brian couldn’t see him, but he knew Nick was there too, and he only hoped the girls were mad at him. The stage was strangely misted and he had to squint to make out the forms of Howard Dorough and AJ McLean. He could only faintly hear the music playing over the rush in his head. He saw some girls already leaving the place, tired of waiting.
“Oh!” he exclaimed, finally drawing the conclusion, “You have to start this song, I know you do!”
“What?”
“The song, Frack, the song, you start the song!”
“What song?” Nick asked in total confusion.
“The one you just said! Hurry up, they’re already leaving!” Brian was getting agitated now, wondering what was taking Nick so long. Howie and AJ didn’t seem to mind though. Alarmed, Brian searched for Nick, but still couldn’t see him through the thick mist that only seemed to get heavier on the darkening stage. They were turning down the lights on them and Brian had no idea why. Panicking now, he screamed for Howie and AJs attention. They didn’t move though and he wondered if they had heard him at all, so he screamed again. That was the moment Nick came into view and he felt the younger man gripping his upper arms roughly, forcing Brian to look him in the eyes.
“Brian, stop it!” he yelled a little too loud and Brian winced.
“No! You’re a freaking singer, so you need to freaking sing!” Why didn’t Nick understand that? They’d been doing this thing for more than 15 years, right? Tearing his gaze away from Nick’s, he squeezed his eyes closed again. “AJ!” he yelled, desperate for the man’s attention.
“Calm down!” Nick was squeezing his arms again, a little harder this time and shook him, “Look at me, Brian, look at me!” he urged. “Whatever it is, it’s not real, understand? Now snap out of it!” he ordered sternly and Brian’s vision faltered for a moment, the stage blurring. Instead, Nick’s face came into view again and Brian panicked, not understanding what was going on.
“Wha-What’s happening to me?” he stammered, looking sideways, he saw Ronald, his male version of a nurse, trying to reattach the torn needle to his hand. “N-no, don touch me!”
“Brian? It’s okay, buddy, you just need to calm down,” Nick’s voice was steady, reassuring, and Brian felt his heart rate decrease somewhat. “That’s it, just… deep breaths, alright?” Nick suggested and Brian did as he was told, finally able to relax against the hospital’s pillows, giving Ronald access to his shaking hands. After the needle was in again, Ronald left, assuring them the treatment was almost over.
Shifting slightly, Brian whimpered and gripped the bedcovers tight, “I’m going crazy, aren’t I?” he asked Nick fearfully.
Nick smiled reassuringly, “No, it’s just the chemo messing with you, man.”
Brian wasn’t buying it, “Can you make it stop please? I don’t want this anymore,” he begged quietly.
“It’s alright, it’s almost done.”
Brian shook his head painfully, “No, I mean ever, I don’t want this anymore ever.”
Nick felt his heart break and when Brian had finally fallen asleep he whispered, “Please don’t say that.”
After a few moments, he grabbed his phone.
“Leighanne?” he called softly, “…not tonight.”
The next time he woke up, the needle was gone and he could hear Nick softly talking to the doctor. He studied their profiles for a minute, seeing Nick frowning and the doctor talking with waving hands. Brian liked this doctor, he talked with his hands. Nick’s frown grew deeper and Brian assumed he wasn’t hearing very good news, but then his eyebrows shot up, surprised and Brian heard him exclaim something. He turned to Brian with what looked like a smile and then it was Brian’s turn to frown, wondering what had made his friend so happy. Looking behind Nick, Brian saw the doctor was smiling too and his heart picked up speed.
“I might have some good news,” said the man in the white coat and Brian liked him even more at that moment.
